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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party uninvite

308 replies

BatterseaGirl · 18/06/2014 20:41

So I had an email inviting DD to a party. It's a joint party and between the two girls they have invited five children. It's quite a special day out. DD very excited and I replied straightaway with a yes (replied to both mums). Then this evening I had a text from one of the mums saying - "sorry there's been a mix up with the invites ! DD has already promised to others. I'll speak to you tomorrow" AIBU to be livid? And what should I reply?

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 19/06/2014 13:43

Definitely give the money to nice mum rather than mean mum. It's a joint party so I can't see why mean mum is calling the shots.

CarpetBagger · 19/06/2014 13:56

Op do you think these mums really need contribution when the whole thread started I was thinking about people dropping out.

so someone has dropped out but you still have to pay? are you going too?

I would take my DD to a local farm and have a special day with her and simply not bother with this one....

its really really really poor and shitty behaviour.

wafflyversatile · 19/06/2014 14:03

No joint parties next year, fingers crossed.

I agree with calling nice mum and just saying. I'm a bit confused. What is happening?

Heels99 · 19/06/2014 14:16

Call nice mum and explain you are confused re what has happened.

Original poster

BatterseaGirl · 19/06/2014 14:19

The plot thickens still. I texted mean mum to ask whether she still needed a contribution now that one of the other girls can't make it. She has replied and said that she still needs the contribution as two other girls are now coming! And the original email said that the tickets had already been bought! I've texted back to ask her to confirm that there are indeed enough tickets. I'll email nice mum now as I bet she hasn't got a clue what's going on!

OP posts:

MintyChops · 19/06/2014 14:26

Don't communicate with mean mum anymore! She is a cheeky, rude mare. Let us know what nice mum says, the whole thing is completely weird. What are they doing for the party?

deXavia · 19/06/2014 14:29

For the love of god - stop texting. Its only going to wind you up - and keep the confusion between you and Mum 2!

DD is 8 - your DD, the other girls, you and the other mums have at least 2 or 3 more years of primary together and maybe even into secondary. Moral high ground is the way to go.

Whatever is going on its for Mum 1 and 2 to get together and sort, review who has accepted and declined. But if you keeping texting or hitting reply all hinting at confusion and rudeness - this will run and run.

Assuming the party isn't this weekend, I would sit back and let a day or two pass then reply to both Mums (only) and ask for confirmation on the plans. That will get you the answer with the least fuss and potential knock on effect to your DD.

Original poster

BatterseaGirl · 19/06/2014 14:31

It's open air theatre followed by a picnic. I've sent an email to nice mum now asking her to confirm that there are enough tickets.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 19/06/2014 14:31

The plot is continuing to thicken because you're still allowing bitchface to walk all over you. Just ask her what the fuck she thinks she's playing at, instead of meekly asking what she wants you to contribute.
Honest to God!!

minmooch · 19/06/2014 14:46

Seriously? 235 posts over a child's party and miscommunication. One phone call would have prevented all this drama. Be an adult and pick up the phone.

CarpetBagger · 19/06/2014 14:47

The plot is continuing to thicken because you're still allowing bitchface to walk all over you

I agree.

I do not know why you are kow towing and allowing this woman to treat you like an add piece of dog dirt. Not even you, but your precious DD.

How far does she had to go before you regain your dignity and say enough.

If this has been resolved pretty quickly I would suck it up for sake of DD but surely all this is going tooo too far????? How much are you going to suck up....Is your DD allowed to sit with the group? IS Bitch mum even going to be nice to her? will she be snatching Bday cake out of her hand....

" sorry love you cant have that we dont have enouhg for the people we actually wanted to come, its not for mistakes and your mum hasnt paid us for it"

andsmile · 19/06/2014 15:00

You know, I thought the stressy bit of being invited to a party was choosing a nice present.

You should not be having all his faff with texts on/off invites.

I saif up thread they dont sound nice. I wouldnt be going, Id do something equally as nice with DD. She may miss a party but that is a life lesson worth modelling for her - she can keep for the rest of her years - you dont let bitch faces walk all over you either they value your friendship or not.

Its utterly absurd to be invited to a party and then be asked to pay. You are not a guest then, you are an attendee who is paying. I'd be telling her where to go.

