To think that my 3 year old can't be a racist?

[DroppingIn]

Nursery pulled me over when I picked up DS yesterday to tell me that DS did not want to share with another boy apparently and when he was asked why said he said it was because the other boy was 'black'.

We talked about it on the way home and about people looking different colours and how we are all the same. It is not something that has ever come up before although there are quite a few black DC/Asian in his nursery.

I was not going to tell him off for saying the other DC was black as he is. I also was not going to tell him off for not sharing in this particular instance as DS is normally very good at sharing but I have seen several instances where other DC have snatched stuff off him and it being dressed up as 'sharing' which gets on my tits tbh.

I am concerned now that the nursery is going to have him down as a mini racist and of course, the parents of the other boy being told about it and thinking there may be more to it than there is.

What to do?

A 3 year old tends to repeat what they have heard. All those saying its not racist should walk a mile in a black persons shoes

madbutnormal

A 3 year olds imagination is way above that.

This walking in someone elses shoes when talking about a 3 year old is ridiculous.

I don't think its a case of a three year old repeating what they have heard but actually a three year old saying what they can see. People are different colours that's a fact, my own dd went through a phase of pointing out black/brown people and also fat people and tall people. I had to teach her we are all different and that whilst we acknowledge that we don't need to comment on it and she learnt quickly.

Identifying yourself as 'chocolate' or 'mocha' is different to two people discussing a black person between themselves and remarking how chocolate-like their skin is.

My god I agree with Caruthers on something. OP don't overthink it.

Piggy I appreciate you have had awful experiences, as has DH but I believe the flipside. I think his awareness that a dislike could be racially motivated has made him angry and damaged. I want to teach DDs to be oblivious and not look for the insult first, the defence mechanism affects no one but the person carrying it.

Dissolussioned I disagree I think we would get to a blended society eventually anyway, yes laws need to be reflective of ensuring equality but positive discrimination I hate.

I want my children to be children, I don't want them to be a statistic or a token and I believe that they will get where they want to be on merit not on some box ticking exercise which "positive" bleeding heart liberal discrimination have created.

not because parents are racist at home. That's a big assumption which may not be true

Aeroflot where did I say the (potential) racist influence came from home? where did I say tha!! You are putting words into my mouth.The child could most likely have heard it from another child, somebody in the supermarket queue anywhere!

Softly does that not imply that I should let; people hurl racial abuse me in the street, deny me access to public places, follow me around shops, accuse me of theft if anything goes missing at work, threaten to walk out if I am given a supervisory role at, expect the male members my family to have been in prison, expect me to know drug dealers, be surprised because my parents were married stayed together and the any number of stupid half baked assumptions people have made about me because of their racist mind set and just turn a blind eye to it? seriously you are going to teach your child to be oblivious to racisim. Does her dad agree with this is this something you have discussed?

He certainly isn't being racist he has no sophisticated concept of race and certainly no intent to use this child's colour to wilfully persecute him, no more than he would over his shirt colour or hair colour. He just threw out there the first thing that came to his mind, that could quite easily have been just as ransom as saying because he has curly hair, blue eyes or a green shirt.

Asking a child of three why they don't want to share is a bit silly, the only motive a three year old has in not wanting to share is pure selfish reasons, it's because they want it for them selfs, so he wasn't going to offer that up as he has already learned this isn't acceptable. So he just put anything up for the reason.

However I do think you should have said to him, that it's unfair of him to use the boys skin colour as a reason not to share at it unkind, just as you would if he said it was because of his hair, clothing or eyes etc.

I am not a fan of positive discrimination particularly, it is usually just another form of tokenism but ignoring race just perpetuates racism because it does exist, it does happen and choosing to ignore it means nothing is done.

Colourblindness is widely recognised as racism, it is a choice not to be an anti racist but to embrace white privilege and pretend that everyone is the same with the same opportunities and options and that our culture is not set up for the benefit of people who are white appearing. If you are colour blind then effectively you embrace racist discrimination.

At the moment your children are sheltered by your umbrella of white privilege, though it is unlikely if they are older than three that they have not encountered racism. By the time they are 10, 11, 12 they will begin to lose your protection and 'getting in on merit' is all very well but perhaps they will notice the low expectations people may have for them, the fact that there aren't a lot of people who look like them at higher levels of government and business, that actually they will have to work harder and be twice as good as others to get in. Will they share their experiences with you if you are in denial that such structural racism exists?

I think people need to be very careful how these things are managed with children. My dd at 6 very innocently pointed out she would like to put x in the centre of her flower, when choosing a black button to glue into the picture.

The school managed this spectacularly poorly and dd was declared a racist by another 6 year old and then subjected to a ripping into by her teacher (who had not heated the comment) in front of the class and x who had not initially heated the comment. Marched to the ht office in hysterics by another child who reported to the head dd had been sent by class teacher as dd had been racist against x. She then had a tearing into by head teacher and sent out of school in hysterics.

Dd greeted me hyperventilating saying I've said something terrible I'm so ashamed. But I don't understand. I'm a racist mummy what does it mean?!!!

