to think that the only polite comment to someone who has lost weight is 'You're looking very well'?

[LadyPeterWimsey]

I probably ABU, but I am fed up with having to respond to comments about my recent (large) weight loss.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell you how much I've lost. I didn't do it for your approval, I did it for me. I don't need you to congratulate me. All it makes me think is that the main thing you noticed about me before was how fat I was, and I'd like to think there was more to our friendship than that.

If you must comment, do say, 'You're looking so well. Is that a new dress/shirt/hat?'. If I'm desperate to let you know how much weight I've lost (and I'm not - I would rather gain it all back again than tell you an actual number, ever; I will go to the grave with my statistics) I'm sure I'll be able to work it into the conversation.

I know you're just trying to be nice, just trying to encourage me, but I don't want you to. I didn't need your encouragement to lose it, and no number of comments will help me keep it off, which is the really hard part. Please, let's talk about something less superficial and more interesting, and which doesn't remind me how large I used to be. I was clever and interesting then, and I still am, so please act like there is more to me than how I look.

I never comment on people's weight. Obviously not negatively, but not positively either. I know it can seem like a nice compliment to indicate you've noticed that someone's lost weight but it puts them on the spot in a way they might not feel comfortable with - and as people have pointed out, there are all sorts of awful reasons for weightloss apart from a new diet.

One of my oldest friends has been a yo-yo dieter all her adult life, and any weight-related chat is just a painful subject for her. If she brings it up, then fine, but otherwise there's plenty else to talk about.

So you don't want to talk about your weight loss but post a huge thread about it on a large public forum?

If people go by this then a lot of people are going to be upset because they make a huge effort and everyone pretends they look the same!

Yanbu op! I went from a 16 pre pregnancy to a 12 post pregnancy due to gallstones! I was a happy 16 but people don't half go on abou!t it, including people who always told me how well I looked are now making it clear that I just looked fat. Then theres ndn who just asked if she could have my clothes that don't fit anymore... No And fuck off you vulture!

You are supposed to say "you look good" according to Lotta.

But that will be taken to mean that you looked bad before by posters on here.

Believe me, if I knew some of you in rl, I would not be saying a single thing. Not a single thing. I learn my lessons quickly.

Like other posters, I thought 'you are looking well' is code for 'you are looking fat'.

tbh you would not know you had upset me, i am smiley and polite and feign gratitude at the compliment. i would be avoiding putting myself in that situation with you again though

I can relate to the OP - I lost some weight once (not a huge amount, mostly through increased activity) and I got fed up with all the comments. People meant well but I didn't like the implication that they just assumed I had lost weight deliberately because I didn't like the way I was before. I have now gained weight again and nobody ever mentions it - am I only interesting if I lose weight? It reminds me of being a shy teenager and nobody taking any notice of me until I had a boyfriend and then everybody just asked me about him all the time.

Also, I have a friend who has lost a huge amount of weight... because she has been very ill. She has to eat an incredibly restricted diet and has a lot of unpleasant digestive problems but on the surface you would probably think she looks a lot healthier than she used to. Because of her, I'm now very wary of making any comment to anyone who has lost a really dramatic amount of weight. It's possible that some of them are disappointed that I haven't "noticed" but I think that's probably less upsetting than telling someone how great she looks when she's actually seriously ill.

OP & others - thank you so much for sharing your views / experiences. I have complimented people "You look well" as a way of complimenting them on losing weight. Can honestly say I never thought that would be offensive. This is very useful feedback

I would use the phrase 'you're looking well' just as part of routine pleasantries, I'd not mean anything specific by it just a kind of acknowledgment that the person looked to be not actively ill.

I've certainly never regarded it as a euphemism for 'you've got fatter'

You sound like you need to work on more than your weight OP jeez - are you still fat inside?

I get your discomfort OP and I know that you would rather people would pretend not to notice any changes you have undergone.

However you're not going to like what I say on this. Speaking as someone who is trying to be let-go from being self-conscious, and who was notorious for not taking compliments or nice comments well, I was shocked to hear some feedback from my now DH about my behaviour a few years ago.

