Not to want to see my MIL every week?

[Grumpalot]

MIL lives in a different town, day-trippable from us. DD is 2 months old. DH would like me to have MIL here one day a week, while he is a work, so that she can develop a relationship with DD and with me. I am more comfortable with seeing her about once every month, and prefer DH to be here too. I'm quite a private person, am enjoying my maternity leave with DD, and don't particularly want to spend one day out of seven with any one person, let alone DH's mother. No particular bad feeling between us, but she does irritate me (and I her, I am sure) and I find her quite intrusive. Currently see her about once a fortnight, which I'm happy to do for DH but personally find that quite a lot of contact. She and DH also have usually daily contact by phone. FWIW, we see my family about once a month also.

DH wants her to be here with me and DD once a week, and thinks I should just have her over to tag along with whatever I happen to be doing that day. His grandparents saw him twice a week growing up. My view is that:

a) His GPs were his mother's parents, not in laws, and it's a different matter to ask me to spend time with my MIL on my own every week.
b) Regardless, just because that worked for his family when he was little, that does not mean it is normal.
c) Regardless of how normal it may be, if I am uncomfortable with spending so much time with someone, I shouldn't have to, even if that means I am more anti-social than your average person.
d) DD can grow up with a perfectly good and loving relationship with her grandmother without seeing her every week.
e) DH's mother should visit when he is here to see her. I wouldn't ask him to spend time with my mother without me!

I'm fed up with arguing about this with DH. So, AIBU or is DH BU for pressurising me?

Wow, I did not expect this to go down the LTB route.

I would like to ask OP though, what its like when she "just says no" to things? If you refuse because it would make you unhappy and you feel you have compromised enough, how will he react?

Well, he would make it clear he was disappointed, and would almost certainly have a really good go at changing my mind. Which I suppose is what he has done/is doing in this instance.

I have told him clearly what I want, but because I haven't managed to persuade him that I'm being entirely reasonable, we're still arguing about it. (Less so since the talk this morning.) I don't think that's a sign of a controlling relationship.

I would, however, say that I probably have a tendency to handle situations like this badly, because I do want to please DH and MIL, and will try to do what they want, but at the same time I resent being asked so much of. So perhaps the problem here is that while I know what I want, I don't have the courage of my convictions to know that I'm not being unreasonable or mean. Hence the thread

That's ok OP, people on here are quick to shout "leave" when actually, "you are in the right" is all you need to hear.

I'm not going to say LTB, Grumpalot, but it does sound a little bit as if people are taking advantage of your desire to please / possible lack of assertiveness.

The scenario you describe of DH saying he doesn't like a decision, & trying to change your mind, & you both arguing about it - well, I think that can be fairly healthy when there's a disagreement about something that you both rightly have an equal say / stake in.

But to be fair, this is about how you spend your time while you're on maternity leave, when DH isn't there. Of course he has a stake in wanting your child to develop a good relationship with his GM - but wanting you to commit that amount of YOUR time, every single week, & not taking no for an answer - well, I would just say no if it was me. I would see that as my decision to make, actually.

I disagree you should LTB but I do think this is V un reasonable behaviour on his part.

You have said no, that should be enough.

Plenty of people on here think its a very un reasonable request, your DH is still arguing with you about it.

You don't need to convince him or anything else, its YOUR time, YOUR baby too....YOUR precious Maternity leave and YOUR decision, and you have said NO.

I am just trying to imagine forcing my DH to spend more time with my father trying to argue with him about it to convince him it was a good thing.....I love my DF BTW but would never ever ever want to get an un willing DH to spend once a week with him!

I thought the OP said it had been discussed and a compromise of once every two weeks had been agreed so don't know why folk are jumping the gun and trying to convince the Op that she is being controlled and dictated to.

So if he wants his mum to see his daughter once a week & you don't want to see her without him, what's his solution?

Is he only fussed about the once a week if he doesn't have to do it or will he know make a point of it happening & it impacting on your weekends?

(Sorry, have assumed that he works mon-fri)

He's every right (for want of a better word) to want something.

To pressure you is not on, though.

Bambambini, I though they'd settled it too - but then in OP's last post she just says they're arguing less about it since the talk this morning: but that they are still arguing, because she hasn't yet convinced her DH she's being reasonable.

He does sound a bit like a dog with a bone on this one.

