7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

[Rhian1]

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

My grand mother said something similar when my grandfather died.
My cousin ( so their granddaughter) wanted to see her grandad after his death and attend the funeral. She was 12yo at the time.
My gran said it was the hardest thing she ever did, to allow her to see her husband. And to be there at the funeral.
She was very much if the view that children shouldn't be at funerals type if school.
She also says now that it's the best thing she ever did as it allowed closure for her granddaughter and in some ways for herself too.

I think that in that case, it's actually your ds that should trump the wishes of everyone else first. It very much depends on how affected he is by the death, how often he saw his grandad and his understanding if death.
Then your grandfather wishes should be followed and then your grandmother's.

Are you sure your ds needs to attend the funeral or is it just that he is expecting it if that makes sense?

Re what to tell your ds. I would say that you had talked about what happens at a funeral. This is what us going to happen at your gran dad's but unfortunately he won't be attending because he will be at xxx. You can explain, if you think it's ok that your gran would find it too upsetting?
But finding childcare seems to be the most important thing for you to do.

OP if you are going to grudgingly accept your grandmother' swishes then don't go at all. I mean it. Your GM has just lost her husband, her spouse, the father of her children. If brides get to be unreasonable about who is at their wedding then she does with bells on.

The fact that you have now had 3 separate people talk to her about this - your mum, vicar, you - suggests you are really badgering her. Let it drop.

And frankly your son's grieving process is way less important than your grandma's. Who cares if he feels resentment later compare to the resentment she will feel if her DH funeral is in her eyes spoiled?

Just to add, my mother was horrified at the thought we would take Dd and was insistent that she looked after her instead. But I know that as a child I had an intense fear of death and dying that was caused by death being constantly hidden from me. So I knew my mother was not the person to be taking advice from in that situation. When I first attended a funeral it was of a young person who had died in traumatic circumstances rather than the death of an elderly relative (which, while still sad, is to be expected). This made it worse because I was coping with it being my first funeral and the trauma of the whole situation as well iyswim.

it looks like I am going to have to begrudgingly bow down to my grandmothers wishes

I agree that it's bonkers but try and do it graciously.

I don't think it really matters whether the op takes the child out of school or not, let her handle it her way, doesn't matter what anyone else did, she isn't asking about the child missing school!

Think the OP is getting a ridiculously hard time here.

Logistically, my husband needs to come, aside from him wishing to pay his last respects I need a 'chauffeur'.

''better off not going at all.'' really don't think that is appropriate. I cannot imagine how hard this is on my Nan, I don't even want to think about burring a husband after 60 years. I am clearly not happy about the restrictions she is placing, so to respect her wishes I will be compromising my own wishes. This is bowing down, yes begrudgingly, as I would rather it be my decision whether he attend or not, but not disrespectfully with a chip on my shoulder.

Sorry for your loss. Graciously accept your grandmother's decision, and try not to show any lingering resentment as you comfort each other.

You, your DS and your DH will find another wY to mark your grandfather's passing.

Your husband can drive you, your son may have to come but he should not be at the funeral.

Please stop pressuring your grandmother, and please stop getting others to lean on her too. That's not fair.

I am sorry for your loss.

With respect, a 7 year old is not really prepared for a funeral.
And so what if he is? It is not like you promised him a trip to Alton Towers and he now cant go, it is a funeral. Funerals are all about respect and the wishes of the closest family.

I am not sure why your husband needs to be at the funeral of his wife's grandfather though. His needs, and your sons needs for a day out does not trump the wishes of the widow, who has lost her spouse.

I think she does not want your son to see grief up front, and will not want to have to hold back her tears to show a brave face to a child.

In my friends funeral, 20-30 kids came to show respect to their classmates mum, and believe me it was like visiting the wailing wall. I am sure these kids have also been prepared. What often hit them like a punch to the stomach is the thought that mum and dad will one day die too. They may be too young to understand that this might be 50 years into the future, the fear may be very real.

Innogen, I'm sorry, that must have been very traumatic for you. I suppose we all experience grief differently.

I do agree that OP can't take her son under these circumstances. Just think it's a shame that her GM is taking this position. I couldn't have imagined trying to control who was going to come to the funerals I had to arrange.

I think maybe it's a generational thing. Years ago, young children wouldn't have been expected to attend. Maybe to protect them, maybe because it wasn't seen as appropriate, I dunno.

I think in this case you should respect your dg' s wishes and not take him.

I am facing a family funeral in the next few weeks. It won't be long.

And if my mother doesn't want my kids there, or wants me there in a purple top with orange socks and a bright yellow tutu then damn sure that's what she'll get.

