7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

[Rhian1]

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

You know him best to know which tack to use.

The grown ups will be a bit sad and don't want to upset him?

You've realised it would be too long a day for him?

You'd like to have a day where just you dh and ds remember grandad?

There's countless things you could say, he's 7and will accept what you say. Just don't tell him he's banned.

I think it is a real shame, having been to several with all the grandchildren there-and doing readings, writing poems etc.
However you have to accept her decision and just explain to DS.

Wow, I didnt expect so much response so quickly. Thank you.

I know its not centre parcs, but now he is prepared for it, I will find it hard to find an appropriate explanation as to why the situation has changed.

My son is not welcome at the house in the morning, in the procession to church, church or the wake. And yes, she has said we will all be asked to leave. All my Grandmother will say, is ''children should not be at funerals, end of.''

My mother agrees with me completely, and has tried talking with her but hits the same brick wall as me.

How close was your ds to his grandad? If he was close then attending the funeral is part of the grieving process and not to go could be more damaging in the long run than seeing the funeral and adults upset.

Ds3 was 6 when his great-grandma died and they were close so I thought it appropriate that he went along to say goodbye. We prepared him well by telling him what would happen at each stage. He coped brilliantly in church and at the cemetery he was the only ds who stayed with H to watch the interment. Dses 1 and 2 decided not to and we all went for a walk until it was over.

In contrast, I was 8 when my beloved grandma died and I was banned from the funeral as a) everyone was worried it would be too upsetting for poor little me and b) the adults wanted to cry and grieve without having responsibility for me. As a result I was 15 before I finally accepted that she was gone and had years of upset in between (although I didn't realise that was the cause at the time).

On the other hand, if your grandad was not well known by your ds then attending his funeral would be a slightly strange event for all concerned.

It's your Gran's decision, ultimately.

You really need to respect her wishes on this.

Sorry. And again, sorry for your loss.

But she feels this x a million what you feel. And her wishes should be respected.

But I really don't see why it's hard to tell a 7 year old that things have changed and he is not going because the grown ups will be too upset/you and his dad have talked about it and it's not a place for small boys/whatever reason you decide.

Whilst I can absolutely see why you would want your son to go, your grandmother might well be in an awful state and not want her great-grandson to see her like that.

She might not want the day she says goodbye to her husband to be spent trying to hold it together for the sake of her great grandson, and has already said his presence would not be appropriate. It is not a reflection on your sons emotional maturity, but what she needs/wants at the minute and I do think at this time her need to say goodbye in the way she wants to do trumps your sons need for closure.

To be honest, you can't not respect her wishes - do you really want to cause a scene on the day of her husbands funeral, presumably in front of your son?

I think you should just be honest, have a conversation about how people deal with grief and how it's your grandmas prerogative to choose if she wants children in attendance.

Maybe you could come up with a way for you and your son to mark your grandads passing?

I'm sorry for your loss and DS's. But it's her call.

Even if you think your DGM is utterly wrong, these are circumstances when her wishes simply have to prevail.

I agree with Kellyhopter on angles to take with your DS.

I will find it hard to find an appropriate explanation as to why the situation has changed.

You're his mother, and since he isn't invited you're going to have to try, surely...?

Surely you just be honest with him
'you'll stay with daddy because great grandma doesn't think a funeral is the right place for you, I don't agree but it's her decision so that's that, we will have our own celebration of his life when I get back and we can plant a tree/light a candle etc'

Your grandmother's generation wouldn't have had children at funerals as a general rule.
She is 'chief mourner' and it is absolutely her decision. Just because times have changed (not always for the better imo. I will never understand taking babies and toddlers to funerals) doesn't mean she will.

Hello OP,

First off condolences for your loss i hope you and your family are coping ok.

I personally would not take my child to a funeral at that age HOWEVER if her reasons are to protect your son from the effects of a funeral i believe that is your decision to make.

Good luck

I really hope you and your family aren't pushing this too much with your grandmother, she's made her decision and should be allowed to grieve in the most peaceful way possible.

Sorry, I mean like planting a tree etc.

Also, wakes often tend to involve a huge amount of drinking (but that might just be my family).

Sorry for your loss - and I hope you find a way for your son to come to terms with it.

We've just come back from a funeral where there were loads of kids and all were welcome, wearing bright clothing and it was very much a party atmosphere to celebrate the loss of my friend who died too young.

Tomorrow it will be my FIL's funeral, a very somber and formal affair to match the sort of person he was. There will not be lots of children, we will all be in black.

