Not to want to see my MIL every week?

[Grumpalot]

MIL lives in a different town, day-trippable from us. DD is 2 months old. DH would like me to have MIL here one day a week, while he is a work, so that she can develop a relationship with DD and with me. I am more comfortable with seeing her about once every month, and prefer DH to be here too. I'm quite a private person, am enjoying my maternity leave with DD, and don't particularly want to spend one day out of seven with any one person, let alone DH's mother. No particular bad feeling between us, but she does irritate me (and I her, I am sure) and I find her quite intrusive. Currently see her about once a fortnight, which I'm happy to do for DH but personally find that quite a lot of contact. She and DH also have usually daily contact by phone. FWIW, we see my family about once a month also.

DH wants her to be here with me and DD once a week, and thinks I should just have her over to tag along with whatever I happen to be doing that day. His grandparents saw him twice a week growing up. My view is that:

a) His GPs were his mother's parents, not in laws, and it's a different matter to ask me to spend time with my MIL on my own every week.
b) Regardless, just because that worked for his family when he was little, that does not mean it is normal.
c) Regardless of how normal it may be, if I am uncomfortable with spending so much time with someone, I shouldn't have to, even if that means I am more anti-social than your average person.
d) DD can grow up with a perfectly good and loving relationship with her grandmother without seeing her every week.
e) DH's mother should visit when he is here to see her. I wouldn't ask him to spend time with my mother without me!

I'm fed up with arguing about this with DH. So, AIBU or is DH BU for pressurising me?

Also, if you have had grandparents who lived in the same town/close by, then regular visits of a couple of hours are easy to fit in, when you chose to live so far away from your parents (which I'm assuming was equally your DH's choice!) then that relationship can never happen because they will have to do full day visits to make such a long drive 'worth it'.

What does he think will happen when you return to work, if you do? Your MIL is too far away to do childcare, so you aren't going to see her every week unless it's on the weekend, does he really think she should get 50% of every weekend? When would you see your parents?

I've got a friend who used to have this sort of arrangement with her own parents, but who got most annoyed that when their DGC started preschool, that meant there was no longer a week day free so their visits had to stop/become half day ones or on weekends when there wasn't something else going on. Even if you become a SAHM after ML, you will only have another 1-2 years left with a free day every day of the week.

MIL isn't going to have the "picking DGC up from school once a week and taking him/her for tea." type relationship that his grandparents had with him. Trying to recreate something like that is on a hiding to nothing.

I don't come from a family where weekly contact with grandparents is seen as normal so I can't understand the 'poor grandma' posts. Once a fortnight is plenty. My DS sees my parents once every 2-3 months for a weekend, plus two weeks (separately) with them a year. He's very close to them. A weekly enforced visit with your MIL is insanity IMO.

Is he trying to push it so that you will want to use her as childcare do you think then?

More than thinking how nice it would be for his mum to see her GC once a week?

I really liked my ILS but it would have driven me nuts to have to spend a whole day every week with my mil .

Your DH is trying to dictate the terms under which you run your life . Do be careful how you handle this as it will affect your future together . My ILS lived many miles away so visits had to be 4/5 days long of necessity . Once I gave up work , even though the children had left home , I suddenly found myself going on holiday with them for weeks at a time . I had been so accommodating previously that my DH thought this was ok !

When I retired I was looking forward to a wonderful first week on my own , doing my own thing, free at last . DH invited his parents to stay for the whole week.... as I was now " available " .. .. even though he still went out to work every day during that week .It still really rankles that he thought this was reasonable and that when I protested he made me feel as though I was a terrible person .

Several years later he invited them to spend 5 weeks ( yes , 5 whole weeks ) travelling around Australia and New Zealand with us . Again , I didn't speak up until it was too late . Mind you , when I did , he said I had to be the one to tell them they couldn't come . So, naturally , to keep the peace I capitulated. Not my best holiday !!

It led to a lot of resentment on my part and continued until both ILS died .

Please sort this out before it becomes a wedge between you and DH. Use my experiences as a warning !! And remember , I actually liked my ILS ... but there is a limit .

