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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

288 replies

WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:07

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

OP posts:
Weathergames · 18/06/2014 00:29

Surely if they were keeping it a secret the would not have blatantly gone into your local as you may have been in there which would be even more awkward?

AnyFucker · 18/06/2014 00:30

OP, I think you need a hobby

Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:31

AnyFucker I think it has just really upset me as I thought we were close enough to them that they knew we wouldn't be offended if they said they were coming to the lakes but couldn't see us. I was semi joking about the cutting the fuckers loose thing.

I'm glad you think I am usually 'normal' Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/06/2014 00:32

Well, you are usually normal. Smile

wishmynamewasdave · 18/06/2014 00:32

I'd just comment on the picture of your local pub with "Love our local pub, we're in there most weekends surprised we didn't bump into you - hope you had a great time!"

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/06/2014 00:32

I can understand why you're upset. I think maybe some people on here don't get it because they live in cities rather than remote country places, or because they don't know what it's like to have friends who live hours away and who you really look forward to seeing. If I were living in London and friends visited the city and didn't tell me, totally fine, there are loads of reasons to come. If I were living in my very remote home town, and close friends happened to visit what is a very small and specific part of the country, where we've all spent time together before, and not tell me - well, I think that's weird. And hurtful, yes. Because there are SO many places to go, to be practically on your best friend's doorstep and not at least drop them a text is weird. YANBU.

Weathergames · 18/06/2014 00:32

But you aren't ok with it Confused

wafflyversatile · 18/06/2014 00:32

Maybe she doesn't like you, or not enough to be wanting to visit you as often as he would himself. Maybe she did say 'I love the lake district, can we go for a weekend? But can we not meet up with X & Y like usual. Y is ok I suppose but she gets on my tits for a whole weekend'

I know I get on people's tits sometimes. Oh well. Never mind.

MidniteScribbler · 18/06/2014 00:36

Is there some law now that you have to warn old friends that you are on their 'turf'?

Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:37

Weathergames They won't have realised that something they took a picture of in the background is unique to that pub. Otherwise the pictures are fairly anonymous.

I get I'm being oversensitive because I know I am. But it has upset me and made me question whether we as a couple have completely misread the friendship and that that they don't have the same view of it as we do. They are quite friendly sociable people and we are semi reclusive due to our fairly rural location. We look forward to spending time with them, perhaps they don't feel the same. Either way it is sad and a bit of a shock for us.

OP posts:
Weathergames · 18/06/2014 00:41

How often do they actually contact you?

Do you do most of the running?

Maybe you guys are more into them than they into you and I get when you live remotely it's good to have company.

I understand why you are hurt.

Burren · 18/06/2014 00:43

I have on several occasions not told friends I was visiting their vicinity because I wanted time to concentrate on something else without having to go into explanations as to why I wasn't up for spending time with them this time. It indicates nothing about my fondness for them, just that other things were going on.

HiAndBye · 18/06/2014 00:44

I think it's an odd thing for them to have done. If your DH is in contact with the guy so regularly then it is weird not to have mentioned it. Its a bit dishonest. I agree that there is nothing wrong with them not seeing you and wanting to do their own thing but the deceitfulness is a bit strange. I'd suggest your DH mentions it to his friend. He could do it in a jokey manner if he wants.

OP, if it makes you feel better I will offer to come and stay with you instead. It sounds like you live in a beautiful part of the country and you sound like you would be lovely hosts Grin I'm not sure if you would want my DH as a best man though so I won't mind if your DH sticks with his 2nd choice.

Madamecastafiore · 18/06/2014 00:46

Oooooohhhh you sound like the sort of person DH would do the weird do do, do do music about, whilst looking around frantically.

Seriously. They wanted some time alone.

Or maybe they have cut you loose for being a bit stalkery weirdo?

Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:47

Its pretty equal contact between DP and his/ our friend. They invite us to theirs more often than they have stayed at ours as we have mutual friends that live in the city they do that we all meet up and see when we stay.

