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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to leave her out of this?

227 replies

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:19

Okay please be kind, I'm genuinely not sure what to do here.

I have a DD, with my ex girlfriend. I am also female, if that is important at all. For reasons which are complicated, my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life, unavoidable on her part but I moved on thinking that she wouldn't be back.

So, I did move on..and now I live with my new partner. My new partner has never been referred to as my DD's mummy, and she has always been shown photos of ex and talks about her other mama.

Well, unbelievably my ex is back which is wonderful and she is building a beautiful relationship with DD which I'm so happy about. She's bought a house nearby and things are going really well.

Now DD & I have Ice Cream Mondays, where we go out for ice cream after school at a place in the next town. This has always been mummy and DD time, and my new partner has always respected this and understood that it is my alone time to bond with DD.

But yesterday I was held up at work and called ex to see if she could collect DD from the Childminders for me. She did as luckily it was her day off. DD asked could her other mummy come along for ice cream Monday, and I said yes, despite never having 'allowed' my partner to join us.

This has really upset my partner, she can't understand that it is different with ex, that she is DD's mama. She feels like her place has disappeared and I find this confusing as she has never 'been' DD's other mummy.

Sorry that this is so long. AIBU?

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 17/06/2014 18:23

I would be quite hurt if I was the new partner and had found out someone else had gone along.

harriet247 · 17/06/2014 18:25

I would be hurt too :(

MollySolverson · 17/06/2014 18:26

I would be hurt. I'd expect to be the one you called in a situation like that.

Exsqueezemeplease · 17/06/2014 18:26

I don't think you are being unreasonable. The last minute change of plan was about your DD havinh her Monday treat, not about her relationship with you, your partner or DD's other mummy.

It probably indicates some insecurity in your partner that had previously remained well masked. How does she feel in general about your ex being back on the scene?

Original poster

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:27

Really? Even though this is DD's Mummy? She's not just anybody. Oh dear ??

Thank you for responding.

OP posts:

Exsqueezemeplease · 17/06/2014 18:29

Oh, I think I may have misunderstood actually - I thought your ex had taken DD for ice cream by herself because you were working - did the 3 of you go together? Yes, I would be hurt by that.

MollySolverson · 17/06/2014 18:29

Why don't you get dp to do a bonding thing, and maybe ex too? So you have ice cream Mondays, dp has movie Wednesdays and ex has swimming Sundays, or whatever. Then dd gets to build her relationships with both her mummy's and her stepmummy. It sounds like maybe dp wants more of a role in dd's life, which is fair enough. You live together so presumably you're in it for the long haul

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/06/2014 18:29

I think your new partner should respect the fact that your first partner is also your daughter's mama, and it is lovely that she has been able to take daughter for her ice-cream. New partners don't replace old partners - surely, they are simply new nice people in the child's life? New partner should respect this.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 17/06/2014 18:31

I think your ex and your DD need to do things together if she is to maintain a parent role, but the 3 of you behaving like a family is absolutely bound to hurt your new partner - if I were divorced and re-married I wouldn't continue to do family activities with the kids and their dad together, he would have his time with the kids and I would have mine - surely that situation is fairly "universal" or standard, whether both parents are the same gender or different.

Explain to your new partner you thought it was right for DD, but you need to change the arrangement - it looks to anyone as if you are re-forming a family unit with your ex, which will of course hurt and exclude any new partner...

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 18:31

Imprprobably going to get flanked here but before I can decide on something I need more info,

Is your ex partner in any way biologically linked to DD?

Because if she is not, then in my eyes she has the same"position" as your new partner, and I can see why your partner is so upset by this.

However if your ex is biologicaly linked to DD then I can kind of understand why you would put ex over your new partner in terms of contact with DD, but your partner is still going to be very upset by this.

Your ex has not been around for years, and made no effort when DD was younger so I see no reason to include her so avidly so soon.

gymboywalton · 17/06/2014 18:34

i agree with boudicca

if your ex has no biological connection and hasn't been around for years then in what way is she her mummy?

DaffyDuck88 · 17/06/2014 18:34

Possibly. I can see it from both sides, for your nothing has changed except your ex is back on the scene and building a relationship with your DD which is great for all of you. But, I can also see from your DPs perspective that it is potentially a little 'happy family' unit that she can't be part of it for the obvious reason that she isn't DD's 'other mummy'.

