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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is MIL a stingy miser?

185 replies

Lagoonablue · 22/06/2014 22:58

MIL is pretty old but has full capacity. She is in sheltered accommodation and pays for care but is still very well off. Her accountant regularly suggests she gift large sums of money to her grandchildren for tax reasons. She ignores this. She will leave a lot when she dies. Not sure to who but a lot to the taxman too as she won't take advice.

Fair enough. I have no expectations of her giving us large sums of money regularly. It would have been nice and she can easily afford it but she didn't when we married or had kids and she seldom sends the grandchildren much on birthdays. My parents by contrast would give their last penny. Bought us the cot and pram, helped with our house deposit etc. they are not well off.

Anyway DH had a significant birthday on Friday. His mother sent him a cheque.........for fifteen pound. FFS. Why even bother?

What is she even thinking? Who sends a grown man £15?

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 23/06/2014 09:36

Parents not parentage

lainiekazan · 23/06/2014 09:49

Pil were the same. When bil had to look at their finances everyone was shocked that they had been pleading poverty for years and actually had masses of money. But as has been said upthread, that's how some people manage to save so much!

Mil's presents were legendary. A rather nasty vase one Christmas... followed by exactly the same vase the following Christmas. She had obviously got a BOGOF and saved one up to give the next year. Every year they came for Christmas - and their contribution was usually nothing until the last year they came they surpassed themselves: a box of ordinary crackers - opened and with two removed for them to use for New Year.

Anyway, in pil's finances was a note from the solicitor who had drawn up their will stating that they had positively declined any advice on inheritance planning. Said it all, really.

diddl · 23/06/2014 09:53

Even if MIL has pots of money-why should she give her son more than she wishes to for his birthday?

Miggsie · 23/06/2014 09:54

My friend has very wealthy parents and their accountant gave exactly the same advice - and they set up a trust fund for their grandchildren in order to reduce the inheritance tax. But then he was a business man and could see the sense in it.

It is likely your MIL is poor at taking advice and it is a shame she will let a lot of her money go to HMRC because she won't take advice. Unless she plans to get below inheritance tax threshold by making massive charitable donations.

Either way, it is her money and people vary in their attitudes - both my father and my MIL are very generous to their grandchildren, my brother's MIL would take the last match from the little match girl and crow about it afterwards. That's how it is.

diddl · 23/06/2014 09:55

The way some people talk about their rellies on here, is it any wonder that these well off folk don't want to be gifting money to them in their life time?

FartyMcGhee · 23/06/2014 09:59

OP, what would you think was appropriate?

Preciousbane · 23/06/2014 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatever5 · 23/06/2014 10:04

I think that a cheque for £15 plus sheets for her daughters birthday suggest she could be a stingy miser if she has plenty of money. That's probably why she has a lot of money though!

CrapBag · 23/06/2014 10:11

I can see how people say you are being stingy but I think YANBU.

My dad doesn't have loads of money but we all get £50 for our birthdays and Christmas, his 4 children and his mum. Christmas costs him loads but he still does it.

MIL has more money and we got nothing for Christmas because she was moving house (funded entirely by the sale of hers and ex's house and she got to keep everything inside).

We got a token outfit when the kids were born from MIL and much more towards big stuff from my family (who have a significant amount of young children, our 2 DCs are going to be MILs only ever DGC).

Its true what they say, the people with money don't bother and the people who don't have it are the ones that do. I have noticed many times that DH's family are very stingy and mine are the total opposite so I find it hard to understand. I hope I can still treat my children when they are adults, and their offspring.

lainiekazan · 23/06/2014 10:12

But some parents have always been stingy and just because they're old doesn't mean they suddenly become sweet little old people to whom we should be grateful for 50p (which incidentally mil offered to ds for his school trip to France).

Dh suffered a lifetime of their meanness, including their trying to prevent him from going to university because they didn't want to contribute to accommodation costs. Mil would regularly mention this even 30 years later.

They always spent on themselves like there was no tomorrow, however.

Anyway, "As ye sew so shall ye reap" because the pil don't get that many visits in their nursing home.

Viviennemary · 23/06/2014 10:14

If I thought somebody couldn't wait to get their hands on my money I wouldn't give them a penny no matter who suggested it. It's hers. Get your sticky paws of it. Honestly some folk!

MarmaladeShatkins · 23/06/2014 10:16

Oh I dunno.

As others have said, it's up to Scrooge McDuck MIL to decide what she feels appropriate to gift her son and she has decided that £15 is plenty.

