To not want to go to family party?

[PandasRock]

This could get long, sorry.

I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' )

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

I would definitely not go to this event and certainly not take any children. Organise some other fun thing for yourself and the children locally on the same day, and keep (quietly, nicely, but firmly) saying you are not going because a black tie dinner some distance away is completely unsuitable for young children. If he wants to go, he can go by himself.
If your husband wants to maintain a healthy relationship with his family, that's fine, but he should be capable of doing this by himself without roping in a wife and children whom his family don't like.
In my experience it's also very unwise, in a difficult and emotional relationship, to invest too much importance in some great big grand one-off event that's bound to have something or other go wrong that will end up being a huge source of bitterness for years. Far better to keep in touch very frequently with just short and polite messages and phone calls.
I do empathise with both you and your husband very strongly, it's difficult having problem relatives.

APlace, yes I am inflexible on this one. I will not go and have my children tutted at and made to feel out of place for even existing. They don't ned that.

I will not subject them to their siblings (my stepchildren) being the favoured children, and them being all but ignored. there are some cousins who are close-ish in age, but they live abroad, so they will be feted as the golden children, while mine are (once more) largely ignored. I do understand that it can be difficult to engage with dd1 (well, not really, just repetitive and not exactly highbrow conversations!), and that ore interestig conversations can be hed elsewhere - all fine. Not fine to therefore ignore her, and then be arsey when her behaviour deteriorates.

I cannot send them with dh - he will revert to family behaviour when with them, and dd1 in particular would end up very distressed (I do NOT mean he would be unkind to her, but he would not accept not being part of conversations/general chatter to be onhand with her, and constantly talking to her and managing her behaviours.)

I don't hate my PILs, btw, I just don't particularly want to have a relationship with them. I do not share their views on, well just about anything, and don't want to spend a significant amount of money, and add in lots of stress, to end up painting on a smile, putting up with snidey commments, and ignoring lots of pointed remarks. I am more than happy for dh to continue his relationship with htem if that is what he wants (I think he is foolish for doing so, but it is not up to me).

I don't know if IABU to not let any of the dc go, given the situation is not violent/immediately obviously controlling. It is more the drip feed, and cumulative effect of all their behaviours which will have an impact. the question is - is it better to not let them have a relationship at all, or to let them go and then try to mop up the pieces.

I thik the problem is, dh still wants to have a happy family. HIs parents have played divide and rule for years - always havign one favourite among the siblings who can do no wrong, and moaning and backbiting about the others. Then, abruptly, they change who is favourite, and drop them like a hot stone. Next favoured sibling is so pathetically grateful for the atention, that they play along for a bit, befor eeventually tiring, and then being dropped and replaced. rinse and repeat, for decades.

dh still wants to try to maintain a relationship with his siblings - his elder brother (who he never got along with as a child) is the one who can't really be bothered to see us - here or there. his younger brother believes his ex wife should still be his wife, doesn't think he should have remarried, and regards my stepchildren as his 'proper' relatives - no one has asked what that makes our dc. I once had to stay with this BIL and SIL for 3 days (by prior, happy (so we thought) arrangement - all had been cordial and friendly up to this point). He didn't speak to me at all, for the hwole time I was in the house. He completely blanked me if he was in the same room as me, and when SIL asked him to do somehting for me (to look up the number of the cab firm he always uses), replied he couldn't be bothered as it was for me. I cannot be bothered to put myself out to the degree required for this event to go and eat, drink and be merry. It's all too artificial and papering-over-the-cracks for me.

I am not, I must stress, trying to stop dh seeing any of them. I couldn't if I wanted to, but it would also be unfair of me to ask. But this is not a new situation. We have been together for 17 years, married for 15. this is something that has gone on for a long time now, and I have had enough. They all came to dh's significant birthday party 3 years ago (time of the fleeting meeting with dc and PIL) - and I was happy to host them and welcome them (party was at another venue, hence no one really seeing dc who were at home with lovely friend). BUt I cannot bring myself to attend their party - I don't like them, so don't see why I should go.

Dont go, for your sanitys sake, do not go. It will not end well, it really wont. Something will happen and you will end up feeling a thousand times worse.

