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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

322 replies

Rhian1 · 17/06/2014 19:05

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

OP posts:
kinkytoes · 17/06/2014 20:20

I don't believe children are necessarily being shielded from death losingmybelt

Even if it's not stated I think the benefits are for the grieving adults who don't want to risk a potential disruption that children could cause, and want to feel free to express their grief without feeling the need to temper it for the sake of the children.

I think these are natural, if sometimes subconscious, reasons for not wanting children at funerals. Not necessarily generational reasons either.

Luggagecarousel · 17/06/2014 20:21

Agree with Herroyalnotness.

if your granny doesn't want him there, that's final, as far as i am concerned, the event is largely to support her in saying goodbye, so what she wants goes.

It doesn't have to be reasonable. That it is her desire is enough.

starlight1234 · 17/06/2014 20:21

I have read the whole thread...

Not once have you mentioned how your GM feels..I have worked in care and people who have lived with husbands/wives for half a century as so lost, so broken. they need that overwhelming support ..It is very scary been alone in the world after a whole adulthood together.

I assume due to 120 mile distance it wasn't weekly contact with GM. I also think you can find many ways of saying goodbye. plant a remembrance tree . writing a letter. talking to a star.

I also remember the last funeral I went to a couple of years ago. a very close friend. ( My DS 5 at the time went to school) I went to pieces. I sobbed most the way through the service and am so glad my DS wasn't there so I could grieve and then support my DS through it.

Pagwatch · 17/06/2014 20:22

No. I'm not assuming anything of the sort Rhian

I am assuming that you were navigating your son through his first experience of real grief in the best way you knew how.
My 10 year old, 7 year old and 18month old dc came to my fathers funeral. I understand your intent.

But your intent does not take priority over your grandmothers wishes and, more importantly, your grandfather would wish you all to be immensely kind to your grandmother right now.

Surely respecting both your grandparents is more important than anything else right now?

reluctantphotographer · 17/06/2014 20:22

I'm sorry Rhian, I am rather too close to a very similar situation which is looming re my dad when he passes and his funeral. I should not have been as strident as I was.

I hope you manage to sort something out, and I hope the day goes as well as can be expected.

ClashCityRocker · 17/06/2014 20:23

It sounds like you have been open and honest with your son about death and funerals (which IMO is great - death is something we all have to deal with).

Carry on with that - explore the reasons with your son as to why your gm might not want children in general there, and why she's entitled to make that decision, and end it with a discussion about ways you can both say goodbye and remember great grandad.

defineme · 17/06/2014 20:23

So they dont have trains, buses, taxis -120 miles is really not very far.
It seems odd to involve your ds and dh in the day just to be your chauffer?
Seems a bit unfair on them really.

JustSpeakSense · 17/06/2014 20:24

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

When I lost my mum, my sister insisted on bringing her daughter age 7 to the funeral (she's lost her grandmother, she needs to say goodbye, blah blah) I also have a daughter the same age who did not attend. I found it very distressing and upsetting having a child there (she needed to be looked after, kept amused and semi-entertained) even though she was as good as gold, she was a little girl who could not comprehend the mood of the day.

It added to my upset and distracted my sister on the day and was completely inappropriate.

I'm sorry but I think you should respect your grandmother's wishes, she has just lost her life partner and clearly does not need children there.

I think you should find a different way for your son to say goodbye (you could include your grandmother) perhaps a visit to a special place, with a picnic and each person gets to tell a funny, happy story about granddad and you set his favourite food, take a photo fur the memory perhaps.

Wishing you and your family strength through this tough time.

AWombWithoutARoof · 17/06/2014 20:24

Really somedizzy, you'd suggest that they gatecrash a funeral and make a scene? This is OP's grandfather and the DS's great grandfather. The GM's husband.

edamsavestheday · 17/06/2014 20:25

please stop badgering your Grandmother. I can't believe you are adding to her distress when she's just lost her husband, for heaven's sake. This isn't all about you or your son. You need to take a long hard look at the priorities here. Hint - you don't come first. Sheesh.

Scousadelic · 17/06/2014 20:27

I think you are right in your opinion about this but it is not worth the potential confrontation on the day to be honest.

Harry1603 · 17/06/2014 20:27

I feel your son should be able to go but, if your grandmother doesn't want him there then I don't think there's a lot you can do apart from accept her wishes.

