to think that the only polite comment to someone who has lost weight is 'You're looking very well'?

[LadyPeterWimsey]

I probably ABU, but I am fed up with having to respond to comments about my recent (large) weight loss.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell you how much I've lost. I didn't do it for your approval, I did it for me. I don't need you to congratulate me. All it makes me think is that the main thing you noticed about me before was how fat I was, and I'd like to think there was more to our friendship than that.

If you must comment, do say, 'You're looking so well. Is that a new dress/shirt/hat?'. If I'm desperate to let you know how much weight I've lost (and I'm not - I would rather gain it all back again than tell you an actual number, ever; I will go to the grave with my statistics) I'm sure I'll be able to work it into the conversation.

I know you're just trying to be nice, just trying to encourage me, but I don't want you to. I didn't need your encouragement to lose it, and no number of comments will help me keep it off, which is the really hard part. Please, let's talk about something less superficial and more interesting, and which doesn't remind me how large I used to be. I was clever and interesting then, and I still am, so please act like there is more to me than how I look.

I have to say though, thankfully I've only ever come across this level of paranoia/offence taking when clearly none was meant on MN.

The people on MN are from the RL. But sometimes they confide feelings one here they don't feel comfortable confiding in the real world.

Also from being on here for so long you surely know full well that plenty of people pay compliments in an insincere way.

I think paranoia is a nasty word to use in this context. No one who is hurt by comments about their appearance is going to tell you to sod off - they will deal with as politely as they can even if they are absolutely cringeing inside. And they can't help how they feel.

I hate it when my weight loss is commented on. People don't say a word when I've put on! (I've fluctuated over the years).
I hate the assumption that bigger = bad, thinner = good.

Why are women's bodies public property? My body is my business.

I lost nearly 7st a while back and everyone in work ignored it which was fine. Some friends and family went on and on about it and were dying to know what size I was before and after and my weight to the nearest ounce which I found a bit invasive as I wouldn't dream of asking someone their weight ever.

One person I hadn't seen for ages and had only ever known me big grasped me by the shoulders, looked me up and down and said "fucking hell Betty, where's the rest of you?"

I don't like these comments generally, as I've been at the receiving end, along the lines of "are you ill" as I'd lost so much weight (wasn't fat to start), due to ill child. Live on coffee and nerves, if anyone's looking for the miracle plan.
I am, though, constantly intrigued as to how NOBODY comments on weight gain, just loss!
So someone turns up with a 10kg gain, nobody says a word.
10kg loss however, and it's coffee room fodder.
Hilarious.

Paranoia is a 'nasty' word?

Really?

When someone says "You're looking well" and someone interprets that as "You're looking fat", that is true paranoia right there.

Fair enough if people interpret these things in that way, but it's their own problem...making it out to be the problem of someone genuinely giving a compliment, is passing the buck imo.

"You're looking well" (when meant genuinely) is a friendly compliment

If someone can't/doesn't take it as one, don't get annoyed with the complimenter as it's not their problem.

It seems to be commonly accepted that 'you're looking well' (I've seen it said again and again here and elsewhere) means you've put on a bit of weight so I'm not sure why that's paranoia.

People are assuming that you're proud of your weight loss and want it mentioned because most of them would love to lose weight and think 'you've lost weight' is the most flattering comment you can give someone because it is to them. They're trying to be supportive by telling you how great you look and tbh if you have a lot of weight to lose you are going to look a lot better when you do, surprisingly so.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be sick of hearing about it and embarrassed by attention brought to your weight in public, they may mean well but it's annoying you. I think you need to make the subject off limits, "I don't know", swiftly change topic.

I do think it's unreasonable to expect them to pretend that they think your drastic appearance change is down to a new haircut/top, nobody would make up a lie that blatantly ridiculous.

YY Bluebell.

Often people's compliments are a lot more about them than you.

I'm with you, OP! I went abroad for a couple of years, came back thinner & more confident, with a suntan and a completely different style. Nobody said "Wow, you look great" or "I love your new look", or even "Where have you been these 2 years, I missed you?" Nope - time after time, several times a day, for months, people just kept saying "I almost didn't recognise you, you've lost so much weight!" I mean, what the fuck? You didn't notice I wasn't here, now you're telling me you only recognised me by my body size, and you expect me to be pleased?? I acted my socks off, of course, because it's only polite, and steered the conversation vigorously away from my physique.

But, secretly, I never forgave a single one of them.

Why are women's bodies public property? My body is my business.

Yes, this. Although I do love "fucking hell Betty, where's the rest of you?"

It is my opinion that mumsnet has a disproportionate number of people posting who are, lets say, touchy.
I am also of the opinion that that is why they are on here, because they find rl difficult.

A compliment is not a judgement.

tbh if it is, then anything anyone says can be turned into a perceived judgement.

To clarify:

When they comment, I smile and answer politely, and change the subject. I may be touchy inside but outside I am all graciousness.

I appreciate they believe they are giving me a compliment and want to be kind and encouraging (most of these people are very good friends).

I posted on here to have a little rant and to canvas opinion, because what they say doesn't feel like a compliment to me. It feels like they have been judging me about my weight all this time and their comment destroys the 'polite fiction' (thanks, CorusKate - you're spot on) that they weren't noticing. Of course I knew they did notice, but it was better when they pretended otherwise. Because then we could talk about more interesting stuff.

I might be pleased with my weight loss but I hate that it is seen as something to be aspired to or approved of.

I think you need to be very careful with personal comments, and it's a relief to know I'm not the only over-sensitive, touchy and paranoid person on here!

And yeah, why ARE women's bodies public property? Fat is a feminist issue, and all that.

So since, I obviously can't say anything in RL, thank you for listening to me rant.

And no, a compliment is not a judgement. But a compliment can reveal a value system which I don't have to like very much, or to wish wasn't being applied to me.

I think I'd just be pleased that my effort it visible and it would give me a big confidence boost.

I'd certainly be disappointed if I lost lots of weight and no body noticed.

At least they're not saying "still a bit to go yet then!"

Worra, I don't think it's necessarily paranoia but cynicism if some people think "you're looking well" is code for putting it on, really depends on how well you know the person commenting and what you think of them rather than necessarily who you are?

With some friends you know it might be genuinely meant but others, well maybe less so, particularly based on how they look you up and down at the same time!

yanbu, i am totally with you on this. i know the comments come from a kind place (most of the time), but i still find it intrusive and a reflection of certain societal assumptions

I think it's strange you don't want your weight loss to be something people aspire too.

Surely if you can motivate someone else to make positive changes and improve their health as a result that is good?

And it's not just a female issue, I know plenty of men who have lost weight and had people make positive comments about it.

I did the same thing to a woman I don't see all that often I did instantly follow up by asking if she'd done it on purpose, but that was hardly a graceful recovery. She'd changed her hair colour, as well, and it would have been a hell of a lot more tactful to say 'I love your new look' rather than comment on her body shape.

Sirzy - If you happen to know the person has been on a slimming regime, it's appropriate to compliment their achievement. Otherwise, you're assuming they view their reduced size as an important personal achievement. It might not be. Weight loss can also be a side effect of far more important things - either positive, as in my case, or negative.

Folks who've shrunk due to starvation, emotional trauma, injury or disease aren't very likely to view it as an achievement! And I went abroad for new horizons & personal development, not because other people thought I was fat - I'd only gone from a size 14 to a 10, fgs, and felt insulted that this was all they noticed about my changes.