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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave her out of this?

227 replies

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:19

Okay please be kind, I'm genuinely not sure what to do here.

I have a DD, with my ex girlfriend. I am also female, if that is important at all. For reasons which are complicated, my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life, unavoidable on her part but I moved on thinking that she wouldn't be back.

So, I did move on..and now I live with my new partner. My new partner has never been referred to as my DD's mummy, and she has always been shown photos of ex and talks about her other mama.

Well, unbelievably my ex is back which is wonderful and she is building a beautiful relationship with DD which I'm so happy about. She's bought a house nearby and things are going really well.

Now DD & I have Ice Cream Mondays, where we go out for ice cream after school at a place in the next town. This has always been mummy and DD time, and my new partner has always respected this and understood that it is my alone time to bond with DD.

But yesterday I was held up at work and called ex to see if she could collect DD from the Childminders for me. She did as luckily it was her day off. DD asked could her other mummy come along for ice cream Monday, and I said yes, despite never having 'allowed' my partner to join us.

This has really upset my partner, she can't understand that it is different with ex, that she is DD's mama. She feels like her place has disappeared and I find this confusing as she has never 'been' DD's other mummy.

Sorry that this is so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 17/06/2014 20:03

Were drugs involved in this, OP? Addiction and a custodial sentence?

Whatever the reason for the prolonged absence that meant she was never a part of DDs life until very recently, it sounds as if you have never got over her, that you want to play happy families but unfortunately DP is still hanging around spoiling things.

You've tried to keep DP at arms length in favour of a woman who played no part in bringing up DD but who gets to join "special" occasions shortly after coming back into your life. That was cruel and heartless of you.

crazykat · 17/06/2014 20:04

Yes your DDs 'other mother' role is taken by your ex, but your DP also has a significant role in your DDs life as her step-mother. I'm well aware that I'm not my DSDs mother but I am her step-mother and tbh if my DH was as insistent as you are that I'm not a parent to DSD then our marriage would be over. Biologically DSD isn't mine but I parent her as much as DH does when she's with us and I'd be devastated if DH spoke about me the way you do about your DP.

Cocolepew · 17/06/2014 20:05

Sorry if it's been said, I couldn't see it, but how old is your DD and how old was she when your ex went away?

ChasedByBees · 17/06/2014 20:06

I'm imaging coma.

I don't think you are being fair to your current partner. Your ex is your DD's mother - of course she is - but our DP has been a step mother.

If it's bonding time for you and DD, then it should be exclusively the two of you. You do sound like you have feelings for your ex. You need to be fair and honest your current DP.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/06/2014 20:06

If I were the current partner I would be hurt and wondering if what I thought was a solid long term relationship was in fact just a fling.

That you have stopped her (DP) from having a "role" that was already "taken" would also be a major concern especially as the ex is back on the scene.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/06/2014 20:07

You seem determined to make it very clear she is just your P and nothing to do with DD at all.

I am confused about my feelings, I suppose. But my partner has always known that I still had lots of love for my ex

Ex can also seem quite snippy if you don't know her well enough to understand her sense of humour

Please end your 'relationship' with your DP.

You're using her. Or have been, at least.

Seriously, give her a chance to be with someone who wants her as more than a stop gap or a rebound.

I feel desperately sorry for her.

ViviPru · 17/06/2014 20:09

I was wondering the same as Coco about DDs ages during these periods.

I also think you're desperately confused about your conflicting feelings towards your ex and are using her role in DDs life as a bit of a smokescreen.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/06/2014 20:10

Sorry the first quote was supposed to have been something I completely argree with.

BelleateSebastian · 17/06/2014 20:13

holy smoke, I'm confused and intrigued as to whether t'other 'Mama'was doing bird

FryOneFatManic · 17/06/2014 20:14

my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life

If the Ex is only lately back on the scene, this would suggest she's not very old at all. So she could only really know about her other mummy by hearing about her and seeing photos, with very little personal knowledge of her.

While all the time there's been another person living with them having to hear this also, being kept at arm's length and firmly told "you're not mum".

If I were the DP, I'd be planning to leave. This is not a healthy relationship as the OP is clearly far too emotionally involved with the Ex and is trying to avoid admitting she'd really like to get back with Ex.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2014 20:16

This is very confusing and as you're being particularly evasive about the reasons for your ex-P going away (drugs/mental illness/coma/prison/rehab) it's hard to imagine why she would have been apart from your DD Confused. Obviously you don't have to give all details, but without it's difficult to understand your situation and it seems, on the info that you've given, that you, at the very least, still have feelings for you ex and, at worst, would like to get back together. Based on what youv'e said, I feel very sorry for your DP.

Muffliato · 17/06/2014 20:16

The kindest thing for all involved is to separate from your dp at least while you sort out your feelings. You're coming across from a few posts as having feelings for your ex, so I can only imagine it's coming across much clearer to your dp, no wonder she was upset. She's probably feeling sidelined.

