Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL a stingy miser?

185 replies

Lagoonablue · 22/06/2014 22:58

MIL is pretty old but has full capacity. She is in sheltered accommodation and pays for care but is still very well off. Her accountant regularly suggests she gift large sums of money to her grandchildren for tax reasons. She ignores this. She will leave a lot when she dies. Not sure to who but a lot to the taxman too as she won't take advice.

Fair enough. I have no expectations of her giving us large sums of money regularly. It would have been nice and she can easily afford it but she didn't when we married or had kids and she seldom sends the grandchildren much on birthdays. My parents by contrast would give their last penny. Bought us the cot and pram, helped with our house deposit etc. they are not well off.

Anyway DH had a significant birthday on Friday. His mother sent him a cheque.........for fifteen pound. FFS. Why even bother?

What is she even thinking? Who sends a grown man £15?

OP posts:
DontPutMeDownForCardio · 23/06/2014 00:06

You sound like a vulture.

winkywinkola · 23/06/2014 00:07

Yes it's a bit tight but then so what? It doesn't really matter, does it?

By the same token though, I would hate for anyone to give their last penny for me, buying cot, buggy, house deposit (gosh!) etc. Especially if they weren't well off. I couldn't possibly accept such gifts.

I think you sound like you expect a lot of gifts, op.

SweetsForMySweet · 23/06/2014 00:10

YABU. At least she sent your dh something, it's the thought that counts not the amount, Cut her some slack. How do you know she is well off? People's perception of other people's finances often differ from reality. She lives alone and rarely sees family, maybe she doesn't want to give any of you HER money because she wants to spend it on the people who spend time with her rather than the ones who make no effort and are waiting for their inheritence which she may not give to any of you. Treat her like a person instead of an atm machine and she might feel you deserve her money. She rarely sees you, your dh (her son) and your children(her grandchildren). She owes you and your family nothing.

nooka · 23/06/2014 00:10

An unsigned small cash cheque just seems a bit odd to me. If I was your dh I would be concerned. My mother is very wealthy but rarely remembers my birthday. I don't mind, I know she loves me.

Iflyaway · 23/06/2014 00:11

Best thing I find for my peace of mind is to step back from crazy family stuff Smile

Easier said than done I know...

MrsMikeDelfino · 23/06/2014 00:14

Seriously? All of us spend about £15 on each others birthdays in this family. We are all very happy with that. What an odd post.

This. Some people are just grasping. Not to mention ungrateful. I was always taught to appreciate presents, and it's the thought that counts. Not Hmm if not enough has been spent!

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 23/06/2014 00:15

A "stingy miser" would be doing better tax-planning, tbqh. OP, you sound as if you don't care for her much. If I were your MIL, I'd be leaving the lot to a charity of some sort; the kind that would most piss you off.

And your dh doesn't sound much better; why put the cheque in the recyling, rather than talking to his mum and pointing out she'd forgotten to sign it?

Scarletbanner · 23/06/2014 00:23

Maybe she's just happy for you to pay your fair share of tax on your windfall inheritance?

SinisterBuggyMonth · 23/06/2014 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChelsyHandy · 23/06/2014 01:01

I don't think she sounds like a stingy miser. She sounds wily and more than aware of her grasping DIL. People do occasionally forget to sign cheques. Why don't you take it along when you next go to see her so she can add her signature?

If her accountant is suggesting large lifetime gifts to avoid IHT, then she should check that he isn't passing on personal financial information about his client to third parties, and ensure she has proper legal advice on her will - perhaps she does and this explains her desire not to make such gifts.

Its called a will for a reason. It represents a person's free will to do what they wish with their worldly goods.

botanicbaby · 23/06/2014 01:12

FGS what is wrong with people?

you already say "MIL is pretty old", well at risk of generalising, a lot of older people DO use cheques (nothing odd about that, its what they are used to, seen as a safe way of paying someone)

as a PP said, 15 pounds can be seen as a lot of cash, more so if you are from a different generation.

"she can easily afford it" how the hell do you know? do you check all her finances? at least your MIL pays for her own sheltered accommodation. sometimes people who have had to work hard for what they have got, like to hang on to it to ensure they can pay their way throughout their life, not necessarily because they are stingy or have a carefree attitude towards money.

have a word with yourself, there is no reason at all why your MIL should be 'gifting' large sums of money to you/your offspring. It is none of your business. What your own parents choose to do is irrelevant.

ShanghaiDiva · 23/06/2014 01:27

Up to her what she does with her cash and none of your business.
Agree with Botanicbaby - what your parents do is irrelevant.

NanaNina · 23/06/2014 01:44

I think some old people still "live in the past" and don't realise how much everything costs these days. Others are just mean. My FIL wouldn't give a penny away and when MIL gave us anything she always said not to tell him! My DP always used to fetch his pension and it was due on a Tuesday but DP often couldn't get over there till later in the week and knew FIL was not in dire need of his pension, but FiL used to drive him mad about not getting the pension on Tuesday and it transpired that he was afraid he would die after his pension day and so would lose it!!! He actually admitted this.

