To not want to go to family party?

[PandasRock]

This could get long, sorry.

I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' )

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

I would not want to go at all. I get that your DH wants you and your kids to be closer to his family, but his parents said your marriage wasn't valid?! Wasn't he upset by that? I can't imagine asking my partner to go and be sweet and social to anyone who said that to me/us, even if it didn't involve making children with special needs stressed and miserable. I can't really understand why he's asking you to go.

And if people ask why the kids aren't with you, you can either just breezily say 'oh no, it's simply not suitable' or 'oh it's so lovely to just have a break and be a couple sometimes'

maras - ex wife is going because she is still friendly with dh's family. I have absolutely no problem with this - she was their DIL/SIL for years, and is mother of grandchildren/nephews/cousins etc.

coco - I think I might have had a thread when MIL expected us to pay for the whole shebang. And various other threads over the years about PIL.

Shergar - we could do that. It seems a lot of hassle. but would be doable. Other factor in this is ££££ - somehwere to stay round there is not cheap. a weekend at peak rate, in a place big enough for us all to stay is looking at £600+. For somethign I don't want to do. But yes, that is an option.

I still favour dh going on his own, to the hwole lot - less disruption for the dc, less hassle for me, less expense for us all. Everyone happy. Except dh, who still has visions of this lovely family party

Scholes - dpeends on what you define as bitching. I do know there are discussions about me not working - it isn't really accepted that it isn't possible (due to high needs of dc). And I know (heard it repeated back to me verbatim by a naive stepchild) that there are discussions on how difficult my life is (it isn't, really. It's different, yes. But we are fine and happy), accompanied with conversations on each subsequent pregnancy about how brave (read foolish) I was to have another, considering, and how I must be looking forward to 'being a real parent' (this said when I was pregnant with dd2, as though dd1 is not a 'real' child, fgs!)

I doubt they spend their lives nattering about me, but I do know there are regular pointed barbs.

Re: the finances - good question! PIL see it as thir dc's 'duty' I think. Plus they are just cheeky spongers, tbh!. The idea was that dh and siblings would all want to chip in to give MIL a party she has always wanted (PIL are not on the breadline). Knowing dh's siblings, this would mean dh bearing the majority of costs. I think MIL saw it as a way for dh to apologise for being virtually no contact - that she would graciously accept his throwing her a party, and no more would be said about all the reasons for the no contact! And of course, when dh said no, the shit hit the fan once more...

dh will not pull his weight - he will get stuck in with catching up with family he hasn't seen for ages (unerstandable), leaving me to do it all.

Would it help to focus his mind a bit if you suggest he go alone with the children and you give it a miss since you are clearly not welcomed by his family?

He has suggested going alone with th children. I do not htink this is in the childrne's best interests, as he would still get caught up chatting to everyone, and would not be on top of what they all need.

I just wouldn't go.
I can not think of anything more hellish than what you describe tbh.
Why on earth would your DH think this would be a good thing for you and the children?
If he wants to go, fine, have fun and catch up.
But he can not make you go so I don't know what he thinks is going to happen.
Next time he brings this up I would be telling him that you will be taking your DD1 over to him to deal with when she starts struggling with the situation as it is he who wanted to go so badly then he can deal with the consequences of his selfish decision.

I suggest being ill at the last minute if you really feel as if you are unable to refuse. But, if you can, honesty is the best policy.

Does he even know his children?
I don't but I already know that this is not a good idea for your children, they won't get anything from it and it will be upsetting especially for your DD1.
If its pride getting in the way, let him tell them you've all got a bug going around so couldn't make it or whatever.
But if I were you, no the children would not be going.

I think it is OK at a family do for the parent who isn't the blood relation to do more of the looking after the kids bit - that could be also partly the fact that it gives me something to do.

I personally wouldn't go but if the other half had his heart really set on it and we could afford it I would take friend, go to black tie sans children, make brief appearances at other events with children then leave and spend rest of time with friend.

Put a budget together for all this and give to husband and tell him choice is his.

Quite possibly he will change his mind. But if he doesn't make it very clear to him before hand that you will only take the children to the events with your friend to help there as well for very short periods. Make sure he takes that in. I'd personally be inclined to put it on the budget you give him too. Just so it is all recorded - not that I am saying he'd try to make out differently but sometimes when we have our hearts set on something we get blinkered and only hear what we want or expect to hear.

I understand that your DH wants to build bridges with his parents and have them get to know their DGCs, but this party is really not the time. He's being ridiculously unrealistic. A black tie dinner thing would be a nightmare for any small children but for yours it will be particularly hellish.

Just say NO and NO again. He can go if he likes, and indeed he probably should go, but if he can't understand why you do not want to be subjected to all that crap, and in front of his ex-wife to boot, then he needs a good talking to.

It is ok for the parent who isn't related to do more of the looking after, yes. But it isn't physically possible to do so on this situation. 3 dc, 2 with additional needs (1 significant) and a 2 year old who is at the running about and shrieking phase.

I don't understand why he wants to build bridges, tbh. But that isn't my decision to make. I am not sure, however, that I want my children to even have a chance at a relationship - these are not nice people. And I don't want my dc caught up in the next generation of divide and conquer and abusive, manipulative relationships.

