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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL a stingy miser?

185 replies

Lagoonablue · 22/06/2014 22:58

MIL is pretty old but has full capacity. She is in sheltered accommodation and pays for care but is still very well off. Her accountant regularly suggests she gift large sums of money to her grandchildren for tax reasons. She ignores this. She will leave a lot when she dies. Not sure to who but a lot to the taxman too as she won't take advice.

Fair enough. I have no expectations of her giving us large sums of money regularly. It would have been nice and she can easily afford it but she didn't when we married or had kids and she seldom sends the grandchildren much on birthdays. My parents by contrast would give their last penny. Bought us the cot and pram, helped with our house deposit etc. they are not well off.

Anyway DH had a significant birthday on Friday. His mother sent him a cheque.........for fifteen pound. FFS. Why even bother?

What is she even thinking? Who sends a grown man £15?

OP posts:
claraschu · 23/06/2014 11:48

YANBU

She probably doesn't understand the tax issue and doesn't realise she can give away lots of money now and have it go to the people she wants it to, whereas if she waits that money will go to the government.

My father was the same when he got very old, his dementia made him think he had no money left, so he stopped giving away the money as he had planned (and done when he was younger).

diddl · 23/06/2014 11:54

She probably does understand-but doesn't want to divvy her money up until she's dead!

Birdsgottafly · 23/06/2014 12:05

On the one hand, she may consider paying the right amount of tax, ethical.

She may be paying for her Care, but it is Tax money that has trained the staff and pay for some of the services that have allowed this to be set up, so she is putting back what she has taken out.

On the other hand, I had an abusive childhood and will grab any money for my children (due to inherit within a couple of years) that can be, because I certainly wasn't set up with the best start in life, been let down by services and I don't agree with Tory policies in spending.

Besides that, it's all down to individual parenting, my philosophy is, if I've got it, my children can share it.

My Mum, is buying my DD's PFB pram, I'm buying the full Nursery.

We are helping with my eldest wedding, where we can.

She is being stingy, unless she has to be, incase she lives another 10 years +, needing Care.

Trollsworth · 23/06/2014 12:11

Your post reads like it was written by a brat.

ChelsyHandy · 23/06/2014 12:18

Trollsworth Your post reads like it was written by a brat.

Actually, it does. Theres a certain childish element to it:- pretty old, ignores advice, She will leave a lot when she dies, she won't take advice FFS. Demonstrates a lack of respect towards her.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be old and living in a nursing home, with a son and DIL who don't visit often enough to give birthday presents to in person, so you have to post them a cheque instead. But I can imagine that if I would be very aware that they were waiting for me to die and calculating how much money they could get out of me, and there would be nothing more likely to make me do nothing at all to facilitate this.

Particularly if I had one of those DILs who had to be financially propped up by her own less than wealthy parents and who, having been so, still expected more from other people. I might, depending on the circumstances, remember being more independent myself.

But I suspect this is subtlety lost on the OP. Like so many waiting on an inheritance, all she cares about is the money. So I will simply point out that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't like you very much, and the £15 birthday present is her doing her duty and no more.

wilfsfrozenbanana · 23/06/2014 12:40

She does sound very stingy. Never understand why people would rather leave money to the taxman than their own family.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/06/2014 12:54

Yes, it's infuriating to know that what could be a substantial inheritance will benefit the tax man instead but yabu to be infuriated on your DH's behalf.
Try not to make the same mistakes in your own dotage...

diddl · 23/06/2014 13:03

But why should she give other adults xgrand per year?
She probably wants the security of knowing that it's there if necessary.

And so what if the taxman gets some?

She won't care-she'll be dead!

But she won't have been a "burden" on her kids & will still have left them a good amount of money!

OP-if you get your hands on it, just make sure that you give your kids xgrand per year.

diddl · 23/06/2014 13:05

"She does sound very stingy. Never understand why people would rather leave money to the taxman than their own family."

It's OP & comments like this that make it plainly obvious to me why people do it!

captainmummy · 23/06/2014 13:08

fifi669 - your dad charges his old mum for doing work at her place? Wants at least the going rate? Shock

OP - how much do you reckon your dh should have got? £50? £150? £1000+? How much should it have been to change your [disrespectful] mind?

In my family none of the adult children get presents, not birthdays and not at christmas. (I buy Mum one otherwise she wouldn't get any) We have plenty from DHs, DC etc.

