Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my 3 year old can't be a racist?

264 replies

DroppingIn · 18/06/2014 00:05

Nursery pulled me over when I picked up DS yesterday to tell me that DS did not want to share with another boy apparently and when he was asked why said he said it was because the other boy was 'black'.

We talked about it on the way home and about people looking different colours and how we are all the same. It is not something that has ever come up before although there are quite a few black DC/Asian in his nursery.

I was not going to tell him off for saying the other DC was black as he is. I also was not going to tell him off for not sharing in this particular instance as DS is normally very good at sharing but I have seen several instances where other DC have snatched stuff off him and it being dressed up as 'sharing' which gets on my tits tbh.

I am concerned now that the nursery is going to have him down as a mini racist and of course, the parents of the other boy being told about it and thinking there may be more to it than there is.

What to do?

OP posts:
softlysoftly · 18/06/2014 02:09

Well if this were a court of law I suppose I'd have to dig through all old UKIP thread posts and "prove" it. Luckily it's mumsnet and I have too little respect for your good opinion to bother so I'll just award myself a shiny for your well done and be satisfied Grin

And to the actual debate?

softlysoftly · 18/06/2014 02:11

Agree gertie why does saying you see the person not the colour mean you can't see racism? I don't get it?

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 02:12

gertie who knows, each to their own.

I think the problem with just seeing the person argument is inevitably someone's race is intrinsically linked to that person and who they are. So you have to see it, you have no choice, people are proud of their races and so they should be. To take that away from someone is to deny them something so personal to them. Yes they have there own unique personality but it has been shaped and moulded somewhat by their culture and race. To take away their race is and refuse to acknowledge it is taking away a major part of that person IMO

caruthers · 18/06/2014 02:12

Well if this were a court of law I suppose I'd have to dig through all old UKIP thread posts and "prove" it.

You wont find any.

Happy sleuthing for your imaginary holy grail.

Shouting racist at people just makes you look silly :)

PrincessBabyCat · 18/06/2014 02:18

Agree gertie why does saying you see the person not the colour mean you can't see racism? I don't get it?

Because you as a white person have the luxury of not having to see race. You are the default in every piece of media, advertisement, book, and movie. A white person is a blank slate and therefore you do not need to think about your race because you are represented equally in every role as good guy, bad guy, idiot, and genius.

A person of color does not have that luxury. They are bombarded every day with their race not being represented, and when it is, it's a stereotype or a caricature. Or they are thrown in the background as the token minority to make a cast seem diverse. The reinforces the idea that the default is the superior choice.

When you don't see race or don't acknowledge it, why does this norm have to change. If everyone is the same, then why does it matter that the default is white? If the default is the go to choice, and everything else is an after thought, how can all races possibly be equal.

When you refuse to see race, it keeps the status quo and it keeps the default white, when the default should be every color equally represented.

Does that make sense?

MwahMum · 18/06/2014 02:20

PrincessBabyCat

Did I ever tell anyone here I was white?

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 02:21

And to return to 3 year olds....

Talk of not being able to see different skin colours or everyone being the same is just confusing to small children not to mention nauseatingly twee

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 02:22

Makes sense to me princess but the PC brigade won'tsee it that way.

They believe we shouldn't even acknowledge race, which in my opinion is heartbreaking. My DP loves his mixed ethnicity and the fact he is different, from anyone else, and so he should. I wouldn't dream of removing that pride from him or tell him he must acknowledge it.

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 02:23

Must Not acknowledge it. That should have said.

gertiegusset · 18/06/2014 02:23

I understand what you are saying Boudicca, I would add that sometimes someone from a different culture becomes part of a new culture, where do you mark the difference, when does someone from a different culture or even race, become part of a new one.
This is not to refuse or ignore the other/old race but to become integral to the new one.
Does skin colour always mean there will be a bar?

IYSWIM?

MwahMum · 18/06/2014 02:24

My DP loves his mixed ethnicity and the fact he is different

You keep on using the term "different" an ethnicity doesn't make you "different"

softlysoftly · 18/06/2014 02:25

But Boudica that's assuming their culture is linked to their race and therefore defining them by skin colour.

There are 2 problems with that. Firstly if a person is "Asian" does that link to a certain culture? No. The Nepalese people I know have a very very different culture to the Bengalis and the Pakistanis and the Indians and the Turkish. But they all look like a homogenous group I suppose in terms of skin colour.

