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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends visited locally and didn't tell us

288 replies

WestmorlandSausage · 18/06/2014 00:07

We live in the lake district. Lovely village, we have plenty of space for people to stay and alway make people welcome and let them know that if they want to stay they just need to let us know. We are very easy going, probably to laid back/ walkovers.

Some really good friends (or so we thought) who live about 4 hrs away have just posted pictures on facebook that show they have been within 2 - 3 miles of us all of last weekend. They have even been in our favourite local pub that we take them to every time they come. DP considers the man in the couple to be his best friend and was going to ask him to be best man at our wedding the next time we visited them. TBF we don't know his GF as well as we know him (we both know him from university) but have stayed at theirs about 6 - 7 times and him at ours more times over the years. GF has never stayed but there has always been a 'genuine' reason why.

They didn't breath a word that they we coming into the area. They clearly don't actually like us do they? DP is gutted, I feel so sorry for him and a bit guilty as my suspicion is that it is me the GF has the problem with.

In fairness to them they have tried to hide that they have been here and haven't said where the pictures were taken but the locations are so familiar to us (being locals) that it is obvious.

I'm just annoyed that they clearly felt they had to hide it, if they had said we are coming to the lakes but probably won't have time to catch up then that would have been fine .... we were pretty busy anyway!

AIBU to tell DP to pick his second choice best man and cut the fuckers loose or should we man up and talk about it with them like grownups?

OP posts:
Footle · 18/06/2014 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motleymop · 18/06/2014 13:01

dreamingbohemian sums it up perfectly!!

SuperFlyHigh · 18/06/2014 13:10

If I had a pound for every time I'd done this I'd be rich.

sometimes I'm with a boyfriend/friends etc near other friends/relatives houses/villages (far away from me) - sometimes it's planned sometimes it isn't.

sometimes we drop into see them sometimes we/they don't have time or we're just not up to it.

you're massively overthinking this OP. and also overthinking the importance of them as friends in your life perhaps.

pictish · 18/06/2014 13:11

You shouldn't take it personally. They just wanted a holiday on their own without visiting people. I can't see the harm in that.

So much that.

I bet they just like the area and wanted time there on their own, not having to stay with/meet up with/consider anyone else.
There is nothing wrong with that at all. There is no 'just a quick' when it comes to other people. Sometimes you just greedily want the whole time to yourself.
And that's allowed.

tobiasfunke · 18/06/2014 13:18

The only way to find out whether it was a snub or not is to go on holiday and take a picture of you and your DH on your romantic break outside their house and see what they say.

pictish · 18/06/2014 13:19

Ha ha! Grin

pictish · 18/06/2014 13:34

I am put in mind of a weekend away in Northumberland with dh's aunt once. She had friends down there, and scheduled a couple of 'quick' visits while we were there.
Bang went my weekend away.

I'll concede it is a bit odd for the couple to choose the same village when they could go anywhere, but I'm the sort of person who likes to go somewhere different every time. Lots of people seem to like going back to the same place again and again though. This is the Lake District we're talking about, so it's not as weird as it would be somewhere else.
I'm assuming they just really like the area and wanted to return to it alone.

Batmansbuttocks · 18/06/2014 13:34

How weird, OP you are NOT overreacting Shock

I live in a very small place which is a also a famous holiday resort and would be horrified if close friends came and went to my 'local' and posted pictures on Facebook.

I'm afraid I would assume they did not like me (or my DH) or whatever. I mean, come on? Who here would go to a specific tiny place on the map where their 'best' friend lives and not tell them?

They MUST have had the chat "where shall we go?" "lets go to where Westmoreland sausage lives, it's lovely there" shall we meet up with Westmoreland sausage?" "God no!" "Let's not even mention we've been as it will make her realise we don't like her that much".

Otherwise it's just weird - you don't go to very small places where your friends live and don't meet up with them - THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

I'm sorry OP, one or t'other of them doesn't like you or your partner - I've been there and it's a shitty feeling Flowers

BeCool · 18/06/2014 13:49

I just can't see "Let Sausage know we will be in the area but just want to be by ourselves & let's hope she doesn't take offence" being on anyone's to-do-in-prep-for-weekend-away-by-ourselves list.

JustSpeakSense · 18/06/2014 13:54

You are overreacting, they wanted a weekend just the two of them. You are overthinking this and may end up damaging a good friendship because of it.

