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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL a stingy miser?

185 replies

Lagoonablue · 22/06/2014 22:58

MIL is pretty old but has full capacity. She is in sheltered accommodation and pays for care but is still very well off. Her accountant regularly suggests she gift large sums of money to her grandchildren for tax reasons. She ignores this. She will leave a lot when she dies. Not sure to who but a lot to the taxman too as she won't take advice.

Fair enough. I have no expectations of her giving us large sums of money regularly. It would have been nice and she can easily afford it but she didn't when we married or had kids and she seldom sends the grandchildren much on birthdays. My parents by contrast would give their last penny. Bought us the cot and pram, helped with our house deposit etc. they are not well off.

Anyway DH had a significant birthday on Friday. His mother sent him a cheque.........for fifteen pound. FFS. Why even bother?

What is she even thinking? Who sends a grown man £15?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/06/2014 14:53

Yes Diddl because tbh I think £15 IS stingy in these circumstances and, as such, almost worse than none at all!

That doesn't make me a grabby present-whore. That's just how I feel and do things. As does my family.

pudding25 · 23/06/2014 15:03

I have never understood these threads. My parents and all the parents of my friends do everything they can to help their children financially, whether it is deposits for homes, paying through uni, helping out with buying cars etc. I hope I am in the position to do this for my DD when she is older.

Maybe it is a cultural thing?

diddl · 23/06/2014 15:04

Gosh, all the years that people could have afforded more & I should have been pissed off about it.

Thank goodness I didn't bother-what a waste of time & energy!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/06/2014 15:15

Has it also occurred to you that if she is paying for her care now and her needs become more complex any money she gives away now may well be treated by the council as if it hadn't been given away when they means test her for care home fees. You need to look at the Deprivation of Capital rules. She could end up liable for care home fees and yet no longer have the assets to pay for them. Would you be giving the money back to her under those circumstances?

It's too late for this sort of planning now because she already needs care and so attempts to reduce the IHT bill might be seen as an attempt to reduce liability for future care home fees.

Maybe she has taken some good advice?

BitOutOfPractice · 23/06/2014 15:17

diddl. I don't know why you have got such a problem with me.

The OP asked if she was BU

I said that IMO no she's not BU

You clearly think she (and I) am. But hey, you can chose to be sarky paint me how you want. I'm merely expressing a different opinion

captainmummy · 23/06/2014 15:22

I think £15 IS stingy in these circumstances and, as such, almost worse than none at all! - hmmm. just as well I don't do gifts for adults then.

Gift should be just that - a gift. Not expected, and not requested. And when received, gratitude is in order, not mocking condescension.

diddl · 23/06/2014 15:23

Was a general comment, not aimed at anyone.

This woman is in sheltered housing, paying for care & people are calling her all sorts because she won't give away her money to other adults & has given what is deemed to be an insuffiecient bday present.

I feel sorry for her.

RunnerHasbeen · 23/06/2014 15:30

I don't think YABU, it is hard when two different families have such different attitude to presents. How little effort my ILs put into presents used to upset me a little as my parents are generous, I don't mean just in money terms, things like phone calls and babysitting as well.

For example at Christmas, my ILs will ask us how much, roughly, we spent on their presents and the give us a cheque for that amount as our gift. I hate it - it feels like they don't care, want to know what their gifts are worth, are buying them from us as well as passing on the duty of buying their gifts to my DCs to me. If it was about money then I guess we would be evens and I'd be flamed for thinking it was crap. I agree that a £15 unsigned cheque, with no effort at all (even a note saying "treat yourself to a nice bottle of wine on your birthday dinner" alongside the £15 would have made it a present) is rubbish. If the birthday hasn't happened yet, could you maybe take her out for the day and find him a present together so she feels a wee bit more involved?

PhaedraIsMyName · 23/06/2014 15:35

YABU.Mil has done her part bringing her children up, anything else is a bonus. You and your husband sound very greedy.

