OP: I'm confused. You say that you didn't leave your partner because she was disabled, but because she would never recover. Doesn't that phrase 'never recover' mean one of three things: 1. She was going to stay in exactly the same state she was in for the rest of her life (that would be disabled, to a greater or lesser extent). 2. She was going to make some improvements but it would never be significant enough to constitute a 'recovery'. 3. Her injuries were so catastrophic that she would remain in this crisis and shortly pass away. I'm genuinely sorry that you've been through hell with this. Really, it sounds awful. But of the three options, none of which was acceptable to you, two options involve your partner becoming disabled, and one involves the partner passing away. I have personally experienced a love that would withstand any of those options - and, to be brutally honest, it's worth a heck of a lot more than your love as you have depicted it here tonight. Call me a dreamer, but I think that true love is about what you do and are for the other person, especially when the chips are down. Not 'do you think she's wonderful?' because you don't need to be particularly loving to be with someone you think is wonderful. Anyone could manage that. But 'do you have her back whatever happens?' which is harder and likely to require personal sacrifice. I don't think you've had ex's back, which is why I dare to say that she has gone through a much more hellish hell than you have - though I'm sure you have gone through hell of a sort. Just not the kind where you're physically incapacitated, without links to your baby and without anyone to get into bed with, never mind to help you with the lonely, frustrating road of rehabilitation.
You say that you never stopped 'being there'. I don't know what that means. Did you support her as if she was your partner still? If so, how was there time and emotional resources to 'move on'? In what sense were you there?
It seems that you refused to let your current partner have a step-parenting role because the other 'mama' role belonged to your ex and needed to be kept clear for her. But you said yourself that you thought she'd never recover. Therefore, it would have been positive for your DD to enjoy a step-parenting role with the person in a loving relationship with her mum. It seems unfair that your DD should have to leave a role open for a space that looked as if it would never be filled, while you were quite happy to fill your 'ex-shaped space' in your own life.
Every decision you have made seems to have been made because it would make life easier for you and give you something you wanted. Now your lack of commitment to your ex has backfired, because your earlier behaviour may mean there is no workable relationship with her in the future.
As a disabled parent, I also feel a bit insulted that you have made no effort to value/facilitate your ex's contribution to her baby's life. There's no mention of you trying to find different ways to reach out or of hanging in there in the hope of something changing. Let me assure you, if your ex's mind was clear around the time you stopped taking DD into visit her, she will have gone through anguish. You would have underestimated both child and mother if you think they couldn't possibly find a way to have a meaningful relationship with each other. There are plenty of illnesses and conditions where it's possible to be a perfectly good parent without facial response. And it needed patience.
Pumpkin: I don't think we've been told that the OP's ex was in an irreversible coma at the time she moved on. It sounds like there was more communication going on between them than that would allow for. She told us on the thread that neither of them thought the ex would be able to return home and live with them again. The OP also mentions that she gave up bringing their baby into see her mama because it was awkward as the ex wasn't able to respond. At that early stage, I'm sure she wasn't. (For many months, I wasn't able to do much in the way of responding to my own baby but we were saved by DH's tireless creativity in facilitating ways that I might be able to connect in some small way with her...and then bigger ways...until one day, suddenly, she was my girl as well as his! That took having a partner who loved us both enough to make his whole life about fighting for his family in those early days. How glad I am that he did. In the OP's case, she doesn't seem to have waited around for a number of years to see what trajectory for healing; there seems to be relatively little time between letting go and moving on, with virtually no effort made to facilitate any interaction (even touch) between DD and her ex. This, despite the fact that there was nothing to say with certainty that the ex's disability would be lifelong. As it happened, things changed but the OP hadn't waited for that possibility.
If I was good friends with the OP's current ex and had watched her agony at going through a deeply damaging and traumatic accident, only to witness her then losing her immediate family - lover/best friend and baby daughter - I would feel that they were well shot of such a selfish, callous person. OP, I'm not questioning anything to do with your ex. I'm simply saying that your love for her was clearly not strong enough to do anything but what was in your own best interests at the time. It was certainly not deep enough to drive you to stand by your ex with loyalty and compassion. As a disabled woman who shudders at the agony such actions would have caused me in a similar situation, I cannot help but compare your love with my DH's love. My DH would never choose a euphemism like 'moved on' when it actually meant 'cut ties with my lover because her body broke. Left her to her misery and largely looked elsewhere.'
I'm sorry to be provocative but I feel very strongly about this because of my own personal experiences.
I hope you find a way of sorting things out. 