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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave her out of this?

227 replies

BrittBritt · 17/06/2014 18:19

Okay please be kind, I'm genuinely not sure what to do here.

I have a DD, with my ex girlfriend. I am also female, if that is important at all. For reasons which are complicated, my girlfriend was not around for the first couple of years of DD's life, unavoidable on her part but I moved on thinking that she wouldn't be back.

So, I did move on..and now I live with my new partner. My new partner has never been referred to as my DD's mummy, and she has always been shown photos of ex and talks about her other mama.

Well, unbelievably my ex is back which is wonderful and she is building a beautiful relationship with DD which I'm so happy about. She's bought a house nearby and things are going really well.

Now DD & I have Ice Cream Mondays, where we go out for ice cream after school at a place in the next town. This has always been mummy and DD time, and my new partner has always respected this and understood that it is my alone time to bond with DD.

But yesterday I was held up at work and called ex to see if she could collect DD from the Childminders for me. She did as luckily it was her day off. DD asked could her other mummy come along for ice cream Monday, and I said yes, despite never having 'allowed' my partner to join us.

This has really upset my partner, she can't understand that it is different with ex, that she is DD's mama. She feels like her place has disappeared and I find this confusing as she has never 'been' DD's other mummy.

Sorry that this is so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/06/2014 14:49

I think alot of uncomfortable truths have been voiced on this thread, although not always as kindly as they could have been.

Everything has been very dramatic and intense, and those kind of thing is very difficult moving forwards. You either need to keep creating drama to fuel the relationship, or you have to learn how to bond without the fairy tale angst, or how to get over the guilt and grief.

It's hard to live in a fairy tale drama after the book has closed on the 'and they lived happily ever after'. I'd suggest both of you get some good expert councelling.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 18/06/2014 15:15

Op, there had been some shit thrown at you you don't deserve. I wish you the best, good luck with working things out going forward. And for making a hard decision x

MammaTJ · 18/06/2014 16:26

How can any of us know how we would behave in the same situation?

Who the hell are we to judge?

OP, I hope you manage to sort out this mess with the least hurt possible.

Good luck!

BumpNGrind · 18/06/2014 16:43

Op fwiw, I think you've made the right choice, and I wish your most recent partner a happy life, as well as you, dd and dd's mama.

I do echo what misc said above though, there's bound to be lot's of issues and things to work through and I think that counselling could be really positive, not least because you've had the traumatic experience of nearly losing a loved one which is bound to take its toll emotionally. It could also give you and dd's mama a chance to properly discuss your parenting dynamics given that there will obviously be changes now, and how your dd can best benefit from this situation.

2rebecca · 18/06/2014 16:44

I'm unclear of the time scale here, how long is it since your ex had the RTA?
If it was a serious brain injury and prolonged coma then it's unusual to make a full recovery, but if you want to try with that relationship again it's fairest to finish the other relationship as you've done.

HayDayQueen · 18/06/2014 17:02

FFS, give the OP a break. Being in a coma for several years? No wonder the op eventually moved on.

The fact is MOST people would.

After several years I'm not sure I'd believe that my DH was ever going to wake up. In fact he has a living will outlining what is to happen in this sort of eventuality, so I don't think I'd ever have to make that sort of a decision anyway.

Finney2 · 18/06/2014 17:25

Wow what a horrid thread. OP Has been in a hellish situation that most of us will never be in. I can't even imagine the trauma she has gone through. It's not like here ex had an accident and she just upped and left without a second glance. She must have agonised for months over her decision.

If I was in a coma for years I would love my husband to find someone who could make him happy. There's no way I'd want him dragging the kids up to the hospital every night to see me. That's no way to live.

And yet some posters here think that it's ok to stick the knife in, to tell the OP that she's been fickle and disloyal and lots of much worse things.

I am rarely shocked by MN but I genuinely think that those of you having a pop are completely devoid of any compassion.

Good luck OP. I sincerely hope you find happiness. You surely deserve some xx

HavanaSlife · 18/06/2014 17:30

Aww look aibu at its best again. People sticking the boot in, even when this is obviously a very unusual and difficult situation. Others noteven bothering to rtft.

Good luck op, you don't sound like an awful person. It must have been an incredibly difficult situation for you all

TheHappyMonkey · 18/06/2014 17:33

I agree Finney2, if I was in a coma in that situation I would be screaming in my head at my loved ones to go! Live! There's a whole big world out there and just because I wouldn't be in a position to enjoy it I would hate to think that's my loved ones felt beholden to me at the expense of their own lives and happiness.

RandallFloyd · 18/06/2014 21:30

Am I right in thinking all of this has happened in two years?
I'm struggling a bit with the timeline.

