to think that the only polite comment to someone who has lost weight is 'You're looking very well'?

[LadyPeterWimsey]

I probably ABU, but I am fed up with having to respond to comments about my recent (large) weight loss.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell you how much I've lost. I didn't do it for your approval, I did it for me. I don't need you to congratulate me. All it makes me think is that the main thing you noticed about me before was how fat I was, and I'd like to think there was more to our friendship than that.

If you must comment, do say, 'You're looking so well. Is that a new dress/shirt/hat?'. If I'm desperate to let you know how much weight I've lost (and I'm not - I would rather gain it all back again than tell you an actual number, ever; I will go to the grave with my statistics) I'm sure I'll be able to work it into the conversation.

I know you're just trying to be nice, just trying to encourage me, but I don't want you to. I didn't need your encouragement to lose it, and no number of comments will help me keep it off, which is the really hard part. Please, let's talk about something less superficial and more interesting, and which doesn't remind me how large I used to be. I was clever and interesting then, and I still am, so please act like there is more to me than how I look.

That's a miserable way to lose weight, EBearhug. I'm sorry.

It IS a pretty personal thing to comment about, particularly when you don't know why. In my case, I had to modify my diet for a particular (not serious but bothersome) health problem, and the weight loss was because of that.

SunnyRandall - you are obviously surrounded by lots of very sensitive people!

The problem is if you don't mention the weight loss some people are offended. I generally stick to comments on clothes but I did have a friend who was distraught no one mentioned her weight loss and was heading for an emotional binge over it. Luckily she spoke and her friends reassured her the could see the difference but did not feel comfortable mentioning it. It's hard to do right for doing wrong.

I like to think of them as insanely jealous

I do understand - damned if you do, and damned if don't Thomyorke.

I do know what you mean. I lost a bit of wait last year (now I'm pg so it's all gone back on!) I wasn't losing weight intentionally, and I didn't think I was overweight before, it was just down to being very busy and a bit stressed.

One woman in particular kept commenting on how much weight I'd lost and how great I looked. I found it really uncomfortable as 1) I felt like she was suggesting I was fat before and 2) it was like she wanted some kind of explanation for it, which I didn't have!

And my mother kept going on about how think
I was and how I want taking care of myself and basically implying I was having some kind of breakdown. Very annoying! Every time anyone commented on
It it felt like an insult.

Congratulations on weight loss OP. Hope it has helped your medical condition. I generally compliment weight loss if the person has told me they are dieting. I got an earful from MIL for not complimenting her on 3kg weight loss (hadn't seen her for a few weeks and didn't really notice tbh). Now I just routinely pretend say she looks thinner, she loves it!

If I said "crumbs you look well" I'd likely mean "been at a pie or too?" I don't say that phrase. Ever. If I'd comment on your weight loss I would say "wow you look fab" as surely a direct comment works far better.

I think YABU.

I do know where you are coming from, but people are commenting out of niceness and to recognise the hard work you have done. I have recently lost 5 stone so of course people are going to comment upon it and ask about it.

CorusKate

I so agree with you OP. 'Congratulations' - for looking acceptable and conforming for the rest of society? They are saying to make themselves feel good. 'Well done' is another annoying one. What is also particularly awful is if these comments are made within the earshot of children or people struggling to lose a couple of stones. What are these comments saying to them? That once you have lost weight you can have congratulatory comments and positive things said to you? Otherwise you are just not worthy...

If they don't comment the OP may assume that they are jealous of her weight loss.

Agree with Revolting Peasant. It is very vulgar to comment on someones appearance, unless you know them really well, and then only to say something like "I love your new skirt".
Even compliments can feel backhanded. An old friend exclaimed to me last year, after not seeing me for a while "you look ten years younger!"
Which just made me feel like I must have looked really old before!
Every time I see my SIL she comment on my weight in some way. Her own weight is constantly yo -yo ing, and I have NEVER commented, even when she is super slim. Which I think annoys her. Which is a bonus

I know where you are coming from. I didnt like people commenting on my weight loss after pregnancy. Made it seem like it was something people were watching ti see if i lost the weight or not.
I saw dawn french being interviewed and the interviewer was congratulatibg her on a massice weight loss and she said she didnt like to celebrate it too muchand didnt like too much praise cos it felt like she was betraying her old self. Who was actually quite nice and she still liked her old self

Crikey, to each their own. My DW has lost a considerable amount of weight and feels great about it. She is so fed up because only one or two people have said anything!

I once lost about 30lb and 5 dress sizes. I was upset that almost no-one commented or seemed to notice. But then again, someone who did was a creepy friend of my husband's who had a morbidly obese wife and made no secret of the fact he found her repulsive, and was actively slathering over a young woman who had joined our group (who was, strangely, not particularly slim either). I loathed the way he kept saying to me "Now I can use you as evidence - it can be done. [Wife's name] always says it's impossible, but look at you!" etc etc and was even chatting me up. I thought - so you knew me as the same person, a year or two back but had no interest in me whatsoever til I was a size 12 again... This man was socially inept so I suspect was only blurting out what others were thinking.

Personally, I liked it on the rare occasion someone said to me "You look amazing!" or "Well done!" But that pervy, creepy man being so evil about his wife, and wanting to use my weight loss to bully her some more...

my mil went through this phase of saying to me everytime she saw me 'ooo you look like you've lost some weight' . It drove me spare op, yadnbu. I had a bmi of about 25 at the time btw so kind of her though it was to remind me each time I saw her that I could do with losing a few pounds she didn't have the 'concern about my health' justification.

Interestingly we had the awful routine where I glared at her and said 'er no, why do think that?' each time I saw her. .... I have lost weight recently and she hasn't commented at all .

and personally I don't notice other peoples weight. I think the ability to notice is some kind of weird spacial awareness that I just don't have!

How is anyone supposed to mindread an individual. Different strokes and all that.

It really isn't about different strokes, it is about manners. You just don't comment on medical stuff unless you know someone very well indeed.

It is a shame for people who want comments on their weightloss, but guess what, I'd quite like to swank about my latest professional achievement or whatever, but it isn't done. If you need support with losing weight, you confide in close friends, GP, join a group or an online forum.

I say this as someone whose weight yo-yos. It is really not okay to scrutinise and comment on the waistlines of colleagues and acquaintances.

But if you know someone has worked very hard to achieve something why wouldn't you comment on that if you wanted to? Its hardly an insult to comment.

TBH most people who have commented on my weight loss have been people who also want to lose weight and have asked me for tips. In the same way people have asked me about running because they want to start doing that and have seen me build from nothing to 10k.

I can understand why it makes people feel uncomfy, but at the same time I don't agree that its rude or anything else. It is meant in a positive way

If someone tells me I'm looking well I think they're saying I've put on weight

God aren't people touchy.

How can you be offended by a compliment?!

this is why I never say 'you've lost weight' because I do worry that it implies 'you were fat'. But I've seen threads where people are complaining that no-one has noticed their weight loss....

you can't win, really.