The distance does make it hard Op. sounds like you have found a reasonable compromise. Hope you find a way that keeps you all happy.

oh x post, with your MIL doing childcare, she'd have to move in for those 2 days you know, a 1.5 hour journey in normal traffic to be at yours in time for you to commute would mean leaving very early. Is he happy for his mum to move in?

Plus, CM would only be 'a stranger' until your DC got to know them, if they were going there 2-3 days a week, they'd not be a stranger for long...

Start sorting your childcare out, arrange to use a childminder. Get it sorted as early as possible...

Tosh , not sure what I am reading into it.

I see a woman whose DH is thrusting her MIL on her.

Just because you like your MIL, doesnt mean op should like her or want to spend an afternoon with her once a week.

I think its really cruel to guilt trip her into spending once a week with someone she does not want too, it matter not what is normal for anyone else or the whole country, SHE does not want to do it. That is enough.

op can you tell us if cultural differneces are playing a part here.

YANBU I don't even seek out the company of close friends for a whole day once a week every week. If you offer once a fortnight, some of those on weekends, I would feel that was incredibly generous.

MaryWestmacott: yep, DH would like MIL to stay here one night a week to do 2 days childcare. Actually, thinking about train times, it would have to be 2 nights a week as she's have to come the night before. I think this is a terrible idea.

I agree about childminders. In my mind, a good one becomes a close friend/honorary auntie, and is a welcome addition to a child's life. I'm going to start looking asap so I can present DH with some good options.

All MILs (and DHs for that matter!) are different so what works for one person won't work for another. However one piece of advice I would give to anyone is start as you mean to do on. If you are not happy with weekly visits at the mo then don't establish that precedent - much more offence will eventually be caused by changing it than by not starting it in the first place. I think that as you are not workingat the mo and dh is then it is not unreasonable to expect you to see mil on your own from time to time (unless you want all your family time together to be taken up with parental visits) just don't start fixing any days. It might sometimes be useful to have mil around to mind dd for an hour or so while you go to the hairdressers for instance or if you have a doctors appointment or even if you just fancy an hour of baby-free time or a snooze! Also might mil be useful for emergency childcare when you go back to work - if so I would start cultivating her and her relationship with dd ASAP. My own experience was that having dcs helped me forge a real bond with mil - slowly at first, but then she was not a forceful and overbearing person (no idea what yours is like). It really helped me when I had ds after my dd as suddenly I could put myself in her position? I also think it helps to remember that no one loves your dcs more than you and dh except perhaps their grandparents.
I would just also add that going for a picnic is a lively idea and dh is being totally unreasonable to suggest otherwise.

• I'm going to start looking asap so I can present DH with some good options

Op why is your dh dictating so much please tell us.

are you own parents around?

Can you ask DH to see your DM once a week too?

CarpetBagger: no cultural differences, in the sense that we are all of the same ethnic background, religion etc.

Unless you count extrovert/introvert mismatch as a cultural difference! And of course, there's the ever-tricky mother/only son relationship to contend with.

does MIL want to give up her home for 2 nights a week for the next 4 years? That's quite a lot to ask!

If you will need to use a CM anyway for other days, find a good one, then present it as a done deal to your DH.

or you could do the whole "It would be so good for DD to be round other children as she's an only child, it's it lovely that CM has an older child that will be like having a part time sister/brother!"

Umm. I don't really think DH is dictating is he? He's just making it clear what he would like, and putting pressure on me to agree. That causes stress and arguments, but I wouldn't call it dictating because there is at least debate - just very heated debate!

My parents live much further away, so unfortunately I can't really take the splendid suggestion of asking DH which day he'd like to spend time with them on his own

To me it sounds like dictating yes, my DH would never ever even ask such a thing of me and never couched in such a way.

I would never ever ask same of DH.

If I were to ask him, see him upset and not happy and then to keep pushing the issue..

I couldn't have asked our parents to look after a lively baby/toddler for a whole day. They would have been knackered though some GPS are youngish and up for it. What age is she, it could all be too much for her anyway. I'd have felt more comfortable with a old childminder and keep gps for fun and odd babysitting.

