Is MIL a stingy miser?

[Lagoonablue]

MIL is pretty old but has full capacity. She is in sheltered accommodation and pays for care but is still very well off. Her accountant regularly suggests she gift large sums of money to her grandchildren for tax reasons. She ignores this. She will leave a lot when she dies. Not sure to who but a lot to the taxman too as she won't take advice.

Fair enough. I have no expectations of her giving us large sums of money regularly. It would have been nice and she can easily afford it but she didn't when we married or had kids and she seldom sends the grandchildren much on birthdays. My parents by contrast would give their last penny. Bought us the cot and pram, helped with our house deposit etc. they are not well off.

Anyway DH had a significant birthday on Friday. His mother sent him a cheque.........for fifteen pound. FFS. Why even bother?

What is she even thinking? Who sends a grown man £15?

She is a rich woman who NEVER gives anyone anything. DH doesn't usually expect or receive a birthday present. However I thought for a significant birthday she might make an exception and she did. £15 cheque.

She fully understands the value of money believe me. She is well able to arrange for the sending and receiving of gifts and letters etc. she is far from helpless.

I included the info about her accountant to illustrate just how well off she is. I don't feel ENTITLED to gifts from her but think her son should expect something on a birthday other than £15. Especially as she never gives him anything else.

Well why should she? There is always that of course but in my family we help each other out, funds permitting as I will do with my kids eventually. I will see the cost of a new baby and offer to buy a cot or a pram or send £100 to add to the child trust money you get. I will buy a sensible gift for a new house such as a lawn mower or toaster or if I could afford it, money towards moving costs. Any gift would be proportionate to my means of course but I will try to be generous.

No she doesn't have to do any of this but she can so easily afford it and chooses not to. That's why I find it so odd and infuriating. Her money is all planned out for the future. She easily has enough and knows this. We know because she is very open about her wealth.

We don't see her as a source of income and as for counting on a will. We have no expectations at all so to suggest otherwise is quite wrong. And yes she is seen regularly and fully included in family activities. She is far from the frail old exploited woman some of you seem to be seeing.

No, but she IS in sheltered accomodation you say, requiring carers, which would lead people to imagine she would struggle to just pop out on a shopping expedition.

And you didn't answer the question on how big a part of her life you are/how often she gets to see you all.

My DH knows exactly what is in his mothers account, as he transfers money from our account and his brothers to her regularly. I know nothing about what's in there. I can't see it's any of my business. He knows so he can make sure there is sufficient money for her on a monthly basis, but I have no reason to be knowing her financial affairs.

Well if he usually gets nothing, £15 isn't so bad, is it??

but he didnt get it cos she didnt sign the cheque

Xpost re visiting

No I know, san-but the thought was there

I certainly don't imagine her frail or exploited. I think she's rather canny, very frugal and possibly very aware of how much time her DIL spends thinking about her finances!

I struggle to understand the obsession with leaving or gifting money to children/grandchildren for a head start in life. Lovely if people do, but mostly I think people should expect to make their own way in life. That way anything else is a nice bonus.

Maybe she will leave it all to the local cats protection, or homeless shelter, or cancer research.....

perhaps one person's 'canny' is another person's 'stingy miser'

perhaps one person's 'canny' is another person's 'stingy miser'

Yes, I'm sure most misers consider themselves to be canny.

Why is she canny? Who benefits from that? Not her unless stacking it up and watching the interest is a joy to her. She seldom spends anything! She will happily let people buy her things though, pay for her lunch.

Nah, she's mean. Have just answered my own question. Thanks all.

can·ny (kn)

1. Careful and shrewd, especially where one's own interests are concerned.
2. Cautious in spending money; frugal.

Well that's only one interpretation isn't it? Not everyone would agree.

It must be frustrating when people don't just give you their money. And then just die at a convenient time gap. How awful.

