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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party uninvite

308 replies

BatterseaGirl · 18/06/2014 20:41

So I had an email inviting DD to a party. It's a joint party and between the two girls they have invited five children. It's quite a special day out. DD very excited and I replied straightaway with a yes (replied to both mums). Then this evening I had a text from one of the mums saying - "sorry there's been a mix up with the invites ! DD has already promised to others. I'll speak to you tomorrow" AIBU to be livid? And what should I reply?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 18/06/2014 22:31

Op, lift the phone and ask the mum who thinks your dd is going what's going on. There are no clairvoyants on this thread.

ChasedByBees · 18/06/2014 22:31

I really think you should call mum #1. She issued the invite so she is the one you should find out where you stand from.

I'd try and get in touch with her before mum #2 does.

She has been so rude.

andsmile · 18/06/2014 22:32

I would say if you indulge a child in keep ing them happy by allowing them to uninvitet a child you run the risk of them becomming a spoilt little bitch a child - any fucking child.

Just to clarify I have not sought out the child in RL and screamed spoilt little bitch in her face.

I blame the mean Mum for allowing events that have resuted in her doing her daughter dirty work - even OP says she has done it before to another child.

Sounds like a lovely darling - not the sort I would want my kids around as I suspect i wouldnt share this families values.

Sorry if the name bitch offends, but she'd still be spoilt and spiteful.

CarpetBagger · 18/06/2014 22:32

op......whats the latest? I think that your dd will scrape in, nice mum will create space for her, what was the party doing>

Horrid mum is a horrific bitch, I dont feel sorry for her or her numbers at all she has made a mistake its up to her, an adult not an 8 year old to take it on the chin and deal like an adult with the problem she has created.

LemonSquares · 18/06/2014 22:32

The only issue with just texting the nice mother - is I'd be worried that other mother might persist in her belief your DD isn't going - and I'd be worried that you could turn up on day and have issues.

I'd want it clear to everyone if my DC was attending - to avoid any potentail misundsatnding on turning up - or find that my DD had at school been upset by one DC telling her she not welcome/going when she thinks she is.

However it it gets to be an on-going drama I agree with broken I'd avoid it all and plan and do something so much better.

MaryWestmacott · 18/06/2014 22:34

Matilda, because her dd will be upset when she told she's uninvited, and if the op could avoid that, why not ask the question?

Also, putting it in adult terms, if I was say, invited to a wedding by a bride I knew and then the grooms mum messaged me to say I wasn't invited, I'd check with the person who actually invited me this was the case, and make sure they knew what was happening.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/06/2014 22:36

Not necessarily, matildasquared - say that at a joint party for 2 host children they split the numbers in half so they get to invite half the total number of guests each. If one of the host parents ends up cocking it up and inviting 1 too many kids by mistake then she shouldn't then try to take a place away from the other host's agreed number of invitees. Sounds like this might be what happened here.

PrincessBabyCat · 18/06/2014 22:36

I will say most people I know if a mix up like this happened, would front the money for an extra person to come along so the girls could bring 6. Either way, a little girl is going to get uninvited if only 5 can come. Either the one that was just invited to replace OP's DD or the OP's DD will have to be let down.

It's not just OP's DD that's going to be upset. The replacement girl is going to be upset if OP gets her way. No one is going to win here unless they pony up and pay for 6 girls instead of 5.

Yes, I would ask for clarification, and see what's going on.

Ludoole · 18/06/2014 22:38

Fgs! One phonecall to clarify and its all sorted.
Just call!!!!

HayDayQueen · 18/06/2014 22:39

Well it's a little bit late for her to call the other mum now! Give her a chance to deal with it tomorrow people.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/06/2014 22:40

I wouldn't do it by phone - I'd prefer a text or email so I could show Uninviting mum the nice mum's reply, if she started trying to be funny about it.

Groovee · 18/06/2014 22:40

I'd be gutted. Ask nice mum if your dd is still invited and show her the text.

CarpetBagger · 18/06/2014 22:42

I would send email back

Hello Nice mum thanks for your reply but there seems to be some confusion, horrid mum sent bla blac about mistake and numbers.

Obvisouly we are deadling with an excited 8 year old who is now looking forward to attending this party, can you please clarify your postion, so I can deal with this mess.

matildasquared · 18/06/2014 22:47

Obvisouly we are deadling with an excited 8 year old who is now looking forward to attending this party, can you please clarify your postion, so I can deal with this mess.

Oh for pete's sake how much drama can be crammed into an email.

OP, move on.

lornemalvo · 18/06/2014 23:06

You don't need to make a drama out of it but you do need the first mum to know you have been uninvited. You have confirmed you will be going to her and she has said she is pleased you are coming. She will expect you there. You should just email back and say that you got the text from mum2 uninviting your dd earlier and now you've got the email from her saying she is pleased your DD is going so you are not sure whether the invite still stands or not.
I wouldn't really want my DD going now anyway in case she is made to feel unwelcome so I'd probably just say something like 'thanks but have received text from mum2 uninviting DD.'

zipzap · 18/06/2014 23:09

When DS was in Y2 he was told by one of his friends that he was going to be invited to his party, he was looking forward to it. Party came and went, no invite. I must have asked him when the party was as I realised he hadn't mentioned it - he just said that his friend had realised that he had got carried away and invited all the people he wanted to invite without realising that he had a limited number of spaces so several people couldn't go.

