Just found underwear from bfs ex girlfriend in my flat. Help what do I do?

[Tulip1011]

Title pretty much says it all! I'm confident the ex was years ago and now remarried. But my bf has hung on to her underwear?? Deliberately unpacked and kept at the bottom of his side of the wardrobe. My immediate reaction is to throw it. Am I right??

Get him a box,and tell him it's for storing all his ex's momentos in the attic (or somewhere you don't need to keep seeing them).

You have to respect his right to keep momentos of his past,he has to respect your right not to have them in your wardrobe.

You didn't accidentally find them, you sought them out not knowing exactly what you would find but enjoying a good snoop nonetheless.
In your shoes, I would return the items to where I found them and then ask myself some tough questions about why I seem to be sabotaging my relationship.

Only one of my exes had a bra or silky nightie and I never lived with him.

A year ago we had a bad patch and I found out he had gone on a date with someone else. I found it out by finding a bit of paper in his drawer with numbers and girls names on. We dealt with it at the time and got back together. I snoop occasionally because I'm a bit insecure still and want to check everything is ok. I don't like him having things hidden from me as this obviously was

Even though it is clearly not a threat I just see it as disrespectful to me that he has kept them. Might be irrational I don't know :-/

Say that there was a great big fuck off spider in the room and it ran to the wardrobe so you went after it to kill it so it wouldn't crawl on your face at night. You had a right old job trying to find it (make huge mess) you see and wait a minute... This isn't your underwear...

Did you start a thread before about nosing through his things and being angry that you found some old letters from an ex? It sounds familiar.

No, you should not throw someone else's property away...that is weird and controlling.

I have no idea why he kept the nightie but to be honest, I think your problem is way bigger than his.

No healthy at all to keep violating his privacy and getting angry at what you find.

In your shoes, I would return the items to where I found them and then ask myself some tough questions about why I seem to be sabotaging my relationship

Doesn't sound like the OP is the one sabotaging the relationship here. The OP being nosy pales in comparison to keeping another womans underwear which aside from being dodgy as fuck relationshipwise it is also incredibly creepy!!

Yeah ok it is weird to go through property but it's my wardrobe too? Surely I have a right to know what stuff is in it

If my OH went through my things I wouldn't give a shit - because I have nothing to hide!
The same would apply to him.

It's a bit like speed cameras - no point botching about them if your doing the right thing anyway.

*bitching.

If you've just moved in together does that mean that when you found evidence of his previous cheating in his drawer last year you weren't living together then?

Yeah ok it is weird to go through property but it's my wardrobe too? Surely I have a right to know what stuff is in it

Why? That was his side of the wardrobe and you knew you were snooping through his personal things.

Feeling you have a 'right' to know what's in the wardrobe is one thing, but how dare you even consider throwing away what you find?

I'm sorry but that is not normal behaviour.

Because why should he care if I throw it away? If he cares then surely that is an issue.

Put the pants back where you found them and stop being a nosy cow. Your ex is perfectly entitled to have had a life before you, with memories and whatever he wishes to keep from them.

He is with you now. If you are that insecure maybe a relationship isn't a good idea at the moment.

I don't have stuff hidden from him which is why I don't get it. I don't have "my personal stuff" he can't see

You mentioned respect. It's disrespectful to throw someone's property away.

And if you do he will know you were snooping.

Why do you keep trying to dodge the main issue here?

The main issue is you and your control freakery isn't it?

Because you didn't answer my question re whether you started a thread before, saying you'd snooped through his things and found letters from an ex...I just used AS and I was right.

You'd only just moved in with him and you expected him to dump letters he'd saved from 20 years ago ffs.

Mrs Cakes they share a wardrobe. Its hardly snooping to be moving each others stuff around.

Ok fine I'll leave them. But I will mention moving the curtains

But he does. Not everyone is the same as you.

He will catch you out with the snooping one day and that will be it.

starfish the OP herself has said she was looking because she was nosy and bored, not helpfully moving his stuff around.

I have quite an archive of mementos from previous relationships (no underwear). I would be furious if DH threw anything away. It's my history- my life.