Again everyone and everyone's situation and wants ae different.

Put your foot down and do what suits you, don't allow her to take a day out of your life every week, you'll lose out on things you'd prefer to do and will end up resenting your dh and mil. Under no circumstances should you let her do childcare when you return to work, you'll never get rid of her. If you give in or even compromise there'll be more demands as your baby grows, in a year he'll be insisting you send the child up to stay with mil half the week if he thinks he can get away with it.

The thing about people who think themselves entitled to force themselves and their family members onto you is that they have no boundaries and no respect for your time, they will push and push until they get what they want and they'll always want more than they're getting. You give her one day, soon your husband will be demanding two and guilt tripping you into it, it'll be neverending.

I'd really consider whether a man who insists on controlling your time and forcing you to waste full days every week in his mothers company is really worth the hassle. Assert your boundaries now and make sure you have the resources to leave if he doesn't respect your right to spend your days as you please and tries to bully you into submission.

I'd really consider whether a man who insists on controlling your time and forcing you to waste full days every week in his mothers company is really worth the hassle. Assert your boundaries now and make sure you have the resources to leave if he doesn't respect your right to spend your days as you please and tries to bully you into submission

I agree Blue

While I think your DH is not unreasonable in hoping for a closer relationship with his parents than a grudging once a month, I think involving them in regular childcare is a complete disaster if you aren't in complete agreement.

If your MiL has a certain idea on how things should be done and you don't agree, you'll clash every time she looks after dd. You won't be paying (presumably) so you won't feel you can get annoyed/upset/change things. There are threads upon threads of people venting their woes at disasters that occur during family childcare times, to which the general response is you should be grateful they're involved and doing it for nothing (doesn't help when you didn't want dd fed eg honey before age 2 but mil thinks toast and honey is what all 4 month old babies should be given). Extreme example but hopefully demonstrates point.

I would definitely go with childminder / nursery / nanny / whatever paid childcare you prefer and keep granny times separate.

I'd see this as a 'just say no' situation.

There's plenty of time after maternity leave for her to develop her relationship with your dd. From the strong starting point she already has.

Frankly, it's your maternity leave. I'm sure some people will consider that a selfish view but I'd consider them wrong. You have family time with your DH and others too, at weekends. Mat leave is for you to get to know your baby and develop your bond. Only do things that help with that, which can of course include seeing people you want to see. It will be over all too soon.

On childcare, letting MIL free up some time for you now, by looking after dd would be a good idea if it was something you both wanted and you trusted her. Letting her take a lead with you elsewhere in the house would be a controlled way to start / test and develop her competence. Again, if you want her to become someone who could look after your dd.

Longer term, you need to be completely confident she is capable of looking after dd before committing to such an arrangement. If she isn't, all your DH's wishing won't change that.

I think some amount of childcare can combine with having a fun grandparent relationship. It depends a lot on the person. I understand your concern about that.

Oh, see the usual LTB from the comfort of your own couch is being trotted out and the Op is now being told she is being dictated and controlled, OK...

I agree Bambambini being cavalier with LTB isn't good.

I would like to ask OP though, what its like when she "just says no" to things? If you refuse because it would make you unhappy and you feel you have compromised enough, how will he react?

Will he accept it and you'll all move on?

Or will he sulk? Or try and grind you down? Will be be angry?

Because often it's not the disagreement but how you manage to move forward and compromise that shows if the relationship is balanced.

I think the husband is trying to control the situation TBH. As for having MiL staying over for 2 nights a week to care for the DC when OP returns to work- aaaaahhhhhh!!!! No.

I wouldn't want to say LTB but I do think child care arrangements, contact with grandparents and agreements on child rearing have to be made by the parents and no one else. Once one person in the relationship is trying to dictate terms then there's only trouble ahead.

OP, what exactly do you want? Have you told your DH clearly? I think you need to explain what you need and what you may compromise on. He has to respect you and your feelings - as his wife you should be his priority. Once you aren't his priority that is when you begin to question the relationship.