I had an uncle like that. He was so rich he actually retired after inventing something at 35. He then became even richer by moving his investments around. He didn't leave me anything (he left it all to his wife) but he attended my graduation ceremony and for that I think well of him (as well as the fact that he showed me it was perfectly possible to come from a background with very little and end up very wealthy). Looking back, I think he actually behaved very well. I would have felt a bit insulted to have to be given someone else's money and it would have removed a lot of my motivation. As it does I think I inherited a bit of the family trait to make money anyway as I've not done too badly!

I know an old lady very much like your MIL, OP and she's plain tight. She never pays for anything when taken out, gives her grown-up children £10 -15 for birthdays, yet her income alone covers her care-home costs (around £900/week) and she has considerable assets. Yes she has been very canny, but it's not brought her much happiness as her children really can't be bothered with her anymore, they now have successful careers but feel their mother doesn't care for them or their families (grandchildren get bugger all from her).

I would expect to give my children a decent present for a significant birthday, circumstances allowing, and you are not being grasping/entitled/greedy in thinking the same.

Is she hard to get on with Molecule?

I can't imagine not bothering with a parent just because as as adult they didn't buy me much!

It's sad that they feel she doesn't care.

Oh my life, I am surprised that people actually think like this about presents and money. Even though OP says it's not about inheritance she must have thought about it or she wouldn't have mentioned it.

It's my birthday in August, I'm wondering if I should write a list of my friends and family, their income/ savings and related to that what present I should expect to get.

She was always self-centered diddl and although appears the "sweet little old lady" is far from that, and there is far more back story than just being tight, but it does hurt the children terribly that she is still so mean.

However at least she's even-handed in her stinginess; she was once in hospital for three months and her neighbours (not well off, existing on their pensions) looked after old lady's large dog. On returning home, she asked me if I thought £10 was enough to give them, as "they do like the dog". I said if she ever wanted them to do another favour she should think what kennels would have cost etc.

She always has money to spend on herself, but never on others.

I was left some money a while back and can now help my kids out a bit if they need it, I don't think it's U to think your Mum might bung you a few squids on a significant birthday, especially if she can afford it.
You can't take it with you and what's the point of working and saving hard if you aren't doing it for your family as well as providing for your own old age?

Maybe if you hate your family you might leave it all to a cat's home but how hurtful would that be if you thought you were close.
That your Mum would rather see it all go to strangers/charity than help you?

I get that usual but I would never think of cutting my family out of anything I might have.
From what the OP says it does seem a bit mean.

I still don't get why it is unacceptable for MIL to be squirrelling money away for her own future care.

My great aunt recently went into a care home. Luckily for her, she was fairly well off beforehand so she is in a lovely private one with a river view from her bedroom. She gets taken out every day in a wheelchair.

By contrast, before my mum helped get that sorted, she was in an NHS geriatric ward. From January to August she did not go outside once, not once, nor even leave her bed except for medical procedures. We went to visit her on her birthday and she didn't know it was, as she'd lost track of days :(

That is the difference having a pile of cash to spare could make to your final days.

And if this really were just about the fifteen quid cheque? Well, older people may still think of that as their standard amount. DH aunt recently gave his mum, her only sister, twenty quid as a sixtieth birthday present.

But I don't think it is. Why else would large cash gifts crop up in the op? Why would it even occur to you to mention that, unless you expected them?

I reckon she could be a little less with it than you think. I work in a bank and see a lot of similar behaviour. Not signing the cheque is significant as her generation write cheques often. Also consider the fact that she is paying out for where she lives when she most likely never had to do that before as her (presumably late) husband will have paid the mortgage and also she may have a lot of capital but she could be running on a monthly deficit.
Still seems cheap though.

TGhe trouble is op elderly people think of money as in her younger days iswim. Probably if someone had given her 15 in the year dot she thought it a large sum of money.
We had same problem with elderly aunt who ended up gifting the taxman 350,000! we were worn out looking afterher but it did give us enough to move house in the end.