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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is MIL a stingy miser?

185 replies

Lagoonablue · 22/06/2014 22:58

MIL is pretty old but has full capacity. She is in sheltered accommodation and pays for care but is still very well off. Her accountant regularly suggests she gift large sums of money to her grandchildren for tax reasons. She ignores this. She will leave a lot when she dies. Not sure to who but a lot to the taxman too as she won't take advice.

Fair enough. I have no expectations of her giving us large sums of money regularly. It would have been nice and she can easily afford it but she didn't when we married or had kids and she seldom sends the grandchildren much on birthdays. My parents by contrast would give their last penny. Bought us the cot and pram, helped with our house deposit etc. they are not well off.

Anyway DH had a significant birthday on Friday. His mother sent him a cheque.........for fifteen pound. FFS. Why even bother?

What is she even thinking? Who sends a grown man £15?

OP posts:
Sidthesausage · 23/06/2014 08:04

I think there's tight and then there's really tight. I know when my own kids are older I hope to help them out here and there But i fully accept some parents have different ideas. I actually have some friends whose parents have bought houses for their kids, or financed them through uni etc

Montybojangles · 23/06/2014 08:21

I'm a bit Shock that you know exactly how much money your MIL has in the bank. How the heck do you know that? And what business of yours is it exactly?

I'm guessing she grew up post war when thinks were very tight and people lived with the make do and mend mentality. Being frugal may just be an ingrained habit. You do sound rather obsessed by her money situation. It's hers to do what she wants with, and is none of your concern.

Original poster
Lagoonablue · 23/06/2014 08:25

DH helps with her financial arrangements because she asked him to. It's no secret. That's how we know how much is in her various accounts.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/06/2014 08:29

Well anyone can insult me with a £15 gift!

Just as well she hadn't signed the cheque as it wasn't good enough!

OP you come across really badly.

Why should she give her money away "for tax reasons" if she'd rather not?

Even if people pay tax on an inheritance, they are still getting something for nothing!

Yet moan that they could have got more!

GrendelsMinim · 23/06/2014 08:33

Well, £15 is plenty to go out and buy a book or a nice bottle of wine, which is what I'd expect for an adult's birthday.

I can see it would have been nice if she'd been able to go round the shops, choose a present herself, buy the wrapping paper, buy the card, go to the post office and send it all off, but presumably that's what her age means she's no longer able to do.

LittleBearPad · 23/06/2014 08:39

It's her money. She can choose what she does with it. Sorry but that's how it is.

If she's concerned about dying in the next seven years she may well think her estate is still going to be hammered by IHT. Her accountant shouldn't be disclosing this information to your husband.

TheCatsBollocks · 23/06/2014 08:42

15 quid is shite.
Especially for a big birthday.
Especially if the giver has a lot of money.

I don't believe all those of you saying you'd be more than happy with that.

Christ I spent 20 quid on one of DH's employee's big birthday just from me!

2468Motorway · 23/06/2014 08:43

I'm not sure. The 15 seems fine, honestly she probably thinks it's a lot. Not giving the money away? Well it's her money and she might live to 100.

The sheets is just weird.

GrendelsMinim · 23/06/2014 08:46

Well,I guess different people and different families have different ideas about what sort of present is expected for a birthday.

We've always given a book or similar in my family, but I'm sure that other families would see that as odd and stingy and think it must be a sign that we're all horrible misers!

It's not surprising the elderly lady has different ideas about what sort of present she'd choose, compared to her middle-aged daughter in law.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/06/2014 08:46

YANBU OP. I don't understand people who'd rather leave their money to the tax man than give it away to their children/grandchildren.

diddl · 23/06/2014 08:50

Well she won't be giving it to the tax man, will she?

Whoever she leaves it to will be paying the tax on it.

Pagwatch · 23/06/2014 08:50

I totally agree with Hecates point about fear for the future.

Don't forget the idea that she has loads of money left is based upon the premis that her care needs won't become more complicated and therefore much more expensive, and that she is going to die fairly soon.