I'd tell your son that you've decided you'd like to do something where you both remember your grandfather and mark the occasion how you want to and have decided to do it that way rather than be at the funeral. He can learn that you don't need to be at a formalized gathering g or set place to remember him and cherish the memories, that grandad will always be with him in his heart and that he can always feel in touch with him whenever he wants to.

You've been given many suggestions , I don't see why it's such a big dilemma as if you are disappointing him by not promising to take him. Even a ' children not allowed' should be enough.

I took my dd and ds to my nan's funeral, they were 5 and 4, but that's what my nan would have wanted. She was very much I the opinion that children at funerals stop everyone from being too maudlin and its what she grew up with (Irish Catholic). They were well behaved and it helped me and my mum having them there.

I think though that you have to respect your grandmothers wishes in not having your ds there.

I think if she has asked for no dc to attend it is her right and her decision.
It is your gp and unless I've missed something your ds doesn't know his great gps well.
FWIW I don't think funerals are for children unless they were very close to the person or are older, but that's just my opinion.
My dd was close to her gps but was 3 and 4 when they died so didn't attend like her teen aged brothers.

This sad event is not about your son.

Your grandmother is the chief mourner and her wishes should prevail, whether you agree with them or not. There are many reasons why people think that children should not be present at funerals. It is not an unreasonable stance to take.

If I were her, I'd be really angry that you that you were prepared to argue, or use your mother to exert pressure on her, at what must be such an upsetting time for her.

Is it in a church? If so I believe you cannot stop people from entering.

Difficult though. Why is she so adamant?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

My twin boys went to two family funerals when they were just short of 7, & were absolutely fine. We'd prepared them & they wanted to go. I suppose it depends on the child, but I hate the idea of excluding children.

I didn't get to go to either of my paternal GPs' funerals (I was 8 & 10 years old) & I think it was a really bad decision on my parents' part.

I've never come across anyone trying to dictate who can & can't attend a funeral, either. I've arranged two family funerals myself & didn't even know exactly who was going to turn up. I find it very strange that your GM should take this stance, especially when it's going to cause you such practical difficulties.

Having said all that, I don't see what else you can do but respect her wishes - especially as she's gone so far as to say she'd ask you & your son to leave! You can't risk anything like that happening, obviously. But it's horrible that you're going to end up having to go without your DH's support. At least your mum - & I guess other family members - will be there.

to you - it will be over soon.

I'm sorry for you loss but yabu.

she has lost her husband you must respect her wishes. I dont even understand why this is a dilemma for you.

I think it's healthy for a child to experience the reality of grief and death, as long as they are mentally mature enough to understand it. When my DGM died, DS1 was 6yo and DS2 was 4yo. They were both very close to DGM as I was her carer, and they had seen her daily. I had a long talk with both of them, about death, age appropriate about funerals, grown ups crying and being sad, cremation etc.

DS1 came to the funeral and the cremation. He spent the day handing out tissues to all and sundry, because "DGM would like me to help people who are sad." He also said "I'm sad, but I am happy as I am helping people who are sad as well. DGM was important to me (As in DS1) and I love her and want to say a proper goodbye until I see her again."

DS2 didn't come to the funeral, as in his own words, he "Didn't want to see Mummy crying" He also said "I am sad that DGM is dead, but I want to play and be happy. I will say goodbye by playing.".

I do think that you need to speak to someone, other than your DGM about why she doesn't want the DC's at the funeral. Did she have a bad experience as a child, for instance my DM remembers being made to kiss the corpse of her DGM in the coffin in the front room, when she was about 10yo, which left her with a lifetime of nightmares.

Children can be remarkably resilient about death, and comforting to those who are left, even when it is very raw, if you do it in a age appropriate way.

Thank you for all your input. Its not that I feel like I will be disappointing him, like its going to be a fun day out. Just that we have talked about funerals and its how people say goodbye, and that its a natural part of the grieving process - going back on this may confuse him, or not allow him to grieve properly, even hold some resentment as he is older.

I do kind of like the idea of planting a tree or similar, marking the occasion in our own way.

This is very difficult. I fail to see why she is so adamant but as she is I don't see what else you can do but comply. No reason at all though why you can't say calmly 'Gran I wanted dh and ds to come to. As his mother I know ds understood what has happened and would have behaved appropriately. I respect your choice but it does disappoint me'
Yes she's grieving but so are you and this decision is not a rational or reasonable one. Children belong at funerals.