Not to want to see my MIL every week?

[Grumpalot]

MIL lives in a different town, day-trippable from us. DD is 2 months old. DH would like me to have MIL here one day a week, while he is a work, so that she can develop a relationship with DD and with me. I am more comfortable with seeing her about once every month, and prefer DH to be here too. I'm quite a private person, am enjoying my maternity leave with DD, and don't particularly want to spend one day out of seven with any one person, let alone DH's mother. No particular bad feeling between us, but she does irritate me (and I her, I am sure) and I find her quite intrusive. Currently see her about once a fortnight, which I'm happy to do for DH but personally find that quite a lot of contact. She and DH also have usually daily contact by phone. FWIW, we see my family about once a month also.

DH wants her to be here with me and DD once a week, and thinks I should just have her over to tag along with whatever I happen to be doing that day. His grandparents saw him twice a week growing up. My view is that:

a) His GPs were his mother's parents, not in laws, and it's a different matter to ask me to spend time with my MIL on my own every week.
b) Regardless, just because that worked for his family when he was little, that does not mean it is normal.
c) Regardless of how normal it may be, if I am uncomfortable with spending so much time with someone, I shouldn't have to, even if that means I am more anti-social than your average person.
d) DD can grow up with a perfectly good and loving relationship with her grandmother without seeing her every week.
e) DH's mother should visit when he is here to see her. I wouldn't ask him to spend time with my mother without me!

I'm fed up with arguing about this with DH. So, AIBU or is DH BU for pressurising me?

YANBU. It is his responsibility to nurture his mothers relationship with his daughter, not yours and you should not have to babysit her once a week along with your dd.

My DH was very close to his GP's - its a big regret he has that because of distance our kids don't have a similar relationship. I have a good but "normal" relationship with mine so I didn't really understand his point when the DC were very young. So if your DH grew up very close to his GP's don't underestimate how emotional the GP relationship is for him.

Having said all that it should be about compromise so its not just his views but also what you are comfortable with - and anyway 2 months is just too young to set anything in stone, likely weekly visits.

It really shouldn't be about your parent's and his parent's - both sets are DD's grandparents - and so whilst you could argue he should be the main one to nurture that relationship the reality is he's at work and you're at home. So that limits the opportunity for him to set up contact. Imagine if he said OK every Saturday I take DD to go see my parent's - that would really eat into your weekend and joint family time. And if you were working 5 days a week and he was at home - would you honestly not asking him to spend time alone with your family so they could see DD (your point e)? Finally presumably you will go back to work at some point and then you'll need to juggle both sets of grandparents into your weekends.

All of which is why nothing should be set in stone. I'd be very clear that no precedence is being set and then agree to some time when MIL comes to see you really just DD but lets pretend its you too when it is convenient to you so you need to be the one to suggest times. It doesn't have to be every week but equally you probably have to concede some time is without your DH being there.

IT's not "normal" in any family I've known to have to spend a day with your MIL every week. That would drive me bats, btw.

At this stage in the game the baby it's not really going to make that much difference, IMO - the real bonding with the grandchidren comes later, when they can size you up better. DS1 saw his grandmother for the first 5w of his life (so wouldn't have had a clue, really), for 2w at 10mo and then we moved to Australia when DS1 was 20mo, stayed at MIL's house for 6w and then she came over to our house almost every sodding day for the next few weeks until I got the complete arse and said to DH that I'd Had Enough and she needed to cut it down to no more than twice a week. She lives 15 mins away, so not a daytrip issue.

Look, while you're on maternity leave, your time is for you and your baby. Your MIL can just wait until the baby is bigger and your DH can stop his whining.

Growing up I saw my maternal grandparents and my paternal grandmother (no grandad- he died before I was born) every week. But often only with the parent that they "belonged to" IYSWIM. My mum would pop in on grandparents with us after school or on a free afternoon and my dad and I and my sister would go and pop in on his mum on a Saturday morning while my mum did something else (or something more fun to be more accurate!! )

So I don't think you're unreasonable at all- it would be awful to spend all day once a week with your MIL. I wouldn't do it and would laugh if DH asked me to, to be honest. My MIL is a pain in the arse and I would hate to have to be alone with her for longer than about 5 mins. It would be different if you two were close but you clearly aren't.

