Not to want to see my MIL every week?

[Grumpalot]

MIL lives in a different town, day-trippable from us. DD is 2 months old. DH would like me to have MIL here one day a week, while he is a work, so that she can develop a relationship with DD and with me. I am more comfortable with seeing her about once every month, and prefer DH to be here too. I'm quite a private person, am enjoying my maternity leave with DD, and don't particularly want to spend one day out of seven with any one person, let alone DH's mother. No particular bad feeling between us, but she does irritate me (and I her, I am sure) and I find her quite intrusive. Currently see her about once a fortnight, which I'm happy to do for DH but personally find that quite a lot of contact. She and DH also have usually daily contact by phone. FWIW, we see my family about once a month also.

DH wants her to be here with me and DD once a week, and thinks I should just have her over to tag along with whatever I happen to be doing that day. His grandparents saw him twice a week growing up. My view is that:

a) His GPs were his mother's parents, not in laws, and it's a different matter to ask me to spend time with my MIL on my own every week.
b) Regardless, just because that worked for his family when he was little, that does not mean it is normal.
c) Regardless of how normal it may be, if I am uncomfortable with spending so much time with someone, I shouldn't have to, even if that means I am more anti-social than your average person.
d) DD can grow up with a perfectly good and loving relationship with her grandmother without seeing her every week.
e) DH's mother should visit when he is here to see her. I wouldn't ask him to spend time with my mother without me!

I'm fed up with arguing about this with DH. So, AIBU or is DH BU for pressurising me?

I'd keep away from a set day too. Invite her to come to a playgroup maybe or sometimes when you want to go shopping. My mum loves pushing the pram round while I shop.

Do you drive? You could meet her somewhere halfway between sometimes.

Would she come round and help you, do the ironing for eg?

We used to see my father's mum for a one hour on Sundays, it drove my mother nuts but without those weekly visits I don't think I would have developed the same bond with my grandmother, bond that came in very handy when more help was needed to care for her when she became ill and frail. I guess it gave us a sense of responsibility (it is not just about fun). When we were old enough we started to spend more time with her without my mother just because we enjoyed it.

On the other hand, my mother was not particularly close to her mum so there was no regularity about contact with her. We have never had much of a relationship with her at all. We know her so little that we don't feel close.

I think however it is mad of your DH to ask you to spend so much time with her on your own. If he wants to develop that relationship he has to be with you when you see her (after all, she is his mother not yours).

It was customary in my exh's family to meet for lunch on Sundays, and we normally had a good time (we were in a place were everyone spends sundays with family so, we wouldn't have had any friends to meet with at that time, even if we wanted to). But as soon as we got engaged it increased to 3 times a week, mil used to get very annoyed if we weren't there and also very demanding. What was once enjoyable became a chore and eventually an opportunity for her to be controlling an even abusive. Exh used to leave the room if things became heated but insisted in spending as much time as possible with her, even when I used to leave her house in tears. Needless to say she is cited as one of the reasons in my divorce form.

But I don't really think she was the problem, the problem was my ex who by forcing that contact, no matter what, gave her the power to rule the roost even in our own little family.

As you say, your baby is very young and visits wouldn't be about her anyway. Don't set a precedent, if he was such relationship to develop, he is the one who has to do the legwork.

I find it a bit worrying that your DH feels he can dictate to you like this. It's not up to him to decide how you spend your days or whether MIL will stay the night every week when you return to work. This is your home too.

His daily phone calls to her seem a bit intense too. Does he think he is married to her or you??

YANBU! With the best will in the world once a fortnight is absolutely fine! If you are still on ML your baby is clearly still very young, there are many many years ahead. While your DD is a baby your weeks and days need to be planned to keep you sane and many many MILs are counterproductive to that aim. When your child is 3/4 and perhaps you may be working then your MIL could happily come once a week while you are at work and DD will have a brilliant relationship with grandma without you having to feel frazzled and intruded upon. Stick to once a fortnight for now.

I would make a friend of her but keep away from a set day. It won't be long before you can use her as a babysitter and then you, she and the DC can have the best of all worlds. See her when it would be useful to you- e.g help to go swimming. Keep it short- e.g meet in the middle for coffee.
Lots if things you can do without having a whole set day at your house.

I think I might try asking DH which day he is willing to give up for the weekly visit to your parents , and tell him that you are happy to go out (between feeds or with baby) to give him time to get to know your parents better.

I agree with previous posters that keeping arrangements loose with your MIL is the way forward - perhaps stick to fortnightly , and alternate between a weekend and a weekday, changing the day so you don't get locked into a set pattern.

Oh Gawd: I had a massive fallout over this kinda thing. We were seeing mil twice/ three times a week. Admittedly some weeks I loved it- other weeks I hated it.

I still carry guilt over cutting visits down to once a week! Reading this now I certainly don't. She is a generous and kind woman, but also very self centred and manipulative - so it can be tiresome being around her.