You stayed for a year then moved back to be nearer to your parents.
Then in the following year your ex has gone from 'no chance of meaningful recovery' to living independently and capable of taking lone responsibility for a child?

What I'm confused about is if you've only been with your new partner for 'a few months' then you must have known your original partner was recovering by then.

Your first partner's recovery must have been long and exhausting. If you were still in touch, as I think you said you were, and you were still in love with her, I don't understand why you then started seeing someone new.

I'm not being judgemental I just need to get some clarification before I can form any kind of opinion.

carlywurly · 18/06/2014 21:44

I'm rarely shocked by Aibu but some of the assumptions and projections being made on this thread are really disturbing.

Op, I wish you and your dd happiness, whoever you choose to spend your life with.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/06/2014 22:02

Finney Havana and Monkey

Do you really think that is ok to string someone along for any length of time?

Whatever the OP has been through this is what she has been doing to her (now ex) partner.

Even to the extent of saying you are "not the momma". It does seem like the OP was/is waiting to see if her ex will recover sufficiently for them to get back together.

Maybe the OP has had a hard time on this thread but it has at least stopped some poor soul believing that there was a chance of a relationship.

Original poster
BrittBritt · 18/06/2014 22:12

Thank you for all of the really lovely replies, it was nice to come on and read these.

Again, I am under no delusions that I have behaved perfectly throughout this whole ordeal - I know that I didn't behave well, and I am ashamed of that and I am doing what I can to fix it now.

Randall - No, it has been longer than 2 years. I am still hoping to retain some level of ambiguity here, but it is DD that has only known my partner (now, ex) for months - although I say months it's actually been over a year now. It happened that DD's mama beginning rehabilitation came just weeks after she moved in. So yes, I should have fixed this a lot sooner. I am panicking here now that somebody is going to recognise me or this situation, it's obviously not the kind of thing that happens every day and it's gotten quite a lot bigger than I thought it would when I originally posted.

Please, please no more about how wrong I was to 'string along' my now ex partner. I do feel genuinely absolutely terrible about it and thanks to this thread I've put an end to it. Causing more hurt yes, but hopefully instead of dragging it all out.

I have had dinner with DD's mama tonight, and it was really wonderful.

OP posts:
RandallFloyd · 18/06/2014 22:22

Oh well. All's well that ends well then.

HayDayQueen · 18/06/2014 22:31

I'm glad, Britt. It sounds as though you've both been through some really tough times.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 18/06/2014 22:57

Britt you've done the right thing. Short-term hurt, but the best for the long term. Good luck to your family for the future. Thanks

Tinkerball · 18/06/2014 23:06

Fair enough, although knowing human emotions like I do I feel that eventually the emotions for both of you of "moving on" whilst she was in a coma will rear its head, regardless of how much you say both of you don't feel you abandoned her.

Original poster
BrittBritt · 18/06/2014 23:14

Tinkerball Knowing her like I do, I'm sure that she will say just how she's feeling. She was pissed off initially, and sure she still feels angry - but not just at me, at the whole insane situation. She won't bottle anything up and of course she's been having counselling. To quote her 'It's like some badly written Grey's Anatomy back story that everybody wants to fast forward to get to the good bits'. I'm not sitting here feeling smug or confident that I have my girl back. I don't doubt that there will be rocky times ahead, but there have always been tough times and not to sound too corny they have made us closer. I am under no illusions that everything is going to be permanently magical between us (again, it never has - coming out was a ball) but I do believe that we love each other enough to get through anything.

OP posts:
Zamboni · 18/06/2014 23:30

I too think the OP has had a hard time. I don't know what I would do if DH had that kind of accident . At some stage life does have to continue. I know if I had that kind if accident with that kind of prognosis then I would expect DH to move on at some stage.

Anyway best of luck to you OP Thanks

stiffstink · 18/06/2014 23:49

I hope everything works out for you OP.

Your story made me think about Douglas Coupland's Girlriend in a Coma and also Paula by Isabel Allende. I'm also wondering whether I read too many books about people in comas. I've just thought of another one too as I type.

Fideliney · 18/06/2014 23:59

What's the other one stiff?

weekendninja · 19/06/2014 00:02

I wish you both all the best in your new future. It's very easy for people to get self-righteous on an online forum but you have lived it.

Look at the miracle that has happened and embrace it.

antimatter · 19/06/2014 05:38

and OP needed only 24 hours (and an online forum) to ditch her partner...
such a cliche

weekendninja · 19/06/2014 09:18

I wish you both all the best in your new future. It's very easy for people to get self-righteous on an online forum but you have lived it.

Look at the miracle that has happened and embrace it.

Frikadellen · 19/06/2014 09:21

Op best of luck to you yoir dd abd both the ladies involved as your partners. I think from what you have told here that you havr made some brave choices in life and I hope you now get a happily ever after.