To not want to go to family party?

[PandasRock]

This could get long, sorry.

I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' )

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

I feel a bit sorry for the dh, and sure as eggs is eggs, some posters are revving up to urge the OP to LTB.

Many, many people don't like their in-laws for one reason or another. But if your husband/wife/partner really wants to go to an occasion, and it's once in a blue moon, then surely you can suck it up? For their sake?

My mother didn't like my father's family's get togethers, because she was rather intimidated by them. They were jolly, county, doggy, horsey people, and dm was mousey bluestocking. Anyway, I always remember various occasions with df sighing and heading off alone. Quite often I went but dm always managed to find an excuse or stubbornly refuse to go.

So, as others have said, it is an expensive pain to go to just the evening do (with friend babysitting), but I think it would be worth it for marital harmony. It wouldn't be "giving in" to a bully, as some posters are implying, but supporting him - and I'm sure he would be appreciative of how much it had cost you and you can wear a halo for at least two years.

I see, so the real problem here OP isn't that you are worried about whether or not to go to party, but about your DH steamrollering you?

Do you feel your feelings are minimised and brushed aside if they don't suit?

You need to talk to him about this ( rather than about the specific party issue which is maybe just a catalyst?)

I am not going to start the LTB business but I do think that this is about the division of childcare between OP and her DH. Not about the PILs per se.

Stands - it has been, in the past, but he really does step,up more now.

I obviously do more, as I am a sahm. Dh gets back for bedtime, maybe 3 nights out of 5 in the week, on average.

Weekends, we split. We both take turns to take either dd to various clubs and activities (we rotate weekly), and the other one does stuff with the other two t home. Dh does bedtimes, generally, at weekends.

I do have more to do with day to day running of their lives, but only because I am with them more.

However, dh with his family is a different thing. Maybe he has changed enough for it to work this time. I am not prepared to trust that, given previous experience.

Option 1: you have the row with your DH, and you and DC do not go to the party.

Option 2: you put up and shut up and go to the party.

Whatever the outcome of option 2 is, it will have most impact on your DC. And, probably a negative impact because no one, ever has taken 2x ASD children and a shrieking toddler to a family party and said "wow, that was fun" - and if you will be coping with them by yourself and your weirdo in-laws and being away for 3 nights - well

I vote option 1.

I get that the OP's dcs have additional needs, but at a rare family event I think the "outlaw" is obliged to do the lion's share of childcare.

I know I would be pissed if at a gathering of my family dh was pulling a cat's bum's mouth and signalling for help. I would be thinking, "Ffs, I haven't seen cousin Brenda for 12 years, and he can't manage for 10 minutes - grrrr"

This is why you can't possibly take the dcs to the black tie do. It is clearly unreasonable of your dh to expect you to ensure A1 behaviour of three children for a long dinner. But I think it would be a decent compromise to attend together without the dcs. You can maintain a rictus grin for a few hours (I know I have).

Ok so if you say that to him, what is his response ? Does he dismiss your concerns, or does he acknowledge that in the past he hasn't done enough to help you when his family were around ?

Cross post - you sound like you are coping, relatively well considering when in reality you're probably like a swan, all calm above the waist but frantically kicking under the water.

If you add in the nightmare that would be this weekend, and then the guaranteed row with DH either way, and the repercussions from PIL/BIL etc either way - are you worried it will tip you over the edge?

which have no compromisable solution
^^ This isn't strictly true. There are solutions available. There are compromises available. This thread is full of them. You don't want to compromise or work to find a solution for both of you, and you seem to think your dh is the same. It's not the situation that is insurmountable, it's your attitudes and the way you currently communicate with each other. Have you tried couples' counselling?

As hamptoncourt said it seems as though the party may just be the catalyst. You can choose to make it a crisis point or you can tease out your other issues without clouding them with references to parties, PILs, etc. tbh it sounds as though this party has been blown out of all proportion if you really think it will cause an argument that could cost you your marriage.

oops - massive xpost - sorry!

Oh, I could have started divorce over a teabag when afflicted by shrieking toddler, inlaws, desperate urge to do Normal Family Stuff, and upset autistic child simultaneously.

Sometimes it's hard to keep the impression of sanity going.