NotWeavingButDarning · 17/06/2014 20:18

Your poor DP. She is getting the shitty end of the stick here and no mistake.

You sound quite cold towards her and as if maybe you have treated her quite shabbily for some time. What is all this business about repeatedly repudiating the fact that she has a role in your DDs life? How hurtful.

Please be fair and either accept that she has a valued role as part of your family or finish with her and let her move on.

CinnabarRed · 17/06/2014 20:18

I assumed MH issues - perhaps the ex was sectioned or similar.

I think we have to accept the OP's word that the ex would have been there if she could.

OP - the part I don't understand is why you haven't let your DP be DD's step mum. From all you've written, she doesn't want to try to be DD's mama, but you seem to have frozen her out of any positive role. I think you need to ask yourself why that is.

Fatmanbuttsam · 17/06/2014 20:21

OP...I want to reiterate what the others have been saying....you are not being fair to your dp as things stand.
My partner is not. Step mum to my dcs....but that's her choice...she loves and cares about them, protects and defends them, tutors them, makes them clean up their mess and plays taxi driver and support team...but she never imagined herself with children and now that she has acquired them would rather not identify herself as that ( though my dcs like to tease her and say they have two mummies now)
Your dp has been more of a parent to your daughter than your ex has been whatever she has been titled....and you are not being fIt to her or your daughter for that matter

wafflyversatile · 17/06/2014 20:27

In this instance in isolation I would probably feel hurt and a bit put out. But I would understand that it was circumstances and at DC's request. Presumably DC sees less of your ex than she does of you and DP so having your ex might be a treat in a way that having your DP come along wouldn't be? Understandable but I would still be a bit upset.

More broadly I can understand that she might feel insecure about your ex being back on the scene. You didn't split up because you no longer loved each other but for circumstantial reasons. That's quite an insecure position to be in.

Maybe you need to step back from both and assess or maybe you need to find some way to reassure your DP that she's the one for you, and that your relationship with your ex is no more than co-parenting, friendship and history.

SpandexBallet · 17/06/2014 20:29

As a step mum I would be so hurt by your actions.
Your DP has probably had a hard time always being compared to your ex. And never feeling good enough to have the title she deserves when it comes to your DD

It's so unfair that this looks like a story where your testing the waters to see how we'd all react if you cheated with the ex.

With the greatest respect I hope you leave your DP or she leaves you because she deserves a shot at her own family.

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 20:32

I don't think this thread went the way the OP may have wanted....

Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 20:34

Thank you for all of the replies, definitely a lot to think about here.

I didn't want to mention what had happened to ex initially for two reasons, firstly it could out me and secondly because I can't actually believe it happened, it was incredibly traumatic and it sounds like something from a badly written TV movie. So I will just say that yes she was in a very bad accident, and was seriously damaged by this for a long time and unavailable to us physically and we were told that she would not recover.

I have a lot of guilt, I do. I shouldn't have moved on at all really, I feel terrible for doing so in the first place and yes, since she has been back I have found myself staying with my partner more out of 'wanting to do the right thing' - when clearly, I am not doing the right thing at all.

My ex is DD's mama. She wanted DD just as much as I did, and now that she is back she is doing all that she can to make up for lost time. How can I tell her that she has no place here? That through no fault of her own she has lost out?

This thread has shown me a lot of things. If it is so obvious via an internet forum that I still love my ex, then yes - I must have been causing my partner a lot of pain so I am going to speak to her and figure out what to do.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Fideliney · 17/06/2014 20:35

I don't think this thread went the way the OP may have wanted....

No.

If there is something identifying/specific about the illness that she can't say, it was probably a mistake to post at all.

Hope you get it sorted OP Flowers

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 20:40

Sorry- Xposted

My ex is DD's mama. She wanted DD just as much as I did, and now that she is back she is doing all that she can to make up for lost time. How can I tell her that she has no place here? That through no fault of her own she has lost out?

You are reading the collective advice as to tell your ex she has no place? REALLY??

I think you are hung up on a load of hetero-normative BS quite honestly.

Your ex is your DDs parent by intent, your DP is your DDs parent by action and you are her parent by biology and intent and action. At least that's how it reads to me. You could just make room for all three of you and get on with it?

QueenofallIsee · 17/06/2014 20:40

I am inappropriately imagining the Ex as Black Mamba (Kill Bill)

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 20:40

Im glad for all involved you have realised what feelings you still harbour for your ex, and there is no crime in it.

I hope you manage to sort it all out as amicably as possible and that everyone comes out as unscathed as possible.

I wish you the best of luck.

ViviPru · 17/06/2014 20:43

since she has been back I have found myself staying with my partner more out of 'wanting to do the right thing

There you have it. The sooner you start the difficult process of ending this relationship, the sooner everyone can lead a much happier existence. Good luck with it. Thanks

Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 20:43

Thank you. And I am sorry for the outrage I have caused Sad I am not a mean person, so I feel terrible that I was so blind to the situation.

OP posts: