Just found underwear from bfs ex girlfriend in my flat. Help what do I do?

[Tulip1011]

Title pretty much says it all! I'm confident the ex was years ago and now remarried. But my bf has hung on to her underwear?? Deliberately unpacked and kept at the bottom of his side of the wardrobe. My immediate reaction is to throw it. Am I right??

Well, at least you didn't find an engagement ring in a drawer op. I nearly fell off my perch with that one. It was bought in 2001, well before I met dh. He's never mentioned an engagement, so not sure why he's still got it

Btw, I wasn't snooping, I was looking for travel adapters, and found it in a drawer.

Just put them back. He should be none the wiser. I've not said anything to dh about the ring I found.

Yes I mentioned the letters earlier on this thread. Whatever to the control freak thing. I am trying to make this flat my home and I don't like that it is full of trinkets from other relationships. Is that weird?

starfish she openly said she was snooping because she wanted to snoop.

I'm still interested in how you found incriminating evidence in his drawer last year at a time when you seemingly didn't live together.

Ok fine I'll leave them. But I will mention moving the curtains

But that's not the whole truth is it?

You didn't find it because you were moving the curtains, you moved the curtains to snoop into his things (again).

You really are sabotaging your own relationship with this guy. How long do you think it's going to be before he regrets asking you to move in with him?

Yes it is weird to not expect or accept that a current partner has a past and may have mementos from that. It's normal to have a past and it is normal to have mementos. Some people do and some people don't.

Why is it snooping to know what is in your own flat?? Surely it's just stuff. I didn't bring my exes underwear to our flat

Ah, give the OP a break. There is a difference between keeping letters and keeping underwear.

Why can't I look in the fricking curtain drawer without finding women's underwear that "I'm not meant to find", for example

Look, you moved into his home and straight away expected all evidence of any previous relationships to be removed, just because you've arrived and it's now your home too.

That is weird imo.

Yes, the nightie is a strange memento but your whole attitude is very wrong and controlling.

How dare you move into someone's home and consider throwing away their belongings.

I think Tulip that when you're in a relationship with someone you're not entitled to all of them - not their thoughts, their nostalgia, their memories, their other loves. Why should you be? Or else you are just going to consume them (and the relationship will die). This is what people talk about when they talk about being secure. You need to be able to be ok with the thought of these things and not need to know it all. When cohabiting, that also means what's in your home, yes.

Objection

"Doesn't sound like the OP is the one sabotaging the relationship here. The OP being nosy pales in comparison to keeping another womans underwear which aside from being dodgy as fuck relationshipwise it is also incredibly creepy!!"

Several of my exes have momentos from previous relationships, from rugby shirts to boxer shorts. my current partner also has several pieces of clothing from exes.

I am always amazed at how far so many posters on here go to cause trouble.

I am surprised that the op hasn't been told to go with her gut feeling about this.

and I would consider going through a partners stuff much more dodgy than keeping momentos

I'm astonished OP is getting so much stick here. People snoop all the time, yeah it's not on but it's not the end of the world.

Keeping someone's underwear and hiding it, however...

Would posters who are giving the OP a hard time be happy if your partner had his ex's underwear in your shared wardrobe in your shared home?

Boney - really?? I understand keeping photos, or letters even but clothing? That's smacks of a lingering emotion for the person. It isn't a "momento" like a theatre ticket or some young, it's a very personal item.

Unless the person has died, then it's really weird IMO.

I agree keeping underwear is a bit strange (though an ex of mine owned more bras than me. It might not necessarily be a memento as such. Could it be an "aid" of some sort. Maybe they got left at the flat after a party. Lots of explanations possible. Just ask him?

You openly admit to snooping because you are insecure and feel the need to check.
Then you claim that it isn't really snooping because he shouldn't have anything to hid and it is a shared wardrobe.
If it wasn't snooping, then you would have no difficulty in saying to him, I found these earlier.
Snooping is unhealthy in a relationship. I don't have anything to hide from DH but I have no reason to go rummaging through his drawers. I could check his phone and his computer, but I don't, because I don't have any reason to.
The reason you are snooping is the problem, not what you find when you do.

Keeping the nightie is a bit odd, as I said earlier.

But constantly nosing through someone else's things is a violation of privacy.

The last time the OP did this, she sat and read personal love letters that were 20 years old.

Yet it seems she's learnt nothing at all since that thread.

I'm not sure he has a stash of them

But yes, it's an odd thing to keep.

I'm still inclined to think that the OP's behaviour trumps that in the 'creepy' stakes.