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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave her out of this?

227 replies

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:19

Okay please be kind, I'm genuinely not sure what to do here.

I have a DD, with my ex girlfriend. I am also female, if that is important at all. For reasons which are complicated, my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life, unavoidable on her part but I moved on thinking that she wouldn't be back.

So, I did move on..and now I live with my new partner. My new partner has never been referred to as my DD's mummy, and she has always been shown photos of ex and talks about her other mama.

Well, unbelievably my ex is back which is wonderful and she is building a beautiful relationship with DD which I'm so happy about. She's bought a house nearby and things are going really well.

Now DD & I have Ice Cream Mondays, where we go out for ice cream after school at a place in the next town. This has always been mummy and DD time, and my new partner has always respected this and understood that it is my alone time to bond with DD.

But yesterday I was held up at work and called ex to see if she could collect DD from the Childminders for me. She did as luckily it was her day off. DD asked could her other mummy come along for ice cream Monday, and I said yes, despite never having 'allowed' my partner to join us.

This has really upset my partner, she can't understand that it is different with ex, that she is DD's mama. She feels like her place has disappeared and I find this confusing as she has never 'been' DD's other mummy.

Sorry that this is so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
Subtext · 17/06/2014 19:09

You say your ex left because she wasn't physically able to be with you, but did you guys actually break up? Was your relationship properly over before you met your current partner?

I feel sorry for your DP. Your ex might have PR but she's obviously been off the scene for years. Suddenly she swans back into your lives and is instantly allowed to come along to ice cream Monday - something you've specifically excluded your DP from.

I'd feel hurt if I were her. And I'd be worried about the ex's intentions. Does she plan to stick around? Is ice cream Monday always going to be the three of you? Will she suddenly become 'physically unable' to be around again and your DP will be expected to help you pick up the pieces?

Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 19:11

Ex was very, very unwell and unexpected to recover. This was over a long period of time, not as though I moved on in an instant. She was not expected to recover, and amazingly she has.

I find it ever so slightly insulting that because DD is not biologically ex's, she isn't seen as a 'real' parent, would the same be said to hetero couples who adopted but then split?!

My partner is just that, she is not DD's mum but they get along very nicely. Believe me, I know that this is a bit if a mess and I guess there is unfortunately a tiny piece of me that enjoys this as 'the way it should have been'.

OP posts:
Subtext · 17/06/2014 19:16

Do you still have feelings for your ex?

I'm a step mum to my DP's DD. What you just said about enjoying it as 'the way it should've been' is my worst fear. If I ever thought DP felt like that about his ex and DD I would end our relationship.

I really feel for your DP.

Why isn't she at least afforded the role of step mum? Sounds like you're purposefully keeping her at arm's length. And if I had to guess why I'd say it's because you'd prefer to be a family with your ex.

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 19:16

You want to get back with your ex deep down don't you? It's ok to admitt it, it's not a crime. We all have our own feelings.

I think you need to really evaluate who you want, what life you want before this spirals in to a massive mess.

I think your DP can sense this and is upset and worried that your going to go away, and she has the right to feel this way.

I would advise you to decide what family unit you want, and to take action before too many people get hurt.

diddl · 17/06/2014 19:16

It's easy to see why the new partner is hurt.

How did it come about?

Did your daughter ask as you were collecting her from ex?

In which case I can see how it was difficult to say no.

I assume it won't be a regular thing.

Why do you keep your partner at a distance from your daughter?

W00woo · 17/06/2014 19:18

Hi OP. Have you thought about whether you wish to try to make a new start with your exp?

Nanny0gg · 17/06/2014 19:19

Believe me, I know that this is a bit if a mess and I guess there is unfortunately a tiny piece of me that enjoys this as 'the way it should have been'.
And this is probably what your 'new' partner can sense.

You're about to treat her very badly I think...

magoria · 17/06/2014 19:19

I completely understand where your P is coming from.

You seem determined to make it very clear she is just your P and nothing to do with DD at all.

You made it brutally clear that that this was mummy and DD alone time.

However slightest excuse and your ex is in there sharing this special time you have excluded her from.

You honestly don't think your P picks up that a tiny piece of me that enjoys this as 'the way it should have been'

She's probably counting the days before you waltz off into the sunset as a happy family leaving her.

ILoveWooly · 17/06/2014 19:20

It sounds like you still have feelings for your ex. Perhaps your partner can sense this?