I approached the teacher who declared dd had made a racist comment...I stopped her their and said no dd is not capable of making a racist comment so just tell me what was said without assigning any sort of intent to this. The teacher was unable to explain without casting dd a racist so I took this up with the head and made an official complaint.

The teacher also informed me that an official report of racist incidents such as this must be logged with the LEA and the head would be doing this.
I seen that false racism report did not happen.

However after all the hysterics I did explain to dd about racism and why it's very important to be sensitive to race, colour and culture and the history surrounding this. She then fully understood that whilst her actual intent was meant to complimentary to her friend she could see that maybe this could be taken the wrong way and the reasons why.

Oh my goodness can'tthis how awful for your dd, so what did the LEA do. Has the report against your dd been withdrawn. I should hope it has.

This was a few years ago. I told the ht if this report goes in I would have them over the coals, so she reassured me she had no intention of logging the incident as a racial incident.

After initially meeting with her I emailed her all my concerns surrounding how it was managed and stated I would like the email treated as a formal complaint.

I got a letter of apology from the ht and a meeting with her after in which she relayed the teachers apologies and her own and that they would revise their bullying and racial policy to account for dealing with young children who require specific support but where it is recognised there is no racist intent.

I wished that I had pushed for the teacher and ht to apologise to my dd in person. The head said she did talk with dd about it the next day and explained to dd that she was sorry for her upset and explained that sometimes adults get it wrong, which was good but the other teacher did not mention it again to either myself or my dd.

whatever happened to the innocence of children :(

why can't people see that children don't mean things the same way as perhaps we adults perceive them. It really is a case of it's not the mouth of comes out of but the mind it goes in to!

By all means education on what is acceptable to say but branding a 6 year old who had no concept of what racism was is heartbreaking :(

I certainly agreed my dd needed to have some kind of explanation and come away from the incident having learned something certainly but the upset this caused was so very counter productive not just her but the child who branded her racist and the other child involved. I think it possibly should of at the least prompted a group discussion where the other child was put right that dd wasn't racist. Involve the child the come t was directed to about his thoughts and feelings on it and provide dd with an appropriate explanation about how things can be hurtful even without indenting to and Ana appropriate explanation about how people with different skin colour have been treated and the importance of having sensitivity to differences and diversity.

And an age appropriate explanation that should read.

The ironic thing is when the teacher was attempting to tell me happened she described the other child as "our little black boy" I told her when she using disparaging language like that it was difficult to take her cries of racism seriously as her own concept of acceptable langue appeared skewed.

That's good can't, I'm just concerned similar incidents will be happening in child care settings, where innocent comments will be misconstrued and taken as being racist when tgey are not!

Omg what a silly teacher, accusing a young child of being racist when using inappropriate language herself double standards!

*Sigh...

Last year during October - Black History Month - my nephew (African Caribbean) was doing a project on Ghana at school. He's 7. & said to his teacher "hello beautiful African lady". She was wearing her traditional costume he thought she looked nice and like the ladies in the project/books so said it as he saw it. The TA pounced calling him a racist, & he was marched off to the headteacher then my sis was called.

Anyway to cut a very long story short they got nowhere with their skewered idea of racism. But this, along with other stories I hear, just think schools and often well-meaning (haven 't quite worked out if they really are well-meaning tho, or just troublemakers...) cause more trouble than they're worth.

That's outrageous mistress. Maybe just expected to be silently the elephant in the room all day with no one noticing nor commenting. I just think schools find it difficult to be seen to be doing the right think to then get it spectacularly wrong.

It seems that there are quite a few people here who have forgotten that 3 comes after only 2 and then 1. This has been one of the most ridiculous reads here in a long time.

He's 7. & said to his teacher "hello beautiful African lady". She was wearing her traditional costume he thought she looked nice and like the ladies in the project/books so said it as he saw it. The TA pounced calling him a racist, & he was marched off to the headteacher then my sis was called.

Poor kid. It's like miniature McCarthyism.

I Think this over zealous policing of children and racism does more harm than good. It Forces children to see color as an issue where previously they wouldn't have. Being able to call a white child white without issue but not being able to do the same with another child marks that child or as being different. Is this not exactly what we are trying to prevent? Being moaned at for remarking on another child's color causes fear and makes them scared in case they do the wrong thing. This creates an unatural divide, making inconsequential differences a major issues,

I agree that by refusing to acknowledge colour we refuse to acknowledge each other for who we are. We are not all the same. We are all different and that is what makes this world a fascinating place. We can, and should acknowledge our differences. What we must not do is assume that a person has certain characteristics based entirely on those differences.

This thread is so fucking depressing. Softly do you really think the problem is with people knowing the intent behind racism and I don't know racism itself head tilt.

Reading this thread it seems like the general concensus that steps to curb racism have gone to far and that in fact now innocent people are being accused of racism. I can assure you racism is alive and well and just because you can't sell black people anymore and its illegal to use the standard racist slurs doesn't mean that we have come full circle.

Meant to say and not racism itself.