To not want to go to family party?

[PandasRock]

This could get long, sorry.

I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' )

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

Actually I don't think you really are in a stand off with your H

He is trying to force you to do sometimg you don't want to do, but you are telling him you don't mind if he chooses to go or not

Those positions aren't equal, by saying you are not going you are not trying to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do, but he is trying to force you into something you're unhappy with. He is being selfish and stubborn

I think all you can do now is tell him you've given it considerable thought and you haven decided you're not going, that he is free to go if he chooses and that the discussions about it are over

lainiekazan have you actually read op posts about how they have treated her and dc? But of course she is expected to put up and shut up to make the bloke have his pretend family day out

I think you have to say to him 'The children and I are not going, and that's the end of it. Up to you whether you go or not, but I am not going to discuss it any further.' And any time he mentions it in future, repeat 'The children and I are not going' and walk out of the room if possible. You are in the right BTW in refusing to go and take your DC somewhere full of fuckwits, where they will be unwelcome. Your H is entitled to want to see his family, but not to pressure you to go.

Repeat after me panda

"DH, I am not going. The children are not going. Please go if you want to, i'll support whatever you decide, but I will respectfully decline the 'invitation."

Your language is wrong. You're still saying 'I don't want' and not 'I'm not"

Before we bang on too much about 'he'd rather hurt his dw than his family'...

Please understand that the fear this man is dealing with is not the semi-rational fear of an adult. It's the fear of a small boy, when he first felt the wrath of his dm/df/whoever when he 'failed to please them'

Until one actually faces down that fear, it only grows and gains in power.

Facing that fear head on, alone is paralysingly painful.

Most of it is the fear of fear itself. But you don't realise that until you've done it. As soon you've said 'NO!' the fear is released and you start to regain strength in your own life.

A Black Tie dinner with three young children. Madness. Just don't go. Black Tie dinners are for adults. So either you find childcare or you tell DH in no uncertain terms you are not going. End of. He can't have it both ways - all there en famille but leaving you to look after the kids and take all the looks and snidey judgey comments. You are his wife, you and your children are or should be his priority. He is not putting you first. Being a bit of a Mummy;s boy over this instead of telling DM that if it is a black tie dinner she wants then you lot won't be going.

Hissy, you are right. Which is what makes it so difficult, as he isn't (just) being a selfish arse.

I was no contact with my father, from the age of 19. It really is liberating once you do it, but seems impossible before you do.

Dh isn't ready for full no contact. He may never be. It isn't up to me to drive that forwards, and I will support hi. In seeing his family if he wants to, but I will not be involved. It's not my problem.

I think amothers has it.

Next time he 'agrees' with you and then goes on making plans for you all to go, pull him up on it.

I think you should either get a baby sitter and both go. If this isn't possible then your DP should go on his own. No point whatsoever in taking three small children to this type of event. Especially when it seems they wouldn't even be particularly welcome

vivienne PLEASE rt(f)t? Party is miles aways, over 3 days and the dc have sn. Babysitter idea is a no-go, because it'd upset the dc.

If it were that simple, I doubt this thread would have lasted 5 posts.

Panda you can't change his family, you can't change him.

You can (and must) however make the best decisions for your dc and for you.

You have that right. You understand what he's going through better than he does. Sit him down and tell him your final decision, with respect and love, and tell him that you're there for him. As you know he is for you.

I wouldn't want to go and nor would I.
No way would I want to be around folk who don't like me.
I would be more than happy to let dh go and me stay at home.

That said if I could find a babysitter I'd go just to piss off all my haters. It just sounds like a lot of hard work if you haven't take the children.

Have to take the children I mean.

I come from a family with a toxic parent. I have often wondered how my DB's marriage has stayed intact, with the absolute chaos and havoc this parent causes, between them, other sibling and spouse, the children, and everyone in between - total nightmare! (I am NC with our parent, but close to DB, but he is always waiting for the happy family fantasy thing to kick in, though he stopped trying to persuade me to edge back into the fold many years ago, he is slightly jealous that I have escaped, but does not hold it against me)

The reason their marriage is ok, I believe, is because he no longer obliges his DW to be part of this toxic situation. He no longer subjects his DW to any more than she is willing to do. In fact, he goes out of his way to protect his DW and their DCs from the toxic parent, but maintains contact himself and takes his dcs and every so often withdraws contact for a while when the toxic one says/does anything in front of him and dcs. He tries to manage the situation. But that doesn't include trying to guilt-trip his wife into being a part of it when she doesn't want to. He always puts his wife first.

Your DH needs to stop pretending to himself that you are going to change your mind on this. He needs to stop presenting you with plans and schemes. He needs to let it drop and make his own arrangements to go.

And you need to stop wanting him to think you are reasonable he is too deep into the FOG .

You say that all you have to do now is persuade him YANBU, but really, why bother? What he thinks about your decision isn't up to you, and you can't make him think something different. If he is going to come to the conclusion that YANBU, he will come to it. In his own time, and maybe after the event when a bit of poison has been flung around or tantrums have occurred, he may think thank god Panda isn't here! she made the right decision not to come. You can't control what he feels. Don't try that, because you will be behaving like the rest of them, trying to manipulate and persuade. Just state your case and let him react however he likes. You both need to let the other one feel how they feel.