And no way would i go to a party where my children are made to feel inferior or not welcome. Just no way.

Your husband is being a selfish dick. They are his family and he can go. As somebody said above you need to change your stance on this from "I dont WANT to go" to "I am NOT going". Why on earth does your husband want to put your children through this?

I am NC with DP's family and he has tried the bullying tactics with me. I have been NC at the way they treat DD, she is overlooked and ignored, MIL hasnt been her for 4 months and they live 2 mins round the corner. If they cant be bothered, neither can I.

I have made it very very clear to DP that I would rather split up than go to any form of party/gathering/meal/Christmas event etc that involves his family and his frankly disgusting sister.

Dont go, be firm and keep your sanity.

There is no fucking way I'd send my kids into that, either.

The only issue here is the treatment your DC will be subjected to if they go. There is absolutely no way I'd put my kids through that. Never, never, never. Absolutely nothing else is important.

If I were put in that situation and my children were treated as you predict they will be, I'm not sure I could ever forgive DH, let alone his shitty family.

Stand firm. You're saving your Dc's from being exposed to toxic behaviour...

It's not even as though PIL want to see the dc. When his a started, months ago, their and for the party did not include children at all - not welcome at any part of it. MIL actually burst ino tears and said dh was ruining the whole thing whenhe said (nicely) we would not be attending as leaving the children elsewhere for 3 days is not an option for us. Remember, MIL has not even met ds yet (he is 2 the weekend of the party).

(Genuinely) nice SIL has since taken over the organising and told MIL to grow up re:children so they are now welcome, although the whole situation does not suit us. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts on how we could potentially make it work, but after any years of organising around the dd's needs, we have thought of them all, and for one reason or another they do not really work.

Now I just need toget dh to see I am NBU to say I won't go, and that the dc won't be going either.

I hope you manage to make him see sense. But quite frankly, if he doesn't it wouldn't make any difference if I were the one making the decision. Stay strong OP

op YOU need to grow some balls.

Have the row if needed. Your children are not wanted there.Your not wanted there. You don't want to go. He won't help you with the kids if you go.

Have the bloody row if needed. Why are you fretting over telling him you don't want to put yourself and kds through it?

Yep, he is clearly in FOG, but let him rock on. Tell him tonight , when the kids are in bed, that you or dc are not going. So if he wants to book a room, fine - but it better be a single as you are not letting him waste the family money. Be prepared for the row. Let him see you mean it.

Stand your ground.

PIL are effectively dictating what's going on in your family. They sound fucking hideous and dh should be ashamed if himself for letting them treat his family like this.

I certainly would STOP trying to reason with him. If he can't see your point by now he never will do. OR he fully understands why and doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

I simply can't believe this.

OP, you seem to be working within the assumption that your DH is a genuinely nice person in a shitty situation, when all I see is someone who, as you say above:

'doesn't mind how many people put themselves out massively (me, my lovely friend - a big ask for someoen to come away for the whole weekend, to basically look after my children (she is single and childless) - potentially our nearby-ish friends, the dc) as long as he gets what he wants.'

Yes.

Bit of a knob, no?

Even more of a knob that you know for a fact that when in the party situation he'll make your DD suffer stress as he'll prioritise everything else over her comfort.

Bloody pathetic when you realise that it's all in an effort to try, try, try even harder to get yet another good old mental kicking from his family, because he's so desperate that he'll lick up any crumb they'll throw him.

You're a more easy going person than me, OP, because with me this wouldn't even have got to the point of whether I would go or not. The question for me would be - why the fuck would YOU, H, even consider wanting to keep in touch with people who not only totally disrespect your wife, children, and your choices, but also make it clear that they despise YOU?

Your H needs a wake-up call. He's got a loving wife, and three beautiful children. If he's not careful, he's going to lose their love and respect as a consequence of sacrificing their wellbeing time and time again to try and get a relationship with a family that simply don't want him.

If he doesn't cop on to that quickly, he's going to end up alone.

Of course you shouldn't go. I'm only astonished that your husband doesn't have more self-respect.

So in short, yes, have the row. Big time. And make sure you point out to him that fucking over the people that actually love you in order to crawl to the ones that don't isn't a very sensible strategy.

