to think that the only polite comment to someone who has lost weight is 'You're looking very well'?

[LadyPeterWimsey]

I probably ABU, but I am fed up with having to respond to comments about my recent (large) weight loss.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell you how much I've lost. I didn't do it for your approval, I did it for me. I don't need you to congratulate me. All it makes me think is that the main thing you noticed about me before was how fat I was, and I'd like to think there was more to our friendship than that.

If you must comment, do say, 'You're looking so well. Is that a new dress/shirt/hat?'. If I'm desperate to let you know how much weight I've lost (and I'm not - I would rather gain it all back again than tell you an actual number, ever; I will go to the grave with my statistics) I'm sure I'll be able to work it into the conversation.

I know you're just trying to be nice, just trying to encourage me, but I don't want you to. I didn't need your encouragement to lose it, and no number of comments will help me keep it off, which is the really hard part. Please, let's talk about something less superficial and more interesting, and which doesn't remind me how large I used to be. I was clever and interesting then, and I still am, so please act like there is more to me than how I look.

sirzy i have a history of disordered eating. comments on changes to my weight (up or down) can actually be quite damaging to my MH. obviously people won't realise this because i don't talk about it, i accept that, but surely you can conceive that it might be very difficult for someone to be on the receiving end of comments about weight? i deliberately don't comment on people's weight unless they introduce the topic first and invite comment. i know that i then run the risk of disappointing someone who enjoys hearing comments and finds it encouraging, but i would rather that than the former

When I lost weight I was thrilled that people noticed and mentioned it! I would have disappointed if they hadn't. Also quite happy to talk about it.
I certainly compliment people if they have lost weight and will continue to do so as they have all been positive about it.

Trust me, Delphiniums - after you've gushed at someone about how skinny she is, she looks amazing, congratulations ... she will not then explain it's all down to inoperable cancer or multiple sclerosis. She'll act the way you want her to, to spare your feelings unless she's a stroppy cow like me.

I don't 'gush' and it has never once been a medical problem- it has been a genuine weight loss that they are thrilled about.

I am finding this thread intriguing.

It is like someone shows someone the front of the hand which is good. But then it gets twisted so that the person receiving it sees the back of the hand which is bad. iyswim. It is like there is some sort of translation problem so that the person receiving it hears or perceives it as bad.

If someone said that I looked well I would immediately say that I had lost weight. (Are they not supposed to think I was overweight in the first place? )

I tend not to comment on weight as I think it is rude.
The only time I will mention it if I know for a fact that someone has been on massive diet/exercise binge. I will ask how its going and how they are feeling.

I don't like people commenting on my weight. Certain people seem to do it every time they see me. 'You have lost weight', 'OMG you need to eat' etc

Its SO rude.

I think it would be hard for people not to mention it if someone had lost a LOT of weight though. Its such an achievement I guess they would think it was expected?

is trying to work out who Betty is - as that is my standard line when I see friends who have lost a lot of weight.

Op yanbu. I too would not like to hear personal comments on appearance - there is far too much focus on being slim and yes commenting how much weight one has lost does come across as sounding like the person noticed how fat you were last time you saw them....
I've also had well meaning compliments and it annoyed me too. In most cases I hadn't lost weight either?!? Just made me think what I was wearing the previous occasion must've looked bulky!
I also dislike comments on weight in front of my kids - I don't want them placing any great social importance on appearance. Friendship and life is so much more than considering or worrying about appearance!

Interesting thread. I can't say I've ever had friends take offense on me congratulating them on their weight loss. I'll ask them how they did it so they know it's not just about appearance but the hard work they did too. I've never been offended when people comment about me losing weight either, I'm actually thrilled I finally lost enough to make a noticeable difference.

It's hard work and a real life style change, so it just seems like a congrats is in order.

I am guilty about asking about the number though and how far they are from their goal weight.

But why can't you just say 'You look lovely today'? That is polite and kind. It then leaves the person open to say, 'oh yes, I've been trying to lose a bit of weight'.

I grant that if someone has been boring on about discussing their new diet you can comment. But only then IMO.

All these people who comments on the weight of others, how would you deal with these scenarios:

• current colleague who has two tumours. Thankfully neither cancerous but has lost an obvious amount of weight. Hasn't told many people at work as doesn't like the sympathy.

• former colleague who was a recurrent miscarrier. Lots several babies in 2nd trimester. So yes, her weight went up and down. And I will never forget the office nitwit breezing in one morning, looking her up and down and saying 'Wowee X, you're looking really slim! How much have you lost?' whilst she tried to be polite about it and spent the rest of the morning with red eyes behind her computer.

Saying people look great is fine, we're social animals, it's nice to pay someone a compliment. Commenting on weight/ waist size is NOT because it is a medical issue.

Surely this is just basic good manners?????

Gosh op I would feel it was only the real bitchy people who didn't pay you a compliment on weight loss.

As for you look wellthat's pure bitch for you are fat. Everyone knows that don't they?

Interesting post though and do see your point.

"you're looking well" is code for "ooh, you've got fat"

Only on MN. To me it means "you look great"

FGS, you can't even compliment someone these days because they have lost weight/had a makeover/look well for fear of upsetting them.

What's wrong with people?

All these people who comments on the weight of others, how would you deal with these scenarios

By getting quiet, shifting awkwardly, making an even more awkward remark, and/or avoiding eye contact the rest of the day.

You can't know a medical situation and you can't blame someone for not being a mind reader. You can't get offended by what other people didn't know. I'm not going to tip toe around every single person and play through my mind every possible scenario that they could possibly take offense to every time I say what should be an innocuous comment.

No one looks at a person losing weight and suddenly thinks cancer or miscarriage. 9/10 times a person is happy that you noticed the weight loss as long as you don't revolve an entire conversation around it.

I am hardly likely to go up to complete strangers and comment in their weight! It is people that I know well.
I would be very miffed if I made all that effort and people pretended they hadn't noticed!
It appears to be yet another thing you can put your foot in, some people upset if you mention it and some people upset if you don't! You may as well do as you normally do as you can please all the people all the time!

But why can't you just say 'You look lovely today'? That is polite and kind. It then leaves the person open to say, 'oh yes, I've been trying to lose a bit of weight'.

RevoltingPeasant has the answer :)

There, that was easy!

I hate 'you look well', it's code for 'you really don't, but what else can I say' or 'you've gained weight'.

I prefer 'you look great,' simple and they can decide just why I'm thinking they look great.

On MN people seem to over analyse every 'off the cuff' remark- I wonder how representative it is of RL?

Maybe I just know more relaxed, laid back people who don't spend time debating the meaning of 'you look lovely', you look well' etc.

The woman I 'complimented' was totally pissed off with people going on about her weight. She said, exactly as above, that it felt like her dress size was all anyone ever really cared about. No indications she's a mumsnetter!

It's quite depersonalising.

The only conclusion we can reach is that some people will not want it mentioned and some will! We can't be mind readers!

Surely if "you look well" suggest they don't normally "you look lovely today" would also suggest they don't normally in the bonkers world of Mumsnet anyway

I have today said to a (distant) colleague, 'you look fantastic - you have lost loads of weight!'.

She then waxed lyrical about her 25lbs lost doing 5:2.

She does look amazing and I really don't think I pissed her off. I would like it if I had been fat, worked hard to lose weight and people started noticing how good I looked.