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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

288 replies

WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:07

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 18/06/2014 10:59

YANBU OP.

I don't think you are needy at all.

If close friends live that far from me and were in my immediate vicinity, I would be upset that they didn't let me know. Even if they had no time to meet up, a quick text saying that would have been the nice thing friends would do.

I'm sure they had their reasons, and I wouldn't fall out with them at all over it, but YAdefinitelyNBU to have your very normal reaction to the situation.

DizzyKipper · 18/06/2014 10:59

would have been a bit awkward if we had bumped into them in the pub!

But why would it have been awkward? Do you have to know any and every time they're going to be in the area before they come?

DizzyKipper · 18/06/2014 11:05

Am I really overreacting thinking that the GF possibly doesn't like me and has told her DP not to tell us they are going to be in the area when he has always mentioned it every other time he has been around but can't see us?

Please don't go down that line of thought. It is always so easy to 'blame the partner' when something is said or done that a person doesn't like, I see it again and again and again. You actually have no idea why they didn't mention it - perhaps they were just so preoccupied that it didn't even occur to them on this occasion to say anything (and I'd still say they're not duty bound to inform you of every time they'll be in the area anyway). But when you start coming up with theories that place the blame on a particular person's door that can only lead to animosity and bad feelings, and worst of all the reason might have absolutely nothing to do with her!

Bowlersarm · 18/06/2014 11:05

Dizzy yes!

It would be really odd if the OP bumped into her closefriends around the corner from her house, four hours from their own home.

I am puzzled that you can't see that.

Bowlersarm · 18/06/2014 11:06

Dizzy-that to your previous post.

Davsmum · 18/06/2014 11:06

For goodness sake! People are not obliged to tell you if they are in your locality. They are also not obliged to explain to you why they did not visit.

Why on earth would they have to choose 'somewhere else to go' so as not to offend you by not visiting you?

If they did bump into you at the pub, that's it,..they bump into you - they do NOT owe you an explanation!

Davsmum · 18/06/2014 11:10

If people think like this - god knows what they are like with their partners/husbands - Must be bloody stifling.

Bowlersarm · 18/06/2014 11:13

Don't agree Davsmum

Firmly on team OP here. And I definitely don't 'stifle' my DH, whatever that has to do with it.

ApocalypseThen · 18/06/2014 11:17

It would be really odd if the OP bumped into her closefriends around the corner from her house, four hours from their own home.

You make it sound like they need a friend visa for that specific pub that their friends sometimes go. What's the exclusion zone? Can they go to a pub 10 minutes further down the road without clearance?

dreamingbohemian · 18/06/2014 11:18

Ok seriously, you think this is a normal thought process?

Him: Fancy going away for a romantic weekend?

Her: Sure! Just the two of us though, right?

Him: Of course. Where should we go?

Her: Well there's Cornwall... Devon... Scotland... oh hey, there's the whole Lake District thing.

Him: Okay. Let's go to that one tiny village where my best friend lives.

Her: Sure!

It's not that they HAVE to go somewhere else, it's just weird with a whole beautiful country to go to, they pick a tiny place they know people who they don't want to see.

It doesn't make them evil, but it's odd, and I think it's natural to wonder about odd things.

akwardsazzle · 18/06/2014 11:22

OP YANBU!!!

you have been given a hard time by some posters, very unfair. Of course you dont OWN the lakes, of course no one is OBLIGED to let you know what they are doing/where they are going etc. However, I live in the lakes, if one of my best friends drove 4 hours to come to where I lived without saying they were coming I would be very hurt. Its odd. if they came to the lakes and didnt tell me, fine, if they stayed in my village without telling me? how can people not see that that is strange??!!!

you don't sound needy, or intense, or anything. you sound fine! them staying so close and not even mentioning is strange! people are odd if they cant see that! if i visited big city 200 miles away where my friend lives i wouldn't feel the need to tell her, (but i would anyway!), if i visited her bloody street and called into her local - of course I would.

BeCool · 18/06/2014 11:22

just don't know why they didn't say.
Because it is none of your business that is why.

DizzyKipper · 18/06/2014 11:23

Not at all, I'd see it as a pleasant surprise rather than an awkward situation. I think the difference is in whether you feel people have to let you know if they're going to be in the area or not.

Davsmum · 18/06/2014 11:27

What is NOT a normal thought process is to make up stuff in your head just because someone has the audacity to be near where you live and they have had the bloody cheek not to let YOU know.