• I don't have the courage of my convictions to know that I'm not being unreasonable or mean. Hence the thread

Well ^hopefully* now you do know you are being reasonable in not wanting to see your MIl so frequently and for looking at a child minder.

I don't think I could spend 10 minutes on my own with my MIL. I think that yadnbu

Urgh the idea of having anyone "tag along" would drive me crackers. Yanbu.

Actually. DH did try to encourage a closer relationship between me and MIL - he would suggest that we should go out for coffee together, or phone her once in a while, or if we needed help with e.g. babysitting that I should phone her rather than him doing it

Anyway. I wasn't comfortable with it and I just turned it back on him and said "If we were still in the UK, and it was my Dad, would you be doing all this with him? No, you wouldn't. You'd expect me to phone him, you wouldn't see him unless it was with me, and you certainly wouldn't be going for coffee etc. with him (Dad's teetotal) - so why do you expect me to do any of that with your mum?"
Looking at it like that sorted his head out pretty quickly, tbh.
So even though your parents physically can't do anything (like my Dad can't, he's in England, we're not!), just offering up the opposite scenario and getting him to think about how he would cope with it might do the trick for you. Unless he's really pigheaded and dishonest, that is.

Re the childminder or granny coming over for 2 nights a week for later childcare, you have already expressed a great counter argument on this thread - where you said you want the GP-child relationship to be free from the more mundane routine aspects of childcare, and to be about the carefree fun stuff.

You have already identified a difference in childrearing styles between you and MIL, there is another point that needs clearly expressing. However much your DH feels that you can "warm" to your MIL, he needs to understand the substantial potential to sour what relationship there is, if you and MIL get into a tussle about how your child is cared for.

I think rather than trying to defend your relationship, you should mine this thread for solid supportive points that can help you express your preference when you go back to work, so that when you do have another discussion with DH, you can support your stance, and not be waffly and emotional, and apologetic for how you are as a person (you may not be being these things at the moment, but you sound like you're struggling to articulate what matters to you).

I can't believe the turn thus thread has taken with posters urging u to ltb! Is your dh MIL's only child or is dd the only grandchild? I think when people become parents they often oarent in the way they were parented - dh had a close relationship with his gps and so he and mil are expecting you to follow the same pattern. Your expectations are totally different - you are both just discovering this (I doubt anyone gives it a thought before they get married - perhaps we should?!) - nothing sinister about arguing about it, certainly not a reason to ltb! Think about what you want and stick to your guns, but do it graciously. See mil occasionally and find a good child minder for when you back to work - leaving the way clear to call on her in an emergency. If you spend a bit of time with her you can talk to her about why a child minder is a good option for your dd - let her be part of the process rather than cutting her out entirely. If your dh and mil are close she will be part of your life whether you like it or not or would you one day want your dd to choose between you and her partner?

• Thumbwitch Fri 20-Jun-14 13:49:00

This is what I was tyirng to get at with thinking about my DH being forced to see my dad once a week honestly nothing would shut him up quicker!!!

Try it op!

Sorry, that last sentence is poorly phrased. I just meant if they are close he probably feels a bit torn trying to do the right thing by her.

I also asked my dh of he would like to hang out with my mum...suggested she could come over on a sat and they could all have a nice time.

He doesn't even want to visit them let alone spend his time with them. It's a good way to prove your point.

I can see that your dh would think it was nice for you all to spend quality time together but really it's an imposition.

The whole MIL thing is hard. Expectations from MIL and DH's wanting to involve her. I found it ridiculously hard battling the assumption that I would want to spend my time with her. I was longing to see friends and be myself (with baby of course) and found the assumption, insistence and repeated requests to shop near her etc really claustrophobic. As for the assumption that she could just take baby out….. my incredulous, 'You've got to be joking, seriously - "I'm not letting anyone 'borrow' my dd" seemed to shock but made it clear it wasn't going to happen. I know it doesn't sound much to some but when you have a little one theres enough of that 'everyone wanting a piece of you' vibe going on to make you want to run a mile from sentencing yourself to a day a week which you know you will find unbearable. I agree with previous posters in asking your DH if he would do the same and spend time with your DM. I know mine wouldn't! Finding the fortnightly compromise sounds ideal OP. Especially if you do meet at various locations and on different days etc. It gives you the flexibility and freedom! to do what you like and what suits your family best. Our lives are no longer our own with a little one, but thats a joyous thing and we all happily(?) make sacrifices to our past way of living to accommodate the little arrival. That doesn't necessarily extend to other people though and it shouldn't have to.
Hope it all works out for you.

