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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to family party?

201 replies

PandasRock · 22/06/2014 22:22

This could get long, sorry.

I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' Hmm)

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

OP posts:
Chelvis · 23/06/2014 08:08

I think he needs it putting in simple terms -2 potential outcomes. MIL will be unhappy if you don't go to party. You will be unhappy if you do. Who does he want to make unhappy?
And the fantasy sparkly group hug and everyone loving each and nobody upset scenario is not the third option, as is often pointed out to my DH who has an arsehole family ...

bedraggledmumoftwo · 23/06/2014 08:14

Sounds awful. Definitely don't think you should go if it will be you looking after all three. Would your fab friend be able to be invited to the second day to help- if your mil suggested a nanny you could say you are bringing a mothers help. Then between you you could look after the children, leaving early if necessary, and you would have someone to talk to and could avoid the in laws!

alternatively, could dh go alone and just take one or two children- either high functioning middle child or toddler? Despite the shrieking, at least they have all had toddlers, so they cant pity him for it, and they can be adorable when not shrieking or tantruming!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 23/06/2014 08:16

In agreement with Hissy.

He's sad and terrified at losing his family. I don't know what can be done but I am sympathetic there.

deXavia · 23/06/2014 08:16

Does your DH actually want to be back in contact? Just if he has been pretty much NC for a while now then maybe he is regretting that decision (rightly or wrongly)
Also if the last party was 5 years ago I'm assuming the situation was oldest was 3ish, middle one was a around 1? Maybe he just doesn't remember it as that bad - - maybe you remember it as worse?

Either way I think you have to make a decision, stick to it and start working on the plan
i) DH goes by himself - probably easiest and cheapest, but can you ensure you want hold that against him
ii) You all go - and then start working on the logistics, take your friend esp for the black tie do, maybe have plan A and Plan B for the second day one of which involves the kids for a short time, one of which doesn't
iii) none of you go - which is the flip side of i) - can you ensure DH won't hold it against you?

I think you and DH need a very very open discussion about i) and iii) and how the other one will feel longer term.

Mercythompson · 23/06/2014 08:19

It's so hard. Yanbu. If the nanny won't work, and I can totally see why, then it's just really difficult either way. Good luck.

dollius · 23/06/2014 08:26

There is no way you should attend this party. It is just an opportunity for his poisonous family to sling some more shots at you, and will end with you and DC all upset.

DH needs to face up to this and realise it is his job to protect you from this, so I think you need to have that huge row about it. Just say No, you are not going to spend three days with people who have behaved so appallingly to you and your children.

What is your relationship like with the adult step-children?

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2014 09:08

Don't go.

What's the worse that your DH will do? Sulk?

I would write down every reason you have put in this thread and show it to him if he won't listen, but whatever you do, don't go!

Original poster
PandasRock · 23/06/2014 09:19

Hissy, you are right. He is scared of losing his relationship with his family. He is not ready (may never be) to go full no contact. he feels guitly because his parents are old, and if he actually properly calls them out on their behaviour, they will sulk, manipulate, twist it all around. if he stays strong and firm, he is scared he willnot see them again (not exactly ill health, but hardly prime of ife either).

you are partly right re: me and firm boundaries too. I have said all along that I don't want to go. he has breezed through it all sayign it will be fine. if (when) I put my foot down properly, it will cause a row. I don't want that row because things can be rocky enough between us at the best of times - lots of stress over the years means we don't always have the best of relationships.

If I don't put my foot down properly, I will resent it. If I do, he will resent it. No win.

I would not hold him going alone against him at all. I think it is the best solution, and one I have suggested all along. He wants to maintain some form of contact with his family - fine. I don't. And I don't want my children dragged into it (that is the only bit where I sometimes feel that I might be being unreasonable, but I don't htink so overall - his parents are controlling, narcissistic arseholes, who measure people in terms of 'worth' - ie dd1 will never be worth much because she will not go to Oxbridge, or have a high flying job. I don't need my children around that kind of attitude, tbh).

I think dh will go ahead and book the place, leaving em being unreasonable for not going, since the money has been spent, etc etc. we have already talked about ways to try to make it happen - ie I go and sty with the dc at some friends who are relatively nearby, and then pop along with them for part of the second day. This would still be a logistical nightmare, dealing withall 3 dc in a (relatively) strange environment on my own, and the husband of said friends has Altzheimer's, so quite a big deal for them too.

the way I see it currently, dh doesn't mind how many people put themselves out massively (me, my lovely friend - a big ask for someoen to come away for the whole weekend, to basically look after my children (she is single and childless) - potentially our nearby-ish friends, the dc) as long as he gets what he wants. I don't see why he won't just go on his own.

