Not to want to see my MIL every week?

[Grumpalot]

MIL lives in a different town, day-trippable from us. DD is 2 months old. DH would like me to have MIL here one day a week, while he is a work, so that she can develop a relationship with DD and with me. I am more comfortable with seeing her about once every month, and prefer DH to be here too. I'm quite a private person, am enjoying my maternity leave with DD, and don't particularly want to spend one day out of seven with any one person, let alone DH's mother. No particular bad feeling between us, but she does irritate me (and I her, I am sure) and I find her quite intrusive. Currently see her about once a fortnight, which I'm happy to do for DH but personally find that quite a lot of contact. She and DH also have usually daily contact by phone. FWIW, we see my family about once a month also.

DH wants her to be here with me and DD once a week, and thinks I should just have her over to tag along with whatever I happen to be doing that day. His grandparents saw him twice a week growing up. My view is that:

a) His GPs were his mother's parents, not in laws, and it's a different matter to ask me to spend time with my MIL on my own every week.
b) Regardless, just because that worked for his family when he was little, that does not mean it is normal.
c) Regardless of how normal it may be, if I am uncomfortable with spending so much time with someone, I shouldn't have to, even if that means I am more anti-social than your average person.
d) DD can grow up with a perfectly good and loving relationship with her grandmother without seeing her every week.
e) DH's mother should visit when he is here to see her. I wouldn't ask him to spend time with my mother without me!

I'm fed up with arguing about this with DH. So, AIBU or is DH BU for pressurising me?

(Should add that she didn't particularly like me either! Not sure she understands me, or her son. But she adores her dgc and that's all that mattered)

At 2mo your baby isn't doing much so imagine visits are quite hard work if you don't have lots to talk about.
I really like my mil but couldn't make small talk with her for hours. Once the lo is all over the place like my 9mo old there's no time for small talk and it's much more about mil interacting with the lo. You can leave the room and do stuff which is a blessing at this stage.

If she is having to spend the whole day with you due to distance then definitely yanbu! I see mine for an hour tops each week but only because they moved locally against our express wishes and they take dd1 for a couple of hours. Up until then i had been very clear with dh that neither of us should have to spend time alone with the others parents. I have made this arrangement in the name of making the most of a bad situation, but in your case i would say once a fortnight is more than enough.

i wouldn't take what people on here say to heart, everyone has their own situation, and you will get some who agree with you but others who either are gps themselves, or whose gps are disinterested, saying that it is too little. At the end of the day it is whatever works for you

Your DH has no right to try and dictate the relationship you have with his mother, nor does he have any right to try and dictate what you do with your time.

You don't want to do this, you don't have to do it, so just don't. Tell your DH it's not going to happen and he needs to stop banging on about it because it's not going to make any difference.

You can put some effort in to show willing and so that your dd gets some time with her GM when she's old enough to notice by inviting her on days out if that's what you would prefer. There is no need for you to entertain the idea of a set day each week.

I also have 2 boys, both still very young, but whenever they do find their partners, I will do my best to get on with them - but it will be without overstepping boundaries, and without toe-treading. If they don't like me, then I will have to deal with that - sometimes people just don't "click" - but I wouldn't be forcing myself on them, or allowing either of my DSs to force me upon them either, that would be such a bad plan. :(

It is tricky- i can see your point of view - i don't dislike my MIL but find her hard work . However my DP is a SAHP and he sees his mother quite a lot during the week (DS has a really good relationship with his paternal grandparents) - because I am wfh its not the same with my mother. So if i want DS to see my mother we have to do it at the weekends which isn't always convenient (weekends away/visitors on both sides) so the relationship isn't as strong. DP is willing and happy to take DS to see my mother but she doesn't want to without me there- and then complains that she never sees ds.

See, this isn't PFB - DC2 is 12 months old and MIL doesn't come over every week to see her!

I would suggest you 'compromise' that you make sundays grandparent days, so every other week it's his mum or your parents, they visit or you go to them, that way it's only once a month travelling for each set of grandparents.

I'd also ask him how often he saw his dad's parents. If it's "not often" then perhaps ask him why he thinks his mum should expect you to put more effort in with your inlaws than she was prepared to do herself? If she didn't give a shit about her PIL, why should she expect you to run round for her? Or in fact, does his mother really want to give up a day a week every week to see you? Doesn't she have a life of her own already?

We saw her yesterday, and I suggested a picnic in the park, but DH told me it was weird not to have her here at the house...Apparently suggesting an outdoor visit is unwelcoming.