My MIL used to come round once a week from 12-pm-5pm.

It was too much in the end. Plus, most weeks she asked us to dinner on a Sunday.

My husband was there 99% of the time and we both felt it was too much. We couldn't just get on. When my mum comes round she helps herself to tea and makes herself at home so I never felt I had to entertain her. I will read, go on the computer or whatever while she gets on doing what she wants with the children and she will often sit there and read too and I don't need to talk to her for hours.

With my mil it felt too much like we had to entertain her. In the end we shortened the time and that was fine until we all fell out

Quite apart from anything else (BTW YANBU), I think you are right to be wary of setting precedents. I was quite ill for a long time after I had DD and my Dad came up a lot to help out. I've managed to cut it back to 1 day a week, but Tuesdays is very much Granddad's Day. Like your MIL, he lives nearish, but not on the doorstep, so it has to be for pretty much a whole day. DD is 3.8 now. This is one of her non-nursery days and I'd quite like to start taking her out on day trips on my own (something I was too ill to contemplate for a long time). Now I'm so much better, I want to have the chance to enjoy her a bit before she goes to school. There's always weekends, but weekdays are so much quieter - Tuesdays would be perfect! But it's hard to bring up. I'm thinking of asking him to come up 2 weeks in 3, as fortnightly seems a bit mean.

It can also be a PITA having to cook for an extra person - is MILL going to expect lunch and dinner? If she decides to take over in the kitchen for that day, will this be helpful to you, or massively stressful?

Your desire to please your DH and MIL comes across loud and clear.

However their desire to please you seems to be absent. What comes across from them is their desire to replicate their preferred parenting strategies despite the fact that MIL lives hours away.

I v much want to please DH but I suspect my desire to please myself is rather stronger When we first married I tried to please MIL and found it was doomed to failure. So I gave up and did things my way. Funnily enough once it was clear where the boundaries were, we miraculously started to get on!

DH forcing a relationship between you and MIL is doomed. Especially as he seems to have set this relationship in stone - you see her every week, at the house (not going out), then she'll stay over for 2 days... All the parenting choices will be MIL's as DH will parrot her ideas...

Questions I would be asking are:

Was the lovely grandparent relationship he can remember with MIL's mum or MIL?

How would he feel about having to see your mum every week? And her stay over for 2 nights every week?

Would he like to be a SAHP? - I'm guessing he would rather die so why does he want it for you?

What is he going to do when you and MIL disagree about parenting? Do you have his 100% support? Even if you are being irrational?

When you are both working what does he imagine happening at weekends?

When he comes home from work, how would he feel to discover a grandfather was doing bedtime every week instead of him?

My worry is that you and your DH do not have a shared vision of family life. DH clearly has a very strong vision of it and seems baffled that you aren't simply slotting in to it.

YANBU. I think it is outrageous that DH thinks he can tell you how to spend your days and how often you have to see MIL.

Do you tell him what to do/where to go/who to see? Thought not. He doesn't appear to give a shit about what you want and seems intent on steamrollering you into submission.

As for having MIL stay over 2 nights a week when you don't really get on does he have no regard for your feelings or wishes at all?

You need to start standing up for yourself OP. Say no and keep repeating it until he gets the message.

U2 your situation is scarily like mines!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Personally I think of your dh wants his mum to spend time with the baby then he should be arranging this for days he is at home, not expecting you to do it.

I don't particularly get on with my mil and Dhs family and I never visit them unless dh is with me. I know some people find that odd - I'm also the only sister in law that doesn't go on her own - but I really don't care what anyone thinks. If dh is that bothered he can go on his own.

yanbu we have a similar round trip. I do spend the odd day with mil on my own but not every week. I really wish they lived closer tbh because every time we see them its for hours and hours and my own parents would also drive me spare in that time. They are local though so I get to see them in small doses, casually which I much prefer.

One thing that occurs to me though is what does mil think about this?

I have visions of another one popping up 'am I being unreasonable to not want to travel for 3 hours every week to spend the day with dil'