I thought you go as a guest then the present covers your plate so to speak? Good luck OP she sound delightful

LemonSquares · 19/06/2014 15:02

I think the problem is you are communicating effectively with each mum in turn and they are giving you different information each time rather than being communication transparent to both.

TBH - I'd do one last polite to nice mum but copied to everyone asking for a definite answer to what is going on - is your DD invited and do you have to pay.

Then if things aren’t clear after that - I'd be looking for something exciting to do that day with my DD and then say no to the whole things. Any future invites with this mother who has form for this behaviour I wouldn't be accepting and would find other things to do.

PrincessBabyCat · 19/06/2014 15:05

Yeah, I send out an email to both mums not the other recipients and ask what the fuck is going on. Then let them sort it. Stop texting mean mum. Tell her to stick to email as it's a joint party and everyone needs to be on the same page. And stop acting "confused" and tell her to cut the shit.

But stop letting her treat you like a door mat or this will continue.

merrymouse · 19/06/2014 15:05

She isn't walking all over you. She is just a rather confused woman making a mess of her daughter's birthday party.

Your end game is to establish whether they can organise this outing so that your daughter has a nice day out with her friends, or whether you need to politely pull out because it appears that they don't know what they are doing and it will all be a bit of a fiasco.

You need to clarify what is going on, not score points.

You don't have to have any relationship with either of these women beyond smiling at pick up and drop off and handing over at play dates. This is something any civilised human being should be able to manage without game playing.

CarpetBagger · 19/06/2014 15:07

Agree And Smile. Its degrading.

CarpetBagger · 19/06/2014 15:10

She is just a rather confused woman making a mess of her daughter's birthday party

We have all been confused at various times in our lives, but I have certainly not been confused to the degree where I have let an 8 year old carry the can for my own mistakes.

She may be confused, she still isnt very nice and is obsessed with the cost of the un wanted invitee who has now slipped in due to nice mum.

andsmile · 19/06/2014 15:10

merrymouse I stand by my walking all over you comment as OP said up thread she has done this before to another girl. Also all this brazen expectation that it is ok to unite, then backtrack, then ask for payment - sorry but she is taking the pee.

andsmile · 19/06/2014 15:12

Invited or not whats there to be cofused about? Paying or not? is it a prty with guests or organised outing?

There are no grey areas to be confused about with these arrangments.

She is a chancer who hedgers her bets.

Wonder why the other one dropped out, probably their mum said im not bloody paying.

TheBogQueen · 19/06/2014 15:14

Well as long as your dd gets to go along and is unaware of the backstage drama, it's all fine.

No point ramping up the hostility, it's only a kids party. Just be wary next time.

CarpetBagger · 19/06/2014 15:15

Also all this brazen expectation that it is ok to unite, then backtrack, then ask for payment - sorry but she is taking the pee.

^^ YY.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/06/2014 15:26

Jesus wept!

Pick up the phone. Seriously, this is so unnecessary. If you don't want to phone, then mail them both.

Why all the drama? Honestly!

Boudica1990 · 19/06/2014 15:39

I think at this point, I would just email them both back and say something along the lines of "after reviewing our family plans, I must regrettably decline the invitation for DD, apologies"

Because it just sounds like a fuck up waiting to happen, and being asked to pay as a guest is not on either. There's been so much uneeded confusion about the whole thing.

Save your money and your sanity! Go for a family day out.

RockinHippy · 19/06/2014 15:58

Save your money and your sanity! Go for a family day out

^ This^

I feel sorry for the nice mum being tied up with this awful other mum in such a situation

My own DD has been in a similar situation, though in her case it was out & out bullying, in that the RL of the school group was calling the shots on who invited who to the various birthday parties - so DD would be told she was getting an invite by the birthday girl & then not get one & be told it was because Xx was going & she didn't want DD invited

Personally we dealt with it by going somewhere bigger & better on the same day & letting DD take a friend or 2 too

Why not apologise to the nice mum, but explain it's getting too complicated & upsetting for your DD, so you are taking her elsewhere

Make it something better than a show & picnic & invite her best friend too

Good luck

AmysTiara · 19/06/2014 16:14

Do not give any money to either mum OP. Either speak to nice mum and hopefully your DD is invited or decline the invite but fgs don't pay.

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