7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

[Rhian1]

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

[ExitPursuedByABear]

When dd was 2 weeks old we attended a funeral of a close family friend. DH pushed her round the cemetery whilst I attended the funeral, and then we drove home.

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

Is it the funeral itself she doesn't want him at, or the funeral and the wake (assuming there is a wake?).

So if you can get through the funeral on your own (although I'm imagining you'll have family there with you?), and then your DP and DS come to the wake so you have support there, providing that your grandmother is happy with that?

[Rideronthestorm]

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I'm glad you are going to obey your grandmother's wishes. In our family the tradition is that DCs do not go to funerals until they are 14 or so. It may be the same for your grandmother. The decision has to be hers and hers alone.

[Pagwatch]

Of course you don't want to do that alone. And wanting your dh and son to be there is natural.
I understand where you are coming from.
But again, it's not what your grandmother wants so you have to figure out how to respect her wishes.

[Annunziata]

It is selfish to expect a seven year old to support you at a funeral.

[reluctantphotographer]

Just because your 7 year old wants to do something, doesn't mean he should.

[fluffyraggies]

What ever you think about the pro's and con's of children at funerals i cannot believe there are people who are hinting that the OP should go against the wishes of the deceased's poor wife and turn up with the boy anyway! My mind boggles! In what universe would that do anyone any good?! Can youiagine the poor child stood there while his DM, GM and GGM argue at the morgue or the church? Dear god.

Would these people also advise turning up to a child free wedding with your kids in tow - just because you feel it's important for kids to be there?

Perhaps the poor widow feels worried she may actually collapse with grief on the day and wouldn't want her GGS to witness this :( :(

to you OP. You have not suggested 'crashing' the funeral i know.

[Rhian1]

I am trying my best to bring up my son. I think, so far I am doing a pretty good job.

Your son is 7, he is a child and he will not be invited to some things. This isn't a party, I am aware and I'm sure he knows too that it isn't always about him and he wont always get his own way. Seriously?! Funerals aren't invite only.

And yes this post is I, I, I because I am asking for support in what is a difficult time for me. I am not completely selfish and unaware of other peoples wishes and feelings, but I am here asking other mums for help with what I am going through. You can think I am selfish, that's fine. But thank you too all of you who have had something constructive to say and have been helpful.

[Rhian1]

For real Annunziata of course I would not be expecting my seven year old son to support me.

fluffyraggies Thank you, no I have not suggested this, and would not ever consider 'crashing' the funeral. I am not out to cause a scene, or upset anybody!

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Can't you get a train? I'm sorry - but I find your position grossly unreasonable and heartless actually

I'm en route from my grandmother's funeral -350 miles from home - and I've moved heaven and earth to have my 18 month old looked after. If I hadn't been able to, DH would have stayed at home with him. No doubt posters will be on to quack about the difference between an 18 month old and a 7 year old. But my point is that, it's actually harder to find overnight childcare for an 18 month old in that situation, I think, is it really the case that no mother at school would step in to take your DS after school until you get home? I wouldn't hesitate to help out in the circumstances

I'm horrified at the vicar too - how inappropriate. Your poor DGM. My grandfather and uncle died very suddenly within 4 weeks if each other when I was 8. My DGM was an absolute mess - understandably - we were staying at her house fr about a week between each death and the funeral. She obviously tried to hold things together I front of my sister and I as best she could. However, I know both funerals were full of deeply distressed adults. Neither my DSis or I went as it was a time for the adults to let go. We totally understood that, age 6 and 8

[Sallystyle]

I don't really understand her not wanting your child there.

I think it is important for children to experience the reality of death as it is just natural. As hard as it is just normal and children are able to deal with it. It is normal for it to be sad, to see adults sad; it is just a part of living.

Now I know your grandmother is 'chief mourner' but really, he was a father and grandfather as well. I don't think she actually has any right to tell you your son can't go and say goodbye to his flesh and blood. It is not just her grief, she can't say who gets to go to the funeral.

I think she is being very unreasonable.

However; that said, I think I would still respect her wishes because I just wouldn't want to upset her even more but I do not agree with her doing this. Grief is an awful thing and people do not think straight so I am sure she is doing what she thinks is best. As your sons mother, I do think it is your job to decide what is best because while it is her husbands funeral, many others are grieving for him too and have the right to say goodbye.

I wouldn't want the confrontation though so I wouldn't take him but I would also not be happy with her decision and I would quietly disagree with it while trying to understand that her head is probably all over the place.

[ModreB]

A funeral is not about the wishes of the family of the deceased. It is about the life of the deceased person, and who was important in that life.

If the OP's son was important to the deceased person, that is the over-riding issue. Not who should be seen to be there or not.