Thanks both!

deXavia: no, I honestly wouldn't expect him to see my parents without me, even if he were the SAHP. I would expect to see them for the occasional weekend, or take the odd day off here and there to see them. That would seem normal to me.

You make some very reasonable points though, and of course it is about compromise. It's just so difficult suddenly being expected to spend one to one time with someone I'm not that close to. It will be easier when DD is older, as the visits will be more Granny/DD time than me/MIL time.

The point about setting a precedent is important - that's one of the things I worry about. If I agree to weekly visits now, I think I'll be setting myself up for a lifetime of "Wednesday is Granny's day to visit", and I really don't want that sort of rigidity.

Hmm, for the sake of marital harmony I probably am going to have to spend more time with her though, aren't I? (I really thought once a fortnight was a lot!)

OK, feeling slightly less evil now that more people are saying they wouldn't want a day a week with MIL either. Phew!

I think YANBU.

I wouldn't want to spend one day a week with my MIL, especially on my own (and this has been suggested by DH and vetoed by me!). Like you, there is no bad feeling, I actually like her even though she is a little eccentric but I would just feel I would be spending the day babysitting her rather than getting on with attending to DD. We do seem to have quite different ideas on childcare too (luckily DH and I are on the same wavelength about this) so I think spending that amount of time with her would possibly cause friction anyway.

somedizzywhore: You're right, we're not close. That's one of DH's arguments. He wants me to have a closer relationship with her, and thinks spending more time with her will help that. I tend to think it will have the opposite effect and frankly resent his desire for me to think of her as a second mother

OMG, he's cracked if he thinks forcing you to spend this amount of time with her at this point in your life is going to help. Cracked! Sorry, that is so counterproductive it's not funny.
If that's really what he thinks then I think you should counter it with "spending that much forced time with your mother is far more likely to make me resent the hell out of her, I certainly don't need a "second mother" thank you, and you pushing this is just going to make it All Much Worse."

I think you are being a little unreasonable. Once a month isn't very often and would be nicer to see more often.
I see mine a couple of times a week usually. Dd1 went to them 3 days a week while I was back at work and now on maternity again they still see us all a couple of times a week. Sometimes they have them while I do errands or other stuff. Or I hang out at theirs too. They try and find new ways to lure us over all the time! We all get on and I don't find them overbearing. They just love their grandchildren and want to be involved as much as possible.

I dont think YABU and if you are forced into this situation it will cause you resentment. It would be much more sensible to leave this, as others suggest, until your DD is older and able to interact with your MIL.

I notice that you are on maternity leave, surely a weekly visit will be a temporary thing until you are back at work?

Could you do a compromise? perhaps meeting up with MiL once a fortnight? not a regular day and not a regular pattern either. Perhaps it would be easier if you 'did' something with your MiL, rather than she just comes round to your house? what does she do? does she just sit there?
Could DH take your PFB round to see them once a fortnight too without you?

It's lovely that your PRB has so many people who love her :)

YANBU. A weekly commitment sounds horribly stiffling, anf far more likely to cause problems than solve them.

We see my family (and ILs) intermittently, no real structure. It probably works out 4-6 weeks, but there'll be flurries where we'll see eachother more often (twice this month so far). DS is bonding with his family. He's been quite a reserved toddler and not very communicative, and his willingness to bond has been based on him being ready, not frequency of visits. I say that because in recent months, he's relaxed around people he sees weekly, so lack of familiarity wasn't the problem.

We do currently see her about once a fortnight, and at least a couple of hours of that time are usually without DH as he is at work. We saw her yesterday, and I suggested a picnic in the park, but DH told me it was weird not to have her here at the house...Apparently suggesting an outdoor visit is unwelcoming.

It really gets me down that even seeing her twice a month (more than I feel a need to see her), DH still puts pressure on for weekly visits.

Yes, on maternity leave so not sure what would happen to the visits once I'm back at work. DH's preference is for MIL to look after DD two days a week, meaning she would stay overnight one night every week. I REALLY do not want that.

Personally I think YABU, I am on mat leave and I see MIL every week sometimes twice. I love spending time with her, she loves bonding with DS and it gives me a welcome break.

Thumbwitch: I might cut and paste your response and email it to DH, with a PS "See? It's not just me who thinks this is a bad idea!"

Thanks also to those who are saying i am being unreasonable. It is useful to know what other people think is normal.

