7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

[Rhian1]

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

[PrincessBabyCat]

I can see why she wouldn't want kids. Even if they're prepared they might ask insensitive questions without meaning to. My parents told me that they coroners have to sew the eyes shut, so when I went to my first funeral at age five I asked loudly where the thread to sew her eyes shut were and how they did it without showing the string. Probably not the best place to be asking such things.

In any case, as a child a funeral really didn't do anything for me still doesn't do anything for me as an adult. Understanding death and that you're there to support surviving family members and be there for each other isn't really something you "get" until you're much older.

[innogen75]

but how resentful will your grandmother the grieving widow be when she feels that her wishes aren't being respected on what will likely be the most traumatic day of her life?

you seem to be making it about you when her feelings should automatically take priority.

[ProfYaffle]

I totally get where you're coming from. My Grandad died just before Xmas, my 2 dc were 6 and 9 at the time and went to the funeral, it was fine and they wanted to say Goodbye.

I don't think there's a lot you can do if your Gran's so adamant though. In your shoes I'd just be honest, Granny doesn't think children should go in case they get upset but we'll have our own little ceremony/plant a tree/light a candle/release a balloon etc.

[Realitybitesyourbum]

I think you are over thinking it. He prob will be relieved.

[JerseySpud]

Why would you even want to take a 7 year old with you?

We lost my fil this year and none of the kids under 12 went to the funeral. I'm sure someone would be able to help, another parent at the school?

Or you go by yourself. My DH had to stay behind when my grandad died and my nan and have our children because we couldn't both go.

[Rhian1]

I believe it is appropriate for emotionally mature and well-informed children to attend funerals, especially when the child wishes to go. In the last few days I have read literally hundreds of articles which have just confirmed for me, that it is right, but there is no convincing my grandmother, even the vicar has apparently told her children are welcomed, even encouraged to attend.

However on this one, it looks like I am going to have to begrudgingly bow down to my grandmothers wishes.

Thanks for your support mumsnet.

[BrianTheMole]

I think its an old fashioned way of thinking. My dc went to their grandfathers funeral at age 4 and 6. It was nice for them to be able to say goodbye, and actually other people liked having them there too. But the end of the day it is her call, and if she doesn't want children there you're going to have to respect that.

[Pagwatch]

He won't experience any trauma or resentment as long as you put his feeling before your own irritation.

Yes you want him there but you say you had to prepare him - so you recognise it is a difficult day.

You tell him that it is going to Be adults n,y so you and he will create a goodbye between you - and that will be brilliant because it cn be his ideas.

When my sister died I let dd go on a school residential trip even though I like chikdren to attend funerals. When she got home we released balloons in the garden and she said what she wanted to.

Your son will be fine. Your grandmother probably won't. Not for a while

[ShoeWhore]

OP I'm really sorry for your loss.

I understand about wanting your Ds to be there - I would feel the same. But the older generation have a very different view, I find. And I think you have to respect your dgm's wishes, however much you disagree.

[slithytove]

Does your grandmother expect you to attend the whole thing totally alone, including travelling?

I can understand her not wanting kids (is it all kids or just DS?) at the church and cemetery, but not being allowed to the wake seems unnecessarily restrictive.

[jamdonut]

Was he close to his great grandfather then? Is that why you think he should go?

Personally, I think 7 is a little young,especially if you are going to be sad and upset. If it was his grandfather,it would be different,but a great grand-parent is a bit further removed,unless he was used to being around him. I know you want your DH to go as well,but the best scenario under the circumstances would be for you to go alone.

I would tell him that great-grandma only wants grown ups to attend,and leave it at that. Its not like he's missing out on anything.

And anyway,won't he be at school?

[nulgirl]

It doesn't matter whether you or we think it is unreasonable. From your OP and mentioning the distance etc, it does sound a bit inconvenient from a childcare perspective. This doesn't trump your grandmothers wishes.

My gm asked me not to bring my dcs to my gf funeral. It was a pain for childcare and I would have liked them to be there but none of those reasons were more important than a women who had lost her dh of 60 years.

[LoonvanBoon]

innogen, I don't think the OP's coming across like that at all. And most families IME don't try & arrange each other's grief into rank order or try to determine whose feelings take priority.

Having arranged both my mum's & sister's funerals I also find it odd to say that the day of a funeral is going to be more traumatic than the day you actually lost the person you're mourning! I found those funerals quite comforting, being surrounded by & supported by people who'd loved DM & DSis.

