Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave her out of this?

227 replies

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:19

Okay please be kind, I'm genuinely not sure what to do here.

I have a DD, with my ex girlfriend. I am also female, if that is important at all. For reasons which are complicated, my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life, unavoidable on her part but I moved on thinking that she wouldn't be back.

So, I did move on..and now I live with my new partner. My new partner has never been referred to as my DD's mummy, and she has always been shown photos of ex and talks about her other mama.

Well, unbelievably my ex is back which is wonderful and she is building a beautiful relationship with DD which I'm so happy about. She's bought a house nearby and things are going really well.

Now DD & I have Ice Cream Mondays, where we go out for ice cream after school at a place in the next town. This has always been mummy and DD time, and my new partner has always respected this and understood that it is my alone time to bond with DD.

But yesterday I was held up at work and called ex to see if she could collect DD from the Childminders for me. She did as luckily it was her day off. DD asked could her other mummy come along for ice cream Monday, and I said yes, despite never having 'allowed' my partner to join us.

This has really upset my partner, she can't understand that it is different with ex, that she is DD's mama. She feels like her place has disappeared and I find this confusing as she has never 'been' DD's other mummy.

Sorry that this is so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2014 20:43

So, basically
Your Ex had an accident from which you thought she wouldn't recover.
You moved on with your life.
Your ex did recover and has returned.
You never lost your feelings for her and have realised this now she's back.

Is that right? Very, very tricky. Sad for your DP, but I can understand your situation now.

Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 20:44

That is exactly, exactly the situation Avon. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 20:45

I just also want to say that I didn't abandon my ex. I did visit her, and took DD to see her a couple of times but found it to be very upsetting as at that point ex was unresponsive. It's all a huge mess. I did visit her, and my partner knew of this.

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2014 20:46

Thanks for all of you, I think. Good luck, OP. I hope you find a way to work it out for everyone.

HaroldLloyd · 17/06/2014 20:47

Does your ex feel the same way do you know?

As long as you handle the situation sensitively and treat your partner with respect that's all you can do, it's better to come clean than drag it on.

Boudica1990 · 17/06/2014 20:47

None of us know how we will feel in any situation till we are in it. It took your ex coming back for you to feel you wanted more.

It's time.now to start the wheels of change as best you can. Your current partner deserves honesty and as much as it will hurt her in the long run it will be better for her than being strung along for months and heaven forbid something "silly" happens between you and your ex due to feelings that are still there.

Take time and good luck

AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2014 20:47

I mean, that you all find a way to work things out, not you all by yourself.

nilbyname · 17/06/2014 20:47

Now you know what to do, so with courage, please do it. Your DP needs to hear it, and everyone deserves their happiness.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/06/2014 20:48

Britt still being in love with the woman you had planned to spend the rest of your life with, the woman you planned a family with doesn't make you a mean person.

You moved on before you were ready. It happens.

The only 'mean' thing now would be to stay with your DP who you obviously don't want to be with. She probably knows it to.

Let her go. If your family gets back together, that's not a bad thing. But don't do it at the expense of someone else.

Original poster
BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 20:49

Yes Harold, she does. She has tried to be respectful but she has made her feelings clear, she feels angry about the situation too. I'm the only one really who had any power here so I've got a lot of cleaning up to do. But ultimately, DD & I belong with my ex. We were never supposed to be apart.

Oh dear. No, I know that I'm awful. I'm sorry. I will fix this.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 17/06/2014 20:50

You weren't wrong to try to move on with your life, your ex wasn't wrong to come back and your DP isn't wrong to feel upset.

It's messy but sometimes life is messy. Good luck to you.

diddl · 17/06/2014 20:51

Well yes,what does your ex want to do?

Perhaps the main thing ATM is her relationship with her daughter?

Whether or not things pick up with your ex, this might have made you realise that you don't want to be with your current partner?

nilbyname · 17/06/2014 20:51

You are not awful, things have come to head. You are dealing with it.

Like I say, don't be a martyr, now its time to have the difficult conversations.

You know what you want, go out and get it. Just do it with grace and compassion.

Flowers
AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2014 20:51

I think you're beating yourself up here. It's not a crime to move on when you think the other person has gone and it's not a crime to stop loving them either. You have a chance now to do the right thing. You're not awful Smile

AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2014 20:52

not a crime to not stop loving them either

HaroldLloyd · 17/06/2014 20:53

Your not awful, an awful person wouldn't care as much as you do.

I would think your current partner is expecting this.

Be a bit kinder to yourself, you weren't to know this would happen.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2014 20:53

X-posts!

CinnabarRed · 17/06/2014 20:54

You're not awful. Just in an impossible situation not of your making.

All you can do is be as kind to your DP as you can be - finish your relationship so as to allow her dignity and self-respect.

QueenofallIsee · 17/06/2014 20:55

Awww BrittBritt, you are not awful at all - in your attempts to please everyone, you have pleased no one..we have all done that I suspect. At least you have now recognized what is really going on. You would only be awful if you let this situation drag on now you have that knowledge.

Best of luck to you. I feel for your soon to be ex DP but how many of us get a second chance?

ChuffinEllAsLike · 17/06/2014 20:57

Oh OP. Sad

You must have had a really, really hard time having to deal with this. Having a baby and your partner is suddenly gone, basically.

That must have been so, so hard, I hope you had family around you to support you during that time.

I dont think you are a bad person at all, and this is a big mess now but it can get sorted. One day at a time.

It will be ok, but honesty with your feelings is the first start. Sounds like you're getting there already though.

Then perhaps time as just you and DD and have your ex around as an ex for a while rather than jumping into anything. Not that it sounds like you would.

I think you sound lovely.

Good luck.

lunar1 · 17/06/2014 20:58

I hope you manage to make the changes you need. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

softlysoftly · 17/06/2014 21:06

One question is, how long have you been with current partner (serious living together etc), how old was DD when it became serious?

The reason I ask is because while absolutely the right action is for you to split up and return to your ex (I assume your ex does still want you not just DD?). Then whether you say "you have no role as mummy" to your partner or not if she has spent a significant chunk of DDs young life with her then she is a step parent.

It may be that she needs to maintain some role in DDs live ongoing for both their sakes.

I'd be heartbroken to think I could live with a child from say 1 - 6yrs old and they could just be ripped away like I didn't matter.

OneStepCloser · 17/06/2014 21:07

Britt, you can't help who you love, life is short if you love your ex then there's your answer, yes of course your dp will be hurt but your happiness is also important.

I hope it all works out and yes of course your dd is also your exs dd and they're relationship takes priority of your dps relationship with her.

Thanks
OneStepCloser · 17/06/2014 21:08

Their, not they're

wouldbemedic · 17/06/2014 21:09

I really feel for you. It must be dreadful to have a loved one involved in such a tragic situation, especially when there is a much wanted baby.

But I cannot help finding this deeply distasteful. It's possible to be cruel through a lack of love rather than straightforward meanness, you know. I became disabled (through child bearing actually) and my partner stuck by me. Well, he'd promised to. Isn't that the point of love - fun in the good times, there for the bad times? If my DH had left me, the agony would have been multiplied a thousand times, especially since I would have lost access to my baby as well. I couldn't have cared for her alone. I wouldn't have survived. My brain was intact, like your partner's. I wasn't addicted to anything. Hadn't brought it on myself. Wasn't mentally ill, either.

I'm so impressed that your ex has got herself through her ordeal - but I seriously doubt you can ever have a relationship after showing how little your love for her is worth. I'm sorry that is harsh. You were harsh. A great deal more than harsh.

Using your present partner as a 'next best thing' is also deeply disrespectful.