However when he died at aged 86 he left all his money to DP and his daughter, so we were able to give money to our children and grandchildren and have a lovely garden room thanks to FIL! I can't understand this because I love nothing better than seeing my adult kids and grandchildren enjoying any money we can afford to give them (well more the grandchildren really) and he was deprived of this, and he knew he couldn't take he money with him!!

mimishimmi · 23/06/2014 07:30

YABU. You sound grasping. My grandparents are similiarly well-off (one left on each side) , one spectacularly so, and I've never received, or asked for, or had my parents ask for any gift from them, large or small.

whattheseithakasmean · 23/06/2014 07:38

YANBU, my MIL is exactly the same. Loaded, but will send DH a cheque for £15 or £25 for his birthday - you think she would at least round it up to the nearest zero!

We don't actually need the money, so she shouldn't bother as it just seems stingy. A bottle of wine would cost less, but actually be a nicer present.

Original poster
Lagoonablue · 23/06/2014 07:44

Grasping and grabby? Ok. I wish I had the moral fortitude of some of you.....

I asked I suppose. However I still don't think expecting a very well off parent ( and I know exactly how well off) to be able to give a more generous gift to her son. I certainly don't expect it from her for myself. She isn't my mum after all. However it would be nice if she even bothered to send her grandchildren a present of some description on the occasion of their birth and subsequent birthdays.

I hope I am more generous with my children and grandchildren is all I can hope for. You can't take it with you after all!

OP posts:
TheHouseatWhoCorner · 23/06/2014 07:49

I hope your DH phoned her to thank her for the gift.
You both sound very ungrateful and money orientated.
It must be frustrating that she's ignoring tax advice, but remember that her generation are often worried about what would happen yo them if they ran out of money.
Also, as previous posters have said, many people have a set gift budget in their head and forget to update it to reflect the changing cost of things.

Sidthesausage · 23/06/2014 07:49

I find the same - those with money are rarely giving to anyone, those without would give people their last dime.

80sMum · 23/06/2014 07:50

This reminds me of my own MIL, who is also well off. We were talking about a dear friend of hers who has been a complete lifesaver for her over the past couple of years, helped her at home, taken her out etc.
I suggested MIL might like to leave this friend a small legacy in her will. MIL agreed it was a good idea and suggested £100! I had been thinking more along the lines of £10,000!
She's not at all mean, just a bit out of touch!

Original poster
Lagoonablue · 23/06/2014 07:55

I just can't stand meanness. Her xmas present to her daughter was a set of sheets. To be used on the spare bed in her own flat when the daughter visited!

Have just remembered that. Not drip feeding or didn't mean to.

Anyway enough of it. I have read the messages and while I do t agree with many of them, always interesting to hear the views!

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Vinomcstephens · 23/06/2014 07:55

I think you've come on here looking for agreement that your MIL is indeed a stingy get and that really, she should be passing chunks of her money to your kids - otherwise why mention it at all?

But all you've done is show yourself to be greedy. You've admitted your parents don't have much money and yet you've taken money from them left right and centre - I know, I know OP, they insisted, right? I don't think any less of your MIL for keeping her money - FWIW I think £15 is a perfectly acceptable amount to spend and my grandmother sends me cheques which always have at least one mistake on then (usually not signed/no date) but because I have no expectations of financial assistance from her, the cheques make me smile.

I'm sure your poor but generous parents made a huge fuss of your husband and showered him with appropriately expensive gifts? Smile

Sidthesausage · 23/06/2014 07:58

Just to add that we have zero expectations of receiving money and everything we have achieved has been down to our own merits and hard work. I'm proud of that but so wish we had a little help somewhere along the line as life is hard graft. We usually get 20 from IL's and parents as gifts and we are greatfull as we put all parents small cash offerings together to buy a magazine subscription or something we otherwise wouldn't have.

Original poster
Lagoonablue · 23/06/2014 07:58

No vino they sent him a small book token. Perfectly reasonable. They are not his parents after all.

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 23/06/2014 07:58

I think some people are afraid of not having enough.
my grandparents were like that. Lovely people and generous but held on to their money because they feared needing it and not having it. They saved it for their old age but old age was always in the future even when they were 80 Grin
Going through the war also had an effect. The rationing, the not having enough, it affected them. They also were raised to take care of themselves and to ensure that they had enough put by to see them off.
when they died, they had so much money in the bank. It was such a shame. They never felt like they were wealthy and they lived modestly when they could have spent all that having a great retirement. Instead, they sat on it and what did not go on their care just got passed on instead of benefitting them in their life.

dollius · 23/06/2014 08:00

FGS, of course it is an insulting gift, but at the sheets for the daughter!

OP just laugh it off.