But even knowing that, I would still be a bit miffed on a big birthday to get £15. Assuming he is 40, that is 37 and a half pence for each year of his life! Poor sausage.

diddl · 23/06/2014 10:29

"But even knowing that, I would still be a bit miffed on a big birthday to get £15."

You see I find that really odd.

You're an adult-buy whay you want for your own birthday!

Be glad others think of you & send a card/wish you "happy birthday".

MarmaladeShatkins · 23/06/2014 10:30

I don't find it odd.

diddl · 23/06/2014 10:32

Why would you be miffed to get £15 for a "big" birthday?

MarmaladeShatkins · 23/06/2014 10:34

Because it's thoughtless.

diddl · 23/06/2014 10:44

"Because it's thoughtless."

That's a joke, right?

fifi669 · 23/06/2014 10:46

I think it's just an old person thing. My nan is in her 70s possibly 80s it seems to be a state secret even her children don't know and pleads poverty. We all know she's minted. Before gdad died he was pretty open about their finances. She'll get dad to take time off work (self employed builder) to do work for her and then say she's too poor to afford the going rate and offers not much over materials and tea/cake. He grits his teeth and loses money as it is his mum though he's not overly impressed!

She does buy presents.... From the charity shop she used to volunteer at! They were never any good or age appropriate but i guess some thought was there? I guess that's why she's minted.

Dad is pretty sure she'll outlive us all but has suggested financial planning anyway, she says there's no money to consider. Sigh. Honestly nan, we know!

MarmaladeShatkins · 23/06/2014 10:46

No.

MissMilbanke · 23/06/2014 10:52

£15 is not a huge amount for a parental gift if they can afford it, I agree.But it is a gift and should be appreciated for what it is - a gift.

My MIL is in a similar position and regularly 'redistributes' her wealth as gifts to avoid too much money going to the tax man in the future. They have to survive a further 7 years for the 'gift' to be free of tax in the future.

if this is unlikely (but to be honest who really knows when our time is up) then I wouldn't give it anymore thought and just let the loss to the taxman go and stop it pecking away at you.

Orphanblue · 23/06/2014 10:53

Her money, her choice. I have zero expectations of my pil financially. They are comfortable from what I can gather but their financial prefs are none of my business. They are very generous with their time and practical help and for that we are very grateful. Never occurred to me to expect anything else. Be responsible for your own financial destiny, people, and lay off the grandparents!

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 23/06/2014 10:55

If MIL cannot easily get out to the shops, and doesn't use the internet, it would be hard for her to buy a physical present.

But you say she 'sent a cheque' - doesn't your DH go and see his DM and take her out at all? If she wants to get him a little something, they could go out and choose it together.

I admit that the amount seems quite small and random, given the circumstances, but I don't really agree with presents for adults anyway - just buy what you want for yourself, when you want. You are obviously not desperately skint, to be able to throw away 15 without a care like that.

Could you DH just get himself a bottle of whisky, wine or whatever, and when he sees his DM, thank her for the present she got him?

YY to previous posters who say that some older people are stuck in the past, in terms of what things cost and expectations, and also the fear of running out of funds.

Many will have had a much simpler upbringing, with many things that we take for granted as staples today being thought of as luxuries and also very expensive.

If you remember a time when 3 bought a whole week's shopping, to pay that amount for single cup of coffee or pint of beer would seem like complete madness, for example.

Pagwatch · 23/06/2014 11:09

My mum is getting really rubbish at knowing what to get for presents.
As she gets older her anxiety about getting it wrong makes her stuck unable to get anything.
I usually get a call the week before saying 'what can I get for pagboy' . After half an hour trying to persuade her that a card is fine she persuades me to get something and she will send the money. So I end up buying an extra present every birthday - and I have to get something because I have to tell her what it is so she can ask them if they like it. [sigh]

She's started asking me about extended family now. I'm going to assure her that a £15 cheque is perfect very single time Grin

whatever5 · 23/06/2014 11:27

Obviously it's her money and her choice. Doesn't mean she's not a stingy miser though!

My MIL gave us £15 in tokens for our wedding present. The tokens had to be spent where she lived which was a four hour drive away. She then moaned about how ungrateful we were because we didn't rush up to her house to collect and spend them. I don't think we ever did collect them...

gotthemoononastick · 23/06/2014 11:44

Wow,so much entitlement here.

I am old ,but not near care yet(please God help me to walk out into the bush before that has to happen)and I am already buying generic cards by the dozen to save the hassle of finding them for family birthdays.

How lovely to get a serendipitous 15pound' thought',even if it was a dud.

Of course she fears that her funds will not see her out.