Honestly, I think it would be different if I really enjoyed her company. But I don't really, and it seems like a lot to ask me to share a day a week with her.

F that for a monkey's uncle i'd be freaking out if my MIL turned up more than once a year for Christmas that's all she's allowed now because he belongs to me no one,unless you have those awesome PIL's most of us dream of that love you and bring gifts and make dinner etc when they visit,wants their MIL visiting more than once a month at the most if she wants to see her PGC she can move closer to you and babysit at her house while you have a little me time or she can do one IMHO as you can tell i dont rate in laws or their clinginess to much

Oh god yes you don't want Wednesday to be 'Granny's' day but then I'd worry if it's that important to your DH Saturdays will become 'Granny's' day and frankly that would piss me off more than putting up with someone I didn't really like.
I guess that's why I went down a compromise path - so one week it's just for a coffee Tuesday morning, next week you can do Thursday after the babies nap.... If you see what I mean. Gives you flexibility to miss the odd week too

Having said that your DH is abit deluded if he thinks she'll be your second mum! I count mine as a vaguely annoying colleague who I have to work with on a regular basis!

Seriously the baby is 2 months old - keep it as loose as is possible, and it's very hard for anyone to argue with that.

Chottie: can't really let DH take daughter round without me at moment because of breastfeeding. Once she's older, sure. Yes, I think I would find it easier if we had a focus for the visits, a trip somewhere, that sort of thing. It would feel less like I was having to host her every week.

I notice you refer to my DD as PFB, which I suppose she is...I wonder if that has an effect on my view of the situation? If I had 2 or 3 children I might be so frazzled I would welcome a visit from anyone any day of the week if it allowed me to go to the loo on my own or drink a cup of tea.

Actually, she's more of a PFGC than a PFB

You'd be more than welcome to, Grumpalot!

I'm going to be the odd one out and say I'd really enjoy it. My in laws live about 5 hours drive away so we don't see them that often.

I adore my in laws and wish we saw them more.

But I imagine if you don't like them it's a different matter.

your dh sounds a bit barmy, especially suggesting your dd stays overnight to facilitate childcare. Does your MIl have transport? If so I would tell your dh that you will offer an opportunity to see your dd once a fortnight - either by visiting her or arranging to go somewhere together with dd. If MIL wants to see her other than that time, she should do so at weekend with your dh or maybe by coming over to babysit for a couple of hours in evening or maybe during week by arrangement.

Id tell him you want once a month, he wants once a week - so once a fortnight is an excellent compromise. I think that's reasonable - and the visits can be shorter, and include weekends.

From someone who was forced into spending time with my in law (Bil as both pil have passed) when my second child was born and throughout her first 18 months I would say YANBU and I had what I thought was a reletively good relationship with him.

It caused huge resentment from my side, I begged my partner to give me some space from him (admittedly he did used to turn up unannounced to me virtually every week or at least every other to stay for days on end, he invited himself to every activity we planned or booked as a family-even on visits to my own family!! And he invited himself on our first holiday too).
It was a factor in me having the most awful post natal depression (counsellor said because I had no control over my own life anymore) and it didn't just cause resentment on my side, but huge resentment on his when I finally stood up to my dp and said 'enough I can't cope anymore with him being forced onto me'. As it stands at this moment in time he hates me for being controlling (asking for him to have some common courtesy and check before visiting), doesn't want me around when he visits our children and isn't speaking to dp cos dp won't do as he wants-and the fallout of me stopping his unannounced visits has lasted 2 years so far. (There is a huge backstory not really relevant to this thread about him being controlling and highly manipulative of my dh and also of him thinking he is the joint parent with dp-making him think he has more say over my children then me!). It brought me and dp to near splitting lots of times.

Obviously I'm assuming your mil is quite 'normal' compared to my il but IMO no relationship that is forced onto you unnaturally will be a good one, if you don't feel comfortable with it then you have the right to say no as it will cause a huge resentment otherwise. I would see if there is a compromise that you can think of what you would be comfortable with (meeting for a couple of hours once a fortnight for a coffee perhaps? Or the odd lunch here and there? Invite her for dinner now and again?) but if you don't feel comfy with having a relationship without your dh present then it is a bit unreasonable of your dp to try and force the situation onto you imo.