7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

[Rhian1]

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

[ItsAFuckingVase]

Hmmm, getting ready for my flaming but here goes!

I didn't want any children at my brother's funeral. Nothing to do with shielding or protecting children from grief at all. Frankly I think death is a part of life, and we all get used to it at some point.

I wanted everyone's full attention to be on my brother. I wanted everyone to reflect on my brother's amazing life without the possibility of being distracted by the thought of keeping theirs or others children entertained. I didn't want the risk of children playing up in any way, be it talking or crying in the church or by running round at the wake.

The funeral overseas was much less formal, and was appropriate for the circumstances at that moment in time. I needed a formal affair at home to be able to get my closure properly. I'd been so busy dealing with the embassy, consulate, foreign authorities, press, care of my nephew etc etc that I needed a solemn affair. The norm in my family would be to have the deceased brought home for a few days in an open casket. This was what happened with my nanna a few years ago and my auntie had to ask a cousin to leave with his toddler as she was being disruptive. She wasn't being naughty per se, she was just being a child, but it just wasn't appropriate in that environment.

It may be incredibly selfish of me to dictate no children, and to have the day to suit my needs. But I don't care. For me, the only people who had a voice in the proceedings were my parents and my siblings. As I dealt with everything from my brother being found dead, they were happy for me to take care of all arrangements for the funerals too.

And no, of course funerals don't work on an invite basis. But I'd hope to never be in the company of someone so crass as to ignore the wishes of those closest to the deceased.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

itsavase I agree. The funeral is about the deceased and thereafter the prime mourner, his widow.

I'm not convinced at all for the need for a 7 year old who lives at a distance from his great grandfather to be involved.

[Lucca]

Op I just wondered whether your granny might want to feel that she can lean on you a bit on the day and thinks that might be hard if you need to watch over your son? maybe she wants to release her emotions without feeling like she should edit them?

Last year I buried my mother. I didn't take my children but one has SEN so it wouldn't have been a reasonable option anyway. I was quite under control until the Eulogy and then I lost it and by the time we got to the burial I was howling. I was glad my children weren't there it witness it as I really wasn't in a place where I could have stopped myself. (By the time we got to the wake I was able to get myself under control enough to stop them eating all the cake and at least have a conversation with people.) I did feel that i had the freedom to react however I needed to which was important.

I think you did a good thing in preparing your son for the funeral and understand you want to teach about life, death and all the essentials of family life but at the risk of sounding very gloomy the chances are that there will be other family funerals in the future.

And on that happy note...

[sashh]

we want, and he wants to attend. vs. him not being allowed to attend.

Granny - or whatever he calls your grandmother wants you to remember grandad as he was so has asked you not to attend.

If it's a long distance and you stay over he can take flowers to the grave the day after.

[WyrdByrd]

I don't particularly agree that children should be banned from funerals but I do think the discretion of the next of kin should be respected.

My DD went to the funerals of both her great grandmothers, but MIL requested that she didn't attend her great grandad's. MIL was very close to her dad and was concerned that seeing her extremely distressed might be upsetting for DD. I was a bit , but wouldn't have dreamt of turning up with DD regardless of her wishes.

[shakethetree]

Your ds will probably be relieved in all honesty. 120 mile drive to a funeral? - hardly what a 7 year old dreams of.

[expatinscotland]

It's not about you and what you want.

Funerals are not instructional vehicles for children.

How disrespectful and self-absorbed.

Respect her wishes.

[LoonvanBoon]

The OP has already said she is going to the funeral on her own. She never said at any point that she was going to ignore her gran's wishes. She is grieving too.

[expatinscotland]

Yes, I have read the thread.

[LoonvanBoon]

There was no need to tell the OP to respect her gran's wishes, then, if you'd already read that she's going to.

[SauvignonBlanche]

I hope it goes well OP.

[cjelh]

I agree with expat

[ItsAFuckingVase]

To answer your question OP, I'd explain that grief is a personal thing, and people deal with it in all different ways, so whilst a funeral is the norm it isn't the only way to say goodbye.

[expatinscotland]

'There was no need to tell the OP to respect her gran's wishes, then, if you'd already read that she's going to.'

Nor is there any need for posters to try to dictate to others how or what they should post if what they post falls within guidelines. But carry on scolding if it makes you feel better.

[Pilgit]

I am going to buck the trend on here and say it is unreasonable to ban anyone from a funeral. In the Catholic tradition they are open to the public (weddings are as well). If a child can be respectful and knows what is happening I don't see the problem. Likewise I don't see any problem with children seeing adults grieve. It is part of life. Obviously this has to be a decision made with the best interests of the child in mind. When my grandfather died my them 3 year old and 3 year old nephew were there. They were fab and it helped them to understand the close on what had been a close relationship
For them.

[nooka]

I have to admit I've never really heard of this 'chief mourner' thing before. Does that mean that my siblings and I should have respected my mother's desire to exclude my niece (18 but severely learning disabled) even though it would have devastated my sister, cousin and BIL? That doesn't seem right to me at all.

[wheresthelight]

Rhian I am so sorry for your loss and for some of the frankly disgusting posts you have received!!

Your Grandmother is right to an extent wrt funerals not being a place for young children however she probably still sees your ds as a tot and not as you do as an emotionally more mature child.

You are right to be upset as you know your son best and whether he can cope with it.

I agree with the posters who have suggested that you do something separate with your son, maybe take him to the grave side after all the proceedings have taken place so he can pay his respects?

As to how do you explain to him that he now cannot attend, I guess similarly to how you told him your grandad had died. Be honest, explain that grandma is very upset and she doesn't want ds to see her that upset and then become upset himself so she would prefer that he didn't come but that you will do xyz to celebrate Grandad's life and commemorate his passing afterwards

[Thymeout]

Tiggy - there are varying interpretations of the OP's conversation with her dgm based on the tone and content of her original and subsequent posts.

To me and others, it sounds as if OP didn't take No for an answer, got her mother to argue the point and her dgm's 'End of!' came out of sheer exasperation at being badgered at this hugely sensitive time for her.

I think the OP would have had a more sympathetic hearing if there had been some indication that she had any appreciation of what her dgm is going through.

[Asheth]

Thinking of you today OP. Hope it all goes well.