Not to want to see my MIL every week?

[Grumpalot]

MIL lives in a different town, day-trippable from us. DD is 2 months old. DH would like me to have MIL here one day a week, while he is a work, so that she can develop a relationship with DD and with me. I am more comfortable with seeing her about once every month, and prefer DH to be here too. I'm quite a private person, am enjoying my maternity leave with DD, and don't particularly want to spend one day out of seven with any one person, let alone DH's mother. No particular bad feeling between us, but she does irritate me (and I her, I am sure) and I find her quite intrusive. Currently see her about once a fortnight, which I'm happy to do for DH but personally find that quite a lot of contact. She and DH also have usually daily contact by phone. FWIW, we see my family about once a month also.

DH wants her to be here with me and DD once a week, and thinks I should just have her over to tag along with whatever I happen to be doing that day. His grandparents saw him twice a week growing up. My view is that:

a) His GPs were his mother's parents, not in laws, and it's a different matter to ask me to spend time with my MIL on my own every week.
b) Regardless, just because that worked for his family when he was little, that does not mean it is normal.
c) Regardless of how normal it may be, if I am uncomfortable with spending so much time with someone, I shouldn't have to, even if that means I am more anti-social than your average person.
d) DD can grow up with a perfectly good and loving relationship with her grandmother without seeing her every week.
e) DH's mother should visit when he is here to see her. I wouldn't ask him to spend time with my mother without me!

I'm fed up with arguing about this with DH. So, AIBU or is DH BU for pressurising me?

merry is right. Op your feelings are important. See your mil once a week and let dh take baby between feeds to see her more often- if she really wants this.

I meant once a month lol! Sorry.

My DH tried to do the same to me ( mainly becausec he didn't want to spend his sodding time with them)

I explained it as they are not my friends, I wouldn't choose to spend my time with them socially, therefore I wouldn't spend my mat leave with them ( I would get both in laws) One day a week is a big percentage of your time!
Mine would just drop in several times a week, pretty much ignore me and try to dominate the baby. I put a stop to it very early on. I just couldn't relax knowing they could turn up at any min. I tried saying we were going out if they arrived but they would barge in anyway. In the end I made DH explain it to them. They hate me but I'm happy. My priority is being happy.

Btw I felt the same about number two and three, I just didn't want to host them.

It is sad to be like OP and rather have a DH without a family, or grudgingly think her DC should have a grandmother but she would rather not get involved and certainly never without her DH.
I prefer the relaxed, open house way. When I married I got his parents, siblings, cousins etc etc and he got mine. I can't imagine us being in a bubble with 'his' and 'hers' in the way of relatives and friends.
I would however avoid set days.

I do think it's hard for mils with sons. I think for some it's hard to except they are not queen bee in theirs sons life anymore.

They day I met my very hostile mil she told me bizarrely that she would always be number one in her boys life.

Oh how she was wrong.

My exmil however is luffly and I still see her lots. She is a great friend.

It is difficult to balance everyone's "needs and wants" but do remember not to sacrifice your own happiness to please others.... In this case your hubby and mil!

I think it's a cheek that he wants to force a relationship that just isn't there.... And on his terms too!!! Tell him it's just not going to happen like that so let's discuss other options. Unfortunately that's just how it is.

2 months in you both (you and dc) need your own space to bond and enjoy IMO.... Mil desires are secondary

A definite mix of meeting places, your dh taking his turn with granny and it all being on your terms sounds reasonable to me

Delphiniumsblue, that was what worked for you. Some of us are introverts and would rather cut our own legs off with a spoon than have an open house, whether our own relatives or our partners' (in fact I find my mother much more difficult as a house guest than DH's!).

I prefer the relaxed, open house way

Hell no!! Dp mob tried this and still do. I don't like unannounced visitors.I like privacy in my home.

DH told me it was weird not to have her here at the house...Apparently suggesting an outdoor visit is unwelcoming

DH's preference is for MIL to look after DD two days a week, meaning she would stay overnight one night every week

He's starting to sound like the overbearing one. Imposing these opinions on you is stifling and inconsiderate.

Agree that I too couldn't bear to commit a whole day a week to seeing anyone, let alone MIL. Why does it need to be a full day anyway? I think a few hours 1-2 times a fortnight is healthier for everyone than intense, day-long sojourns in each-others company.

My ILs live a few hours' drive away and while that's a blessing in some ways, I think now with the Prulet on the way it'd be easier if they were in the next town, so more frequent, shorter and less intense visits were possible. You have that luxury.

The obvious solution to me is for her to visit your home every fortnight or so, then every other week you meet up with her outside the home for a few hours somewhere. It's easier to get into this habit now while the weather is fine and there's less pressure to find indoor activities on those days. You're DH is being a loon if he thinks this sounds 'unwelcoming'.

Yanbu. I wouldn't want to do this either.

We are expecting our first and I have said that he needs to be here when his mum comes to visit (she lives in Ireland so will be staying with us). He suggested her coming for a week after the baby is born. Hell no! A weekend only, when he's here. I would not expect him to entertain my parents when I'm not there.

