To not want to go to family party?

[PandasRock]

This could get long, sorry.

I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' )

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

Good for you Panda. Your ILs sound a nightmare and a black tie dinner is not a place for young children. I'm so glad you've talked it through with DH. Could your lovely friend come and spend some time with you and DC whilst DH is away, to give you some support?

Well if solidarity as a family is so important, he could choose not to go also!

Who cares wtf his family think?

I think it's great that you aren't putting yourself &the kids through it.

And if they say awful things he should leave.

You know " you insult my family you insult me"

And if they think it's acceptable to bad mouth you & the kids to him-that should tell him something!

Yes, I agree. If he doesn't want you and DC "airbrushed" out then he should refuse to play along with the airbrushing and simply not attend.

I also think he shouldn't attend. 'We come as a package' kind of thing.

But I realise that would be very hard for him (and for you) and it sounds as though the decision you've come to will be fine.

"He wants to go, and tell them all why I am not there - that I do not feel welcome, or even liked and accepted as a DIL/SIL, and so didn't want to come."

If he's prepared to say that much then surely he needs to tell the whole truth. He needs to be prepared to fully spell it out and detail the foreseeable disastrous and lasting effects on the children. This seems, after all, to be the true underlying reason.

If he can do that in a matter of fact manner and not come across as placatory it would be all to the good. He may need rather a lot of rehearsals before the big day though!

Glad you have come to a decision.

^ should have expanded on the matter of fact manner and not placatory bit to say '...not come across as placatory or open for discussion, as it has already been decided by the people best qualified under the circumstances.' This, to most people, should reinforce your solidarity as a couple in their own eyes. That's what I was driving at when I said it would be all to the good.

Good show, panda

Thanks everyone. It's a relief to have it over with. No doubt I'll have to go through it all again at some point, but first hurdle cleared.

I think those saying dh shouldn't go either are being a bit harsh. Yes, in an ideal world he would cut free, but he isn't ready to (and may never be).

It was relatively easy for me to go NC - my father was a controlling bully and an alcoholic. He made us all suffer when my mum finally kicked him out (no maintennace paid, stopped paying the mortgage and school fees - we went from naice comfortable middle class life to homeless and destitute in 6 short months), and then whined that he hadn't meant for any of that to happen for the next 10 years. As soon as I could (18) I refused to see him, and shortly afterwards I stopped calling him too - I didn't need to hear it, and told him that.

Dh's family are not as outwardly awful. So he finds it harder to find the catalyst to stop contact, because they 'can be nice'. He is still seeking the approval he should have got as a small child, and still trying to prove his worth to them. Because none of them Have done anything truly awful, he still feels bound to them out of duty, and out of fear.

Good idea about him telling them that a large part of the reason is the children. I might talk to him about that. After all, it's not just me - I fronted up to everything when it was.

It's understandable that he doesn't feel able to not go.

But it's not on to try to push you into going to present a united front, when he won't entertain not going to present one iyswim.

Afterall, you are trying to protect yourself & kids from horrible, controlling ILs.

It's not as if you just find them a bit hard going!

But now that you have made your stance, that should give him pause for thought.

Especially if you keep it up.

Yep - if he goes and you and the dc don't and he explains the reason for your joint decision ie. not subjecting the children to unnecessary stress, then that is also presenting a united front, though it might be too subtle for PIL to see it as such...

Glad you have spoken up Panda, I bet it is a relief.

Well done op

Glad you've reached and agreed a final decision with your DH OP. Maybe in addition to informing them of your joint decision that it wasn't in the best interests of your Dc's, he could add that he loves you too much to subject you to them!

I wouldnt want to go if I were you. Id please myself at the risk of a row, I think.

But tbh I do wonder about the way you've described your DH & situation - you've talked about having to deal with your DCs at event as if he is insignificant in this respect - he is also their parent will he not be involved in looking after/entertaining them too?

Shergar's suggestion seems to be your best option. & as for the ex-wife being there I wouldn't give a shit about that, ignore her she'll just be one of many there.

But ultimately you know how you feel so if you don't want to go then,don't..but in your shoes if I knew my DH really, really wanted to go then Id go with him and support him..albeit finding a way not to be at the WHOLE event..

So no, I wouldnt please myself at the risk of a row (disclaimer!) as I don't think its worth it tbh

...you've talked about having to deal with your DCs at event as if he is insignificant in this respect - he is also their parent will he not be involved in looking after/entertaining them too?

DeeCee I think the OP has already answered your question earlier in the thread

Well, the backlash has started. Dh finally told his brother last week that only he would be going. BIL expressed sorrow that I &dc wouldn't be there and said things would feel 'incomplete' without us. A nice though, Exocet he is the one who claims dh's ex is his 'real' SIL, instead of me (why he can't have 2 is beyond me!).

Other BIL has sent dh an email saying that since they are over for the summer (as they are every year, yet haven't bothered to want to meet before) we should meet up - I am assuming this is to try to convince us all to attend, as they really never bother otherwise.

And MIL has phoned and wants to talk to me. I am so far resisting . Dh is away this week, so I expect she thinks she can catch me alone, and get me to weaken (probably by telling me how much it would mean to dh). That'll be an interesting conversation, when I do have to finally have it, as I am in no mood to keep the peace at the moment.

Maybe the BIL is trying to make amends?

But stay strong when you do finally speak to MIL!

Tell them all to jog on!

Can you arrange to meet up with BIL after the party rather than before?

Would it not be best to have the conversation with MIL now and get it over with, when you can rehearse your side and there's no danger of DH overhearing and feeling conflicted or reverting to putting his own brand of pressure on you?

Stay strong. Good luck.

Can't meet after the party as BIL and family win then be at the opposite end of the country for the rest of their stay. The week before the party they are relatively close by.

Still 2 out of the 4 possible days are not possible (event at dd's school and a pre-accepted day out for the dc) and no idea what dh's work diary looks like for the other days... May not happen after all.

Still haven't spoken to MIL, and plan on keeping it that way. She has left a second message where her tone was positively glacial, so he facade is cracking already.

Keep it up op! Dontcrack!

Oh, that's a shame. Don't you just hate a diary clash!

Of you do have to speak to MIL, write down some sock phrases and don't get drawn onto doing something you don't want to make her happy.

Dh thinks MIL will be playing the 'oh, but we haven't seen the dc for ages and we'll miss them' card, which is a bit rich since she originally had a tantrum over the thought of including them (seriously - could practically hear the foot stamp as she moaned about it beig her birthday and she didn't want to spend it with children )

If that fails she will lecture us on how we should pander to dd1 whims, and should carry on with our lives with no concession to the children at all (as they did), neatly ignoring the disability issue.

I am not in the mood for either of those conversations, so will continue avoiding her, I think. Dh is keen to get the conversation over with, and is hinting at calling tonight - crack on, I say. He can fill his boots. I see no need for me to be part of it.

Has the conversation been had panda?