(No, we never tried couples' counselling. Too hard to get the babysitters for the above...)

Panda, you can absolutely say "I am NOT going, and neither are the DC' without it meaning LTB.

The fear that is felt here is terrifying, so expect him to kick off, but that really is HIS issue, not yours.

You have to state that it WILL be a disaster for YOU, personally, and added to this YOUR DC will be upset, affected and will come off all the worse for having been dragged there.

The bottom line is that fundamentally YOU and the DC are not welcome there, and that is why you won't go. If he chooses to associate with people who have treated him badly, his DW badly and his children badly that is HIS decision, and another matter entirely, but you have made your decision about yourself and your DC.

IT WILL BE OK. You are making an informed decision based on the best scenario for everyone. It's really up to him what he does.

There may very well be fallout, but there would be fallout anyway, except that your DC will be right in the middle, hearing all sorts said about them and about you. Undesirable, unacceptable.

He is going to be so upset when his idealistic view of how the party weekend should go doesn't materialise. He'd be more relaxed if you weren't there, if the children misbehave you will be judged, not him. Why put yourself through it? I would only go if the friend went to babysit, and I would march over to any person who I didn't know and make friends with them, and avoid all members of the family as much as possible. It sounds awful. However - occasionally I have dreaded events like that, forced myself to go and found that I have quite enjoyed them.

My sister's Ex forced her to come with us to a dinner she didn't want to attend (so asked us to come for moral support) with his business. She brought a baby sitter. They didn't even make it to the meal, my nephew jumped off a radiator in his room playing Tarzan and hit his head on a coffee table. They spent the night in casualty.

It backfired, though. The following year he asked a secretary to be his dinner partner. Be warned... I know it's not the same thing, but men do sometimes think that their wives don't make enough effort to brush the offspring under the carpet and pretend they don't exist on occasion.

If you go, and it goes badly, which everyone (including your DH) knows, there will be fallout, your DC will be hurt. you will be hurt, your relationship will be strained, and resentment may creep in, which does have a habit of eating away at a marriage. That's the real risk.

If you don't go, knowing that he understands that it's neither realistically feasible nor desirable to put you and your DC through this, will help. He can see that right?

He must balance his fear of them vs his fear of ongoing future fallout at home. None of this refusal to go but that it is in no way any reflection on him as a DH or a Father, if he can see this then you have a chance of getting your marriage through this.

ultimately he does need counselling to deal with the toxicity of his family, so that he can prevent the same happening in the future to his own DC.

You have to be strong. HE has to be strong. It WILL be ok, for the pair of you. the FEAR of families like this is irrational, it's not actually going to kick off as big as you think it's going to. And if it does, then there are harassment and police procedures for that.

This is a horrid situation, but not insurmountable. Your H is terrified of them, that fear is excruciating. he is less scared of you, so therefore will stand up to you more readily than he will his family. If you can support him, tell him you know a little of what he's feeling, but that he has to place his fear of them aside and focus on what the party means to his DC and you.

He simply needs to say, we looked at all the arrangements required, the cost, the babysitters/nannies/travel/accommodation and it was immediately apparent that it just wouldn't work at all on any level, so we made the decision not to come/just for me to attend.

then a short version, 'it just wasn't feasible, Panda and the DC send their love though'
over and over again

You are all being very helpful, thank you.

Stands: if I tell him that, he will probably acknowledge the truth re:past situations, dismiss current worries and minimise - tell me he'll do more this time. He might, he might not. It's a big risk, and one I don't want to take.

Mono: yes, I am totally a swan, serene and calm, and beautiful . You're right - it's all fine whe it is working. But it takes the tiniest thing for everything to start unravelling. And then it can spiral very quickly.

Aplace: you are right. There are compromises available. I am not sure they are worth the effort, and I am not sure dh would front up and come good with his compromises. Of course a row over this alone would not end our marriage. Does one thing ever? It's just another step along the way, potentially. Yes, we have tried couples counselling. It took months to get a place, by which time, ds had made his presence felt ( surprise dc 3, totally unplanned since we were at make-or-break point) and dh just said what he felt was needed in the sessions. I was too knackered and hormonal to disagree. And since then we have had a newborn, moved house, carried on with the autism stuff, defended dd1's school place, chased and got dd2's dx and started getting dd2's school to deal with some of her issues. And here we are now. With those issues of old unresolved, but papered over and life moves on. It's not brilliant, but it's not awful. And we all get by. Until a big thing like this. And just about any big thing brings up a load of other stuff, since it mostly hasn't been dealt with. But childcare, and dh's working hours pretty much means it will remain largely I dealt with unless it all blows up. Which it could do over this.