SJBean · 18/06/2014 13:58

Batsman bucks I agree with you. It is really weird that they didn't contact you at all to suggest even just popping by for a coffee. How odd! That's how you keep friendships going by making an effort! If we all couldn't be bothered to drop in on people when we could the world would be a pretty sad place. Not saying they should've devoted much of their 'couple time' to you guys but an hour surely wouldn't have hurt?!

pictish · 18/06/2014 14:00

But it's never 'an hour' is it? It's two, or mostly likely three!

squatcher · 18/06/2014 14:04

I can totally see why you are so hurt by this OP - similar has happened to us. Well actually with DH's family who live more than 4 hours drive away and who we make the effort to go and see at least three times a year but they always say it's "such a long journey" down to us (clearly the journey in reverse is infinitely more taxing...). Only for us to see on FB that they had stayed very near to us on one occasion and on another had been down for a day to a sodding football match! It was a blessing for me in a way as I no longer feel guilty about not making more of an effort to travel up to see them but poor DH was gutted.

gobbynorthernbird · 18/06/2014 14:07

As pictish says, it's probably a few hours. If they only have a day and a half over the weekend (assuming driving up Friday after work, home Sunday afternoon) that's a big chunk.

BeCool · 18/06/2014 14:13

but they didn't want to pop by for a coffee - they wanted a weekend away just the 2 of them. it's not a crime, it's not an insult, it doesn;t mean they don't like you.

It may have even crossed their mind to tell the OP and then:
they thought it's a can of worms lets not go there;
or they forgot;
or they just got on with their weekend and before they knew it the weekend was over;

or they didn't think of it, as it's not at all relevant.

Xmasbaby11 · 18/06/2014 14:26

Yanbu - it is weird that they didn't mention it directly. As you say, totally understandable if they didn't want to meet up, but just odd not to mention it! I would assume they were not good friends, sorry. If they didn't even think about you when they went to your local, they are pretty self absorbed.

DeWee · 18/06/2014 14:39

Well, I doubt you would have felt better about it if they'd told you first. I mean can you imagine how badly OP'd have reacted if they'd said "We're going to be in the area, but we're not coming to see you!"

Wouldn't occur to me to say. It was probably along the lines of "oh yes, I know a good pub, I've been there before".
Some people like to go to familiar places-my dp have been holidaying for over the last 30 years in the same place, and like that they know the best place to go for a take away, for a meal out, where the best days out/beaches etc. are.

I've had friends who have been in the local area and not come to see us. Fine, other times they do come to see us. Nice if they do, if they don't I assume they have other things they want to do.

Needaninsight · 18/06/2014 14:46

Why would it have been awkward if you'd have bumped into them?

Genuinely confused here!

BeCool · 18/06/2014 14:49

I mean can you imagine how badly OP'd have reacted if they'd said "We're going to be in the area, but we're not coming to see you!"

YY there would be a thread about it - why are my friends going to my local pub but don't want to invite me? They must hate me?

Maybe they thought about calling quickly and then decided to skip it as it may create a massive drama and everyone would end up offended & upset?

LondonNicki · 18/06/2014 14:53

I wouldn't appreciate of I went on a romantic weekend to a popular tourist spot and my Bf insisted we spend time with his old friend and his wife.... The reason they hid it is because they feared you would react badly.
And you have so they were proven right weren't they?

Hullygully · 18/06/2014 14:55

If you are really proper friends then it is definitely weird.

I would ask them why they didn't tell you, I'd have to know.

Hullygully · 18/06/2014 14:57

They didn't have to stay with you, they could have met you for a long/short drink, a coffee or even said that they were having a weekend completely on their own. But it is deffo weird to do it all secret squirrel. And to then post photos on fb...well, perhaps I am old and have manners that have dated. But gracious.

BeCool · 18/06/2014 15:13

They didn't do it all secret squirrel though.
They just didn't ask the OP's "permission" before going on a weekend away together Confused

If they were being "secret squirel" (I love saying those words) then they would not have gone to the OP's local.

MrsHarryRamsden · 18/06/2014 15:22

OP, I would be upset if this happened too. Can't explain it on a rational level but I can see where you are coming from, esp as you live in an out of the way area, not a big city.

Mutley77 · 18/06/2014 15:23

I think it's really hard - we have twice this year visited somewhere we know people. We have both times contacted them and met up briefly - but both have been a little disappointed (obvious from their reaction) that we didn't tell them sooner and go to stay with them.

While we appreciate that both families are extremely hospitable and we would have enjoyed time with them, this year we really need to prioritise time for us a as a nuclear family for various reasons. Also, we are not necessarily an easy family to accommodate (toddler who has tendency to destruct, pre-schooler who sometimes bed wets and another child) - and to start with we need at least 2 bedrooms.!!! We know that the families in question wouldn't have minded this but we would have felt a bit beholden - plus we do need time to ourselves, not being polite in someone else's home no matter how well we know them!

I do understand why you're a bit hurt but please try and see it their way. I would feel annoyed in your position if they had stayed with another family and not contact you but if they were having a bit of time out - fair enough IMO.