Because she will be the one burying her husband, my dad, and I'll move mountains to do EXACTLY what she wants.

Because I love her. And she and her wishes come first.

Can your son not stay in school and have a sleepover at a friend's house that night?

I think you are going to have to accept your Grandmother's feelings.

Personally, I can't understand why children have to be shielded from death to the extent that a lot are nowadays.
How are children to grow up emotionally mature if they are shielded from sadness and aren't allowed to express their grief fully.

Years ago they used to keep the person who had died in the front room until the funeral! And everybody came and went as they pleased. The person was still very much a part of the family.
I realise that's a bit extreme, but sometimes I think we have gone TOO much the other way.

As somebody else mentioned, maybe you could have your own little tree planting ceremony, or something similar, so that your son has a proper way of saying goodbye and is able to express his feelings fully.

I hope it all goes well.

Although your grandmother has suffered a loss, I really don't think its her place to make that decision.

It's her husband's funeral!!

Sometimes, it really isn't about children!

Years ago they used to keep the person who had died in the front room until the funeral! And everybody came and went as they pleased. The person was still very much a part of the family. I realise that's a bit extreme, but sometimes I think we have gone TOO much the other way.

Years ago the world wasn't child-centred and they could be trusted to behave in a church/crematorium.

Going by some services I've been to, that isn't always the case these days.

thank you littlejohnnydory!! And no Soggysandpit, there are no other options for childcare.

I get the impression most of you are assuming I am using this as a 'learning experience' or 'fun day out' for my son. I am not actually daft. My opinion is that he should attend. (this was,however, not the topic I wanted to discuss!!)
I wanted to know how to deal with the situation:

we want, and he wants to attend. vs. him not being allowed to attend.

I took dd aged 11 to my aunt's funeral. Dd was a sensible child and I thought she was well prepared, but it was a mistake to take her. She got really upset during the service and she had to leave before it was over. I was a bit shocked at how deeply it affected her.

Maybe your grandmother is dreading something like a pp wrote, with her dggs handing round tissues and being on display really helpful. I'm really old fashioned about this stuff and don't subscribe to the view that children cheer everyone up and make them feel better.

Sorry for your loss OP. I agree with you. My DC have attended the funerals of three great grand parents. None of them found it traumatic. I am glad that they got to say goodbye.

I think their presence at the funeral brought comfort to my surviving grandparents and my parents to see the generations continuing. If a funeral is truly to celebrate a life then being a great grand parent is definitely something worth celebrating!

Unfortunately there's probably not much that you can do without causing a scene. Death is still such a taboo in our society and one that should be challenged, but i don't think your DGF's funeral is the time to do it.

Would you say the same if it was a wedding, Rhian1? If he knew the groom, but the invite didn't include him, you'd asked, got the vicar to ask, but the bride was still saying no he wasn't invited?

Because I actually think that would be rude. And disrespectful. And it's even more so at a funeral.

I am also not badgering an old grieving lady. There was a conversation with my grandmother, my mother and the vicar about children at funerals, to which my grandmother said adamantly no and ended the conversation. I knew nothing of this until she just phoned to tell me my son wasnt welcome.
Feeling somewhat badgered myself though!

Op, I think your plan sounds like the best that you can do in the circumstances. I am sorry that you are so upset about this, hopefully you can move on and focus on supporting your granny through her bereavement. I appreciate you are grieving too, but given how far away you live, I am sure you can see how this is much harder on your gran than you?

Your child will get over it, my children were uninvited to a family wedding after we had got their outfits etc as my sil decided she wanted the wedding child free - the kids were disappointed, but they got over it. I am sure your little one will too. Sure you can still let him lay flowers on the grave etc.

I believe this isn't her decision to make.

I agree. He's your son's flesh and blood. He has a right to honour that without looking for permission.

I will prob be shouted down for this but your gran is wrong. My own grandmother took a similarly controlling stance when my grandad died, dictating the guest list, who could and couldn't send flowers etc and she pissed off and alienated a lot of people.

Nieces and nephews, great grandchildren etc were "banned" from the house before and ceremony as not close enough relations. Is your gran by any chance a bit Hyacinth Bouquet? My nan is very into appearances and keeping them up and she wanted to stage manage everything. In our case relations simply took so much offence that they came to bits they'd been "banned" from regardless and she went mental. In hindsight someone should have dealt with my grandmothers controlling stance but no one had the guts to so it caused a massive family rift.

I think spouse or not, no one has the right to dictate who's "important enough" to mourn. Funerals should be open to anyone who wants to pay their respect.

I'd be tempted to take your son and just steadfastly refuse to move if she tries to get you to leave. But this is with the hindsight of my own grandads funeral.