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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

288 replies

WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:07

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

OP posts:
whois · 18/06/2014 18:15

Exactly VivaPru!

I wouldn't be 'offended' but I would be a it upset on realising they didn't view our friendship in the same way I did.

Surely that's normal?

heraldgerald · 18/06/2014 18:24

Totally agree whois and vivapru. I'd think it was certainly strange and I would be hurt.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/06/2014 18:34

I think people are missing the fact that the OP's partner spoke to the man in this couple up to five times in the week before the break - to not mention it at all is a deliberate thing, there, isn't it. If he'd said "oh yeah, we're heading to Yourvillage this weekend, but we're just on a flying visit so won't be able to pop over, but we'll be back for longer soon I hope!" no-one would have been put out. We're all adults and we know that sometimes couples want to be alone FGS. It's the weird cover-up.

Unless, I dunno, he might have wanted to propose at a specific location there and keep it a secret until afterwards?

everlong · 18/06/2014 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 18/06/2014 18:36

I wouldn't abandon a friendship over that, but...

DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding

...I would think hard about choosing someone else. You've got evidence they aren't quite the very close friends you thought -- which is fine, no problem. I understand why OP's DH wants a closer mate instead as his BM.

ps: I have had friends who did this & I filed away in my mind what I thought it meant, too.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/06/2014 18:37

Hey but look on the bright side. My Ex-P of several years thought it a good idea to bring the girl he started shagging just after we broke up (I think it was after) hundreds of miles across the country, to the remote place where my family live, and drop her off in our local while he popped in to visit my folks. And he didn't understand why I minded that either.

Davsmum · 18/06/2014 18:45

If he'd said "oh yeah, we're heading to Your village this weekend, but we're just on a flying visit so won't be able to pop over, but we'll be back for longer soon I hope!"

I think the OP would have been just as offended if they had done this. I also suspect the reason they did not mention it, is because they know the OP & DH well enough to know they would have out pressure on them to visit or meet up.
The GF may not be keen to spend time with them,...who knows? whatever the reason - they are perfectly entitled to do what they want and keep it to themselves.

fluffyraggies · 18/06/2014 19:57

Have read whole thread and still think what i did at the very start:

They love the area, wanted to spend time there alone as a couple, but didn't tell you because they weren't sure that you'd be ok with ''we're near you this weekend but wont drop in''. So they didn't mention it. Not crime of the century. I think they were trying to do the right thing.

Therefore the rest of it seems to boil down to:
Is it not ok to travel a long distance to an area which happens to be where some friends live if you have no intention of meeting up with the friends? ...

... Or is it only ok if you announce your intention to be there but not see them, and hope they don't mind?

Surely 2 adults can revisit an area without making contact with the people they know there?

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 18/06/2014 20:18

My Brother did this to me very recently: it was a day visit to see a friend of mine who I introduced him to who lives about a 15 minute walk away/3 minutes in the car, who I see several times a week. I was livid, especially as he last visited us about five years ago and totally hijacked a recent visit we made to my Parents. I challenged him. I don't feel it went well. We are still "talking" because we are family, but I have made it clear how out-of-order I think he was, dropped him in it with our Mother and don't intend to bother making an effort for him (e.g. he likes us all together for a meal on the w/e near his Birthday and we have the four youngest children and live furthest away, so it is major hassle always unrewarding but what we do annually. Probably won't bother this year and will tell him why). When we visit my Parents, I let my Siblings know we're coming, as most of them live a mile or two away and, usually, try to nip in for half-an-hour to see the children.

FreudiansSlipper · 18/06/2014 20:28

what is weird about liking a place (where your friends happen to live) but wanting to spend time alone

there is just no need to announce that you wish to visit somewhere and not want others company nothing weird or strange at all

Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 21:19

Hi all, sorry been at work all day.

I think I overreacted last night when I first realised where the photos were taken. On that front IABU.

We probably won't mention anything to them.

However I do still think it is weird and I have struggled not to read into it why they did it as I was already feeling a little unsure about my friendship with the GF.

I do still feel a little hurt that for whatever reason they didn't want to tell us that they were around but that is my issue and not theirs.

In the cold hard light of day I get there are probably a number of reasons why this might have happened.

I need to get out more and get other friends (thanks for that character assassination some of you Grin)

I think I might take some time out from mumsnet Flowers for everyone who 'got' my insecurities.

