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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found underwear from bfs ex girlfriend in my flat. Help what do I do?

279 replies

Tulip1011 · 14/06/2014 19:57

Title pretty much says it all! I'm confident the ex was years ago and now remarried. But my bf has hung on to her underwear?? Deliberately unpacked and kept at the bottom of his side of the wardrobe. My immediate reaction is to throw it. Am I right??

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/06/2014 21:26

Oh well, it seems that I'm not going to get an answer to my question. It certainly sounds as though the OP moved into her partner's home without dealing with her insecurities.

Animation · 14/06/2014 21:26

If he is still holding a torch for his ex Op has a right to know so that she can make her decisions accordingly. The issue here shouldn't be about the rights and wrongs of looking in his drawers.

WorraLiberty · 14/06/2014 21:30

I'd be interested to hear the answer to the question ilovesooty has asked a couple of times too.

YouTheCat · 14/06/2014 21:30

Yes, it might well be weird to keep these things but they are his to keep.

SaucyJack · 14/06/2014 21:30

I remember your last post OP. FWIW I agreed with you then, and I agree with you now.

But I don't think you get any more sympathy on here by keeping posting about it. MN is clearly divided into two groups; those who are bothered by the thought of their DP keeping his ex's pants for the occasional nostalgic sniff, and those who are lying not.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 14/06/2014 21:31

What bloody question???

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 14/06/2014 21:32

Objection

It being weird is subjective, if some people insist on making an issue out of it then maybe they should discuss with their partners why they have kept it or even look at themselves as to why it makes them feel the way that they do.

In a specific example of one of my exes, they kept the rugby top because she was really really ill and had ended up with no clean clothes to wear or sleep in, her bf of the time gave her an old rugby top to sleep in, she keep it as a momento of the comfort it/he gave her when she needed it.

Yes, it is a personal item but people should be able to separate their partners personal items from the personal items of someone they haven't seen for years.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 14/06/2014 21:37

I do think rugby top which is practical and you can actually wear it is different from bra, which is obviously going to get found at some point and lead to a question

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 14/06/2014 21:37

Animation
"The issue here shouldn't be about the rights and wrongs of looking in his drawers."

Why isn't it an issue? It is a clear invasion of privacy.

ilovesooty · 14/06/2014 21:38

I asked the same question twice further up thread.

Objection · 14/06/2014 21:39

she keep it as a momento of the comfort it/he gave her when she needed it

Which is an understandable reason to keep it.

But a rugby shirt isn't an intimate item.with implied sexual undertones. It is unlikely to be for innocent comfort and I highly doubt he was given it to use in the way your friend was given hers.

The nature of the item, the fact that he hid it and all of the connotations that go with that all equal something very dodgy.

I agree that a relationship is not healthy when one person is snooping as that demonstrates a lack of trust but that isn't the issue here. The OP found something suspect, her suspicions are valid (even if her methods are nlt)

OP, some advice - Stop backtracking on here and be honest. You're more likely to get decent responses and support if people aren't pulling you up on "plot chnages"

needaholidaynow · 14/06/2014 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 14/06/2014 21:41

Sooty - I opened a drawer and it was there. Through my snooping I caught him out, so it hadn't exactly stopped the snooping behaviour. Well fair point saucy this is a bit pointless. Enjoy your Saturday night everyone.

OP posts:
TheLastThneed · 14/06/2014 21:41

I wouldn't be happy if DP kept his ex girlfriend's undies. We don't have private places. I do sometimes put things in places where I know he would never look...like in the kitchen drawer under the clean tea towels Grin

Animation · 14/06/2014 21:42

Boney - invasion of privacy! Grin Go and invade away then I say if your partner is collecting knickers!!

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/06/2014 21:42

Objection

"The nature of the item, the fact that he hid it and all of the connotations that go with that all equal something very dodgy."

And apparently nothing to do with the OP having form for snooping and trying to get her partner to throw away items that she doesn't approve of.

WorraLiberty · 14/06/2014 21:42

So you were snooping through his private things and violating his privacy long before you even moved in with him?

Jeez, I hope your neighbours never ask you to fee their cats while they're on holiday...

ilovesooty · 14/06/2014 21:42

So you opened a drawer in a house you weren't living in?

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 14/06/2014 21:43

F**k off Sooty

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 14/06/2014 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 14/06/2014 21:45

Oh dear. That's a nice response.
So you moved in with him despite not trusting him in the first place.

MrsCakesPremonition · 14/06/2014 21:45

The problem is that the OP keeps looking and she keeps finding things. I have no idea why her DP is keeping underwear as a memento, it isn't very reassuring. However, he seems to be the sort of person who likes to keep mementos and who wants his privacy while the OP wants to be with someone who doesn't keep mementos and who is happy to have little privacy.
It just sounds like an unhealthy cycle of snooping, discovery, confrontation. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. So I am wondering how the OP feels she needs to change, perhaps by leaving, perhaps by turning a blind eye, I don't know. But something needs to change the way this relationship is working.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/06/2014 21:46

So Animation when does it become an invasion of privacy for you?
Or is it only an invasion of privacy when he does it to her?

The op and her Partner have their own drawers, their own side of the wardrobe. If they wash and put away their own clothes then there is no reason to be there.

WorraLiberty · 14/06/2014 21:47

I have a feeling the OP would have found them even if he'd kept them in a time locked safe, underneath the floorboards...

Either way, don't lie to him as some people have advised as that's not a great start to your life living together either.

You feel you were within your right to snoop again, so stand by it and tell him that's what you did.

Then you can speak to him about what you found this time and hopefully sort it out.

Karenthetoadslayer · 14/06/2014 21:48

On he other hand, could he be playing on your insecurities? Would he have placed the underwear there for you to find?

As pp said before, a wardrobe is not exactly a great hiding place, you may have just wanted to clean it out, move tho pose curtains, dropped something you were trying to find.

How can anyone seriously try and hide something in a shared wardrobe?

Or maybe he wasn't even that bothered?

May be he just found them an old suitcase or something like that and stuffed them behind the curtains to deal with later and then forgot about them or did not have a chance to discreetly get rid of them? As not to worry you about it?

Lots of possibilities here, I would just ask him about it to clear the air.

There may be a perfectly harmless explanation behind all this.

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