[thegreylady]

I would arrange to get a helium balloon and have your dh (or whoever is caring for your son) to help him write a little goodbye message and draw a picture for Grandad. They could then go somewhere quiet, possibly somewhere that your ds went with your grandad and release the balloon and picture (tied to balloon) and say;"bye bye Grandad" so he has that special moment. At home you can plant a small rosemary bush (rosemary for remembrance) or some forgetmenot seeds and put a little plaque beside it with dates and a message.

[MozzchopsThirty]

'went to a funeral when I was three. So did my cousin. We both knew why we were there and what it meant'

Really???????
You must have been an extraordinary 3 year old

[HygieneFreak]

Havent read the whole thread, but wanted to add this...

I went to my fathers funeral at 9 years old. It was an awful, traumatic experience.

At the age of 27, i can not go into a church without being took back to the funeral at 9 years old.

As soon as i walk through the church doors, i burst into tears.

I hate churches for that reason.

Funerals are not places for children!

[springbabydays]

A word of advice OP, as I had to say goodbye to my dgm recently. The next funeral you attend after this one might be hers.

Consider that as you 'grudgingly accept' her wishes.

Enjoy her while you still can, do not take her for granted and do not make her feel worse than she already does.

[Sallystyle]

This whole thread is 'I I I'. How dare you speak about your grandmother in the way you have! She has lost her husband and she gets to pick.

I don't really agree. As I said, I think OP should respect her gm's wishes as now is not the time for confrontation, but I don't think a widow gets to pick who goes and who doesn't.

I remember my ex husband's widow trying to control things at the funeral while pushing out his parents because she was the 'chief mourner' A husband or wife's grief isn't the only grief that matters. If gm asked the OP not to go would that be ok? I don't think it is ok to try to dictate who goes to a funeral, even if that person is a child.

I don't get it.

I know I am in the minority, but after experiencing taking three children to two funerals in 6 months (one their father's, the other their paternal grandfathers) I think it is very natural and healthy for children to go and I would hate someone telling me my child couldn't go and say goodbye when I consider it an important part of the grieving process.

I wouldn't want to upset my gm any more so I would suck it up but it doesn't make the gm's request reasonable.

[Kittymautz]

Somedizzy:

Yes you can rank grief. Or are you saying the grief of someone who has lost their life partner after 50 years, is the same as that of a small child who has lost their DGG?

It's all about how close you were to the deceased, and how much difference their loss will mean in your life.

I know for a fact that my grief at losing my Mum in her fifties, was 1000 times worse than when my elderly Grandmother died.

[ProcessYellowC]

Sorry for your loss. And sorry you are getting such a hard time on here.
You have said that you will respect your grandmother's wishes.

I hope you find your own way through it all with your son and husband. Will your son be able to spend some time with your parents while you are there, if not necessarily at the funeral?

[Sallystyle]

*A funeral is not about the wishes of the family of the deceased. It is about the life of the deceased person, and who was important in that life.

If the OP's son was important to the deceased person, that is the over-riding issue. Not who should be seen to be there or not.
*

This in a nutshell.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

So what will your grandmother do about random people who tend to turn up at funerals. ( my mil is a professional funeral goer she goes the funeral of any slight acquaintance, my grandmother was the same). One of them could bring a child.

The thing you have to remember us that grieving people (I include both you & your gran in this) are often not reasonable.

Of course you want your dh for support.

I personally wouldn't take a young child to the funeral but can totally understand the logistics.

Don't know what the answer is I'm afraid.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

If any other church and you know the vicar (or who ever is charge) or even if you don't give them a ring ask for details . And ask if ok to bring son and if ok turn up.

If the vicar had any sense (thank God the OP said it was a vicar so there can't be any random Mass invading) then he will very quickly get the exact measure of why the OP is phoning him and not discussing it wth her family and refer her to her family without getting involved. Let's hope he doesn't go round to Granny's house to have another go at persuading her

[Rhian1]

This is why I am finding this so hard @springbabydays. I want to do right by my son while respecting my Grandmother wishes and not causing more grief. I don't want rifts or arguments, tensions. But I cannot be happy about this decision. The best I can hope for would be 'agree to disagree'.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

I'm not sure that the funeral is for the deceased. Unless they have left very specific instructions, it is for those left behind to do what they think is best.

My mum gave me a poem that she wanted reading at her funeral. She died. I couldn't find it. Chose what I thought was right. Moved house. Found poem. I'd chosen the wrong one. Put poem in purse for safe keeping. Left poem in bag. Left bag in car. Car stolen with bag and poem. Don't remember which poem it was.

Does it matter.

I don't know.

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

Mozz It was my brother's funeral. My parents had explained to me - obviously the way you explain to a child - and made sure I knew what a funeral was, how I had to behave at a funeral, and how important it was to say goodbye to my brother, before they decided whether to allow me to be there or not.