This is a big problem. What you did was perfectly normal and a good way of getting MiL properly involved in your DC's day. To say it was unwelcoming is madness.

I think your DH is being extremely unreasonable. How does he think it will work when you finish your ML?

Compromise by all means (explain to your DH what the word actually means!) but avoid a regular day. Though having said that, I have a regular day with my DGC where we go to a baby group (lots of grannies there!) and that works really well.

What childcare will you have in place when you go back to work (am I assuming that you are?) anyway? Will it involve MiL?

Oh - I take DGC to the baby group on my own! Mum stays at home to have a rest do housework!

What is normal? Where I come from it's more open door policy and as whole generations still usually live in the town then often GPS play a very it part in their gdc's lives.

We live far away and it saddens me that my children don't have the close casual relationship with their gps that their cousins had. So everyone's normal is different.

I'd be happy with a weekly few hours visit. Both go out shopping and then she stays for dinner and sees her son as well. I like my Mil and happily spend time on my own with her but that's me. Unless she's awful I don't think an afternoon a week is that much TBH.

If your MIL is keen to spend time with your DC, then I'd take advantage of that and arrange for her to come over once a week, or go to hers, and have that time off for yourself while she looks after DC.

Op just because some people love seeing their mils every day and bathing with them, doesnt mean you have too

your situation is yours,

if its not something you want to do, don't do it, you are NOT denying your DC a relationship with her!

Do what you want and do not be dictated to by your dh in any way, it sounds really odd he has even asked you, and said why.

One thing thats going for you is hte child is young, you MUST put your foot down NOW>..and show them who is in control here.

It sounds creepy and odd.

YANBU. Once a fortnight is plenty & I really don't think that many reasonable people would feel excluded with that amount of contact.

I'm quite a private person too & wouldn't want to have a "set in stone" arrangement to spend the day with anyone every single week.

When I lived close to my parents I saw them at least a couple of times a week with children, but this was often just popping over for a coffee and a dog walk or handing over when they were babysitting. Now we live further away I see them about once a month, but I will stay for a whole day or over night. DH's parents live 4 hour's drive away. We see them about 6 times a year, but we always staying for 2-4 days.

I think it all evens out in the end. Equally relationships with relations vary. You can't force a relationship just by proximity or try to duplicate another relationship.

OP, my MiL wanted to spend 3-4 days with me every few weeks when I had my DD. I lasted twice and then had to say no. If you get on with you MiL well and want to see her every week then that is fine but if you want time to enjoy your maternity leave how it suits you then you need to put your foot down now.

Your DH may want to accommodate his mother but you don't have to. If he wants her to spend more time with your DD then he can arrange it when it is convenient for everyone.

I can't stress how much this is your one and only maternity leave with your DD and you won't get this time back again. Why should you sacrifice one 7th of it to please others? This may sound selfish but why shouldn't you put your needs first?

One argument people give for keeping on side with the in laws is you will need babysitters in the future and whilst this may be true it doesn't mean you should be held to ransom now. (I am of the opinion that you don't rely on favours from family anyway as things can often go sour).

I would tell DH that his plan is not going to happen and that if he wants a happy wife then he doesn't push it. His loyalty must be towards you and not his mum.

but DH told me it was weird not to have her here at the house...Apparently suggesting an outdoor visit is unwelcoming.

I fell into cultural differences after baby was born and told GP were insulted by this and that.

I sense something simillar is going on here4

how stifling to insist you see his mother when they like i really dislike that my husband is a bit like this he knows how frustrating his mom is but will not acknowledge her part in why we are strained she is a wolf in sheeps clothing for example when the baby was ill dh took him to hospital and i had the other two (logical because i cant drive) mad with worry i cleaned everything i moped swept mowed lawns the house was spotless then i went and stayed in hospital with the baby and he came back she was in our house daily washing rearranging and cleaning my floor (she was supposed to feed the cats when dh came up to see us) i came home to a martyred expression my kitchen sideways my whole house disorganised (she shoves things in cupboards i have a cupboard for everything in order) she told everyone she had to clean my tiles and my floor because there was dirt/mould everywhere her husband was angry she had to clean my house and my husband was you should be grateful she is "helping" i went ballistic at him told him she used a months worth of washing powder called me a dirty cow ran the dishwasher for a cup and a bowl she is so wasteful and im not fucking dirty

His loyalty must be towards you and not his mum

its clearly to his mum.

• deakymom .

I know exaclty what you mean.