I agree with dollius - I have a son and no way would expect to do this however is there any way you could invite her once a fortnight and use the time to do something for yourself - even if it is just having a nap with a good book . Or could she come over and do the ironing?

Softly - I don't expect to be the 'queen bee' in anyone else's life . But I know what you mean, some mothers are incredibly precious about their grown up sons thinking of my first MIL.

I suppose it only works if they are reasonable people too! I do expect prior warning- but can't stand formality, and set timetables. In OP case I would be inclined to phone up and say 'we are going swimming on Tuesday- do you want to come and have some lunch afterwards?' Or similar.

Something like swimming you have help with the changing and can actually get a swim yourself.

I don't think it's at all sad to be like the OP! The OP Is Not You, Delphinium - her ILs are Not Your ILs. Do get over this idea that everyone is, or should be, the same as you and yours.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to not want to have her round every week, it's really your dh's job to build that relationship not you. He sounds quite controlling tbh, telling you how to behave, how often you should see her, where etc etc. Nip it in the bud now, he shouldn't think he can dictate to you like this.

My dh takes our DS round to the in laws most weeks, I go every six months, if that. I used to go every Sunday with them but I started to resent it so I stopped.

My mil is insanely precious about her son. I do empathise with the op.

Once baby is weaned off the boob and not so reliant upon mum, dh can take over and take baby to see his mum more if that's what they want? I mean no, it's not imperitive for a gparent to see their grandchild, but it's nice of that's what everyone wants? That way op can have a break too! :)

I would rather never see my mil tbh , but for my daughters sake I like her to see her once a week as I know what it's like to not have grandparents and I don't want that for her. I don't have to see mil , dh takes dd.

I would want my own mother to see dd at least once a week, so I respect dh and MIlS wishes to see her. Maybe I am too soft still? I just think it's nice to be nice.

That's me told!
Agreed- but I prefer my way, so do find it sad. However we are all different.

Oh OP I think you and your DH need to have a very honest chat. He's expecting things from you that do not fall in with your "private" nature.

If it was me (I know you might find this horrendous!) if DH was making a big deal over it I would say that one afternoon a week MIL could come over. I'd BF baby and pop out to get things for the tea from the shop leaving baby for an hour at home with MIL. Then get home (BF if baby needs it) and then get on with cooking while MIL is out the way being a big help watching baby for you. DH comes home. You eat food. MIL leaves.

She's had a few hours with the baby, a meal with you and DH and you've made her feel like she's been a big help.

Is that doable?

Agree 100% with koalaface.

But I am going to add if you don't back down when dd is older dh will take her one day a week to see mil which will mean you lose one of your two precious weekend days. Personally knowing that I would suck it up and instead of moaning use her visits to get on top of things while dd is entertained by grandma.

YANBU OP. This would drive me mad too. My mil tried the dropping in thing and was put out if I wasn't thrilled to see her. I had to keep going out until she got the message.

DH though understood that she was his mother and it was his job to take DS over if mil wanted to see her. However since DH is a lazy bugger she didn't get as much time as she would like.

Put your foot down now, as it is much harder to stop something once you've started it.

Yanbu. I think fortnightly visits alternating between weekday with just you and a weekend day with dh as well is the good compromise. Otherwise when will dh see his dm? At the weekend with you when you've already seen her during the week.

Shorter visits are the way to go. No need for it to be the whole day and it's more likely to get strained then. Plan to go somewhere and get her to meet you there at 2pm, then back to yours for tea, and DH can come home early from work that night to help.

Isn't it his job to see his mum with the baby?
We do pil visits together and are here together when they visit here.
My pil stories are mumsnet legend but I've had a happier dh since I drew a line in the sand and started to get on with them. They love our dds and they love them too.
I'm a mil as well and get in really well with my dils so see my gc often, we are more like friends/co parents as I have a 3 yr old too so have lots in common.
I feel a bit sorry for this mil as her son is turning her into a chore or obligation. It's lovely seeing your child's child I'm sure she only wants to get to know her it's her son who is making it an appointment.

Another thing is that in time you will be glad of someone to help.
We have been to a festivak this year while pil babysat and we may even have a weekend away in the autumn.
Couldn't do that without the dds getting to know pil.

I have two boys. I hope when they have partners or families of their own I'd be able to see them more than 12 times a year.

When MiL lived closer, we saw her a few times a week and she had the boys for a day at the weekend. It wasn't fixed, if they had a party or something on Sat she had them Sun and vice versa.

She decided to move back to the UK and I miss the relationship they won't have with extended family. We Skype, and write, and phone - but they loved Nana's house and visiting.

Even when we were in the uk I often drove 2+h to spend the day with her on mat leave so she could see her grandsons (she wasn't able to drive long distance).

I didn't particularly like her, she wasn't a friend and definitely not a second mother! But she is DH's mother and my boys' Nana and I don't feel I have a right to stand in the way of that.

Could you meet up once a fortnight? Picnic / day trip / zoo visit type meet ups for a few hours rather than having her to your home all the time? I'm sure she would love to feel involved and I disagree with your DH that outside meetings aren't welcoming, I think she'd love to feel included/invited. Plus if you're outside your home you may find it easier to cope with and even enjoy it?