He pointed out that from his perspective (and that of anyone foolish enough to say something complimentary to me) it was rude and dismissive of me to discount and immediately minimize compliments. I had never considered that in judging myself harshly I was also sending the message that the opinion of the person complimenting me was not worth anything. Being acutely self-conscious in someways is connected to being narcissistic in that we are overly concerned with how we are perceived and think that people are spending far more time thinking about us than they really are. As my DH said (more nicely than this) "You need to get over yourself and be polite to people who are only trying to be nice."

Seriously, if you don't want people to comment about anything relating to you then stay in your home. Part of being out in society means that we display good manners, whether it be not staring at people, not spitting on people and taking well meaning comments about our appearance with good manners. Most of all, trust me, no one cares about how you look anywhere near as much as you do. I say this as someone who lost significant weight at one point in my life and went through all the emotions you are going through.

Yes but Corus, this is exactly the behaviour that the OP is demonstrating. Comments to her that express that she is looking well offend her because they call attention to her weight loss which she is self-conscious about. My point is simply that it is not realistic (even if it is more polite) to expect people to pretend nothing is different when something (and weight loss is usually a positive thing) is different.

I don't mean to be unpleasant, but we cannot control our environments and interactions with people, and the only way to try to do so would result in staying in our homes.

Please take a step back and remember that at the end of the day, the comments the OP is unhappy about are simply people trying to be nice, even if they're clumsy and inadvertently bringing attention to the OP about an issue she is self-conscious about.

I apologize if I seemed callous, that is not my intent, I only hope the OP can find a way to focus on the good intent in the comments of others.

The thread has confirmed to me that although I think of myself as ludicrously socially incompetent, and assume everyone else just automatically knows how to behave in all circumstances, there are whole swathes of people who are just as socially inept as I am but just don't notice it, leaving behind them a trail of upset people pretending not to have been hurt.

It's not that I don't notice, but I have adhd and no matter how careful I am not to blurt things out without thinking or to word things in a non-offensive manner, slips up do happen all the damn time every now and again. I've tried watching what I say with the upmost caution and it just resulted in an anxiety disorder because I was too worried about how people would react (and it didn't matter anyway as people still decided to misconstrue my words into some more malicious than an offhand comment). So I've just sort of gone the fuck it route and kept a group of laid back friends that don't take offense to something or read too deeply into my tendency to think out loud. It's much easier to have friends that understand when I say "Ooh! Your grey hairs are gone! I like it!" that I mean it as a compliment not an insult about how grey they were, than to go home fretting because I once again offended a person that really wasn't that compatible with my personality type in the first place. Not worth the stress.

In short, it's better to just be yourself and attract people you get along with instead of putting on an act and attracting people that you don't. Are the people who get offended by blunt compliments bad or wrong? No of course not. But they probably wouldn't get along with me very well, and that's fine. I'm not going to stress over making sure everyone likes me though either.

OP, you are looking very well.

I go to a group where one of our members has serious health problems and has been put on a very strict diet. It is working and she is losing weight. You can't say 'you look well' because she simply doesn't- you can't say 'you look lovely' for the same reason. The only positive thing is that she is losing weight as she is supposed to, and she is pleased that everyone notices and is positive and encouraging for her.
Are we supposed to pretend we haven't noticed and completely ignore her struggle and give no support and encouragement?
I have no doubt that in time we will be able to say 'you look well' or 'you look lovely'. In the meantime it must be hard to struggle along with with no acknowledgement.

no delphiniumsblue, you have clearly judged the situation correctly and are acting accordingly

princessbabycat that does sound difficult, and you are right to surround yourself with people who are understanding. but given that you have been on the receiving end of people making assumptions about you (that you are rude, when you are not), can you not understand how upsetting it might be for someone who has physical or mental health problems, or have recently experienced something as traumatic as a miscarriage, to be told that they are simply "highly-strung" as you did earlier on this thread?

Am I right in thinking that there is no concensus on what we are allowed to say?

So basically, no one should say anything to anyone if they have lost weight?

Bit of a cross post there.

So we are allowed to mention weight loss to some people and not others?

Wow, loads to respond to here. Will be back later.

In the meantime, I'd like to say to Rainbunny that I specifically said that I smile and nod and am very gracious when people tell me I have lost weight. I am VERY polite - I would never dismiss what people have meant kindly to their face. The beauty of MN is that I can come and say what I am feeling to people who can give me a more dispassionate view - which you all have.

Right, I'll mull this all over while I make some packed lunches.