OP posts:
gottasortit · 23/06/2014 09:19

oh dear,
been there, done that.

went to a "family party" against my better judgement, wanting to "please dh" knowing toxic sil and family would be there,

what a mistake, I was 2nd wife, and they didn't like it.(got abusive phone calls the next day....

tell you what....do a sickie....make any excuse you can think of...

don't even contemplate going...

let your dh go, take the dear dc's with him...why put yourself in a stressful situation...for 3 days...

sod it,sod them.

would your dh do it for you?
who knows and who cares,

just don't go for your sanity

Original poster
PandasRock · 23/06/2014 09:21

I don't know whether dh would do it for me - situation can't arise as my parents are dead. and my brother is not in the dark ages about second marriages, and happily accepts my stepchildren as family (as he should). so does my elderly uncle, who is the only other relation I have.

I suspect he would not, in a simialr situation, though he would claim otherwise - easy claim, as it can't be tested.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 23/06/2014 09:26

Your pils aren't the issue, your DH's insistence on getting his own way is. Just don't go.

lljkk · 23/06/2014 09:30

I would be minded to get a babysitter & go as adults but only to just one of the events (just one day) of the 3 day party. I would enjoy loathing certain people there and could tick box that we had participated.

2nd option let the DH go to what parts he wants on his own.

expatinscotland · 23/06/2014 09:32

I remember your other thread.

YANBU.

I'd go right ahead with the row. No fucking way I'd go and I'd tell him that.

YANBU.

Original poster
PandasRock · 23/06/2014 09:33

can't go to just one bit due to distances involved. it's a real pack up and go for the whole weekend affair.

agree dh's insistence on it going his way is an issue. he will say the same about me, if I insist on not going.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/06/2014 09:36

Then let him. He's a royal dick for allowing them to treat you and his kids like this.

expatinscotland · 23/06/2014 09:37

I'd insist on not going.

Bet he already spunked thousands on it.

ChasedByBees · 23/06/2014 09:37

I agree with expat, it sounds like you need to have that row. He's just not listening.

eddielizzard · 23/06/2014 09:38

no. yadnbu.

don't go. i'd tell him now calmly. explain again why. and then don't enter into row or discussion. awful though it sounds, he's not being reasonable. you're absolutely right not to subject your dc's to this.

whois · 23/06/2014 09:43

I'd probably come down with a migraine when you are due to leave. 'No DH, you go and take the children, I don't want you and the DCs to miss the party...'

diddl · 23/06/2014 09:44

Your husband needs to bloody well have the decency to listen to you.

He sounds fucking infuriating!

Sounds as if you have put up for too long.

Chippednailvarnish · 23/06/2014 10:08

He can't make you go. So don't.

APlaceInTheSummer · 23/06/2014 10:09

Neither of you are listening to each other. You don't want to go but your dh does. He wants to take the dc's. You don't. It seems unlikely either of you will be happy with the end result. Lots of compromises have been offered on this thread and tbh you seem quite inflexible. You might think you have good reason to hate your PILs but your dh wants to have a relationship with his wider family so you both have to work out what form that will take or there's going to be a constant cycle of crisis points.

HayDayQueen · 23/06/2014 10:16

Hmmm, I would agree to go, but I would make it clear that the first FIRST instance of rude behaviour from anyone at the party, to your or to your DC, and you will get up and you will march yourself and your DC out of the party and take them away, never to go back.

Imagine the repercussions of THAT happening!!!!!

Remind him of what type of remarks you are talking about - repeating the previous remarks word for word. Would be great if you could pick out examples from each and every get together, so that it is very clear that this is VERY LIKELY to happen again.

So he has a choice - insist that you go and risk an almighty bust up with the family, or let you stay at home and he gets to hide his head in the sand for longer.

dollius · 23/06/2014 10:36

I completely disagree APlace. These are people who are likely to make disparaging remarks to or about OP's DC or her. She needs to protect them from that. I have a lot of experience of desperately trying to make a relationship with my awful parents work, much to my emotional cost and damage.

It is not worth it and it is definitely not wise to put DC in the firing line.

FantasticButtocks · 23/06/2014 10:42

They are his toxic, narcissistic family, not yours.

Therefore it is entirely reasonable for you not to go and for him to go if he wants to. Just because you are his DW, does not oblige you to go to a party you don't want to go to, dragging the children in as well. Why the hell should you?

He may be entrenched in their family behaviour patterns and still want to play his part, but you have the right to decline. And you have the right to protect your dcs.

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