PhaedraIsMyName · 23/06/2014 15:38

pudding 25 I stopped being a child when I was 18. I find the idea of grown up "children" expecting to be supported by their parents utterly abhorrent.

isitsnowingyet · 23/06/2014 15:47

I think you are being unreasonable and grabby perhaps be glad that she is still alive and has all her marbles.

I

isitsnowingyet · 23/06/2014 15:48

I was going to say my MIL sadly has Alzheimer's and is unwell. Her money is the very last thing on our minds right now Sad

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 23/06/2014 17:53

I can't see if you've answered my question OP - has your DH called to thank her?

Iseenyou · 23/06/2014 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingaddict · 23/06/2014 18:33

I don't think the OP is being greedy and grabby. If her MIL's accountant is suggesting that she gift some money then she must have sufficient assets for this to be worthwhile. I think what the OP is upset about is the casual indifference from her MIL regarding her DH and the GC's. The OP stated that the MIL has rarely ever acknowledged the GC's on birthdays etc. I think that must hurt and especially when you know they have considerable wealth.

I rarely care what people buy for me, i'm not a person who needs a lot of stuff but not to acknowledge the kids on Birthdays and Christmas or contribute to when they are first born seems to me like the hallmark of a stingy person. When I come to be a GM myself and in celebration of their birth I would love to contribute towards my GC's prams and cot etc etc and basically dote on them

Original poster
Lagoonablue · 23/06/2014 20:17

Yes Houseonthecorner he rang and said thankyou.....FGS.

OP posts:
mewkins · 23/06/2014 20:49

Yanbu. I know someone who does everything for their elderly but capable and very stingy dm. They take her on holiday, always doing diy and on call 24/7 for them. For their last Christmas present they were given a bag of broken biscuits. What hurt more than the present was the complete lack of appreciation for all they do.

Whether it's a family member or not I think it's really important to let people that you love and love you that you appreciate them.

PhaedraIsMyName · 23/06/2014 23:58

You do realise all of you who think she should start giving away her money is she has to survive 7 years from making a gift otherwise IHT will still be due on her death?

Also if she gives away so much that she can't afford to pay for her care the local authority can claw back such gifts?

fifi669 · 24/06/2014 09:01

Not necessarily. Gifts of up to £3,000 per year are exempt from inheritance tax no matter how long MIL survives. Also small gifts of £250 or less to limitless amounts of people are exempt.

sanfairyanne · 24/06/2014 09:22

i know people like this. up to her but i would never be like that and dont see it as a good trait or something to aspire to. its how she is. you cant change it. you wouldnt ask for money. but you can have a good bitch about it on mumsnet Grin

my family are different. they could still spend more tbh - but on themselves! habits are hard to break i suppose.

some rich people are really tight. there might be a connection there Smile .

ChelsyHandy · 24/06/2014 12:16

Yes Houseonthecorner he rang and said thankyou.....FGS

Do you visit her much? Is her care home a long way away?

I'm imagining that in a care home, while its easy to buy stamps and envelopes so as to post a cheque, posting a bigger, more personalised gift isn't easy.

I'm imagining an older person remembering when £15 was a sort of standard birthday present amount.

How much is she in your lives? If she doesn't see that much of you, if she isn't that money-oriented, its not unreasonable that she wouldn't necessarily be thinking about inheritance and giving money away to people she hardly sees...

You do realise you are talking about someone else's money and you don't come across as well, nor particularly grown up in the words you use. You come across almost like a Catherine Tate character at times.

Original poster
Lagoonablue · 24/06/2014 14:36

She isn't in a care home.

OP posts:
gertiegusset · 24/06/2014 14:48

Yep, stingy and thoughtless.

MyFairyKing · 24/06/2014 14:54

Isn't it lovely when people see their older relatives as sources of income rather than family members?! Smile Such joy and love!

pudding25 · 24/06/2014 15:08

PhaedraIsMyName- It is not a case of expecting to be given this kind of money, it is the fact that all the parents I know want to help out their children to make a good start in life if they have the money to do so. I don't see the problem. We never asked my parents or in-laws to help us with a deposit for our house. However, without it, they knew we would not be able to move near the school we wanted or live in a nice area. They wanted to give us the money they did.

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