Maybe she has spent all this time respecting your Mummy & DD time, but really wishing she was part of it. Or that you were all more of an official 'family' at least. I'm sure you all do other things together but I guess for her it might seem less potentially threatening if you enforced the Mummy & DD time rule with your Ex, who lets face it had left you holding the bag.
Ask yourself if you still have feelings for your Ex, maybe your Dp is picking up on that as possibility.

I'm really glad for your and your DD to be rebuilding this relationship with your Ex, that is really wonderful. Maybe your Dp just needs reassurance that you see a place for her too in this rosy future.

Hope everything works out.

OorWullie · 17/06/2014 18:37

I think it was a one off- as in when you went to get your daughter off her other mumma she asked on the spot and it was a spur of the moment thing then it's not so bad and nice that you can both get along enough to do something together.

if it was something you plan to do every monday together i can see why she would be hurt.

DragonMamma · 17/06/2014 18:43

I would also be hurt. Your dp has respected that this is your time with DD to bond and to invite your ex, who's only recently back on the scene, would definitely be a kick in the teeth.

BasicallyFcuked · 17/06/2014 18:48

I'm also wondering in what way the ex is her 'mama'?

Does the ex have parental responsibility? Did you both adopt her together? Or you give birth and the ex adopt her? Is your DD biologically your ex's?

If none of these are the case, and the ex has had no input in your DD's life from a young age, I cannot see how she is considered her other parent at all. And in regards to your op, if I was in your new partners position then yes I would be very hurt.

diddl · 17/06/2014 18:49

You put in your OP that it is your time to bond the your daughter.
Perhaps her other mum could collect her on another day and have some bonding time.

Original poster

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:56

Thanks everyone.

Ex does have parental responsibility of DD, we chose to have her together using a donor and I carried her. I will say that she didn't 'leave' us, it was an insanely complicated situation which I don't want to go into but she couldn't physically be with us, my new partner knew this. Neither ex nor I thought that this reunion was possible.

I have been clear with my partner from the start that I don't want her to be mum to DD, that's not an available role. She is close with DD in her own way, and they love each other no doubt.

My partner doesn't feel over the moon about ex being back, no. She doesn't like her, they are very different people.

OP posts:

Ninetysixpercent · 17/06/2014 19:00

I actually think it must he lovely for a child of separated parents to have two parents who get along and for her to spend time with both of you occasionally. I realize it's not the norm but nonetheless I don't see why two parents no longer in a relationship can't both take their child out.
The issue here is your dp's insecurities. She sounds like she needs reassurance.

TheHappyMonkey · 17/06/2014 19:01

I feel a bit sorry for your DP, I imagine I would feel quite excluded if I were in her shoes.

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 19:02

I'm sorry but I think your being very unfair to your new partner. Your ex has no biological link to DD and as far as parental responsibility, she hasn't been around for years and taken no responsibility regardless of the reason for this.

If I was your partner I would be very hurt that suddenly you have put someone else who also has no biological link to DD over me. That suddenly your time alone with DD has become a family reunion, and I would be terrified it was going to become a ongoing thing.

Your partner is feeling pushed to the sidelines, because the glorious ex has returned (for now).

BasicallyFcuked · 17/06/2014 19:02

Other than prison, i'm struggling to think of any 'acceptable' reason that a parent could not physically be with their child tbh.

DialsMavis · 17/06/2014 19:03

Do you want to get back with your ex?

Nanny0gg · 17/06/2014 19:04

Okay. You asked if your genders were relevant, so let's look at it in the 'conventional' (sorry) way.

Let's make your ex and new partner male. You have a baby, you split with your ex for a while, no contact and then he swans back into your lives when you have a new partner. You are pleased because he wants contact with his daughter now.

You go out with your DD, just you and her every week, exclusively. Your DP isn't ever included and doesn't mind. BUT because you are delayed one day you ask your ex to do pickup and then he is invited to join you.

Can you not see why your DP would be upset? Why didn't you ask your DP to do it?

What relationship do you foster between your DP and your DD?

Nanny0gg · 17/06/2014 19:06

Cross posts,.

Why does it have to be 'mum'? Why can't it be 'step-parent'?

Otherwise I don't see how the relationship can work - she has to have some role if she's your partner!

BumpNGrind · 17/06/2014 19:09

This is a tough one. I think that maybe DD's mama should have taken her for a treat, but done something else. You and DD have the special routine and if you aren't willing to share it with your DP then I can see why DP would be hurt that it's been shared with the ex.

However, I don't see this as a major crisis because you sound like you've been fair and are trying to do right by everyone, maybe you and DP could do something special this weekend with dd?

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