Doodleloomoo · 17/06/2014 19:20

I can see why dp is hurt, but I can see how it happened on your part. I think you need to acknowledge her upset and prevent such situations in the future.

Unless I was chained down out of sight somewhere, nothing could cause me to 'leave' my dd for a couple of years. Was she in prison?

Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 19:21

Yes, DD was the one who said 'can Mama come?' and I didn't want to say no, and it was nice.

I suppose I have always just been mindful of the fact that DD already has another mum, and that space wasn't available. I never led my partner to believe that it was. She knew the score from the word go.

She doesn't like my ex for a variety of reasons but none of those reasons reflect my ex's personality.

OP posts:
nilbyname · 17/06/2014 19:21

Im guessing it was a self preservation, addiction thing? Otherwise I am struggling to get my head around the breakdown in the original relationship.

Sorry, I know you are disinclined to give specifics, but your new partner must be reeling. You are treating her with little respect here.

And how, how can you have a partner, a parent to your child in all but name, and think this is ok?

Doodleloomoo · 17/06/2014 19:21

X post, apologies OP.

thatwhichwecallarose · 17/06/2014 19:22

I think YABU and you know it.

I don't understand why you are excluding your new partner from being a parental figure to your dd. She's her stepmum and if you don't allow her to play that role now, dd will rebel against her big time.

And from follow on posts, it seems as though you dp is right to be jealous x

nilbyname · 17/06/2014 19:23

Id feel like a chump TBH.

Backinthering · 17/06/2014 19:23

But she's not been your child's mother, had she? She's not been there for her. If she was male I guess I'd refer to her as a sperm donor and say that your current partner had actually been the real parent by being there for your little girl.

Georgethesecond · 17/06/2014 19:24

Accepting your view that your DD has two mums and your partner isn't one of them, I still think anyone in her shoes would feel upset and excluded by what you have done. Put yourself in her shoes - how would you feel?

KellyHopter · 17/06/2014 19:26

None of your partners reasons for disliking your ex are down to your ex's personality?

Not even that she didn't stick around for the baby she apparently wanted?

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 19:27

Your poor DP this is going to end in tears for her, I really feel for her.

She already dislikes the ex for personal reasons, and now your swanning around with her declaring the ex to be the mother and therefore takes president.

I'm.guessing your DP has been there for a while and has done childcare for you and expresses love and affection for DD, has been there for her when she falls and scrapes her knee, has taken her to the cinema and enjoyed family time with her, but yet isn't offered the decency of a stepmother role?!

Your DP is about to be very hurt soon I can see it.

QueenofallIsee · 17/06/2014 19:27

Good Lord, what a mess this could end up being. I would be very hurt in your DPs shoes. I would worry very much that this woman who 'unavoidably' left and (I suspect) broke your heart, is now back in the picture and worse still NOT as an ex but as the missing bit of your family. No regard in your post for the fact that your DP was building a family and a life with you before wonder woman came back into the picture

You are being very unfair to your DP I think, it is verging on disrespectful. I imagine that you are confused, thrilled, scared etc etc but don't forget what you have with her and what she meant to you

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 19:27

You can be a parent by biology or by intent and action.

I think what is a bit confusing is that your DDs other mother sounds to have been entirely absent until recently. Almost as though she had abdicated her role. Did she phone, skype, send postcards and small things to your DD while she was physically absent? In what way did she maintain her motherhood as it were?

Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 19:30

She didn't choose to leave us. Please take my word on that. She came back as soon as she could.

I am confused about my feelings, I suppose. But my partner has always known that I still had lots of love for my ex.

Kelly, she doesn't like her because they are just different. My ex is quite glamorous and 'flashy' I guess, which my partner doesn't like because she's not like that. Ex can also seem quite snippy if you don't know her well enough to understand her sense of humour.

OP posts:
OneStepCloser · 17/06/2014 19:30

Do you think your partner may feel threatend by your ex, both for you and her relationship with your dd?

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 19:32

I find it ever so slightly insulting that because DD is not biologically ex's, she isn't seen as a 'real' parent, would the same be said to hetero couples who adopted but then split?!

If the father was completely AWOL for an extended period? Absolutely it would.

Equally an involved, committed, permenant stepmother is a 'type' of mother and also deserves some of the priveleges that entails.

Do you think maybe you are just a shade too hung up on everyone's official 'job description'?

Backinthering · 17/06/2014 19:34

BrittBritt's DP, LTB.