I came home from hospital to that Martyed expression and as soon as I saw it I knew there would be trouble, our house was filthy apparently and my whole house was disorganised I could not find simple things...we were told we should be grateful also,

This was a woman who literally went baslistic if a plate was in the wrong place in her kitchen. We have never got on since.

I'd also ask him how often he saw his dad's parents. If it's "not often" then perhaps ask him why he thinks his mum should expect you to put more effort in with your inlaws than she was prepared to do herself?

This is a good point too, & was an issue I had with my MIL. She & FIL actually lived with her parents for several years, so her mum was massively hands-on & involved.

We're a long way away, so were never going to be able to have really frequent contact, but MIL's own experience definitely coloured her expectations: of how often we'd visit; of where we'd spend all important holidays (their home); & of the type of role she'd have (matriarch, heart of the family, free to interfere at will!).

DH, fortunately, was pretty good at setting boundaries & establishing the idea that actually, for us, our home is the centre of our family life, not theirs.

But it was still a bit of a lightbulb moment for me when he once mentioned how rarely they saw his dad's mum & how they never, ever spent Christmas or Easter or any other major events with her.

Made me realize that MIL wanted the role her own mum had had, but conveniently forgot that her own MIL had been totally sidelined! I've never sidelined her, incidentally - my own mum is dead - just wanted a sense of having my own family that didn't revolve entirely around PIL & their home.

But it was still a bit of a lightbulb moment for me when he once mentioned how rarely they saw his dad's mum & how they never, ever spent Christmas or Easter or any other major events with her

Yep, same here! My MILS parents lived abroad but saw them far more than FILS DM, she too was sidelined forgotton, never made welcome. Died without knowing her GC, her GD called her a silly old bat. to be precise.

It cracks me up when people say " oh take advantage. Get house work done. Have a snooze whilst they are round" er no. I have a very similar relationship with my mil. I would NEVER see her without my DH. I find her over bearing. My children find her over bearing. And I would refuse to set up a routine where I had to see her YANBU

Carpetbagger - tosh! They have a new baby, a new situation they are trying to find a way through. You are reading things into all this that aren't there. Seems like you ae projections your feelings and situation into everyone else.

Also, if the relationship was easier then your DH wouldn't have to insist would he. As you said, if you enjoyed her company you would arrange things yourself. And why is going for a picnic seen as not welcoming??

Gosh! A lot of replies, and much food for thought. Thank you everyone.

A few thoughts/answers/updates:

I probably should have been more specific about "day-tripable". It's a 3hr round trip, so too far to meet for just a coffee. A full afternoon as minimum is usually expected, and I think that's fair given the travel time involved.

That probably also answers the question of why DH can't take DD to see MIL between feeds! But even if we were bottle feeding, would many mothers be happy letting their 2 month old go off for the day with Dad without them? Maybe I'm more PFB about her than I thought

The open house suggestion...perhaps it is sad that I don't do that. But it's the way I am. Actually, if I lived in close proximity to lots of friends and family I might enjoy having more of an open house, because visits could be quick and low-key. But who knows? Maybe I'd still guard my privacy jealously! I do believe that introverts come under a lot of pressure in this society to meet extroverts' expectations.

I have really taken on board people's suggestions to make the visits specific to something - so, would MIL like to join us on a trip to the zoo? Could MIL please help me out as I'm dying to decorate the baby's room and need someone to cuddle her while I do it...etc. etc. I know that MIL would truly like to be helpful, and that it upsets her that I don't really need much help, so I could try to create more need for that.

Someone asked about how often DH saw his paternal grandparents. Unfortunately he has never known them, so the only comparison DH/MIL have for this situation is the relationship they had with his maternal GPs.

DH and I spoke about this again this morning, and he's agreed that fortnightly is a reasonable compromise, and we're going to try alternating weekdays/weekends as several people suggested. He's not overly happy, but I think he's beginning to recognise that forcing more is not a good idea.

I honestly do want DD to have a good relationship with MIL. I would hate to be a barrier to that. It's just about finding a way to let them spend time with each other in a way that I don't find horribly intrusive.

As for the issue of childcare once I go back to work, that's going to be hard to agree on. I would like to use a childminder. DH would ideally prefer me to stay at home, but knows I want to return to work so has suggested his mother two days a week so that DD doesn't have to be with "strangers" all week. I'm not keen, not least because MIL is quite absent minded, but also because I don't want to clash over child rearing methods (which we would). I'd prefer MIL to be special to DD as my GPs were to me. Putting her in the position of having to deal with DD warts and all, having to wean, cope with tiredness, illness, discipline - that IMO would take the fun out of their relationship.