Op boundaries from the start would be ideal. So I think you are quite right to stick to what you prefer. It is harder to. Hand something you already have in place iyswim. Good luck.

Change*

YANBU.

Say something ASAP. You shouldn't have to entertain MIL when dh is not there.

My mil lives round the corner and took to coming most days when dp was at work. She would come round for a mins about her exh, she would moan that her dc don't contact her enough, she would slag her friends off, she would be passive aggressive on my mothering skills.

It was exhorsting her being here.

She started to meet her friends here or bring friends with her as her flat wasn't very nice and I'd be expected to make cups of tea for them

I did try talking to her about it - she ignored it. So I took to locking the door and hiding. After a few daysvof rattling the door handle and banging on the door like the police - she got the message.

Dp thought I was being out of order.

I didn't really give a shit by then. It also soured the relationship between me and MIL because there was no boundaries.

Do knows he has to be here now when mil comes as he knows I find her draining.

Once a fortnight seems fine. I used to see my gps about once a month and that was frequent enough for us to have a good relationship. It really doesn't matter how other people get on with their in laws, this is about you getting on with yours.

I am like you, I wouldn't want to commit to spending a day a week with anyone let alone my MIL who sometimes drives me nuts! I think one visit a fortnight is more than enough - alternating between one trip alone doing something with you during the week (so once a month) and one visit at the weekend with DH. I think he is being massively unreasonable about it, and I would just put my foot down and refuse to discuss it with him any further.

I would also be wary of using her for child care - if you start something which you later turn out not to be happy with it will be very difficult to stop.

I find these sorts of posts really sad.
Imagine if this was your dil posting?

Oh there's always one! I fully expect my DILs to want her gown space - there is no way I will be forcing myself on them.

bad I think for a gp it must be hard to only see their grandchild once a month - so I do agree with you in a way actually. I see mil once a week for Dds sake. Or dh takes dd to see her more often than not. Op could you not get dh to take your dc to see her once a week? As a grandparent I would feel sad only seeing my grandchild once a month if I lived close by.

For what it's worth badvoc2 I would never ask my dp to go and visit or receive visits from any of my family in my absence.
I wouldn't spend time with his friends whom I don't have that much of a relationship without him there (nor would he expect me too-so why should it be any different because it's a family member?

By the way- not to go back on what I initially posted! - you can keep to seeing her once a month, but dh could take your dc to see her more.

That way you are still having necessary boundaries. Unless she is abusive or anything, I think it's nice for a gparent to see their gc...

I have sons and would NOT expect their wives to do this!

KeepOn, but it's only short term that the MIL will only see her grandchild once a month: once OP stops breastfeeding, or the baby is old enough to go without BF for a few hours, her DH will be able to visit as often as he likes with the baby.

Thanks imogen

I missed the bf part? Is this why it is only once a month? I didn't see that stated in main post.

I had this with my oh when we had a new born. Wanted to see in laws every week for a roast or something. I hated the rigidity of it!! Also I was thinking forward to the end if maternity leave where we only had two weekend days together as a family and one of then had to be with his family.... It caused lots if rows but I'm happy to say we don't.

We see lots of them, they gave a great relationship with dd but it doesn't need to be diarised now forever.

Put your foot down!! Yanbu x

I have sons and I fully accept that it is quite likely that if they ever have children and their wives are the primary carers they are not likely to want to be hanging out with me all the time.

It will be my responsibility to maintain a good but respectful relationship with my own children and their spouses, and hopefully that will have the knock on effect that I will be involved in their lives. Pushing yourself onto people is never the way to go.

If your DH wants you and his mum to be closer, he needs to leave it up to you and her to work the relationship out between you, not dictate the terms.

So, if a picnic in the park works for you, do that. Telling you you must have her hanging around the house is bound to be counterproductive if it's his way of doing things, not yours.

I offered to have my ILs over once a week.

For their benefit to see PFB-they refused.

The idea was that they would stay until my husband got home, see him for a while & we would't have to give up as many weekend days to them iyswim.

They refused as they only wanted visits that entailed a whole day with their son.

Having made the offer, we didn't feel like giving up more of our weekends so they lost out big time.

I think I might try asking DH which day he is willing to give up for the weekly visit to your parents , and tell him that you are happy to go out (between feeds or with baby) to give him time to get to know your parents better.

Brilliant idea!

However as others have said compromise is the answer. I can understand being desperate to see a grandchild and also being worried about being shut out. However, your feelings count too. Very few people spend an entire day a week hanging out with their MIL. Fine if you wanted to do this, but you don't. I think once a fortnight sounds much more reasonable.

I am thankful that I have already made a friend of my future DIL and we enjoy each other's company on our own. I would hate to be a duty and have a set day. Sometimes I see her twice a week or I might go 6 weeks without seeing, but we speak or email in between. We don't do it all through DS as if we can't have a relationship without him!