For most people arranging funerals, I think the key aim is to have a service that reflects the character & wishes of the person who died. It's all about them, actually, & all the people who loved them & are left behind.

[nulgirl]

Having just read your last post I cannot believe how ungracious you are being talking about grudging accepting her wishes.

This is not a learning experience for your son. It doesn't matter how he can handle it. It should he about your gm feelings. You should be going out of your way to make things as stress free for her - not sulking and getting people up badger her until you get your way.

[KellyHopter]

Agree with Pag, he won't be traumatised in the slightest as long as you handle this in the best way for him. Which is going to be in the simplest, most dull, undramatic way possible.

"I've thought about it and I'd like for the three of us to have our own special day to rembember/say goodbye...I'd love for us to write poems/plant something/go to grandads favourite park..."

[hatsdontsuitme]

Nulgirl - absolutely agree with you - you've saved me typing!

[Rhian1]

We are taking him out of school. My husband will be driving the 120+ miles to a hotel near to where my grandparents lived. We have no-one we could leave him with near to our home or near where the funeral will be. We have no choice but to all make the journey there. Just family prayers at the house, funeral service and the wake will...well, just be me and my other relatives.

[Upsy1981]

I absolutely agree with you. Children should see that death is a normal part of life and not something to be hidden or feared. I don't have an issue with children seeing adults upset. I think its entirely appropriate as long as they see them happy too. It is wrong for children to not be given the opportunity to develop emotional resilience imo.

My Dd7 has lost her great grandad, great grandmother and most recently her paternal grandfather in the last 2ish years. She has attended 2 out of 3 of these and didn't attend the third because she preferred not to miss a day of school. She was given the choice in all. Although your grandmother has suffered a loss, I really don't think its her place to make that decision. Its up to you as his parents to know if its appropriate. But I'm not sure how you get round it without causing a scene. I hope it all works out.

[littlejohnnydory]

I agree with you completely, DH and I have already discussed that our children , the oldest of whom is 7, will attend my living grandparent's funeral when the time comes.

I don't think your grandmother can actually stop him from attending but I wouldn't want to create a scene on the day. In your shoes I think it depends whether you prefer to say goodbye privately with DS and DH or whether it's important to you to attend the actual funeral.

I think if DS is able to understand about the funeral itself then he will be able to understand that Granny thinks it should just be for grown ups and that it'sbest not to upset her any further by disagreeing. my DC would understand that.

[reluctantphotographer]

Honestly, if you're only going to bow down begrudgingly you'd be better off not going at all.

Your Grandmother has lost her life partner. She will be grieving and if you come across with a chip on your shoulder because your DS isn't there it could end up in an atmosphere and maybe even words said that you might regret and a rift that might prove difficult to heal.

It really isn't about you and what you think. She's mourner-in-chief. I'm quite sure she'd rather not be burying her husband.

[Heathcliff27]

In my grandmothers day no children attended and the women weren't permitted to attend the burial, they went home after the church service to arrange the wake. She would have a hairy canary if she knew that 2 of us female grandchildren took a cord and helped lower her into the ground.

[reluctantphotographer]

Why can't your husband stay behind and you go by yourself? Then your son wouldn't need to be out of school. Surely you'll have the rest of your family there for support? I went a flight to a grandparent's funeral alone at 18 weeks pregnant. It wasn't great but I had no one to keep my son, except for my husband, so I had to go alone. Sometimes you just have to do the best you can - it's not ideal, I know, but you will probably be fine on your own.

[CoffeeTea103]

In your last few posts it's coming across more as if it's about you. As you are very concerned about the effect on your son, surely your DH should stay with him then. Sounds as if you just don't believe that children should be told no.

[kinkytoes]

Agree with nulgirl too. Poor dgm.

If your son is so mature he'll understand why there is a change of plans OP.

[innogen75]

loonvanbroon

we will have to disagree. Whilst not wishing to rank grief I think it is clear the grief of a spouse who has lost her husband of so many years is entirely different to losing a great grand parent as a child. I believe the majority of people would appreciate this, as does the op in her decision to respect her grandmothers wishes.

having lost my bother and father in tragic cicumstances in the same week I found the funerals in particular a nightmare, up until then I had been numb with shock. I would have been distraught if anyone had questioned what my mother had wanted during this time.