We definitely don't do the majority of the running.

Thinking back now in my clearly overreacting state Grin we stayed at theirs for new year and there was an incident. the GF got really drunk and did/ said some stuff I think she will probably have regretted in the morning. We weren't involved but was very awkward the next day but perhaps she still feels embarrassed?

OP posts:
ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 18/06/2014 00:48

My best friend lives 250 miles away. If she visited 2 miles from me and went for a meal in my home town and put pictures on FB without having mentioned it in passing, I would find that a bit weird as it would be such an out of character way for her to behave having known her for 25 years. It is something that could be resolved though.
I totally get that people are free to do as they please and don't have time to fit everything/everyone in, but I think it is a bit odd not to have mentioned it if your DP and his friend are in regular contact, particularly as they were in your local and live 400 miles away. He could easily have said how much he loved your area so he was taking his GF away for a romantic weekend there, of course you'd understand why they didn't visit. But then again, this is blokes we are talking about.
I think you are getting some really harsh reactions on the thread. Maybe in a few days, your DP will feel a bit more 'oh whatever' and put it behind him.

mithuseretrod · 18/06/2014 00:52

when i go back to my home country i'm too passive and I don't contact people even though i want to see them really. i assume they'll have better things to do. i'm not in a couple.

I would just wait a while and then send a message saying "next time you're up here call in to us!". (up? down?).

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2014 00:55

Totally not a problem with them having couples time, totally not a problem with them not visiting, just don't know why they didn't say...would have been a bit awkward if we had bumped into them in the pub!

This ^^ says it all for me

Why on earth would it be awkward because two adults in a free world, decided to have a drink in your local pub?

Seriously, you keep saying you're 'OK with it all' but you're clearly not.

They probably see that too. You're not their parents and they don't have to announce their plans or justify them to you and your DP.

Chill...honestly!

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 18/06/2014 00:58

Honestly? I do think that you are overreacting a wee bit. I have a family member who lives in one of mine and DP's favourite cities. I absolutely love seeing this family member, but DP and I have often said that we'd like to visit this city without having to stay with this relative. This is no reflection on him, we both love spending time with him. It's just that we'd love to stay in a nice hotel in this city, have a few days just the two of us, and tbh, shag loads without worrying about my relative hearing us. He'd be really offended if we didn't stay with him though, so we have considered going there and not telling him. Could it be something like that?

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2014 00:59

And again, you're blaming the girlfriend's possible embarrassment at what happened before, instead of simply accepting that they are their own people and free to do as they please.

Lots of people I know visit/pass through my area

I don't own the Monopoly on it just because I live here. I'm quite sure they were just doing their own thing and it's in no way personal to you, your DP or anything to do with past 'embarrassment'.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 18/06/2014 01:01

But Shadows if you told him you want to shag loads and noisily, surely he'd be fine about it Grin

Original poster
WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 01:02

We have been friends for quite a few years and our friend has often visited the area without seeing us but previously has always mentioned it. He and DP have a 'mates rates' business relationship as well with DP doing something for our friend out of work hours that helps him further his career. In the week leading up to them staying nearby and not telling us he and DP had probably spoken/text/emailed each other every night.

Its not like being in a big anonymous city, we are talking a few houses and fields between us when they stayed. If they were wanting a nice private weekend away in the lakes why come and do it on our doorstep?

OP posts:
CrystalSkulls · 18/06/2014 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBearPad · 18/06/2014 01:11

Because when they've stayed with you they liked it.

Because they got a bargain break on the internet and it happened to be on your turf

I doubt it was because they wanted to upset you.

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2014 01:12

If they were wanting a nice private weekend away in the lakes why come and do it on our doorstep?

Jeez because they can? Because they're allowed to? Because you don't own the area you live in? Confused

If you're determined to take this as a personal slight then go ahead, but meanwhile in the real world, other people just get on with their lives without announcing their every move.