Gifting away the lump sum which generates your income when you are sufficiently in need of care to be in a care home doesn't sound very sensible to me tbh.

Her account sounds a bit of a knob if he is telling this to third parties.
He could advise her to take out a life policy which could be used to pay the inheritance tax which wouldn't reduce her lump sum and would be less scary.

TweedleDi · 23/06/2014 08:56

£15 in the circumstances does come across as mean.

But, do you realise just how much the fees are if she has to go from sheltered to a care home? £600 per week is typical, multiply that by 5-10 years...

Preciousbane · 23/06/2014 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sherbetpips · 23/06/2014 09:07

Yep £15 is crap but bugger all you can do about it. The rest of my family are all well off, rich even. Every birthday I would spend over the odds to try and get something they didn't have or would be impressed with. In return I would get a £10 voucher or something crap from TK Maxx. Finally learnt and I now buy presents suitable for my budget and stop expecting anything. My sister is also a fan of randomly buying me something nice and then when it comes to my birthday or Christmas saying "I bought you that lipstick remember...". I wouldn't mind so much if she didn't go on about what a great sister she is for 'treating' me.
It is there earned money not mine and frankly why should they give it to me? Taken a while for me to get round to that thinking though.

Iseenyou · 23/06/2014 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BellaVita · 23/06/2014 09:11

My retired parents are very comfortable but they still give us £15 each on birthdays and at christmas. We spend far on them. That's life.

Oh and I am happy with £15 btw, it goes towards getting my nails done or a facial.

WooWooOwl · 23/06/2014 09:11

Diddle, whoever she leaves it to won't be paying the tax on it, she will be paying it from her estate before anyone inherits.

If people who inherited paid the tax, then the tax bill would be dependant on how much they inherit, and it could be shared out amongst family members to reduce the tax bill so that each recieves less than say the CGT threshold, but it doesn't work like that.

Dead people pay the tax, not the people who inherit.

BarbarianMum · 23/06/2014 09:21

£10 -£15 per present is pretty standard in my family. Can't imagine why an adult would expect another adult to provide luxuries for them. My parents have certainly been very generous at the times in my life when money was short but birthdays/Christmas presents are surely a token of affection?

diddl · 23/06/2014 09:21

"Dead people pay the tax, not the people who inherit."

I suppose I was thinking that the tax is taken from an inheritance before it is paid out so that in a way the heirs pay.

Either way, they get something for nothing!

BarbarianMum · 23/06/2014 09:22

£10 -£15 per present is pretty standard in my family. Can't imagine why an adult would expect another adult to provide luxuries for them. My parents have certainly been very generous at the times in my life when money was short but birthdays/Christmas presents are surely a token of affection?

KERALA1 · 23/06/2014 09:28

Yanbu that is odd.

Mil got dh one of those head torch things. If you knew him you would find it as funny as we did.

Dh is not a fussy man but detests coffee and anything that tastes of coffee and always has. Ils live abroad what do they bring as their thank you for having us present? Fresh coffee. Every time. When we visit mil who is a great cook makes...coffee cake. Sad really how little they know their own son!

LindaMcCartneySausage · 23/06/2014 09:33

She's in a care home, so presumably can't nip to the shops for a present, otherwise I'd say it's a bit lazy not to buy your son a birthday present. And cheques are a PITA. But hardly miserly. She remembered and made some effort. Maybe they don't go in for birthdays in a big way in their family.

My able- bodied, well off MIL sent DH a £20 voucher for Boots for his 40th. I was pretty Shock that she hadn't put any thought into getting him something for a big birthday. Thought that counts etc. DH certainly doesn't need the money. He bought shaving foam, deodorant and a new toothbrush. Grin

winkywinkola · 23/06/2014 09:36

Kerala, that's kind of lame of your dh not to tell his parentage actually doesn't like coffee. My parents don't know all my preferences.

TheLovelyBoots · 23/06/2014 09:36

I think a cheque for 15 is pretty ridiculous given the context.

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