To think that my 3 year old can't be a racist?

[DroppingIn]

Nursery pulled me over when I picked up DS yesterday to tell me that DS did not want to share with another boy apparently and when he was asked why said he said it was because the other boy was 'black'.

We talked about it on the way home and about people looking different colours and how we are all the same. It is not something that has ever come up before although there are quite a few black DC/Asian in his nursery.

I was not going to tell him off for saying the other DC was black as he is. I also was not going to tell him off for not sharing in this particular instance as DS is normally very good at sharing but I have seen several instances where other DC have snatched stuff off him and it being dressed up as 'sharing' which gets on my tits tbh.

I am concerned now that the nursery is going to have him down as a mini racist and of course, the parents of the other boy being told about it and thinking there may be more to it than there is.

What to do?

TheXxed

Massive over reaction there.

If you think labelling children is the way to go then you just go right ahead and carry on...and others will just go right ahead ignoring you.

I wasn't actually talking about the child directly.

I was commenting on the general tone of the thread.

Fwiw I don't think its helpful to label him a racist its too soon to have that kind of conversation

I was commenting on the general tone of the thread.

The general tone of the thread is mixed and that is mirroring societies view.

This is the way I see it.

If I as a white man doesn't see someones colour then i'm wrong in some persons eyes.

If I actually see their colour then I am wrong in some peoples eyes.

So you tell me why should I care either way considering the situation?

Caruthers there is nothing wrong with noticing a persons colour. In fact I have no idea how you couldn't.

Attaching characteristics to that persons skins colour is a problem. An example being that society views black men and hypersexualised and criminal and Asian women as subservient and meek.

OP just so I am clear none of this is in reference to your child who I am sure is just a typical toddler.

Xxed of course racism is a problem. The hysterical identification of racist intent in small children, where it doesn't exist, cheapens the issue, however and teaches children unfortunate lessons.

Caruthers there is nothing wrong with noticing a persons colour. In fact I have no idea how you couldn't.

That's just YOUR view.

There are posters on here whose views are completely opposite.

And you can't please all of the people all of the time so i'll just go with my own judgement and wing it.

Mistress that is awful. Your nephew was not being racist fgs, some people seeing an issue when there is none!

It is entirely developmentally appropriate

The staff sound like they have unrealistic expectations in that they want a 3 yo to give a reason for not sharing (unless there was more to it)

Both of these things don't make it OK to dismiss the incident as ludicrous or deny the right of the black child to be impacted by it. Even without any intent or malice it still has consequences.

One of the differences between ethnic differences as opposed to gender or eye/hair/t-shirt colour is ethnic differences are the only differences treated to the 'we're all the same' lecture. If a 3 yo said he didn't share because the other kid had a green t-shirt then he probably would be told to take a look at himself rather than have some vague, senseless talk about how people whose differences are blindingly obvious are actually exactly the same.

I think people who 'don't see colour' are well intentioned but it doesn't half grate to have part of your identity wiped out in someones eyes to enable them to see you in a way that is easier for them.

I'm finding this thread depressing too. It reminds me of the way victims of sex crimes are made to feel that the real violence is in the reporting. Do you really want to make a fuss? Do you really want to ruin lives?

I do know that there is a difference between a 3 year olds racist remark (which imo was racist, even without intent) and an adults sexual assault. I'm not suggesting they are the same. It's just the general feeling that the victim should have a sock put in their mouth. I know that some teachers will over react to a perceived racist remark but in general 'I won't share with him because he is black' does warrant a conversation.

I agree with everything TheDisillusionedAnarchist has said, particularly To be a non racist requires work, a lot of it, it requires thought, it requires seeing colour and doing something about the discrimination that people of BME heritages face. Being colour blind is comfortable especially for white people but it is not non racist.

Fideliney I actually agree with your sentiment. What bothers me is there seems to be a shift in the way we view racism in society. Almost as though its worst to mention racism than it is to be a racist. I took particular issue with Softlys comment. Assigning responsiblity to the victims of racism.

Oh FFS I haven't actually seen anyone on this thread say that they think you shouldn't see colour

But that you shouldn't attach a load of bullshit to colour, that bullshit could be "the brown girl there must be meek and subservient (yet to meet an Asian woman that was btw, they are fucking powerhouses) and that brown man must be a terrorist. OR equally to see a brown girl and think "they don't have equal opportunities, I must embrace their heritage and their past, they must have faced awful challenges".

Well what does that skin mean their heritage is? What if they don't identify with their "roots" whatever the hell they are supposed to be. You are loading supposition onto them in just the same way as a racist, sorry but I find that equally as offensive.

My child is herself, she isn't what has gone before and I will not teach her in advance that she will be abused and considered less and I don't think that she will, sorry but if that's my "white privilege" speaking then so be it. Though I would say her auntie is a Dr, her uncles pharmacists and engineers, her mummy's best friend a successful marketeer and not a one of them white. It's time to remove chips from shoulders and begin to strive for more.

softly I find your post confusing I am assuming its aimed at me.

To clarify I was responding to Caruthers who said there are multiple schools of thought one of them being not seeing race at all.

I don't understand what supposition I am loading onto 'brown people'. I did mention Asian women as they are characterised as being meek and subservient. The image is portrayed in pornogragphy, on television and in print. Its great that your daughter has positive non black role models. So did I so do countless other non white people we still experienced racism.

I was upset by your assertion that it was not that racism itself that was Tue problem but knowing that it had malicious intent. If someone is kicking repeatedly in the ribs pulling at your 'Brillo' hair it would be incredibly difficult not to see the intent behind it.

If your daughter never experiences racism I would over them moon. I would also be EXTREMELY shocked.

Also quick side note. Softly I would refrain from using the term chip on your shoulder when talking about experiences of racism it can seem as though you are shutting down the conversation. The term also implies the person talking is bitter and is not entitled to their feelings.

I was upset by your assertion that it was not that racism itself that was Tue problem but knowing that it had malicious intent.

Where did I say this? If something I posted read this way it was not intended to.

If your daughter never experiences racism I would over them moon. I would also beEXTREMELYshocked.

She will I'm not a fool. But my argument is that I won't prepare her to see this rather than an alternative. I think being on guard for racism can be as damaging and soul destroying as the racism itself.