Secondly what if the cultural attachments just aren't there? In this day and age a child could very easily appear to be of a colour that would reflect a culture but not have any awareness of it. DDs would define their culture as Welsh at the moment I suspect! But will no doubt get the "where are you from? No where are you really from?" question.

TraceyTrickster · 18/06/2014 02:28

My daughter does not want to live in Singapore because they all have 'Chinese faces'.
Turns out it is because she (half Chinese) wants to look different to everyone else.

Kids usually see things in simple terms.

PrincessBabyCat · 18/06/2014 02:28

Talk of not being able to see different skin colours or everyone being the same is just confusing to small children not to mention nauseatingly twee

I'm pretty sure what I was taught as a kid was all the colors equal a rainbow and each color was equally important and a rainbow couldn't be complete without all of them.

caruthers · 18/06/2014 02:31

Actually seeing a difference isn't the same as treating the person who's different differently from anyone else....registering the difference by eye shouldn't mean that you are going to treat them any worse or better than anyone else.

Refusing to even admit that 3 year olds in particular wont notice that difference is hand wringing in the extreme.

mimishimmi · 18/06/2014 02:31

My three year old was going around calling young Chinese man "Monkey Magic" for a while because he was enamoured of the series. I don't think they really got it. Now he tells me that Chinese food is the best food in the world :)

softlysoftly · 18/06/2014 02:32

Princess sort of but as gertie says where is the line? Skin colour is not in any way definitive, to say "embrace the differences" is too far one way in which "don't see colour" is too far the other. Neither works.

Surely we should just be treating skin colour the same as we should be treating other physical differences, not as invisible but as non defining.

So "Bill yes the one with blonde hair" should be as common place as "Bill yes the one with brown skin". A physical descriptor no more no less.

And for a child of 3 anything more than "x having black skin is a silly reason not to share, it makes no difference" is just too in depth for them to understand.

gertiegusset · 18/06/2014 02:32

I was in Scotland last week, they are discussing their future vehemently and will decide their future soon.
DP is Scottish and doesn't get a vote because we live in England.
His culture is very different from mine.
No colour differences but many cultural ones.

Sadly our very English press are barely covering the independence vote.

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 02:34

Mwahmum yes it does, a white man does not look like a black man, they are different. They are physically different from.one another down to their bones. They have different nose bones, the forehead slants different they are physiologically different from one another and have been since birth. However that may well be where the difference ends, they could both be of the same exact age, both have the same profession, hell they could both be dating a pair of identical twin sisters. However they will always be physically different from one another. They will both have acknowledged this from a very young age that they look different to one another.
So yes my.DP is different. He looks like no other black man nor no white man because he is of mixed ethnicity or mixed race. His skeleton will also be different as it now posesses both Caucasian and Negro genetic markers. So he may have the forehead of his Jamaican ancestors but the nose bridge of his Anglo Saxon ancestors.

We are all different within our own races also, those of Viking heritage will be different from those of Celtic heritage. You can deny that people are different, because we all are!

softlysoftly · 18/06/2014 02:35

Bollocks really want to continue with this it's really quite interesting but I HAVE to sleep or the difference other people will define me as on the pre school run in the morning will be hag with black bags for eye sockets.

MwahMum · 18/06/2014 02:36

softlysoftly Stop feeding these peons, I love your mind set, goodnight.

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 02:38

Surely we should just be treating skin colour the same as we should be treating other physical differences, not as invisible but as non defining.

So "Bill yes the one with blonde hair" should be as common place as "Bill yes the one with brown skin". A physical descriptor no more no less.

Yes, this.

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 02:39

softly surely you can tell the difference between a Mongolian and say a Chinese person...both are of Asian decent yet have very different cultures.

You can't just deny people their races because it helps or makes life easier. People are proud of their races, you must acknowledge there is more to them than race that's the IMPORTANT factor here. To say you dont see race is to say you don't see a major part of them. A part they may well be very proud of.

gertiegusset · 18/06/2014 02:40

But so what Boudicca, he is still a human.
But all those Viking and Celt and Anglo Saxon genes are mixed now and I bet you couldn't easily decipher the differences in me.
I know I couldn't.

Boudica1990 · 18/06/2014 02:45

Yes he is a human, but he is a human who is very proud to look the way he does, to be the race he is and I'm sure if you said to him. I don't acknowledge your race he would find it upsetting, he would obviously want you to know his personality but he wouldn't like to think you mentally stripped him of his skin colour :( that would be like tearing a large part of him away.

Swipe left for the next trending thread