OP posts:
Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 21:27

Oh... and we really wouldn't have minded if they didn't want to see us for those that have doubted that. We were due to catch up with them in a few weeks anyway when we visit where they live for an event. We would probably have said, ''ooh have a lovely time, we will catch up with you on such and such a date''.

Which is why we thought it was odd that when we have only spoken to them a few days earlier they didn't mention they would be staying nearby to us.

OP posts:
Hassled · 18/06/2014 21:29

FWIW I completely get your insecurities. I had a similar wobble when I realised friends who live several hours away had been 30 minutes from us on holiday and not got in touch - and in my case these friends aren't nearly as close as yours sound (certainly not potential best man sort of friends). It's just one of those things that's a bit shit and a bit baffling but you have to shrug off - that doesn't mean it's easy.

QuickQuickSloe · 18/06/2014 21:29

I completely get you OP, I live in a similar area - rural beauty spot, lovely for holidays and was very hurt when my best friend came back from London for a weekend but didn't hook up with me. Again, I saw the photos on bloody Facebook.

Can your DH not just ring his friend and have a chat about it?

maggiethemagpie · 18/06/2014 21:32

They probably thought that if they mentioned it, you would get upset if you realised they weren't going to see you. So they thought it better to keep quiet.

Like you, I'd be very upset and question whether the friendship was all I had thought it was. But if this is a one off, and most of the time you get on ok, I would let it slide.

Bowlersarm · 18/06/2014 21:33

OP, don't take an MN break!

I'm 100% with you. Their behaviour was odd. I'm astonished anyone thinks otherwise.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2014 21:33

Aww, don't flounce

I will come visit you. Get the Wine in Grin

Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 21:36

I'm not flouncing, but as DP has pointed out it probably wasn't a particularly healthy thing to do posting it on MN Blush

I've been told off and its been suggested to me I might take a break for a bit and return to the real world Grin.

OP posts:
RRRJ83 · 18/06/2014 21:38

Haven't read all these responses but I can see why you're both a bit miffed. Why not comment on the pictures that it would be nice to see them next time they're over. See what they say to that?

AnotherOneBitestheDust · 18/06/2014 21:41

Yeah, I agree....stay!

You sound really nice and kind, maybe a little over-sensitive, but I would react the same way, so maybe I am a little over-sensitive too. Wink I totally get that it wasn't that they didn't want to see you but that they didn't mention it. That's odd if you normally discuss most things.

Chin up, eh? Now, when can I visit? Grin

ovenchips · 18/06/2014 21:42

I do think it's rather unusual given the level of friendship that a)they holidayed so near to you and made zero plans to see if you wanted to meet up and b)never referred to it beforehand.

I would be scratching my head for ages after that to be honest. And feel a bit hurt too.

I am imagining them in the pub near to OP nervously looking towards the door every time someone comes in, thinking "Phew thank goodness it wasn't Westmorland and DH. That would be awkward to explain". Odd.

Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 21:44

DP has come up with a sensible plan to tackle it that should lead to no embarrassment for them or us. Glad at least one of us is rational!

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 18/06/2014 21:50

I get why you were pissed off OP

Spockster · 18/06/2014 22:01

What is DP's plan?
I would simply phone friend and say, " I saw on FB you were in our manor last w/e, did you have a good time?"..and wait for explanation.

Wickeddevil · 18/06/2014 22:08

Westmorland, I do get where you are coming from, and can see that you are feeling hurt, but I wonder if you would let me give you another side of this?

In my early 20's I once visited a cousin in my home town without telling my parents, I just wanted a short visit and did not want to spend the whole day / eat lunch and tea and all that would have been required of me. My parents found out as a neighbour had seen my car, and were hurt, this was understandable, but they handled it by having an almighty row with me about it.

What do you think the result is?

The answer is that I rarely go home; even though my home town has lots going on, and it would be a great place for us to spend time as a family. My DM and late DF are /were not people you can just pop in on and it would not be acceptable to pop round for a cuppa after an afternoon out. Instead we go out as a family elsewhere and visit DM, for a whole day as per her expectations, but very infrequently.

My point is, that I think it is highly likely that your friend's weekend was about them and not you, so not worth wrecking a good friendship over, by making them feel uncomfortable about their choices.