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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave her out of this?

227 replies

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:19

Okay please be kind, I'm genuinely not sure what to do here.

I have a DD, with my ex girlfriend. I am also female, if that is important at all. For reasons which are complicated, my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life, unavoidable on her part but I moved on thinking that she wouldn't be back.

So, I did move on..and now I live with my new partner. My new partner has never been referred to as my DD's mummy, and she has always been shown photos of ex and talks about her other mama.

Well, unbelievably my ex is back which is wonderful and she is building a beautiful relationship with DD which I'm so happy about. She's bought a house nearby and things are going really well.

Now DD & I have Ice Cream Mondays, where we go out for ice cream after school at a place in the next town. This has always been mummy and DD time, and my new partner has always respected this and understood that it is my alone time to bond with DD.

But yesterday I was held up at work and called ex to see if she could collect DD from the Childminders for me. She did as luckily it was her day off. DD asked could her other mummy come along for ice cream Monday, and I said yes, despite never having 'allowed' my partner to join us.

This has really upset my partner, she can't understand that it is different with ex, that she is DD's mama. She feels like her place has disappeared and I find this confusing as she has never 'been' DD's other mummy.

Sorry that this is so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
JerseySpud · 17/06/2014 19:35

I honestly think you are being a bit of a cow to you 'd'p.

You tell her she can't be mummy to your DD and now the ex is back and you are swanning around like its you and the ex in a relationship again.

If you are unsure then leave your DP now before you break her heart more.

KatieKaye · 17/06/2014 19:35

I feel desperately sorry for DP, who has been this little girl's step-mum for some time, yet not allowed to really assume this role, always kept at arm's length because there is another mummy in the background. IF DD can have 2 mummies, why can't she have two mummies and a step-mummy too?

It sounds like one of these awful teenage girl things, where a third joins an established friendship and pushes one of the original partnership out.

What sort of relationship have you allowed DP and DD to form? You talk about how DD's relationship with ExP is "wonderful" - can't you see how that must hurt DP?

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 19:38

Back I'm with you too, I hope OP's DP leaves before she gets hurt.

Bet DP is over the fucking moon that the ex has bought a house down the road, and is now the go to person for pick ups in an emergency and is "mummy" but she dosnt even get to be step-mummy.

Teeb · 17/06/2014 19:40

Please op, end things with your current partner. You are being so cruel to her, if you want to be with your ex then do that, you certainly aren't sing kind or saving your current partner any hurt from all of this now. Your posts all read that you are enjoying this to be honest.

Nerf · 17/06/2014 19:41

I'm really confused about this illness. If ex was really poorly and potentially dying why didn't you go through that with your dd and her? I'm not getting how dd has a mama who vanished? And is now back? What does dd know?

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 17/06/2014 19:42

Yabu.

You are coming across as very defensive of dc's mum and have cast your dp as being unreasonable in her reaction.

You can have a wonderful relationship as a step parent with out being a parent. I don't think it's fair to side line your partner's feelings.
How do you think you would feel if the roles were reversed and you could see someone you loved wanting the happy ever after they were denied and not by their own choice?
There is room for all of you, happily, in the life of your daughter - but it's not fair to side line a partner who loves you and has been there for both of you while you find out if you can make a future with someone else.

It's not unreasonable of her in this situation to need reassuring after you made such a clumsy misstep. If I was her your response to it would certainly worry me and I think you need to meet your responsibilities to all parties here.
This isn't about putting obstacles in the way of your dd's relationship with her mum and if that's all you can see I don't think you're being quite honest. Your partner doesn't have to like her as long as she is supportive and positive about her and their relationship to your dd and civil in person. Maybe she has a point? Maybe she wouldn't feel so hostile if she had more confidence in you?

HaroldLloyd · 17/06/2014 19:43

Sounds to me like you want to be back with your ex.

And if it sounds like that based on one thread I bet every one of your current DPs senses is tingling.

Though saying that I can see the point of view that it was a good thing for your dd to have that time with you both, I can also see how hurtful it would be to your new partner, just as she had always been excluded.

Mothergothel1111 · 17/06/2014 19:43

If the original partner Is not biologicaly linked to DD and has not been present ( for what ever reason) she is not mama.

Your new DP has loved and cared for DD as a parent. She is the mama.

I think you need to sort your loyalties out, your new DP has been treated unfairly.

nilbyname · 17/06/2014 19:43

Wow. Just wow.

Do the decent thing and have a separation with your dp.

