Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

[WestmorlandSausage]

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

Well I've just done similar thing but I was staying with one friend who I haven't seen in very long time and felt it would've been rude to her to try and see other friends too as wad such short visit anyway. Is it possible they were seeing other friends? Can see why you feel bit upset but there's loads of possibilities here.

I'd just see if they mention it next time you speak or if dh wants to casually ask re fb pics I guess he could but not worth dwelling on.

I am confused by all those saying 'perhaps they just wanted to be alone' when they went to the pub one evening! Unless it is a totally empty pub then there would have been other people around, so presumably they did not want to spend every minute of the weekend shagging in their room!

Why couldn't they have just mentioned to the OP that they were going to be at her local at X time, and invite them to join them? If they then wanted to do couply stuff, they could have just left the pub and gone back to their accommodation. That is the bit I find odd! I think I would be offended in the circumstances.

Everyone is right in saying it is up to the couple whether they contact the OP or not, but equally it is up to the OP how much she now values their friendship- she has every right to re-evaluate it if she feels like it.

people have been known to spend time together as a couple outside of the bedroom - you know having a meal, conversation etc.

It can be done in a pub (for example) and is a completely different experience to spending time with 3 other people.

"Also, they would say:"well, why did you not come over and say hi?!""

Bravepotato you are missing the full extent of my weirdness. The subtext in my superbly (if I say so myself) PA message is that the OP glimpsed them in the pub but the DH said she must have been mistaken because there was no way his BF would turn up at his local without letting him know.

You lot are all too nice and frankly need to pay attention if you want to compete in the Arsey Olympics.

I have this year won a silver medal in comeback suggestions on Mumsnet.

I also won a highly commended in the snotty texts category (pipped to the post by a corker of an example from someone whose boss wanted them to work unpaid overtime.)

And I am the undisputed World, European, Commonwealth and Olympic champion at Grudge-holding.

Why couldn't they have just mentioned to the OP that they were going to be at her local at X time, and invite them to join them? If they then wanted to do couply stuff, they could have just left the pub and gone back to their accommodation. That is the bit I find odd! I think I would be offended in the circumstances

Because they didn't want to ??!! Why be offended because someone does not choose to spend time with you? Why not be offended if someone expects you to contact them even if you don't want to?!
People are far too easily offended - its childish.

arf at tobiasfunke "The only way to find out whether it was a snub or not is to go on holiday and take a picture of you and your DH on your romantic break outside their house and see what they say."

Why not take a picture of yourselves shagging in their front garden?

People are far too easily offended - its childish

But we are all human beings with feelings, not everyone is bullet-proof and can just shrug stuff off. Does nothing offend you, ever? I don't think anyone can say if another person should be offended or not, just because they wouldn't be!!!

Yanbu I can see what you're saying, I would be wondering why too. I would just say in a friendly way something like " oh I see you were at our neck of the woods! Did you have a lovely time? Pics look great..you should have given us a shout we could have met in pub for a drink! " . You may just end up thinking to yourself that you have totally overreacted. .or you might end up thinking maybe they dont share the close friendship view that you have. If so them sod them! You sound like very friendly and accommodating people, so their loss!
I wouldn't worry unnecessarily. .but I would ask them..after all they have put pics on Facebook.

Because they didn't want to ??!! Why be offended because someone does not choose to spend time with you? Why not be offended if someone expects you to contact them even if you don't want to?!
People are far too easily offended - its childish.

All of this ^^

Stanley it's not just about the OP being offended - she and her DP are considering abandoning the friendship because of this hideous perceived/imagined slight, or at least not have the guy as best man. Her opinion of the couple has changed hugely and all because she has certain expectations of what people must do if they come geographically anywhere near her, and if they don't do this then it means they must hate the OP or want to offend her.

And as many of us are saying, its all in the OP's head - all of her offence is her's alone and most likely for absolutely no reason at all.

But we are all human beings with feelings, not everyone is bullet-proof and can just shrug stuff off. Does nothing offend you, ever? I don't think anyone can say if another person should be offended or not, just because they wouldn't be

You have to catch a hold if yourself when you're getting like this, though. It's funny, people are self absorbed enough to imagine this kind of a thing is a massive calculated snub, whereas the truth is, most people don't factor you in to thei plans and don't plan a weekend away to make you feel bad.

When you remember how unlikely other people are to bother planning to insult you, life is much easier.

But we are all human beings with feelings, not everyone is bullet-proof and can just shrug stuff off. Does nothing offend you, ever? I don't think anyone can say if another person should be offended or not, just because they wouldn't be!!!

People cannot live their lives tip toeing around people who get easily offended. No one offended the OP - They are not responsible for how she perceives things. No tbeing able to shrug things off is OPs problem and not theirs. God,..what if all friends were like this? no on ewoul dhave time to think about themselves at all in case their so called 'friends' got offended!