My nan died when I was 12 and my mum wouldn't let me go to the funeral. I've never forgiven her for that as I never got the chance to say goodbye to my nan. Thankfully my Dad (who couldn't go to the funeral as he was disabled) let me stay off school and I spent the day with him - there was no way I could have gone to school.

treaclesoda · 17/06/2014 20:31

I'm really surprised at the idea of no children at funerals, it seems really cruel to exclude them. It's normal in my area for children (close family members obviously) to attend, and I've been to many funerals where a child participated in the receiving line, shaking hands and accepting condolences. But then it's also not unusual for funeral service to be held in the family home, so unless you evict the children from their own home there's no way round it. My granny's body lay in our house between her death and the funeral and then the service took place in our home, so I attended my first funeral aged four. It didn't traumatise me at all, it helped, it let me see that grownups were sad too.

kinkytoes · 17/06/2014 20:32

Harry that's awful. There's a big difference between a 7 yo and a 12 yo plus she was your dgm. That was out of order, but the OP's circumstances are very different.

treaclesoda · 17/06/2014 20:32

but yes, sadly you have to accept the wishes of your grandmother.

longjane · 17/06/2014 20:33

Don't forget anybody can come to the church service .

If it is catholic service there will be Radom under 5 at the mass . As mass is everyday in the Catholic Church and lots of people go every day . So I would take him to mass.

If any other church and you know the vicar (or who ever is charge) or even if you don't give them a ring ask for details . And ask if ok to bring son and if ok turn up.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 17/06/2014 20:34

Look OP, plans change, children adapt. You are being very PFB about this, and way over thinking it. If you don't make a drama lama about the change of plans, then your DS will most likely take the change of plans in his stride.
Regarding what to tell your DS, you could tell him that your grandmother wants it to be adults only. And if questioned further you could say that sometimes old people like your grandmother think that funerals are no place for children. And that she is granddads wife, so gets to make that decision.

Condolences on the loss of your grandfather.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/06/2014 20:36

Longjane are you suggesting the op go behind her gm back and totally disrespect her wishes.

somedizzywhore1804 · 17/06/2014 20:36

AWombWithoutARoof, no I'm not really but I appreciate why she might and have nothing but sympathy for my own relations who were banned from my grandads funeral... I stand by that you can't rank grief and don't think that anyone should be stopped from attending.

MozzchopsThirty · 17/06/2014 20:37

'we want and he wants' well maybe a good lesson here is you can't always get what you want and sometimes respect others wishes

Also don't know why not going to a funeral means you're 'shielding you child from death' and somehow causing them unspeakable trauma.
What nonsense, you can still teach children about death and dying, about saying goodbye without making them go to a ceremony to look at a box that drops into the floor

I'd rather say goodbye by planting a tree or lighting a candle any day instead of going to a funeral. I hate them

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 17/06/2014 20:39

On a side note, I don't understand why so many people still believe that children shouldn't be at funerals as a rule (rather than at the request of the closest family members of the deceased, which is understandable).

I went to a funeral when I was three. So did my cousin. We both knew why we were there and what it meant.

Annunziata · 17/06/2014 20:41

This whole thread is 'I I I'. How dare you speak about your grandmother in the way you have! She has lost her husband and she gets to pick. You are not superior to her just because you have read hundreds of articles. Your son is 7, he is a child and he will not be invited to some things. That's life.

Pagwatch · 17/06/2014 20:43

I'm enjoying the 'it's important so just take your son' posters.

What they are saying is - we love out grandparents so much that we actually don't give a fuck about their wishes. [boggles]

reluctantphotographer · 17/06/2014 20:44

Pagwatch - that's kind of what I was trying to say. I love my mum. I love my dad. But I don't come first - my mum does. And whatever she wants within my power when dad goes I will give her. Because I love her and she is more important.

Original poster
Rhian1 · 17/06/2014 20:46

A lot of you seam think I am being selfish and not thinking or caring about my Grandmothers feelings. Oh course I do. If I am coming across as selfish its because this is Mumsnet, a place where I thought I could get some advice on MUM issues and PARENTING.

Despite the distance I was very close to my grandfather.

And I do understand there are forms of public transport, the funeral is at 9 in the morning so I would need to travel the night before and stay over in a hotel.

Something I really (yes this may be selfish before you all jump all over me) do not want to do alone. I am grieving. (SELFISH!!) I really do not want to take 2 buses, 4 trains, another bus and a taxi to the hotel, (totalling over 6 hours)to then take a taxi to my nans, and back to the hotel after the wake all alone, to then have to make the same journey in reverse.

I was not planning on taking my son with me just so I could be driven there. I would like my husbands support on the day and my son wishes to go.

OP posts: