To not want to go to family party?

[PandasRock]

This could get long, sorry.

I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' )

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

Show him this thread.

But Panda what can he do if you refuse to go?
Are you scared of him?

He is hearing you. He is just choosing to ignore you. That's not cool.

Stop explaining. He knows how you feel.

Sorry to hear that you feel it will be the final nail in the coffin, but really is a relationship worth all this stress and resentment?

Good lord no, not scared.

Worried about what it might mean, I suppose. But not scared.

I hate rows, especially over something which seems (to me) to be so clear cut.

Read this and your previous post re this party and the impression of your dh is he looks like he is turning into his mothers son.

I might be getting the wrong impression but what you say in your post re your ILs changing who is the favourite appears to be what your dh is doing at the moment. He has been putting you and the kids first, now he is putting his mothers wishes first and when this is all over you will be grateful to have him back till the next time and he puts his mother/children/first wife's/dads wishes above you and your children.

Might have gotten the wrong end of the stick so feel free to ignore. Just one persons opinion over what has been written

I really don't want to upset you, but I think you need to change what you say to him. Stop saying that you don't want to go - it's a feeling, an opinion, changeable. You need to say that you are not going. It's firm, definite and leaves no room for manoeuvre

I think I remember the first thread. Was there talk of flying in great great aunt 'Hilda' twice removed and a theatre trip too?

Do your DC's have a good relationship with your stepchildren?
If so I would go purely for that reason but as others have said I would take your lovely friend and go to the meal with just DH. Perhaps a quick family coffee with the DC's then home!

He is hearing you. He is just choosing to ignore you. That's not cool.

As you've already said yourself, as long as he gets what he wants...

The first thing to do is tell him you aren't going, and neither are the children. Not that you don't want to. You AREN'T.

If he wants explanations for both decisions, you're more than happy to give them.

Then have the row.

Being worried about what it might mean at this stage is kind of a red herring. It already does mean that, if you see what I mean. What has already happened so far has shown you that he puts these people before you and the children even when they have been unspeakably awful to all of you. What that means is the same thing whether you stay, go, all go, none of you go, just he goes - the truth of the situation is right there.

So you might as well not go and have the row, rather than go, have a terrible time, and then have the row and its aftermath afterwards anyway, possibly with a few other dreadful let-downs from him there to add to the resentment.

That's the one, WildFlowers! Party scaled back somewhat since dh said he wouldn't foot an unspecified bill, but still quite an affair.

Fuckitup - saying 'I won't go' sounds like a petulant child to me! It's the kind of sentence that needs a foot stamp and a 'and ou can't make me!' after it!

Running - I can see why you'd say that, but really don't think it is te case. There is no playing favourites on dh's part. Just someone still desperate for a meaningful relationship with his family, trying to ignore issues and paper over cracks.

Being worried about what it might mean at this stage is kind of a red herring. It already does mean that, if you see what I mean. What has already happened so far has shown you that he puts these people before you and the children even when they have been unspeakably awful to all of you. What that means is the same thing whether you stay, go, all go, none of you go, just he goes - the truth of the situation is right there.

Bruno, yes. I do see what you mean. And you are right. This is where it is my turn to sweep it under the carpet, and ignore it all. Not good, I know.

But there is only so much shit a person can take, and I'm not sure getting into all that is a good idea right now. We have a hard enough life, with the dc's disabilities, as it is. Dh resents (not sure resents is the right word, tbh, more regrets) the changes and implications more than I do - he is not as affected in day to day life as he still goes to work etc. which is partly why he thinks we can forge ahead with this disastrous party. because he doesn't deal with the day to day stuff, and so far I have managed and coped enough for all of us. But I can't do this one.

dc's relationship with stepchildren is good. as is mine. but then, their motheris going to be there too, and if there is a side to be taken, it will be hers.

To clarify my earlier post, I don't think you should put your dc's in a situation that upsets them but a lot of PP have suggested compromises that don't involve taking your dc's to the party.

You say you've attended family parties in the past and you don't want to do it any more. Is there a particular reason why you've reached the end of your tether with it all? I'm not expecting you to answer here but I think it might help you to prepare for your talk with dh if you're clear about what the difference is this time. From your dh's point of view, this is probably an even more important party than the others you've attended since it involves relatives flying in from overseas, etc. He may want your support. (That doesn't mean you have to give it).

I'm guessing if you usually complain about your dh's family but then ultimately attend events then your dh is expecting it to be the same this time. You need to explain to him that it isn't the same and that you will not be going. ( I don't want to go implies you might still go because people often do things they don't want to do. Saying 'I'm not going' is much stronger. )

Look, either you go to the awful party, have an awful time for 3 days and either row or are really sad and upset about your DH forcing you to go.

OR you don't go, don't have an awful time but have to face the music and a row potentially about your and DH's difference of opinion.