As for me getting offended - I can honestly say, no I don't. I do not have expectations of people. If people want to be with you - they will say so but I certainly would not 'expect' them to!

I would go against the grain here...if a friend I was so close to that I was considering for best man duties - and, crucially, who lived four hours away, meaning I didn't get to see them much - had come to my small town for a weekend, said nothing, and didn't even bother to go for an hour's drink with me, I would be pissed off. Maybe not as pissed off as your OP, but yes, I wouldn't think 'oh how wonderful'.

To be honest, if I wanted a quiet weekend away, I would not choose somewhere where close friends lived - there must be a million other places within a four hour radius. And I certainly wouldn't put facebook pictures up of me in their local!

I wouldn't write them off though just yet. As so many have said, it could be a few scenarios that are nothing to do with you, but they've just been a bit thoughtless. The first thing that pops into my head (what I might think in their situation!) is that 'if we contact them, we'll need to spend all weekend with them, and we just want to chill and spend time together and do our own thing'

YANBU Op, our BFs live in a beautiful part of the country, best men at each other's weddings, godparents to each other kids, but 5 hours drive away. If we went to stay in the area and didn't stay with them we would still go for a drink or meal with them. Can't imagine going to their local pub and not calling them up and saying come and have a pint. And if they did that to us I would be devastated. If we needed some alone time or a romantic weekend I wouldn't spend 5 hours in a car to get there, nor would I spend it five minutes from BFs house. But everyone is different and maybe they just love the place so much it was their get away destination of choice.

But, I do think you need to let it go and not keep analysing the situation. It's done now and so you have to get over it.

this thread has got me thinking of a couple of times years ago, when I have "offended" people to the extent they no longer wanted to be my friend.

At the time I racked my brains wondering what on earth could I have done to cause them such offense? I even asked them what on earth is wrong, what have I done? and got miffed sniffs but no proper reply.

So guess what I did - I just left them to it and moved on. If someone is going to "take offense" at somethings so slight I cannot know what it is, then frankly it's not a real friendship in the first place is it?

I totally agree with Vida on this.

We live in isolation from friends and family - our choice but there's nobody within a 3 hour drive. If someone I considered close enough to ask if they'd be my best man had visited the area and not been in touch, I would be a bit upset. Even a pint in the local pub one evening would have been fine, of course everyone's busy.

I wouldn't end the friendship though. Now that is OTT.

I don't think the op is thinking its a "massive calculated snub" just that since she was under the impression they
Are such close friends it would have been nice for them to have mentioned it. God its nice to be friendly and catch up with friends who live so far away..just a quick "hello we're having a much needed couple of days to ourselves but since we're so near wanted to say hello!"
If I was the girlfriend I would have wanted to meet my partners friends. .and I would think it a bit wierd my bf was taking me somewhere so near where close friends stay and not want to introduce me!

The OP has met the GF.

And I think when the OP says 'local' and 'nearby' she means 2-3 miles away, so it's not like they are staying in her village/hamlet/street.

I can kind of see it from the OP's POV. We live somewhere picturesque that's fairly off-the-beaten track, and our local (and the way it is somewhere we always take visitors) is just as the OP describes. I don't think I'd be offended as such, but I'd certainly be a bit weirded out if DH's BF (or any of our close friends for that matter) stayed within spitting distance and never mentioned it; because while it's a lovely part of the world, If they were wanting a nice private weekend away in the [countryside] why come and do it on our doorstep?

The day you realise that there is a larger than acceptable mismatch in the way you view a friendship and the way the other person views the friendship is the day it all changes.

Mentally downgrade them to a level that is not so hurtful - if someone you knew did this it wouldn't feel so bad. It's the fact it's a good friend who has done it that hurts.

Totally agree with Vida and ViviPru. This couple live 4 hours away. They could have chosen to go anywhere in the UK, or abroad come to that for a 'romantic weekend' or time alone or any of that, yet they went to this specific place where their friends live, where previously they have met up with said friends, and didn't meet them. It's odd. If DH and I wanted a romantic / quiet few days away, we wouldn't go to any of the small villages or towns where we have friends - that would be weird of us. It does suggest to me that maybe the guy wanted to meet up and then the gf said no, she didn't want to.

And when you live in the proper countryside (as opposed to a small town) then 2 or 3 miles is practically next door.

The fact that this has upset you so much maybe the reason why they did not mention it to you maybe ask yourself why you feel they should have contacted you

Not everyone wants to spend time with couples, they may be having problems in their life and needed some time alone, they may have not wanted company and they certainly do not need to explain to others where they are going and why they may not want to inform others

so they weren't visiting friends they were just there for a weekend on their own?

i'd say that was very odd.

If DH and I were having problems in [our] life and needed some time alone... not wanted company and.. not want to inform others I certainly wouldn't go and stay in the tiny remote seaside town where DH's BF lives, then post photos of it on Facebook...