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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that the only polite comment to someone who has lost weight is 'You're looking very well'?

190 replies

LadyPeterWimsey · 15/06/2014 16:25

I probably ABU, but I am fed up with having to respond to comments about my recent (large) weight loss.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell you how much I've lost. I didn't do it for your approval, I did it for me. I don't need you to congratulate me. All it makes me think is that the main thing you noticed about me before was how fat I was, and I'd like to think there was more to our friendship than that.

If you must comment, do say, 'You're looking so well. Is that a new dress/shirt/hat?'. If I'm desperate to let you know how much weight I've lost (and I'm not - I would rather gain it all back again than tell you an actual number, ever; I will go to the grave with my statistics) I'm sure I'll be able to work it into the conversation.

I know you're just trying to be nice, just trying to encourage me, but I don't want you to. I didn't need your encouragement to lose it, and no number of comments will help me keep it off, which is the really hard part. Please, let's talk about something less superficial and more interesting, and which doesn't remind me how large I used to be. I was clever and interesting then, and I still am, so please act like there is more to me than how I look.

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 15/06/2014 21:20

When I tell someone that they are looking well. I mean that they are glowing.
However, I can see why some people assume that it is code
To suggest that someone has put on weight

Lottapianos · 15/06/2014 21:25

You are not unreasonable at all OP. Maybe some people love weight loss comments but I'm with you. I've lost weight recently due to illness and I'm getting sick of the comments now. I don't mind someone saying it to me discreetly but like you, I get people wanting to know numbers of pounds and wanting to know exactly how I did it, all in front of other people, and its just fucking rude actually. Even when I tell them I've been ill it doesn't make a jot of difference.

We're all so conditioned into thinking that thin is good and weight loss is to be celebrated that some people lose their heads over it.

Lots of sympathy here x

Dogmatix34 · 15/06/2014 21:25

I know exactly what you mean OP. I find it depends on who says it. I've lost quite a bit recently and have found comments from close friends who knew I have been dieting really encouraging but a comment from a very glamorous woman at work who I don't really know at all really annoyed me and made me think she must be very superficial

wafflyversatile · 15/06/2014 21:28

I'm very similar to you, OP. I get quite inwardly narked at this sort of thing. sometimes the nark leaks out. Blush

If I want someone to comment I'll draw attention to it myself.

ThePinkOcelot · 15/06/2014 22:41

Jeez, wind your neck in and take a chill pill!

Lottapianos · 15/06/2014 23:01

Thanks for taking the time to post that Pink. Very profound.

ElleCloughie · 15/06/2014 23:11

People keep telling me I'm looking really well.

I wish they would stop, because all I hear when they say it is, "Wow, you've piled on the pounds since you pushed a tiny human out of you."

Then I need to go and eat biscuits to make myself feel better.

wafflyversatile · 15/06/2014 23:13

Lotta, I just scrolled up the whole thread looking for a profound post by someone called pink. Angry Having read the PP just before yours I naturally didn't bother checking their name so missed it. Grin

wafflyversatile · 15/06/2014 23:14

I think what this thread shows is that the saying 'do as you would be done by' is woeful advice!

Lottapianos · 15/06/2014 23:37

Sorry waffly! Needed an emoticon there really

wafflyversatile · 15/06/2014 23:40

I forgive you. I'm lovely like that.

Lottapianos · 15/06/2014 23:41

Big grin for you waffly!

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 23:44

When did 'we' as a nation become so very easy to offend?

Christ, if I tell someone I think they're looking well then that's exactly what I mean.

If they want to take that as I've just said, "You're looking fat" or "You've got a bogey hanging off your nostril", that's their problem.

They need to look towards themselves and do something about their paranoia.

It's their problem, not mine.

Leviticus · 15/06/2014 23:48

Gosh. I worked with a girl years ago who was obese but lost a significant amount of weight. I noticed - obviously- but didn't mention it to her. I guess I was worried she'd think I'd thought she was fat before.

I heard later that she was pissed off that nobody at work had noticed how much weight she'd lost as she'd worked so hard.

Well done on losing weight for you but chill out about how other people are supposed to react.

LatinForTelly · 15/06/2014 23:54

Yikes, I always say I think people are looking well when they look good - healthy, glowing, or in nice clothes - not when I think they've put on weight Confused

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. It's very personal, commenting on someone's weight isn't it?

We wouldn't say, you look good, have you had your teeth whitened? Or, remark on the condition of someone's skin, would we?

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 23:56

I guess I was worried she'd think I'd thought she was fat before.

But she was fat before?

I have to say though, thankfully I've only ever come across this level of paranoia/offence taking when clearly none was meant on MN.

Meanwhile in the real world, people generally react positively to well meant positive comments.

CorusKate · 15/06/2014 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 23:59

In the real world, I don't mix with paranoid people who are so vain, they take clearly well meant comments and twist them into insults.

JaceLancs · 15/06/2014 23:59

Best response when someone has obviously lost weight but is not looking either ill, stressed or upset - is just to pay a compliment eg you look fabulous or that dress (example) looks great on you, you're looking good.....etc

I have lost/gained weight over the years (difference of 7 stone) more than once!

Recently lost 4 1/2 stone still a way to go though

Congratulations on your weight loss btw

Lottapianos · 15/06/2014 23:59

Good point Corus. Its a deeply personal thing - irs someone's body shape! Discreet comments are one thing but announcing it in front of all and sundry is very inappropriate I think.

Lottapianos · 16/06/2014 00:01

Worra, rather than being so nasty, you could maybe accept that people have different views to you on deeply personal things like body shape

CorusKate · 16/06/2014 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2014 00:05

I'm not being nasty at all

Perhaps you could accept that people get irked when a simple well meaning comment, gets twisted and turned back on the person who gave it?

People will always give well meaning compliments/comments to people. That is part of live and always will be.

If someone finds that hard to accept, their time would be better spent taking responsibility and looking towards themselves to find out why they can't accept that.

Instead of blaming other people for simply being nice.

fortyplus · 16/06/2014 00:06

YABU - the subtext is 'Congratulations, as well as looking better you are less likely to die from heart disease, cancer or complications resulting from type 2 diabetes, the greatest cost to the NHS.'
Now that would be nasty, wouldn't it? A compliment about your appearance should be accepted graciously.

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2014 00:06

*life