Neither option is great - but I vote for the row and refusal to go because at least it is an honest expression of feelings. Going, being miserable and pasting on a smile sounds worse to me.

I thought so, it was so ridiculous it stuck in my mind!

If you don't want to go (and YANBU!) but feel you need to for DH then I would honestly book a nice cottage, take your friend and only attend the formal meal with DH. Other than that I would be having fun at the seaside/park/zoo etc with the DC's and your lovely friend.

I think, APlace, that the final straw comes because number of children = more than number of hands?

You are not being unreasonable Panda and I think you have to take a deep breath and have the row. Bruno is 100% right in her statements with regards to your relationship.

You are not being selfish or difficult and you should not feel that you are. And even without all of the history of vileness, you don't want to go. I don't really hold with adults being told that they have to do things out of a misplaced sense of obligation, life is too short in my view. Your husband is a grown up and can go alone.

Kitties yes I could see that but it could be because the OP is becoming more assertive or she is reappraising the power balance in her relationship. If it's any of those reasons then there are going to be arguments until new boundaries are established. It's not a process that can take place without some arguments and upset, but those arguments are necessary to try to recalibrate the relationship iyswim

I think I've reached the end of my tether because:

more children than I can cope with
less tolerance for the 'aww bless. life must be hard/god only gives you what you can cope with' comments
less tolerance for my life (and dd1's life) being pitied
less tolerance for dh pushing me (and the dcs) to do something we won't really enjoy overall - bits will be fine, but I can't see a major benefit for anyone

relatives are always flying in from overseas - even his brother, who is coming long distance, visits at least once a year, en famille. we have never rated a visit, nor has a meet up been suggested - that's how much he (BIL) cares.

less tolerance of the showy 'oh look, aren't we a perfect family' type party. no, you're not. most of you don't like each other. getting together and all enjoying one evening because everyone is being polite and Not Mentioning The War is not what makes a good family, imo.

I've tried and ptried to make parties like this work, and fun. when the dds were little, it was easie rto keep them entertained and happy (although still stressful for me). now they are bigger, it isn't as simple as sitting them down with cbeebies on an ipad. they aren't as distractible. and won't last a full evening/afternoon of full-on family party, where they barely know anyone except me, dh, and their siblings (who will be busy themselves catching up with cousins/aunts/uncles etc)

I do not want to go along to keep the peace anymore. dh probably, bottom line, thinks I should.

Fuck it OP don't go!! Life is too short and yours sounds stressful enough without all this added drama.

Tell him you are not going and that you don't want to discuss it any more.

Go along with dh and your friend. Attend only the dinner. The next day you, your friend and the dc go to some dc friendly activity and let your dh play nicey nicey with his family.

Gah! Your a Grown woman. Tell him your not going. No foot stamping needed.

The hardest person your battling is the person inside your head.

Be a martyr and go or don't go and save yourself shit.

I'm leaving the thread. Hope you gave a nice time op.

This is a side issue but just picking up on what you say about your DH; it sounds as though he does not spend enough time looking after them to really understand their needs. Do you feel that is the case? That seems to be contributing to the difference of opinions on this.

Looking after the DC I mean.

I don't want to go along to keep the peace any more.
It sounds as though the peace you are worried about is in your own home, between you and your dh.

Look, you started this thread saying you didn't want to go to the party. You still don't want to go to the party. That's your decision and it's one you are entitled to make.

If you're worried about repercussions then yes, there will be some. Your dh is going to be either angry or sad. Your PILs will either not care or be delighted because it gives me them something else to criticise. You can't make decisions without them impacting on someone. You can't make your dh be happy with your decision and you also can't get him to change his mind about his decision to go to the party. As long as you accept those facts, you free yourself to make the decision not to attend.

I don't care what PIL think. I only care about what they do/say if it directly impacts my dc.

I am not trying to get dh to change his decision re: going to the party. I would be very happy for him to go, on his own, and have said all along that is what he should do.

Yes, I am probably more worried about the peace in my own home. I can't change that whatever happens. We seem to be edging ever more towards irreconcilable differences, tbh - this being one of several examples where we have opposing views which have no compromisable solution.

I cannot even begin to contemplate further than that right now.

Stands: yes, it has probably been true. Dh does more these days, though. I just don't trust him not to revert to type when with his family (partly understandable, as he hasn't seen some of them for a couple of years).

They sound an awful family, but they are your DH's family - and even if they don't, as a decent person, it might be worth making another sacrifice - with compromise!!!

I would think of going with friend, you and DH going to the black tie do (I can understand that this would not be appropriate for DC), and then the following day your DH can take one of the DC to the day time event, whilst you and your friend do something nice with the others? Maybe stay for 2/3 nights, so it's not all a rush, and you can have some genuine family time?

And make sure that you have a deal with your DH that as you've done something very nice for him, he owes you bigtime!

Seems fairly straightforward from the outside, but I'm not the one who's had my DC treated badly - I'm sure I'd feel very differently in your shoes.