Oh, and dh can understand why I don't want to go, but seems to think we will all have a nice time anyway, and that we should all go.

Have you thought about getting a nanny for the weekend? Most nanny agencies will provide temp nannies. That way you have someone to help you with the kids all weekend, she can take watch one dc, or take some or all of them out for a bit. With some warning you should be able to find someone who has experience with autism (my ds1 is hfasd)

It's not ideal but it is a comprise and might allow you to cope. Especially since it's unlikely to happen again.

That was MIL solution! Technically, yes, it would be possible (although £££££, obviously).

But it would stress all of the dc to be with someone they don't know all weekend, and not really fair to them. We would have weeks of repercussions from doing that, even if we could find someone to cope.

As this is so important to your DH, I think you should go and use some of the suggestions above about getting childcare etc if it will help your DC to cope. I'm sure it will be hideous for you, but it doesn't sound like you have to put up with seeing your awful in laws very often, so I think it is worth making an effort on this occasion.

Could you and DH plan a specific code phrase which, if you say it, means 'I know you are enjoying catching up with your brother / cousin but I really need your help with the DC immediately'?

Why are you asking for advice?

You obviously don't want to go. All suggestions are being met with a "yes, but..."

You don't want to go. So don't go. Let your DH work out what he wants to do.

Sound really tough. I think you just have to chose a line and repeat it like a broken record.

Have you pointed out that in previous family parties he has not pulled his weight? And that they are awful to your DC and imply they aren't family? Regardless of what he wants, you do not want to go and have excellent reasons for that, which since he's been virtually NC, he can hardly argue with!

I would say that him going alone or no-one going are the only options as you're not prepared to put yourself and the DC through that.

I'm not sure tha I am asking for advice, Wips. I asked if I was being unreasonable to not want to go/not go.

I don't want to go, and dh is not listening to that. He is sticking his fingers in his ears and going 'la la la'. And is on the verge of booking somewhere expensive for us all to stay. And if I say it anymore forcefully than I already have, it is goin to cause a huge row.

I have done these family parties for 15 years now. I have not enjoyed a single one. And most of them have brought additional grief in one form or another. I want to say 'enough' and not go.

I don't want my children to go either, although I concede I may be ending unreasonable about that (ie even if I could guarantee their need would be met I still wouldn't want them to go)

I can understand your worries, but really do think you should go. It's clearly important to him. I imagine the chance to catch up with many relations all in one go doesn't come up very often, especially if many are coming from abroad. From what you say it's only really the PIL and ex wife that you feel are the problem, there will be many other people there who will love to see you and spend time with you all.

I would think the friend looking after the kids for the black tie, followed by all of you going for the next day (depending on the plan) would be your best bet.

Finally, why do you actually give a flying fuck what these people think of you or your children? Who cares if they are tutting or judging, it just shows how boring and small their lives are. I wonder if you are overthinking it a little. His parents probably gave wifey one the same treatment until the split. I doubt very much that most of the other relatives attending are so caught up in family politics, so go and make the most of it for your husband and steer as clear as you can from the parents in law. And keep repeating Dr Seuss " those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind ".

You've been saying for months you don't want to go. I would now change that and say you won't go. And not will the children. If DH wants to go and mingle with these toxic people then that's fine, but he can't expose the dcs to them. If he won't have them in your home, why will he expose the dcs to them elsewhere.

Stop debating and put your foot down.

Then yes, YABU.

Perhaps mentioning the problems at previous parties earlier would have been useful. What grief did they bring exactly?

You have stated that your PIL haven't seen your DC for 3 years now, and that was a 30 minute flying visit, so I really can't see how you are so sure it's not going to go well. But it won't if you don't give yourself a kick up the arse and decide that bugger them, you are going to enjoy it and make it fun for your kids to get to know their extended family of your DH side.

To be honest I think you are as much of the problem as your PIL, you seem so determined that it will be awful. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy.

Erm , I have mentioned the issues from previous parties. The last party, 5 years ago, was the catalyst for dh being virtually no contact. He is aware it will be a nightmare, but still wants to go.

If it was just me, I would (and have, for years) suck it up. I do not want my children involved, hearing snidely little remarks or being treated differently/snubbed. That is where I draw the line, as it was clear from the last one that they would not hesitate to play power games with them too.

Both of you are contorting yourselves with this ridiculous situation because of fear.

He is terrified of the repercussions if he doesn't 'do as he's told' and you are terrified of setting clear boundaries.

If anyone said/did what these people had done, there'd be no question of maintaining contact, they be GONE!

It is not practical on any level to take the dc there. It is financially ridiculous, and a complete narcissistic circus.

Say "No, i'm not going, and neither are the kids, because of the way they've been treated, because of the way I have been treated, ALSO because of the nature of the event (i.e the dc won't be able to handle any of it). I just doesn't work on any level"

I'd also say that if anyone treated my (theoretical) dh and kids the way his have me, i'd not have anything to do with any of them, and sod the party!

I genuinely don't see that there is anything for your dh to celebrate.

A wedding anniversary? A birthday for his mother? When the union and the woman have not supported him in anyway and have sought to belittle, undermine and destroy.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers!

I don't think he wants to go, I think he's terrified not to.

Big difference.