Really really hard. I can see dh wanting the r'ship (fantasy) with his family, I can see him desperately wanting his family (you lot) to be part of things. I can see you understanding that about him and wanting to be nice. I can see you not wanting to put yourself or the children through it.

In the end, he is being selfish, because ultimately it is about what he wants (and it IS fantasy), and not about the reality of what it will mean for you and the dc. He needs to face reality, accept it, work with it and go alone. And invite any nice reasonable relations to have a separate r'ship with you all.

Am sort of in similarish sit.

Ok, a slightly different take on the situation. It sounds as though you and DH have a generally good relationship where you love and care for each other. He isn't ready/able to go totally NC with his family and so needs to go to the party. I think that he needs you there to support him and I think that going to this weekend from hell family party has little to do with what is fair and reasonable (in which case of course you wouldn't go) and everything to do with caring for your DH. It's just one of those things that you sometimes do in a long and happy relationship that make no sense objectively, that you would be absolutely justified in not doing, but that you do anyway because it's important to the person you love and care about.

That said, I would absolutely not subject your children to the possibility of being treated badly. So the idea of taking your friend or of arranging childcare in some other way is essential.

I think what you need to do, is change the conversation.

at the moment it's

Panda: "I don't want to go"
Panda's DH: "But we SHOULD go"

and it going round and round in circles

What you need to say is:

"I'm NOT going"

and then the conversation can move forward.

FWIW I don't think you or your children need to be anywhere near these people.

Hully - that is it exactly

which is why I have been reasonable-ish about it all until now. when the dc were tiny, it didn't affect them, so I went along for dh's sake. the last party involvong the dc ended up in a huge row between dh and his parents, partly over the dc. I put my foot down at that point and said they were no longer welcome in my home, as I couldn't trust how they would behave with the dc (who were old enough to now be noticing).

dh is ok - he is not perfect, by any means, but he does his best (don't we all?) and has been royally fucked up by his family. yes, he does go a bit weird when events like this are raised, and does chase the fantasy of a nice family and happy times. I cna't really condemn him for that.

it is hard. he just wants 'one more try - it'll be ok this time'. and I do't htink it will be.

So this is also going to mess up your little ones birthday as well?

Hedwig, he's going to be 2 - he has little notion of birthdays and will be happy as long as he gets cake

I couldn't not go because of that, that would be unreasonable (although I doubt anyone else there would mark the occasion, and it hasn't been mentioned at all )

As a survivor of huge family parties, just dont go. Stop negotiating with your DH. I am not going. The children are not going. You may go.

If he asks for an explanation, just say that you dont want to. And it's not in the children's interests.

Ah. If littlest is 2 that weekend, there's your Excellent Reason right there for doing something else for most of the weekend.

Here's my best shot:
-Take lovely friend up on her offer to help, go to evening do minus children, having first made out Mumsnet Bingo card to tick off snidey remarks and post them here so we can all cheer you on.

-For the next day, organise toddler-and-autism-friendly trip and stick to it.

-If anyone is unexpectedly nice at the evening do, pop back to see them very briefly with children -- cos they'll have remembered your DS's birthday and be longing to give him his presents, right? Being such a close and devoted family and all that?

Tbh panda do you want a solution? What are you going to do as you seem to be going round in circles.

Lots of reasons not to go but still dithering.

Even if you say that this is your last attempt, get your friend to babysit and grin and bear it, that will mean that he will then say, See, it was okay, wasn't it?

It's an impossible situation.

Show him this thread?

Softly, as far as I am concerned I'm not dithering! I keep saying I don't want to go, dh just isn't hearing me. And proposes impractical solutions like he takes dc on his own (even if I could be sure needs were met, I don't really want to put dc into that situation. It'll confuse th if PIL are nice and later drop them, or upset them if they are not nice)

There isn't a solution, apart from a row which will be another nail on the coffin of our marriage. Not sure it can take many more.

X posts. He would say exactly that, Hully, because for him it wouldn't be so bad - nice family catch up, no blatant comments in his hearing (likely), just lots of hard work for me and little to no enjoyment. I don't want to do it anymore.