PrincessBabyCat · 17/06/2014 19:45

I don't think the genders make a difference here.

You invited your ex to something your current DP isn't allowed at.

I can see why she would be upset.

If you're going to do something for DD, I'd make it an occasion where DP knows ahead of time that exDP will be there as well instead of just springing it on her after the fact.

Nanny0gg · 17/06/2014 19:45

She came back as soon as she could.

But you'd moved on, (supposedly).

You're behaving very badly here, OP.

Tinkerball · 17/06/2014 19:47

Your not being fair to your DP and I guess she puts up with it because she loves you.

Tinkerball · 17/06/2014 19:47

And it doesn't matter how ill your ex was, it sounds like you are just making excuses for her.

ClashCityRocker · 17/06/2014 19:48

A step-parent can be just as valid a role as a mummy or daddy.

I can totally see why your DP was hurt - you can say 'you're not her mum' as much as you want, but as a step-parent she is part of your daughters family unit. Names don't matter much to a young child, and I suspect despite your intentions, if you have been together a while she sees your DP as far more of a 'mother figure' than her previously absent 'mama'.

Of course allow dd to see her mama - but not during your special 'mummy time'.

I would acknowledge that you can see why it was a hurtful thing to do, apologise, and then have a good long think about how you feel - because if you do still have romantic feelings towards your ex, you could end up totally destroying your dps self esteem as well as hurting her.

TheHappyMonkey · 17/06/2014 19:49

I do agree with what the others are saying, you dont talk about your DP with any sensitivity, care or love. Do you want her to just clear off now your ex is back?

crazykat · 17/06/2014 19:50

I really feel for your DP.

If my DH did something with DSD every week which I was excluded from, then one week he invited his ex along I would be incredibly hurt.

It doesn't matter that your ex was absent from your DDs life for a few years, that's irrelevant, what matters is up till now this weekly outing was only for you and your dd to the exclusion of your DP and she has supported you in this. Yet now, to her, you've invited your ex along whereas she's always been excluded.

BunnyPotter · 17/06/2014 19:51

Imagine your partner's ex turned up and bought a house nearby, only, she wasn't an ex because they never actually split up, she essentially came back from the dead and you knew DP still had lots of love for her. You think you'd feel happy about that? Really?

Then DP let ex join for bonding time with the child you'd been raising together, when you'd never been invited.

Please be kind to DP. You know exactly what you're feeling, you're just too scared to admit it.

KatieKaye · 17/06/2014 19:52

She came back as soon as she could.

Most mothers cannot bear the thought of being separated from their child far less staying out of contact for a prolonged period of time. Was it impossible for you and DD to visit ExP during this time? Did she Skype? Or was she just a person in a photo, with DP right there in the house, being part of your family, and yet not really a part?

You've behaved very badly to DP. She and DD do have a relationship, whether you like it or not. DP is much more DD's actual, day-to-day mum than ExP is - because she was there. It sounds like you have used this poor woman.

Floggingmolly · 17/06/2014 19:54

Why does your dd consider your ex to be her "other mummy", when she had no biological input into her conception and hasn't been around for years (and you say you never actually expected her to be "able" to come back??)

HaroldLloyd · 17/06/2014 19:57

I am struggling to think if a reason to stay away from your child for years.

Something to do with illness that's not her fault and you thought she was never coming back? Can't think of anything.

Obviously you think it was warranted but it seems a little odd on reading to me.

HavanaSlife · 17/06/2014 19:58

Unless she was in a coma or something I don't understand why there has been no contact, and if she was why did you not support her in someway if she is dds mama?

I can see why your dp is upset

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 20:00

I am struggling to imagine a life-threatening illness that requires the sufferer to go away and have no contact with their loved ones. We don't have leper colonies any more, do we? Even if you couldn't physically be together (contagion? isolation?) why would you split? Why no contact?

If there really is such a specific and identifying illness/situation that explains all of this, it was probably a mistake to post here when you can't give full explanation.

As it is, it really does like you are making excuses for dreadful behaviour.

Monopolice · 17/06/2014 20:01

I can't imagine a situation where if your ex was so very ill, that you weren't with her; or what could have been so very wrong or prison that would keep her away from her DD.

Without that - I'm not sure why she's getting so many chances from you.

StoneTheFlamingCrows · 17/06/2014 20:02

Did your ex have a mental illness? I am struggling to get my head around what kind of illness would lead to complete estrangement.

Fideliney · 17/06/2014 20:02

I was wondering whether illness was a euphemism too Mono