Hissy: what you say makes sense. I will practise saying it over and over. I really do not want to go, and put up with it all once more.

OP You totally have every right to refuse to go. I do however think his family will be counting on your not being there though and the devil in me would want to frustrate that and be there all smiles and charm. Personally if I could afford it, I would favour the option of all family going together with your friend and as previously suggested you and DP attending the formal dinner and then you and friend finding something fun to entertain the the DC's the next day. An appearance is all thats needed, its unfortunate its so far away, but if you can fulfil this obligation, look divine and show them you and DP are a united front for one evening it may also help him stand up to the way they treat him. You don't have to be there for all of it and finding a treat for you and the little ones to share may be long remembered by them.
I totally understand how demoralising it can be to be around people who don't want you there but there is some satisfaction to be gained by turning up and seeing the looks on their faces.

Hissy your last 2 posts are practically spot on. I must say, there is no chance of this kicking off big style requiring restraining orders etc. more likely, dh's family freeze him out and his mum guilt trips him with very occasional phone calls about ill health. He is terrified of them not bothering with him, though. And ultimately less terrified of me.

I do front up for reasonable occasions btw. We have dinner
After this week with his boss and wife. I could live without going , bit the babysitter is booked! and I will doll up and attend! and it will be fine. It's not as though I always say no, to everything. Just the intolerable things.

Another idea.

Make it much less of a big deal, simply say, dear lord it will be horrific and all end badly, none of us want that so I'd love you to go and have fun with them all, and we can see them another time in a more manageable way. Win win.

Apologies for horrific typos in last post. Ds was keen to help with the typing (clearly needs more lessons on punctuation, though

Hully, I've tried that. He listens, agrees it might be horrendous for us all, agree with why I don't want to go, then carries on making arrangements for us all to go. I would love him to go. Genuinely. And he will enjoy it.

He is stuck on us going as a family. Partly as a reaction to MIL's earlier edicts that children weren't welcome, I think. Partly because he wants them all to see how fab our dc are (there goes that fantasy again!). He is set on finding the magic solution. There isn't one. I don't want to go, and I don't want the dc near any of them.

I'd go if we had trustworthy care for the kids at home. Stand by my man and all that jazz. But otherwise...I would stay home...and not watch sports.

I can't leave the dc at home for 3 days with someone else. It just doesn't happen.

Maybe I should give more consideration to going to taking lovely friend along and going to the black tie bit, and a day out with the dc the next day. I just think we could have an easier lovely day out nearer home. But maybe I am letting my dislike cloud my judgement on that one. It seems like a lot of faff to go to the zoo, or similar though. Will think on that.

Pandas it is a horrible situation but the idea of taking lovely friend then having a day out sounds like a reasonable compromise. Would your dh accept this?

It really sounds like he has a complete fiction in his head that you will all turn up wearing your best outfits and everyone will see how beautiful his children are and go ooh and aah. By refusing to go you are ruining his dream. If you reach a compromise and his family are the ones to fuck it up then it will be them, not you, ruining the dream, so long as he does notice.

You won't be exposing your kids to those people and will only have to put up with them for one evening. Is there somewhere nearby that would be a great day out for your kids? So you can actually look forward to it and they will be happy.

It could be an interesting trip home if dh heard how much fun try had without him while he was stuck with his mum for the day.

But that's the sacrifice you'd be making for your DH Panda. Of course, you'd enjoy a weekend at home more, but you'd be the hero for making it work, and you could presumably still palm off DH with one of the DC on the Sunday, so he can have his 'wonderful child' moment!

And you tell him what you want in return!!!

Panda I think you have hit the real kernel of this issue though.

It is that DH would rather upset you than upset his DM/family of origin.

That is the real problem that needs to be addressed.