QueenofallIsee · 23/06/2014 13:08

I don't think you sound very nice OP. You are positively mean about your MIL in your post and compare it to you parents gifting you more than they can afford - I hope that you are OK about helping with their care if it comes to it, if they have given you such a lot of money now

Your MIL is probably paranoid about being in poverty and is scared of spending heavily. Quite common in the elderly, her care bills will be large and who knows how long she has left...she could live to 100 for all she knows!

CecilyP · 23/06/2014 13:11

She may strongly hold the opinion that inheritance tax is a fair tax for all we know. However, I think 15 is really stingy. If it had been a round 20, it wouldn't seem so mean, but 15 sounds as if she has really thought about it - like, he deserves more than 10 but not too much more than 10, I know, I will write a cheque for 15. It is the sort of amount I would give if I really wanted to give 20 but was a bit short this month - but I will never leave anything like enough for an accountant to be advising about inheritance tax.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 23/06/2014 13:19

Fifi, your grandpa could have been fibbing about their being money.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 23/06/2014 13:20

there being money

KERALA1 · 23/06/2014 13:27

Winky he has told them he doesn't like coffee. Numerous times! He is a strong and assertive type man not some meek mouse. Yet the coffee giving by ils continues I can only assume some weird power play by mil who has funny ideas about dh. He "got above himself" by going to Cambridge apparently...

BitOutOfPractice · 23/06/2014 13:31

OP I think YANBU I would also be hacked off if my MiL sent my DP £15 for a major birthday if I knew she could afford more

All this holier than though hair shirt wearing on MN really puzzles me. Apparently in MN world you are grasping and greedy if you would like to receive more than a used tissue and walnut whip for your birthday. It's like inverted grabbiness, I can be more humble than you and it really does seem odd to me.

But there you go!

Ony thing I can think of to be charitable to the MiL is that she might be kind of stuck in a time warp about presents - that's what she gave when he was 20 kind of thing.

Anyway, you don't sound brattish to me.

fifi669 · 23/06/2014 13:51

captain he's losing a fortnights work to do something for her, rearranged jobs to fit her in first etc. He's not a charity and neither is she! Something over a weekend or evening is one thing, an extension is quite another.

granny gdad told his children where all the money was incase something happened to them. There is plenty. He got annoyed one day as nan threw out an old pair of socks inside of which he'd stashed £200. He hid money all over the house and then had more in banks/premium bonds etc in both their names.

diddl · 23/06/2014 13:57

"I would also be hacked off if my MiL sent my DP £15 for a major birthday if I knew she could afford more"

So what if she can afford more?

That is what she chose to give!

I suppose some people care about being given bday gifts & some don't.

winkywinkola · 23/06/2014 14:05

Then Kerala that is bizarre behaviour

KirjavaTheCat · 23/06/2014 14:09

I'm cringing.

It's really not on to be so bitter about a gift someone didn't have to give you. So she could give more, so what? Perhaps she feels as though she's not obliged to shower her children with free money. Not everyone does. Doesn't make them bad people.

Hakluyt · 23/06/2014 14:11

"And - I also know I will get my head bitten off for this, but cheques are a giant pain in the backside too. If I get a cheque for £10 from someone, yes it's a very kind gesture, but by the time I drive to town and park up to cash it, half the money is gone!"

Put it in the post. Cost of a 2nd class stamp.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/06/2014 14:39

"I suppose some people care about being given bday gifts & some don't."

Yes diddl they do. And I was just saying I care more. You care less. Just putting my POV

diddl · 23/06/2014 14:44

"And I was just saying I care more. You care less. Just putting my POV"

But you were also saying that you'd be hacked off at £15 if more could be afforded.

That's not just caring about a present, but what it is as well!

CecilyP · 23/06/2014 14:49

Ony thing I can think of to be charitable to the MiL is that she might be kind of stuck in a time warp about presents - that's what she gave when he was 20 kind of thing.

That's the most charitable I could be, particularly when thinking of an old work colleague who always put 10p in any staff collection. However, assuming the DH has just turned 50, even 30 years ago 20 was not a hugely generous birthday present for a rich woman (and she is rich if she needs advice on death duties) to give her son.

CecilyP · 23/06/2014 14:52

^So what if she can afford more?

That is what she chose to give!^

Yes, its her choice to be mean and stingy. OK, OP and her DH should accept it; he's a grown man who doesn't really need a small monetary gift for his birthday. That still doesn't mean that she isn't stingy.