But you're not going to the party because you don't want to. That should be good enough for him. If he wants to sulk and guilt trip you, wheedle and persuade you, he is actually starting to behave in a similar way to the rest of the family.

Ok.

I have spoken to dh. He told me he was of to book the place he has found, and I told him he shouldn't, as I am not going.

He doesn't like the thought. He still wants us to all go as a family. He said he doesn't want to conveniently airbrush me+dc out of the picture (as some of his family want to), and that he hates the thought that they will all sit there, having sat him next to his dc & ex wife, content that all is once more right with the world (iyswim).

But he did listen. He does understand why I don't want to go. He doesn't like it, and isn't happy (in general, that it has to be this way, rather than Not Happy with me).

He wants to take dd2. I am saying no, as I don't need her subjected to his family. He is not happy that I am effectively shutting off contact between dc and his family. I can understand that, but cannot see any other way forward. I do not want the dc involved in their petty politics and mind games. dd2 is 7, and has ASD. She already doesn't understand interpersonal relationships that well, and I don't think his wider family will do her any favours in this respect.

He wants to go, and tell them all why I am not there - that I do not feel welcome, or even liked and accepted as a DIL/SIL, and so didn't want to come. I am not sure this is a good idea, but if he needs to, then so be it (I reckon it will all just end up with them protesting innocence, and him politely agreeign, or else be an almighty row).

He tried to persuade me his brothers are not as bad as his parents, then spent the next 10 mintues detailing how his older brother behaved badly at the last event (dh's party), which I hadn't noticed too busy downing cocktails - he had to concede that perhaps he was mistaken on that one!

Most of all, I think he wants to prove to his family that however much they thought we wouldn't last, and however much they try to gossip and snipe, possibly to split us up, it hasn't worked and we are together. And he thinks he cannot do this when they are going to happily pretend all is as it always should have been - him, his ex, and their dc, with no sign of me or our dc.

oh, and we talked through going and taking lovely friend, with us going to formal dinner.

the main problem with that is that ds doesn't sleep well anywhere but his own cot . we have taken him away, and he has settled after 10 minutes crying, and we have taken him away and he hasn't settled at all, all night.

not fair on lovely (childless, and a bit hopeless with distressed toddlers) friend to put her through what could be a horrendous evening. also not fair on the dds, as they get very upset too, and having had sleep problems spiral out of control with both of them in the past (took years to recover), we are reluctant to potentially spark them off again. so that option is out, really.

I think you husband makes a really valid point about wanting you not airbrushed out of the family, I'm glad you had that chat and he understands a bit more? However the compromise is a really good one about you two going to formal. I do think now that you are over thinking the sleeping etc of children, it is one night! xxx You definitely do not want to go or compromise, then What are you hoping for? You want hubby to tell you not to come? Is that going to happen? Good luck xx

Sounds great, so I'm assuming your definately not going? Dcs definately not going? But dh is? X

I am definitely not going. dc are not going.

I wish I was overthinking the sleeping thing - it doesn't stop us going away, but jsut at half term the only way to get ds to sleep in a strange cot (also holds for his own travel cot), was to go to sleep, in the same room, at the same time as him. fine. but means I can't leave him with lovely friend, as doubt that would have the same effect I don't care about the amoutn of sleep they all get for one night - they have survived worse in terms of actual sleep - but I do care about knock-on consequences for longer term.

as for the dds' sleeping issues - dd1 started getting distressed going to bed after hearing then toddler dd2 upset one bedtime. it quickly spiralled (dd1 was 4), and it took us 3 years to work all that out, and successfully get the dds to bed without drama lasting hours. bloody autism has a lot to answer for!

it isn't something we would be willing to risk again - lovely friend is fabulous, but she is not us, and couldn't possibly be expected to handle proper problems if they arose.

oh, and yes, dh is going.

Sounds like it's all worked out quite well

Well done.

I totally understand why your dh is saying about not wanting you and the dc airbrushed out, but you're not, only absent.

You have chosen not to attend. You have chosen not to allow your dc to attend. If a person is too toxic for a nt adult, what hope does any child have? NT or SN?

The only way to 'win' with dysfunctional/narcessistic people is to not play at all.

You're better prepared than most to survive their bollocks, but neither your child nor mine was born with that knowledge. Our knowledge was acquired at huge emotional cost to ourselves. A price way too high for our dc to pay.

I predict your H will be reminded what a shower of bastards he's related to and give thanks to god you're not there.

Let him see them for what they are. Well done Panda you did it. You voiced what you wanted, you stood your ground and you got it.

I'm glad you have both had a chance to say how you feel and that you have reached a solution which is best for the majority.

Your husband's reasons for wanting you there seem a lot more caring and considerate than originally appeared and I am glad that you have been left feeling as though his view point was valid and good-hearted, even if it was a little idealistic and rose tinted!

On the one hand I hope he has such an awful time there that it gives him the push he needs to break the cycle of mind games, power plays and emotional blackmail that obviously makes his relationship with his family so difficult. But I can't wish that on anyone, so I am instead hoping that he spends all his time with any nice attendees and his children, but misses you all like crazy and is thrilled to be home when it's all over!

YAY.Good for you.Even if that weirdo family < sorry Mr Panda > were having a gig in the next street,no way would me and my kids go.Good for you.