He was fine about it - and I wouldn't have dreamt of saying to the mum - what's up, he was invited, now he's not... because he never got a proper invite, it was just playground talk.

And reading this - sounds like your dd who did have a proper invite, is being pushed out for someone who just had a playground invite.

Given that there is the complication of 2 parents doing the inviting and one seems to be under the impression that your dd is going and is pleased about that, it definitely seems reasonable to talk to her to find out what is going on. Might be that there were 3 people that they jointly wanted to invite plus one extra girl each and the other girl is trying to manipulate it, you just don't know.

I would be tempted to say to dd in the morning that there seems to be some confusion as nice mum thinks she is going and is pleased she can come whereas nasty mum 2 thinks that she shouldn't have been invited. As it could get unpleasant in the playground if nice mum has said that your dd will be there and mum 2 has told her dd that you are not coming - at least that way your dd will be prepared and be able to say something about it being not clear or not sorted yet, rather than being forced into saying that she won't go (which for all we know the dd of the nice mum might be very upset by but the other girl would then take your dd's saying she's not going as extra validation for her other friend going). It does sound a shame if she does have to miss out as it sounds like it would be a fun thing for her to do, particularly with her group of friends - so even if she were to go at a later date, it wouldn't be the same as going with them.

matildasquared · 18/06/2014 23:17

And reading this - sounds like your dd who did have a proper invite, is being pushed out for someone who just had a playground invite....Given that there is the complication of 2 parents doing the inviting and one seems to be under the impression that your dd is going and is pleased about that, it definitely seems reasonable to talk to her to find out what is going on. Might be that there were 3 people that they jointly wanted to invite plus one extra girl each and the other girl is trying to manipulate it, you just don't know.

And now you want to set the two girls against each other and see who wins?

Either way, a little girl is going to get excluded, so really, why go there?

She's been disinvited. Just stay out of the whole mess.

starfishmummy · 18/06/2014 23:17

I vote for a mix up.
Nasty Mum doesn't know that OP's DD was invited by Nice Mum. So thinks her DD has asked another kid who there isn't room for.

Still not nice to uninvited her though

MrsRuffdiamond · 18/06/2014 23:25

Nasty Mum doesn't know that OP's DD was invited by Nice Mum. So thinks her DD has asked another kid who there isn't room for.

I think the original email inviting op's dd was copied to nasty mum and all the other invitees, as was the acceptance email from op, so nasty mum must have known perfectly well.

FiveFingerDeathPunch · 18/06/2014 23:26

just ring up nice mum, "SPEAK" to her and tell her that nasty mum has uninvited your dd
if nice mum turns mean and stands by that]
do you really want your dd there??
if nice mum says she is still invited, then go with that and
ignore mean mum and mini mean girl

DustyCropHopper · 19/06/2014 00:02

matildasquared Why do you feel the text mum has more say than the email mum? Only one side of a joint party has said she isn't invited, the other says she is. The op does need to clarify with both sides, so she needs to speak to email mum and explain what has been said in the texts and see what happens.
I also feel I must live in some sort of bubble as I have never been uninvited to a party, so not sure why this is a learning experience for a child. I am the type of parent who totally goes with life is tough, get used to it. You are not invited to that party, well that's their choice, your brother gots sweets from a classmate today, you didn't, oh well that's the way it goes. I would, however, raise an eyebrow if we received an invite to a party and then a day or more later get told we are no longer invited as the child has chosen some one else. My children know that once the invites are written, that's it, they are who you are inviting so no changing your mind. I also teach them that they are not invited to a party until we get a proper invite, so a playground you can come to my party' does not count.

Original poster
BatterseaGirl · 19/06/2014 07:45

So here's the update. I've had a very strange text from mean mum saying that what she meant was that she had promised her DD that she would pay for two children and she was going to ask me to contribute to the cost. I think she's back tracking but I guess I should give er the benefit of the doubt. The thing is I've now seen an email from one of the other mums saying that her DD can't go! So I think the situation is solved!

OP posts:
AggressiveBunting · 19/06/2014 07:52

Nice mum has kicked mean mum into touch- yay!

I doubt they'll be ahving a joint party next year after all this Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 19/06/2014 07:54

My goodness battersea the mentality of some. I am sure mum2 knew who was being invited, as mum 1 would have told her who she was inviting. You just cannot uninvited somebody, especially a child, that is downright nasty!

Canthisonebeused · 19/06/2014 07:55

I would very begrudgingly send my dd to this. I know at this age it's difficult to persuade them otherwise without getting them involved in the nitty gritty. But I really would not want my dd involved in this whole farce.

Why does this mum need to gatecrash other people's birthdays. She would be better just organising her own shit.