Sometimes - people just do not want to be bothered visiting and they do not think they have to explain that to you. Cos- they don't!

If you want friends who have to answer to you - find like minded friends.

nilbyname · 18/06/2014 11:28

This is the best bit of advice I can give you and I would feel the same (irrationally) as you!

it is not about you There will be many good reasons why they have not been in touch, possibly something sensitive, possibly not, and when you hearit, you will feel like such a fool for getting your knickers in a twist!

I can get quite sensitive and anxious about friendships and it is something I am working on, so I do say this with care. try and shrug it off. Let your DH talk to his mate about it, but I am sure it is really a non issue.

akwardsazzle · 18/06/2014 11:31

maybe its just nice to have friends who think abut your feelings though? Thats what makes people friends, a relationship where you do have some accountability for your actions towards your friend? people can do what they like of course, a friend could blank you in the street... they don't HAVE to say hi. fancy needing that kind of validation from your best friend? sheeesh!!!

BeeBlanket · 18/06/2014 11:39

No, I can easily imagine how they could come to that decision.

...It is so lovely here, let's have a romantic weekend sometime in that dreamy country house hotel/spa/campsite whatever that we saw...
I want to just hang out, shag and chill....
I am mega-stressed with work, would it be OK if we don't see anyone, I just can't face socialising...
Shall we go to that fab pub in xx village for a quick drink.

What OP may not understand is that for some people socialising, any socialising, yes even with close friends, equals effort, work and stress. It may be fun but it is not a way to wind down. I am like this and if I need a proper break/weekend off, "off" means not having to smile and chat and make arrangements and be polite about someone's cooking etc etc etc etc etc.

It may be that the GF felt like this and the BF wanted her to enjoy her weekend.

ExitPursuedByABear · 18/06/2014 11:49

I don't think YABU.

I can totally understand how you feel. I would be seriously upset if good friends who were normally a 4 hour drive away were hanging out in my local pub without telling me.

Yes maybe you are over reacting, but I am right I there over reacting with you.

LemonSquares · 18/06/2014 11:52

Thinking about it I offended a friend in this way when we visited a city we used to live in.

We were with very young DC and only had a weekend and did travel a considerable distance.

We did a meet up centrally with a huge number of DH friends before going on to a DC friendly sight and next day travelled to new house of one of my close friends – before going to another DC friendly sight.

The friends we saw had made efforts to see us there in new location and there - and we were on a tight time table. It wasn’t a secrete but I didn't make plans or discuss our visit with another close friend there as we couldn't fit it in and she had form for being very late. I did really want to see her it just wasn't practical, especailly with young DC who got tired and I certainly meant no offense.

We also ran into other friends during the visit on the street - there was nothing but delight to see each other and spend a few minutes catching up - we couldn't spend longer as both were busy.

The very rural location does make it slightly odder – but doesn’t mean they meant to offend you.

KERALA1 · 18/06/2014 12:14

I would be upset too op.

However don't say anything it will make you look like a needy whiner. I would try to persuade myself that they wanted a romantic getaway and to see nobody all weekend which sometimes couples like to do and are perfectly entitled to and is no reflection on you

pictish · 18/06/2014 12:40

All of you saying that they should have let OP and her DH know they were in the area, despite not having plans to meet up anyway....WTF?

"Hi...just to let you know we're staying in the B&B down the road, but won't be making arrangements to see you."

No!! That's like the most awkward text ever!!

Viviennemary · 18/06/2014 12:47

You shouldn't take it personally. They just wanted a holiday on their own without visiting people. I can't see the harm in that.

BravePotato · 18/06/2014 12:50

posting things on FB like suggested:

"Ha ha ha! I have just won £20 from DH. I was SURE it was you we saw in the pub, but he said it couldn't have been!"

would be beyond weird.

Are so many people weird game players? It sounds quite unhinged.

Also, they would say:"well, why did you not come over and say hi?!"

Massive weirdo's here, no wonder some people try to avoid some other people!

CarpetBagger · 18/06/2014 12:51

YANBU we have had this too...but there is nothing you can do about it. Just accept you are further down their priorities than you thought.

Its hurtful and there is no way I would go near people i saw occasionaly like this and not tell them

CarpetBagger · 18/06/2014 12:51

AND....if we did do it def wouldnt post it on FB?!